Reading Reviews for Barely Breathing
  
7 Reviews Found

Review #1, by readoholic Flashes

6th June 2010:
Hi, it's readoholic from the forums!
I must say, I really enjoyed this chapter, and really don't have any negatives at all. I loved the beginning, with the introductions to the characters and friendship groups. I also loved the suspense that built up, especially through your use of short sentences. The opening lines are brilliant; very hard hitting and draw you in straight away. How did she die?! Why?!
I then really like the way you go back in time, beginning in a different character's point of view (indeed, the person that is later killed!) and on their first day at Hogwarts. Then another character's point of view four years later... Love it!
The final lines are very ominous and very well written. The only thing I would say is that perhaps the ending is a little too abrupt.. I really like the final line but maybe a few more feelings towards Morgana's new relationship. However, this is only minor and not important at all.
Thank you for such a treat! I'm definately going to follow this story :)

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Review #2, by blueirony Flashes

16th May 2010:
You said in your request (which was ages ago, I might add, I'm so sorry for this review being so late!) that you wrote this at one in the morning and you weren't sure of how good it was. If this is what you call bad writing, I don't want to see what you consider your good writing - simply because I would be way too jealous. This is good. Really good.

One of the hardest things in a story with many OC is just that, the many OCs. Having a bunch of original characters can confuse the living daylights off a reader. It's all very well to talk about the Weasley children because we already know who their parents and siblings and cousins are. But all these new people - Markus, Grayson, Wesley, Raina, Morgan. They're all there. And it can be confusing as to who is who.
You, my dear, have broken that confusion barrier. I know exactly which character is which. And that is a huge strength of this story. For the first time while reading a story that had a bunch of OCs in it, I wasn't going back a few paragraphs and reminding myself who each person was. Kudos to you.

This is definitely an interesting story. The beginning is so intriguing. It just draws you in. And I'm dying to know the why and the how. Why did Morgan die? How? Who did it? It's all so mysterious. And you set it up beautifully.

Another thing you did well in the first part was how the friendships were already established. You didn't have to mention that Albus was her friend, it was obvious that he was by the way he hugged her. That, right there, is a sign of good writing. You let the reader work out that the reason they're hugging is because they're friends and he is offering her comfort. It's obvious. It drives me nuts when writers tell us every little detail, even something as trivial as that. So, again, kudos to you.

It's interesting how you have progressed through the years. A word of advice? Put a few more line breaks in between your 'sections'. It just highlights it more that you are switching periods of time, even though you have already got the dates in italics.

I don't know what else to say! It's just such a good start to a story and you have done all the things I love about writers and avoided all the things that I hate about writers. So I'm definitely sold.

Keep writing!

Joop :]

Author's Response: Oh, gosh. Thank you so much! This was an amazing review. Seriously. I wasn't sure if I was going to continue this story, but now I definitely am. :) Ah, I don't know what else to say. Thank you thank you thank you!

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Review #3, by dracos_hotter Flashes

30th April 2010:
This is so intriguing. The murder... It's already spinning in my mind. I reckon it's the EVIL BROTHER and possibly something to do with Markus. But I'm only guessing.

I enjoy a good mystery... I think I'll have to follow this =)

xE

Author's Response: Haha, I love mysteries, especially writing them. This story has a lot of planned twists and turns, lol. And don't you go jumping to conclusions now. You'll see that most everyone had a reason to kill Morgana. ;) Thanks!

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Review #4, by long_live_luna_bellatrix Flashes

20th April 2010:
Hi there! This is a good start to a story. I don't often read novellas, because of my lack of time, but I can tell this is going to be interesting. I just finished reading a murder mystery this week, so I'm in the mood to start guessing, analyzing how people acted at the scene of the crime.

You introduced a ton of OCs very quickly, but for the first time in a long time I can say you've done it well. I was able to tell the most important characters apart easily, and a few of the others as well. Since you got in a fact or two about each character, such as who was friends with whom and who had a crush on whom, I had no trouble at all.

