Aw James! Hahaha I love your portrayal of the marauders, they're hilarious :D 10/10! Report Review
I really like this story! I hope you contuine on with it, because I really enjoy reading it. Report Review
Promising ... VERY PROMISING ;) keep up them same good work and I'll be looking forward to reading your next chapter :DAuthor's Response: Thank you!! :D Report Review
So, um, let's just ignore how long it's been since your review request, yeah? *clears throat nervously*
This is the type of writing I like. This, right here. You don't have long, "Hi my name is and I have blue and hair and my best friend's names are and we go to Hogwarts and are in the same year as the Marauders ." Nope. You have just delved in to the story. You have acknowledged the fact that the reader is not an idiot. And that's how it should be. Just jump into a story. Le the reader fill in the obvious blanks.
I love it.
You have characterisations spot on. We don't need Sirius to be a player, Remus to constantly be buried in a book, Peter to always be eating and James to always be playing with a snitch. They are just four guys who are best friends, each with a personality that should be able to be picked up through their speech and actions - that's what you have. And I'm so excited. It's the first Marauder story that I have read in a long while which lets the reader work things out for themselves. Kudos to you!
Your plot development is fine, by the way. I'm not too sure where the plot is going (excluding the obvious James/Lily pairing), but I'm loving that inclusion of another girl for James. Allison seems perfect. Lily can't really hate her because she seems so sweet, but there is bound to be tension. Perfect. And oh so very clever. And unique! For once James isn't pining 24/7 over Lily.
I love what you have done with an otherwise over-cliched universe. Love it. Keep it up!
Joop :]Author's Response: *blushes* I am sooo sorry for taking so long to respond to your review! I've been away from HPFF and life has been all sorts of hectic. I'm so sorry!! Dearest blueirony (who has a brilliant name), can you ever forgive me?
Back to your review...
You don't have long, "Hi my name is and I have blue and hair and my best friend's names are and we go to Hogwarts and are in the same year as the Marauders ."
I can't stand those type of beginnings! They're completely unnecessary. I've seen it work maybe one time out of a hundred. Those aren't very good odds. Plus, I like it when authors reveal that characters personalities throughout the course of the story and not waste an entire chapter listing out if their characters are happy, smart, blonde, etc.
I think a lot of people, especially when they are first introduced to Marauder fan-fiction (myself included) forget that these characters are supposed to be whole. Yes, Remus was clever, but he was also a Marauder, and as such, there's no way he wouldn't have spent his entire Hogwarts career with his nose buried in a book. Furthermore, the idea that Sirius was a ladies-man seems very out of character. Taking into account his childhood and the way he was portrayed in Rowling's books, it seems unlikely that he was a player. He always seemed to be the quiet, brooding type to me. Charming? Yes. Player? Nope.
I'm so glad you enjoyed this. I know it's been a while since I updated but I plan on posting the next chapter very soon.
Plot-wise, I think it's a bit obvious where this story is going to go. I originally wrote this story a year ago, though, and I'm taking this opportunity to fix some things and change a couple situations that were a bit...I don't want to say ridiculous but it's the only word that comes to mind.
Allison!! Is it horribly vain of me to say that I love my own OC. *sigh* Allison is very different from any other character I've written because I didn't sit and plan out her character. I didn't even know I was going to include her! She kind of just took on a life of her own. And believe me, she's definitely going to play a large role in this story. :D
You have no idea how much your review has encouraged me! I cannot express how happy you're review has made me! Thank you so much for your wonderful words and for encouraging me. I honestly wasn't sure if I was going to keep writing - crazy life and all that - but your words have inspired me to continue. Thank you sooo much!!!
P.S. I'm so sorry for taking so long to respond. Report Review
Awwwh. Good idea as a story!
Looking forward to the next chapter! :DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much!! The next chapter should be out soon-ish. Thank you! :) Report Review
Hey there -- I'm very sorry that it took me so long to get to your review.
Now, I thought that this was very entertaining! I usually don't go for James/Lily, Marauder fluff-type-stuff, but I definitely got a couple of laughs reading this, and I like your writing style.
Oh, James. James, James, James. Poor fellow. I actually felt for him, which is new for me. And I thought that Lily was written well, too. I could totally picture her stomping through Hogwarts with a bald head. The rest of the Marauders sound good to me, too, and I like both Kat and Allison, they both seem non-Mary-Sue-ish, for now, so good job there.
