Whoa! REVENGE! Cool.
So I'm a bit worried that she's going to go back to Aaron. PLEASE DON'T.
I really like your writing style in the last few chapters the best, the WriMo's helped you A LOT.
You might want to go look at your first few chapters, but the last few are really good.
Ok, so I have no cc. Sorry.
PS thanks for letting me review! Report Review
Good chapter. Although I find it unbelievable that Scorpius would just leave the whole Aaron thing alone, he seems like he would get really mad.
At least give Rose a, "Let me handle it, honey," type thing.
Anyway. Bit violent, are we? Poor Rose, slicing her hand open. Ouchies.
She gets injured a lot. Funny stuff!
Olwyn Report Review
That was so cute, and I feel totally psychic.
Anyway. HATE Aaron. That's so annoying, he's a nitwit. I can't believe he would stoop that low. Although I'm glad Rose didn't eat it. Although it would have been funny if Al had eaten it.
Anyway. Good job on the action in this chapter, it was slower. I guess the WriMo's helped you!
Not much cc for this chapter! Good job on everything!
btw, nice cliffie. Report Review
Hi there! This is schonemeadchen here with your review. I apologize that it has taken so long, but better late than never, right?
So, I've read through your first chapter. I usually only read one chapter at a time for all my reviewers due to my limited time.
Overall impression was that it's a great start and a good foundation.
For me, there were some problems with the flow. It felt choppy and a bit rushed. I kind of felt like I was being jerked from scene to scene and getting only a slightly superficial look at these characters. I think you could really develop some of these scenes that you've written and go into more depth and detail. Don't just touch the surface of what's happening, dig in.
If I could give you a concrete sample: In your first few paragraphs, you go very quickly from Rose and Scorpius horsing around, to a scene with Rose's boyfriend to a scene with Scorpius comforting Rose again. What would be really great here would be to develop some dialogue between Rose and and her boyfriend here; You know, something that Scorpius happens upon and eavesdrops for a while. It flows then in a much more natural way when Scorpius steps in. I think you have a lot of room to work with here. It's just one example of how you might do it, I hope it helps in some way.
Another spot where the flow needs more development is when Rose wants to tell her mom about the kiss before her dad finds out. Hermione only has to look at her daughter before asking what's wrong. However, you didn't share with us any details of her looking really anxious, jumpy. I know I have a "face" that when my husband looks at me, he says: Ok, let it out. What's bothering you. I'm sure you know such faces from your personal experiences too, so describe it! :)
That point aside, I think the formatting would help you story as well. All the sentences are crunched together somewhat and the only thing introducing some sort of new dialogue is a return. I would suggest double spacing between paragraphs to focus on new ideas and important dialogue points. I might also suggest using the page break/formatting line to separate time jumps in your writing. Currently, you just separate this with a description in italics. It threw me off a bit, though, because many other techniques in writing can also be in italics, such as thoughts or spells, etc.
The last point I wanted to mention was characterization. I think overall you have a good start. I think you can definitely go deeper, though! Rose and Scorpius sound very "stereotypically teenagery" to me. Maybe it's what you're going for, but I think if you develop some of your dialogue it would help. For example..the part where Scorpius says "Crap! Sorry, Rose". I just can't see Scorpius saying "Crap". I think he would be a lot cooler about it. Just my impression.
Another point of characterization that I thought was very OOC was when Harry catches them kissing. I don't think Harry would have reacted like that, nor tattled to Ron. I think Ron would have definitely overreacted, no question. Harry is much more laid back and cool in his temperament though. If they were doing something much more than kissing...perhaps the reaction would have been appropriate.
So, I ended up writing a lot of constructive criticism for you. I think you have an interesting start, though. If you work on some of these points, this has the potential to be a really amazing first chapter. Hope I could help some and give you the kind of review you're looking for.
Take care and happy writing!
-schoenemaedchen Report Review
Yikes! Lots of action.
So Aaron: he's my main thing about this story. I can't tell whether he hates Rose or loves her. She's talking about him staring at her and he tells her to be careful, and then he's all insult-y and then yeah...
Action. Slow it down. Seriously. There's so much going on, your characters would have gone crazy. Let them have fun once in a while.
I LOVE the Draco & Ron argument. That was absolutely hilarious. And I love Hermione's line an the end(:
-Olwyn Report Review
Oooo potions thief, I'm betting Aaron.
So I like the way the characters are developed here, although I have a few notes (of course).
So the conversation after they smell Amortentia is a bit confusing, you might want to look at it.
I also think it's a bit weird that Lucy was amended into the story this late. And also that she doesn't know about R + S. If the whole school's talking about it...
Again, slow down your action.
I love the way Rose loves the library, it's so cute(:
Olwyn Report Review
So... that was extra cuteness.
I squealed. They made out on the train. Made me happy.
So you're still clumping all of the action together. It's better than writing endless filler, but there has to be a balance. Try writing a filler chapter, and see what happens. Most likely you'll throw in some plot points.
Rose and Scorpius got extra serious extra fast. It was slightly... "WHOA they're best friends now their kissing now they miss each other now they're together and now they're in love." Personally I would rather see them slow it down. After all, they had been best friends, it might be a bit weird at first for both of them.