I think the thing you need to work on is show and not tell. Like here, "Gwen nodded to her friend, but was a bit upset that she had interrupted her conversation with Albus." It was clear that Albus was going to ask Gwen to the ball, and clear Gwen would've said yes, so when they were interrupted you didn't have to add that bit. You could've said "Gwen nodded to her friend absentmindedly" and skipped that whole sentence, and we would've seen that Gwen was still thinking about Albus. There were a few other instances as well when you just came out and said things that were already clear.

Overall, good job! It was a well written and interesting start.

Author's Response: Yay, a fellow mystery lover. It's my favorite genre. :) Yeah, lots of OCs really quickly, but it was kind of necessary. I'm glad you didn't think I jumbled it! Thanks for the advice and the review.

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Review #5, by shadowycorner Flashes

20th April 2010:
Yes, the OCs were a little overwhelming, but I didn't mind that at all. It wasn't chaotically written (it was just a little bit harder to remember all the names) and I guess it's necessary introduction if they'll be taking an importan role in the story. I liked their quick characterizations, they seem pretty interesting, the lot of them.

Your writing is very good. It goes smoothly and is easily read. At first when I saw the genre and so many OCs and the wordcount, I thought it would take me ages to read, but it didn't at all. :) It was fun to read, actually. So in this case you've done a very good job.

The opening line saying that since the year of 1943 there was no murder on Hogwarts instantly drew me in. Although later it occurred to me that it's not entirely right since during Harry's sixth and seventh year there were many deaths during the battles. If you meant just death as in the circle of students without any huge negative impact from the outside, maybe it would be better to specify. :) I also liked how you executed the chapter, putting an important event in the beginning as to give the reader an idea what will happen and that this is not just a happy-go-lucky story. However, this same thing is also a little problematic. You see, the mood and tone of these different sections of the chapter were vastly different and that can really confuse a reader. i felt like the transition from dakr and tragic to the past, carefree and innocent didn't feel all that natural.

And one last remark was that in the first section you were repeating yourself a lot. I know that was on purpose and to gradually build up tension, but it was less effective when this technique was used in two paragraphs in a row. And another thing, there was a large overuse of the word 'She' at the beginning of the sentence. It's nothing better, but it would read better if you shuffled the words around sometimes, making it look cleaner and a little bit different.

Other than that, a very interesting first chapter and I truly wonder what can possibly be going on to have these bad things happening. Great job.

xoxo Liz

Author's Response: Wow, thank you for the long review! I will take all your advice very carefully. :) Thanks for the help.

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Review #6, by FoundriaPenguin Flashes

17th April 2010:
Hello! This is Foundriapenguin from the forums(:

Interesting plot line you have going here. I'll tell you honestly I'm not sure what to critique on since you have so many OC's. There's so many it's hard to focus on characterization for all of them. They seem pretty generic so far, except for Morgana.

Though you're trying to introduce all of the characters, I think you should take it a bit more slowly. My head's dizzy from all these introduced characters and I can barely keep track of them. Maybe you should introduce only a few at a time so the reader can wrap their head around it properly (:

Hope I'm not being too harsh! It's really a very good story with excellent grammar! I can't tell you how much relief I feel when I read a grammatically correct story.

~foundriapenguin

Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for reviewing! :)

Yeah, it's a bit to keep up with. It's kind of necessary to introduce them all now, so this chapter kind of suffers for it. And, yeah, it is a bit much. I kind of go back and reintroduce each one slowly through the next chapters. This one is kind of just a brief glimpse into their lives, haha.

Thanks! I've had some really great English teachers who really drilled grammar into our heads. And I know how you feel, it's just so difficult to read when it's not correct!

Thank you again!


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Review #7, by crestwood Flashes

9th April 2010:
I felt like there was alot to keep up with and that it started out slow, but it soon picked up speed. I like it. I just favorited it. Good job keep it up.

Author's Response: Thank you! :)

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