I like the plot, too. I can pretty much guess what's going to happen, but I'm interested to see how it'll be written, and what escapades the Maruders *coughJAMEScough* will be getting themselves into throughout the story. And how the heck will they make pigs fly?? I shouldn't expect any less of the Wizarding World, though. ;)
Overall, I liked it! It'll definitely make a cute Marauder story, feel free to rerequest once you've got another chapter up!Author's Response: It's no problem! As you can see, it takes me a while to respond to reviews, so...yeah.
Hahaha, thank you! I'm glad you thought it was entertaining. :)
I'm such a horrible person. I put James and Lily through so much. For some strange reason, Lily walking around with a bald head seemed...plausible. The things my brain comes up with! I'm glad you don't think Kat and Allison come off as Mary-Sues. If there's something that terrifies me with fics, it's that. And lack of plot.
It's a pretty predictable plot but there will definitely be more Marauder escapades.
Thank you so much for taking the time to review!! I'll definitely re-request when the next chapter is (hopefully soon). Thank you!!! Report Review
Hey! This is mizzxpearl from the forums with your review.
Okay, so in the beginning, I wasn't so sure about how I felt with your story. But as I kept going, I read some things that I wasn't expecting and they literally made me laugh out loud!
Be careful though. The hardest thing to do when writing a Marauders ear is staying away from cliches and making the characters too generic. I winched a bit when I read this:
Lily was fully prepared to hex Potter into oblivion
I'm not even sure how many times I've read that line in a story. I know you're keeping your character's personalities to cannon, but be careful not to make them too repetitive to other stories, you know?
But yes, like I said before, as I reached the end of the story, I liked it more and more. I was even a bit disappointed when it finished! I do think you made Allison's character pretty strong, so that's a good thing. I really want to see where you're going to go with this now, because Allison seem slike such a sweet girl and it'll be horrible if all James does is play around with her to get Lily jelous.
When writing stories, you want to make sure that pretty much every thing you say counts. I just started doing this right now and it really is a killer delating out entire scenes that I've already written, but sometimes it must be done. Lily and Kat plan to get back at James, yet nothing ever happens after. I realise you wanted to introduce Lily's friend, but do it in a way that makes her count. The scene was just a bit of a waste, you know?
Also when the boys were planning and you put in a scene breaker only to go back to the boys planning, it left me a bit confused. I think a connected sentence would be better there.
Other than those suggestions, I have nothing else to say! I do like this story and I felt bad for James when Lily just left him. This reallly does seem to become a cute Maraduer's story, so please feel free to rerequest when your next chapter is out!
Good job! Keep writing, you're doing great. :DAuthor's Response: I am so unbelievably sorry for taking so long to respond. I could sit and give you a slew of excuses but I think it might be best if I simply respond to your wonderful review.
Those cliches really do give me a lot of trouble. I try to stay away from the really obvious ones - Sirius being a ladies' man, Peter being ignored, etc - but sometimes it's hard not to fall into the more minor ones. I'll definitely try to stay away from them in future chapters.
I adore Allison! She's so sweet and nice. I think, though, that you're not giving James enough credit. I don't think he's trying to make Lily jealous. It's more likely that the combination of Sirius' words, Lily friendship with Remus and her walking away from him (not screaming and stopping away, but simply leaving him in silence) caused something in him to snap. He really does want to get over Lily and to do so, he chose the first female available, which just so happens to have been Allison.
I totally see what you mean about making everything count. Actually, Kat isn't really important in this story. I expanded the scene a bit to make her role larger. The point of that scene was for Lily to say the "when pigs fly" bit, since it's the entire basis of the story. But I definitely see what you mean. Maybe I'll add something in the next chapter to tie it to that scene. Poor James.
Ooh, I hadn't noticed that before, but you're completely right. I'll have to watch out for that as well.
Thank you so much for reviewing!! Your review has helped me immensely and you've pointed out things I'd never noticed before. I'll definitely re-request once the next chapter is up. Once again, I apologize for taking so long to responds. Thank you!! ;) Report Review
I like this. (: It's cute, and lighthearted. Poor Lily, though. :P She's going to regret giving up James. I know I would. xD
I like Allison. (: She's sweet, and kind of the opposite of your Lily. XD
This is a really good story. (: The writing flows really well, and it's really nice to read.
Great job; I'm adding it to my favorites.
-JasmineAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing!! Hehehe, I'd regret it, too. :)
Aww, thank you. I like Ally, too. Of all the OC's I written, she's definitely my favorite.
Thank you so much for reviewing!! I sincerly appreciate it and I'm glad you enjoy the chapter. :) Report Review
hey its twitch from the forums with the reveiw you requested. sorry it took so long haha >.<
-Wow really good intro thing, it was an amazing hook-great job!
- "Lily who has just been realized from the" should be released ;)
-"Which is precisely which Lily was terrified." should be 'why'
-"bloody hell, I forgot my lines" haha thats so hilarious!!
-Maybe tone down on Allison's stutters, having a few will get the point across but I think what you have is a little overkill, its kind of distracting in a bad way.
Overall really good chapter :) your grammar was very good, the only things that were wrong was some typos. Also your writing style is very well developed and it reads great. Good job! I really enjoyed this read!Author's Response: It's no problem! :) By the by, I like you're name. It always reminds me of this one guy from 'So You Think You Can Dance.' :)
Thank you so much for reviewing!! I've gone back and edited the mistakes you pointed out and reduced the amount of Allison's stuttering.
Once again, thank you so much for reviewing!! :) Report Review
Hey there, it's DarkRose from the forums! :D
I swear I've read this before... maybe before the site crashed and we lost a bunch of reviews. So here we go:
A couple of errors: you have-- "A Lily who has just been realized from the Hospital Wing because you accidentally hexed her" where "realized" should be "released." And also-- "Madame Bittertorn swiveled on her heals and marched back to her office" where "heals" should be "heels."
Okay, so: characterization. I liked most of it. I liked the Marauders, but I don't really think that Lily would freak out as often as she seems to do in this story. XD And your plot has a lot of promise. I like it. :] Allison bugs me, but if I remember correctly from the last time I read this, she gets a tiny bit better. Haha. And I liked your descriptions. The Marauders are great! :D
So, overall, good job!
--DracoFerret11/DarkRoseAuthor's Response: I had this story up on my old account, but I wasn't aware that you had read it. :)
Thank you for pointing out those mistakes. I've gone back and edited them.
Hehehe, I'll definitely try to tone down Lily's outbursts. Allison does toughen up, especially in the sequel. I really wanted to create a character that would grow a lot and she has the most potential.
Thank you so much!! The Marauders are just too much fun to write.
Thank you for reviewing! :) I really, really (wish I could come up with another word) appreciate it!! Report Review
I absolutely love the beginning section. The opening few lines are brilliant. I instantly wanted to read more. I love your writing style, it really drew me in and I thoroughly enjoyed reading this chapter.
Character development was perfect. I loved seeing this side of James; we see that through all his pranks and facade it’s Lily he really wants, and not just to prove something either. Lily’s character was spot on too, and I loved your interpretations of Sirius, Lupin and Peter. It’s always baffled me how Peter had become such friends with the likes of the other three, but here I could see why. Although we only had a few moments that concerned him, every characteristic that JKR has given him was really explored.
There were some really witty moments, which made me laugh, and you finished each section off perfectly. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.
The only thing I would say to bear in mind for further chapters, is that I can see where this is going. Obviously, there’s nothing wrong with that, but it would be great to see something different happening in the next few chapters. I don’t know what you’ve got planned, but it would be great to have a twist in the story perhaps.
Just a few grammatical errors:
- ‘"What if we charms all her socks to apologize to her for you?"’ Maybe... ‘“What if we charm all her socks.”’
- ‘"The next time you interrupt me class...”’ Just a little spelling error: ‘“The next time you interrupt MY class...”’
I really enjoyed this fic and I look forward to reading more of it. You’re a great writer, that’s obvious. Just keep writing :)Author's Response: Wow! Thank you so much for your wonderful review!!
It always amazed me how James is always portrayed as not caring that Lily constantly rejected him. Though the blow might lessen a bit with time, it's still impossible that James wasn't hurt by her constant rejections. I really wanted to convey that with this story. Peter - I really like writing about Peter during this time, before he betrayed Lily and James. His character is just as complicated and important as everyone else's and yet he's always ignored. :( There'll be much more of him later on.
I'm so glad you enjoyed it! :)
Hmmm...I see what you mean about being predictable. I think there may be a small twist along the way, but it's pretty minor. I do want to add something to it, but it's difficult with James/Lily stories, especially ones like this where the reader knows James and Lily are going to end up together. I'll definitely try to work some type of twist into the story.