I love Albus. Such a cutie, waiting for his cousin.
Ok, I have to go pick up my friend from the library so we can go shopping now, but I'll be back soon enough!
-Olwyn Report Review
Hehehe, I like the song. That was clever, very clever.
Why did Rose expect to become a snake? I'd love if you expanded on that.
Classy locket! Smooth, Scorpius. (:
Again, smooth and streatch out the action. Also, your spacing's a bit funky.
Not too much to say on this one, it was good though(: I love the whole family vibe.
-Olwyn Report Review
I like the way this chapter went; you're characterizing all of the characters quite well.
I don't like Rose's actions in this. She seems very defensive over something that isn't even a relationship. Also, I don't see her as a crier.
Again, spread out the action. You have to have mini rising action and falling action. You keep going straight to the climax of the story.
Good job, can't wait to read the next, I have apple cider,
Olwyn. Report Review
Hi *hides* sorry it's taken forever, I know. I just... yeah... everything kind of piled up.
I like the premise of this story, although I have a few things.
First: "unicorn hair, yew wand" please change to yew and unicorn hair wand. Less awkward sounding.
You have some grammar/spelling problems, although there are none too large, you should think about having this beta'd. I've beta'd a few times, and it can help a lot. I would offer, but I have midterms right now.
Your action is all crushed up. I would think about slowing a lot of the action down, or breaking this into 2 chapters. It would just make it a lot smoother, and give you more time to play with the sexual tension between S + R.
I really like the way you started, it's very obvious that Scorpius lurves Rose. AHDORABLE.
I love ScoRose fics(:
Great job, can't wait to read the next chapter.
-Olwyn Report Review
I lurve this story! I reallly liked the part about Hugo and him being Bill's Faverite nephew,very clever:D It's hard to make a desision about weather or not Georgina will have green hair! I mean, I knew Rose was kinda mean, but I'm not sure if she would put someone through that much humiliation, even though she did do some awful things. I think that deep down, Rose really is a nice person.(But I have a sneaking suspicion that there may be a surprise waiting for me.) OH! And I'm suuuper curious about how Easter vacation with the Malfoy's will go! Gosh, I can't wait to read more! Update soon pretty pretty please!!!
~Hannah :D Report Review
Everything happened way too quickly in this chapter... It was all just very random. Report Review
I am not usally a Rose/scorpious fan but your story is AMAZING and i completely love it!! what makes it even better is you included all of the weasly/potter clan!! please update soon!!Author's Response: thank you so much for your review :D I'm glad you enjoyed reading and a new chapter should be up very soon :D Report Review
Oh, nice. The plot thickens! I like all the action in this chapter - the locket, Rosie being Quidditch captain and especially the end - when a big confrontation between families arises. xD
Now, a few suggestions:
1. The chappie title - it's Intuitive, I am sure it's a typo but I deemed necessary to point it out.
2. Again, fix the formatting.
3. At the end Harry calls Draco by his first name - even though they are not mortal enemies anymore, I still think he would call him Malfoy.
All in all, it's a pretty entertaining stories and after you fix up thing a little bit, I think it can be great!
KaileenaAuthor's Response: Thanks for once again pointing stuff out. You've been a big help :)
Thanks for all your reviews :) xoxo Report Review
Oh, chapter 2 is a massive improvement from ch 1! The pacing is much better and you've managed to get the hang of the HPFF formating :)))
I liked this one. It was fun. I can almost imagine Molly yelling at Ron and setting him straight for the whole Scorpius/Rose affair. :DDD
A little suggestion from me - Lily is 2 years younger than Rose and since Rose is still at school that means that Lily is underage and cannot perform magic out of Hogwarts. You may want to revise that. Otherwise - a good and fun chapter :))Author's Response: Thank you :) I certainly hope I've improved haha.
Yeah I could almost see molly yelling at him as I wrote that part.
I'm actually quite surprised I didn't pick up on underage wizardry with Lily. I'm usually pretty good at picking those kind of things up. Thanks for pointing that our :)
Thanks for reviewing :) xoxo Report Review
Hey hun, here is HarleyQuinn from the forums with your review!
First, I have to say that I am not a big fan of next gen, but I think your story with Rose and Scorpius is very sweet :) Now, let me make a couple of suggestions to you:
1. The biggest problem in my opinion is purely esthetical - fix the formating a bit. Put spaces between each new line, change the 'single' quotes for dialogue with the more standard "double" ones. I know that the HPFF editor is not the friendliest tool in the world, but play with it a bit until everything looks pretty. Of course, that may not seem like an important thing, but it's better for the readers that the story is easy on the eyes.
2. I see that some people have commented on this, but I'll still say this - don't rush things so much. Your story is really nice and adding a bit more descriptions between dialogue and slowing down the flow of events will do wonders for it!
Otherwise, it's fun and sweet, you have excellent humour at some places and it's enjoyable. I normally review 3 chapters of longer stories, so I am on to the next one. :)
KailAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for the review! I definitely need to set aside to a time to work on chapter one and will do so soon.
And I'm glad you like the humor as its not a strong point of mine so I'm glad I got It right :D
Thanks so much for reviewing :) xoxo Report Review
Hi, Aderyn here again.
Your spelling and grammar seems fine to me, though you mentioned you had a problem with it. Alright, so over I think that you should write longer chapters. Still I feel like all that happens is fighting, which can be exhausting to read. After the fighting is done, you also seem to cut corners so that there can be more conflict. Really, don't be afraid to show some less tense scenes. Surely a Weasley Christmas has some happy moments! Don't just say so either, show us how everyone is laughing and is glad to see one another.
Also, do you think Rose might be thinking a bit about Scorpious. Not just how her family reacts to it all, but what she feels about their new relationship? That might be the bit of filler you need.
AderynAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for this review. I never really picked up on some of the stuff you've mentioned this is once again incredibly helpful to me :)
Thanks so much!
Ava xoxo Report Review
Hi, Aderyn here for your requested review.
I think that the story starts out pretty fast. Maybe build a bit more on Rose and Scorpius's friend ship before you make it something more. One second they're by the lake and then they're snogging.
Slow things down, I would say. Just elaborate more. You don't want the first chapter to feel like you're playing catch up. I know it's tedious to write filler stuff when you want to write conflict, but it has to be done.
One other thing, on the train you say "department" but shouldn't it be "compartment"? Anyways, not a bad start, if a bit cliche. I'll review one more chapter. :)Author's Response: thank you so much for your review :) its always incredibly helpful to get some tips on what needs improvement :) I appreciate you taking your time to review a lot.
Ava xoxo Report Review
I really enjoyed this chapter! I was delighted to see more development, the characters, and the plot as a whole. This chapter was more detailed and the flow was improved. I liked seeing a more dynamic side of Rose and I especially liked seeing the interaction between her and the rest of her family members. Grammar wise there's not any issues that I could seem to spot. Remember to keep up the good work and always keep progressing!
-leaneyAuthor's Response: Thank you once again for reviewing! Its all really helpful to me :)
Ava xoxo Report Review
Leaney from the forums here with your review!
First of all, I'm a huge Rose/Scorp fan so I was excited to get to review your story! I really like how you made Scorpius and Rose friends in the beginning instead of enemies or automatic lovers. Their friendship and playfulness really set a good tone for the piece. Your dialogue seems pretty strong. I especially liked whenever Hermione's like, "Ron is going to burn the house down." For whatever reason that made me laugh! Grammatically, I didn't spot many errors. My only suggestion is to slow down. I feel like the plot progressed really rapidly. In the beginning scene one second Rose was off after her bag and the next she was with an OC crying her eyes out. I didn't really understand what was happening at first. The kiss scene was really passionate but I didn't really feel the build-up. One second Christmas break and the next passionate kissing. Then, whenever Hugo storms into the story. That was also kind of sudden and unexpected, but I understand the need to somehow incorporate his presence. I feel like you could definitely take more time to develop the scenes more completely. Also, your formatting is slightly weird. Overall, though, your story has a good solid plotline and I can't wait to see where the next chapter takes me!
-leaneyAuthor's Response: thank you for reviewing. This chapter was written a long time ago and I do realise it needs development. Now you've introduced some points for me to look at that I've never really thought of before so thank you for that! This review was actually quite helpful :)
Ava xooxo Report Review
hey sweetie it's Estelle here to review like i said i would
i really liked this chapter and LOVED Lily, she was awesome reminds me so much of someone.
anyway you better update, and NOT take six months... lol
anyway till next chapter
Estelle XOXAuthor's Response: Hey Es :)
Thanks for reviewing! Yeah Lily is pretty awesome and she reminds me of someone too xP
I have updated :) Chapter eight is up and I have chapter nine ready to go when the queue opens up again in january :D
Thanks once again :) reviews mean alot to me :)
Ava xoxo Report Review
Aaron is a big jerk. I'm not kidding.
I died laughing during the little confrontation b/w Draco and Ron. Sorry, but I did, I couldn't help it. But this little plan...oh please.
And Lucy is so cool!Author's Response: Haha yeah he is.
I almost died laughing when i wrote that confrontation. Yeah, the plan is a little pathetic. But its Draco... and Ron... what do you expect?
Lucy is pretty cool :)
Thanks for reviewing x Report Review
who knew ron and draco could agree on something. i wonder what's going to happen at malfoy manor. i hope more comes soon.Author's Response: Yeah, I think that was a once in a lifetime moment. Be glad you saw it for it won't happen again lol.
thanks for reviewing, more is definitely on its way :) Ava xx Report Review
Excellent write more!Author's Response: Thanks so much, I've got a whole lot more where that came from :) xx Report Review
Hmmm, well, obviously the Potions thief stole Amortentia, that much is obvious...and also, that person might want to fall in love with either Rose or Scorpius. I have a hunch that the Potions thief could possibly be Aaron...Author's Response: Thankyou for submitting your theories! I love reading them so much!
Keep watching for the next chapter! :)
Ava xx Report Review
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