Oops. *facepalm* I go over the chapters over and over and I still always miss something. Thanks for pointing those out.
Thank you so much for your wonderful review!! Your kind words completely made my day. *blushes* Thank you! :) Report Review
Hey review here :)
Loving the Humor i'm so Jealous at you being able to do humor.
I'm not saying it's a bad thing but i'm curious why have you not used Madame Pomfrey?
I like how the marauders are compleatly naive to what Lilys reaction will be and they think that there plan will work haha.
Allison is cute. Even though i am a major Lily/James shipper they are cute together.
Some grammer but whos perfect at that haha. So it is no biggie.
xAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to review!! Madame Pomfrey's awesome; I love her, but I really wanted to have an evil, sadistic nurse treating the marauders and Pomfrey's just didn't fit the bill. And thus, after taking forver to come up with a name for her, Madame Bittertorn was born. Once again, thank you so much for taking the time to review! :) Report Review
Oooh I like it - I especially think you've done the characters well - James and the marauders are just how I'd imagine them.
Cant wait for the next chapter!Author's Response: Thank you so much!! I'm glad you think I wrote the Marauders well. The next chapter should be up pretty soon - sometime this week, maybe. Once again, thank you so much for taking the time to review!! Report Review
ahhh. i like it update soon!Author's Response: Thank you so much!! The next chapter should be up pretty soon. It's mostly written; I just have to go back and edit it. Thank you for reviewing! :) Report Review
i remember reading this story! and it was interesting. by the way, u wrote "Hogsmead" when it should be "Hogsmeade". i hope i could help u and i can't wait to read more!^_^
Harry and GinnyAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing!! Oh, and thanks for pointing that out. I'll go back and fix it asap. Report Review
Hey! I just HAD to check out this story after hearing about it on the forums. And plus, James and Lily are my favourite two characters ever. :) I'm very flattered that you liked my summary, too.
Anyway, this was really funny! I definitely commend you for that, because I'm pretty bad at writing humour, myself. And there's so much humour to be had with these characters, too! I did notice that you had made up an OC for the school nurse, even though Madam Pomfrey was already there when the Marauders were in school...but you know what? I don't even care, because the character you put in her place is very funny! She seems kind of like a Filch or a Madam Pince, sending Lily out into the rest of the school with a bald head. It's kind of refreshing to read about, because it's always Madam Pomfrey, in pretty much every single story.
I also like the introduction of this Allison character...she's different from the girls that people usually pair up with James, and I already feel very sympathetic towards her. It's strange, because I'm definitely a die-hard L/J fan, but I kind of don't mind the idea of Allison and James together. She seems very sweet and unassuming, so if that was the reaction you were hoping to get with her character, you definitely succeeded! :) I did want to quickly point out, just so you can change it in future chapters, that it's spelled "Hogsmeade" with an "e" on the end. ;) No biggie, though.
I'll keep my eyes out for future chapters, because I'd definitely like to read more of this! Keep it up!Author's Response: Wow! I'm so flattered you took the time to come read my story. Hehehe, James and Lily are two of my favorite characters, too! I LOVED your summary. Thank you so much for allowing me to use it!
Thank you! The humor comes easy for me, but only for some characters - mostly marauders and next gen. I don't think I could ever write anything remotely funny about Harry or Hermione. I always liked the idea of the marauders being treated by a mean and sadistic nurse; Pomfrey's way too nice to fit the bill. Thus, Madame Bittertorn was born! Ooh, she would definitely get along with Filch and Madame Pince. *shudders* Imagine having gone to school with all three of them there? Poor Lily. I'm awful, aren't I? Making her suffer like that. I'm glad you liked Madame Bittertorn.
Allison! Oh, dear, sweet Allison! I love her so much. Out of all the OC characters I've come up with, she's hands down my favorite. I had this story up on my old account and I enjoyed writing about Allison so much that this story ended up being just as much about her than Lily and James. I'm re-writing all the chapters to include more of James and Lily since the story is about them and not Allison. But...I'm working on a sequel that takes place directly after this story ends; it focuses mainly on Allison. I'm glad she comes off as sweet and unassuming - that's definitely that reaction I was hoping for. Ooh, thank you for pointing that out. I'll go back and change it as soon as possible.
Penny, thank you so much for reviewing!! You've completely made my day! Thank you! :) Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection