Reading Reviews for Monster
  
18 Reviews Found

Review #1, by SortingHat Part Two

7th June 2010:
im pretty sure im missing something thats beneath the basic plot here as evidenced by the william golding quote but i really liked this whole thing!

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Review #2, by Alopex Part Two

23rd May 2010:
“Morning!” Her co-worker, Padma Patil smiled widely at her. --> You need a comma after "Patil" also.

Sitting at the bar, she began to bear her soul one final time to her best friend. --> It should be "bare her soul"

How interesting that you switched to the third-person in this chapter. May I ask why you decided to do so? Are you going to continue the story like this, telling Draco's side in the first person and Astoria's in third?

I really liked the interaction between Astoria and Draco at the beginning. It felt so realistic. In fact, the whole story so far is believable . . . it feels a lot more real than Harry Potter in general often seems, you know? So kudos for that.

Now that I've heard Astoria's side (and hers is the most recent in my mind), it makes me think Draco has a bit of a problem. Certainly Astoria thinks he does, and the way she describes his behavior . . . well definitely that sort of behavior is a bit irritating. He seems overly paranoid, suspicious, and withdrawn, even.

By the way, does the end of this chapter coincide with the end of the first chapter, in terms of the timeline? I rather think it does, but I'm not completely certain.

Erm, what else? Nice, realistic-sounding description of Astoria's workday. She seems ordinary. The writing style in this chapter felt somewhat different from the first chapter, but that may largely be because you're telling the story from the third person here.

Anyway, the mysterious hints have me quite curious. You're leading the readers on in this chapter, for sure. What about giving partial information?! Tsk, tsk.

I liked this chapter a little better than chapter one.

Author's Response: Comma! D: They'll be the death of me, but I see what you're saying.

BARE and BEAR are the bane of my existence, I tell you.

Yes, a very interesting change. I know the normal POV changes in a story usually stay in the same -person tense. Like third, second (blech) or first. But I wanted to try something a little different. This was the result.

The story's done Apop! It was done last chapter too (yes, this story's chapter ending coincides with the previous one. Chapter one kind of takes place over a half hour, while this one was a day, but they both end at the same place) - it's a TWO-shot! haha Get it? I thought it was funny.

Rereading that interaction it is kind of realistic isn't it? Makes me proud. But not TOO proud, no worries there! XD Yeah, I know what you man, HP can be a little bit like a fable or a fairy tale at times, you know?

Well, Astoria certainly does think there's a problem. You seem to have the story pegged perfectly. And I won't say much more than that. "Draco has a bit of a problem"... yeah, you could say that.

I kind of want to ask you - how did this story end?

Yeah, I'm not 100% sold on her workday, but it does seem like it works. I like bringing Padma in out of the blue - and Michael as well, though I did use him in ATAS. Yeah, I definitely wanted to bring the story from inside Draco's eye to like a landscape camera looking at Astoria in particular - but nothing TOO close, you know?

I am leading them on. And then I put an ellipsis at the end. It is very partial, and with a few things you can pick up what's happened here near the end (hints in the chapter - in both chapters)

I like this one more too! :)

Thanks so much for this review Apop! I really appreciate it. :D

Jacob David (my new pseudonym. Yup)


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Review #3, by Alopex Part One

23rd May 2010:
And it was all I could not to think about it. --> you're missing a word.

Her eyes would constantly flick to me over something she was reading or she'd randomly stare into the fire – she was biding her time, silent – but pontificate. --> I'm 99% sure that "pontificate" can't be used in this way.

You asked me to be on the lookout for typos, but I didn't really find any. There were a few places where I would have put commas, but I am not pointing them out. Some writers do leave them out, and I think that's the style you were going for. I felt like you were really trying for a particular style in this piece.

The more of your work I read, the more I come to realize what a versatile writer you are, Jackson. You do have several pieces that seem similar stylistically (LCBS and that one about Al, for example, and *maybe* this one and the Snape one), but your author page has variety. ATAS does stand out from the rest, I think, in terms of style. I can't think of a piece that it's similar too; it's in its own category. Right, then. I'm done gushing about your versatility.

As in the Snape piece, I found myself more impressed by your writing and narrative style than by characterization. Maybe I'd find this more believable in the third person, but the first-person narrator in this particular chapter doesn't "feel" like Draco to me. I'm not sure that I can pinpoint a particular reason why Draco's voice feels off, but it does. Maybe there is too much of you or whatever author you were imitating coming through here.

The writing itself was lovely, though. I felt the beginning was a bit on the choppy side--all those short sentences kind of annoyed me a little--but as in the Snape story, this chapter had a pleasing flow and rhythm.

Overall, it seems a promising beginning to the story.

Author's Response: I'm not missing a word actually. That sentence reads correctly. You're just expecting 'do', but it works without.

According to my big dictionary it CAN be used that way, but I used its meaning incorrectly. I dunno what a pontiff office is, but I don't think that's what I talking about. Reflective it is! XD

Well I wasn't really going for a style, but just writing down a stream of thoughts. It is a style, stream of consciousness, and those annoying choppy sentences and oddness of character are a mainstay (maybe the former more so than the latter) - but there wasn't a particular author I was trying to emulate. Unsure again if that's a compliment or not. I'm leaning toward the darkside with that one.

Yay! I'm versatile. I kind of agree with you there. LCBS and Oh! How Horrid! are rather similar in stylings (it's why LCBS has been torn down and Oh! How Horrid! has been made the real comedy/romance for me).

The narrative shines past who Draco is? I see Draco in this one as accurate. It sucks that all we've got to go on is a feeling. No examples? XD It's all good. That's asking an awfully lot of you. Thank you for taking the time to review this, by the way. I know I haven't said that yet and it's well overdue! :) There must have been too much of me coming through, but I don't really see that, perhaps the character itself is generic. As in I could have thrown Harry/Ginny or Ron/Hermione or Rowena/Salazar in this situation and it could be the same story. Nothing really MAKES this Draco you know?

Does that explain it a bit?

Anyways, I'm glad you liked the writing. Yes. The beginning was rather jagged, and I'm glad I'm getting flow and rhythm down!

Thanks again Apop! Always fun to read your reviews! :D

Jackson (apparently after the podcast it has been decided that this is a too hard pseudonym to pronounce, so my parents have officially changed it for me. Can you believe that?)


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Review #4, by keroberros Part Two

3rd May 2010:
Again, wow. I'm struggling to find anything wrong with this part. I like that you didn't then switch to Astoria's PoV as such with this chapter, but rather kept the third person narrative and interspersed it with Astoria's thoughts and feelings.

This piece as a whole was very thought provoking and actually chilling. I love the ambiguity of the title too as it leaves it open to reader interpretation what the monster is. Is it Draco himself? Is it the feeling of jealousy? Is it actually love?

It's so sad that Astoria dies in the end but the fact that she "never once flinched" adds such a poignancy to it. The subtlety of the piece as a whole, as well as the ending are brilliant. You're writing style really serves that purpose. The ending is brilliant. If you had tried to complicate it or use anything other than those tree simple sentences then the whole tone of the piece and its effect on the reader would have been lost.

Great job!
Kero

Author's Response: Dear Kero,

I am pleased to see your response was wow after reading this. I am a little put out you are struggling to find anything wrong, but I understand fully what you intended that sentence to mean, so I won't hold it against you. It was Astoria's POV at a distance, you are right, and even then we only see quips and pieces of what she is really thinking. Glad you noticed.

It was a bit chilling, I'll agree to that. Thought provoking, well, to each her own. I thought it was as well, but only if you really understand what's going on, which I'm sure you pride yourself on doing, so we are akin there. Monster is indeed a very ambivalent title, leaving many of the open strings permanently so, which is also another aspect, I'm sure, of that thought provoking thing.

Not flinching adds more than poignancy in my opinion. Much more. I believe that Astoria's mind would have been so much more interesting to have delved into than Draco's. Draco's mind state was posted and unchanging, knowing the entire time what his goal must be, but simply running through his past thoughts and actions before commencing. Astoria could have changed these events. Changed herself, changed her life - her marriage, but she didn't. That is the kicker. She accepted her fate. Why? Taking her ring off - sitting at the table, not flinching. There are hints as to a lot of things throughout the piece, some have yet to be picked up on, like you said - subtlety. I am pleased as well that you liked those sentences. They fit perfectly and worked rather well with the piece, I think.

Thank you very much for the review.
Jackson Robles


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Review #5, by keroberros Part One

3rd May 2010:
Wow. A new twist on the Draco/Astoria story and I love it. Writing this from Draco's PoV really helps you to empathise with him. You really get the feeling from this that despite, or rather because of his own upbringing, Draco wants to maintain a happy family unit as it were.

Although normally extensive use of rhetorical questions can be detrimental to a piece, I think that here they were actually necessary, as they reflected the inner turmoil that Draco felt over the whole situation. Oh, and using Michael Corner is genius, he would be the person I would least expect so that was really clever.

The only criticism I have is just a little technicality of Legillimency. You wrote: "had she performed Legillimens?" The correct term here is Legillimency as Legillimens is the incantation for the 'spell'

Other than that it was brilliant! Keep up the good work
Kero

Author's Response: Yes, it seems like the nuclear family would be extremely important for the young boy inside of him. The happy, complete family.

Draco did have a lot of questions I suppose, as his mind was confused. Yup yup! Michael! Yay for Michael! And since he didn't end up with Cho I figured I could do whatever I wanted with him. XD

Thanks for the pick me up on the grammar Keros! I can always use the help.

Glad you liked it! Talk to you soon I'm sure.

JD


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Review #6, by long_live_luna_bellatrix Part Two

20th April 2010:
Oh, phew. I read the first sentence and was sitting there thinking I was an idiot, for thinking it was a murder. Then I realized it was just a switch of views, and from first to third as well.

I'd had a brief thought in the first chapter, wondering if Draco was overreacting, but then dismissed it when Astoria seemingly didn't come home from work that night. Then, in this chapter, after seeing she clearly wasn't cheating on him, I began to suspect she was pregnant and he wouldn't want another child, or something along those lines.

I thought the taking off of the engagement ring was a little to forced. Sure, people admire their rings all the time, but 99% of the time they look just as pretty on their fingers. I know, Draco needed another reason to think she was lying, but it just wasn't a natural action.

So, to sum it up, you did this challenge wonderfully. You showed the beast within the human, and you did it subtly, too. Honestly, you could have just made it a one shot, and had the first chapter stand alone. Although, I do see the significance of proving Astoria wasn't really cheating on Draco. You did this challenge wonderfully! My only taker, but it turned out very well...

TripleL

Author's Response: Hola TripleL - good to see youu!

Yeah, we kind of pulled forcibly out of Draco's head and settled over Astoria's shoulder.

Yeah, it's kind of . . . well I know what happens. But the pregnant thing is a very interesting thought. But then Draco's so fond of Scorpius. Why wouldn't he like another? Hmmm...

That thought didn't even cross my mind while writing it. About Astoria giving Draco another reason to suspect her. I was thinking of something else, but I guess if it wasn't natural it doesn't really matter for what reason she did it does it? Huh.

Ha. I'm kind of bummed you didn't have more takers. I would have loved to read other people's take on that quote. And thanks! I'm glad you thought I did a good job.

Jackson


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Review #7, by long_live_luna_bellatrix Part One

19th April 2010:
Hey there. Fifteen days after I learned you'd posted this, I'm here. And really excited. Because I like stories with meaning, with twists, and that can be inspired by other great stories.

It was a little slow at first, I will say that. Looking back, the pace and flow of the whole thing was excellent, the way you started with several phrases, used some great description, back to dialogue, then a whole paragraph of short, snappy sentences. Perhaps it was because the whole idea of cheating on someone has been done so much before.

Then I hit the paragraph where Draco speculates over modifying his own memory, and the circular cycle of it all, and I was hooked. That kind of thinking, getting deep into magical ideas you so rarely hear about, was great. If any of that had been closer to the beginning of the story, I would've been hooked even earlier.

It was all great from there. Draco started to develop a little more character, especially when he started talking about how he cared for his son more than job, his wife, his wretched name, etc.

And then, the last two paragraphs. You had me going for awhile there, thinking about the beast inside Astoria... and then to spring a murder on us! That was the brilliant part. And subtle, too. And finally, the irony of "that spring back in my step" as if, la-di-da, I murdered my wife and now all is well again. Good going, JR! Onto the next chapter...

Author's Response: !! I was totally sure that I replied to you! Like completely. I remember typing it up and everything! *cries*

Oh well. I'll live. Sorry! Okay, let's start:

Ha. Sorry about the lack of original plot. ;) But I am glad that you were pleased with the flow of this. And it did kind of being with time ticking. Slow going and builds, like an old musical piece. Though it doesn't have the same resolution, I think it does well along those lines.

Yaay! You were hooked! I'll just tick up a point for me. *ticks* I'm glad you liked that part. Probably one of my favorites.

Yeah, Draco's kind of a malleable character for me. I don't know what it is about him. He's a fun character to write. Not Tom Felton - Draco Malfoy, you know?

I'm glad you liked this chapter. This was a really fun challenge to work on - and thank you! I really appreciate you taking the time to review and read it!

Jackson Robles! (or JR for short I guess) :P


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Review #8, by butterbeergal Part Two

12th April 2010:
Nice, smooth switch from Draco to Astoria. Same story, totally different picture.

Oh gosh, what happened to them? But you wouldn't answer that, would you? :P

Now I've changed my mind about Draco. Well, actually, I feel equally for both of them so I'd say you did a good job with that.

I'm really impressed with how you've written two distinct voices in one story. This sounded so much like Astoria (or at least the one I have in mind). I would have thought some aspects of Draco would have spilled over here but I'm glad that didn't happen, and you were right to break this up into two parts, in my opinion. Reads better this way.

I liked how you wrote something so open to interpretation, how you just skimmed over most things but still gave enough details for the reader to try and come up with her/his own version of what happened between them.

And I totally agree about silence being worse than pain. You have no idea. :s

Didn't find any grammar/punctuation issues that stood out so great job there.

As thought provoking as ever, JD. Very interesting, it's unlike anything I've read as far as this kind of plot goes.

*high fives JD*

Gillian

Author's Response: GILL! D: I thought I responded?! I didn't :/ Oh well . . . consider it payback :P

Yeah . . . what happened to them is - whatever you think. I 'know,' but if you were to say something different I don't think it would be wrong. There's only one real way I can see this ending up though, you know?

It's hard for both, yeah. I'm glad you didn't just turn on poor Draco.

I really wanted to keep this part third person limited from no one's point of view, you know? Or at least as close to that as possible - there are bits that I had to close up, but they kind of just came out that way. It had to be written how it way written, you know?

Silence is kind of worse than pain, huh? I'm sorry you could relate with that, you know?

*high fives back and blushes*

Thanks for the great review Gillian!

Jackson


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Review #9, by butterbeergal Part One

12th April 2010:
Ola, JD!

(Yes, I live. Apologies for the delay. You are free to chuck a shoe at me or something.)

Okay, I LOVED Draco's voice. Absolutely loved it. You made me see him in this whole other light that I never would have imagined until you wrote it, does that make sense? And the wonderful thing is, even though I've never read/seen him this way, it's still totally in character for him. And I adored how you made him completely in love with his son in his own Draco way. Very touching, and makes for a refreshing change from the normally self-absorbed Draco I read too often.

...and walks with a spring in her step. A spring for him. A spring she refused to carry for me.

Arrgh, you just broke my heart with that. My heart doesn't normally go out to Draco, but you just made it.

It's all a figment of the imagination anyways – who's to say someone hadn't Confunded me to think something's amiss – you could only go along with what your head told you. Wouldn't it be liberating to forget the harsh truth and live in a utopia?

Oh, yes. I totally agree, and although it sounds horrible, I sometimes wish I'd been Confunded into thinking some of the things that I absolutely hate to think about. So I feel for Draco on this count.

This chapter would have read fine as a one-shot, so I'm intrigued as to what the second chapter brings.

And that is my cue to move on to chapter 2. See you there. ;)

Cheerio,
Gillian

Author's Response: Holy Gillian! How're you? Good I hope. I'm fine myself. In a good mood. I hope you are too.

And I might just have to chuck a shoe at you. Give me a few moments to find a particularly dangerous shoe, right?

I'm stoked you loved Draco's voice! Happy in all the right places - I am (sorry, Star Wars is on XD)

I personally had no real intention of making Draco's love for his son as poignant as it became - but I think that it is the only way it could possibly work with the story, you know?

Investing in the characters is always nice - let's hope that continues on to the next chapter. On both accounts of quotes - I'm happy that they related to you.

This does read a-okay as a one-shot doesn't it?

JD and thank you for the review!


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Review #10, by PrincessPadfoot Part Two

10th April 2010:
Hello again JD!

Back again to read and review!!! Loved the first chapter (if you could tell from my long review) and I’m hoping the second chapter won’t disappoint!!!

I love changes in POV!!! This gives us an insight into what Astoria was thinking and feeling and right off the back you know that something is up with her and Draco. But it’s not what I thought from the previous chapter. The plot thickens!!!

I loved that fact that everyone she works with is so supportive of her in her time of need. That’s such a good thing for a woman to have when her relationship with her husband is rocky. It’s sad but realistic that she goes to the pub to drown her sorrows. It’s what most people do when they are going through a hard time.

See now I’m sympathetic to Astoria’s side! You made me a side switcher (hehe)!! She is hurting because she doesn’t know why Draco is so cold towards her and she can’t find a way to talk to him because he won’t listen. She’s at her wits end and she’s all emotional.

And then…such a sad sad ending!!! Oh but it was the perfect ending to this story no doubt about that!!! Oh where is that ‘add to favorites’ button…there it is *click*

10,000/10 Fantabulous job JD!

PrincessPadfoot

Author's Response: Glad to have you, PP, glad to have you.

Hoping the second chapter won't suck makes me think you worry it's a sequel. I can promise that it isn't:

I'm glad you liked the changes. In POV I mean. Astoria's likable enough I think. And so is Draco too - but there's a lot of this story I choose not to cover. Think of it like a picture. I've superimposed on the eyes of each character - but there's everything else missing. The background, the rest of their faces, their bodies, the tree they're leaning on - all that kind of thing.

And it's all because I think their 'eyes' are the most important part.

Wouldn't YOU be supportive if you're friend was going through a rough patch in her marriage - so yeah, thank you for complimenting me on that. I'm trying to practice accurately representing human relationships and feelings.

haha a regular flip flopper you are! She is pretty much stuck in a rut. But I can't help but think that if she just summoned up the courage . . . oh well. What's happened has happened.

Thank you so much PP. Really - I'm glad you liked the ending and all the way through.

10 out of 10 is the highest rating I think I've ever gotten (XD) so - thank you very, very, VERY much! I'm going to go around thinking I've earned that now.

Talk to you later then? M'yeah, m'yeah,

JD


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Review #11, by PrincessPadfoot Part One

10th April 2010:
Hi JD!

I’m here to review as per your request on the forums!!!

This is a beuatifully done first chapter, but it almost reads like a one-shot. That’s perfectly fine, it’s just strange to see that in a short story type. But maybe that’s how you planned it *shrug*.

But enough about that, this is wonderfully beautifully written. The emotions Draco are feeling are deep and the way you portray them, they almost have a profound nature. Like he is some old timey philosopher searching for the meaning of life within his own heart. Powerful stuff man.

The way you have Draco describe his wife, is how any man would decribe his wife if she was cheating on him. I automatically sided with Draco in this chapter and that is a rare thing for me to do.

When Draco mentioned modifying his own memory in order to forget the activites of his wifey I almost cried!!! That was such a beautifully written paragraph full of raw emotion!!!

The ending was…indescribably wonderfully done. I actually shed a tear for poor Draco and little Scorpius.

On to chapter 2!!!

P.S. hehe I spotted a mistake:

“but it was those questions were the most to be worried about” I think that there is a word missing in the middle of that sentence…

*sigh* and another:

“And it was all I could not to think about it”

Hehe:

“crop up everywhere, as, as soon I cast that charm,”

Author's Response: Hi PP. Thank you so much for the grammar pointers. I'm kind of bummed that I missed them. Rereading them even posted down here I kept reading it like the words were in there. >.< Oh well. I'll be sure to get them out of there for the 'final' version.

It does feel like a one shot, doesn't it? (By the way, I really dislike the way this site does that - short stories are usually nothing more than 2000 words - but here they're one-shots? What? And a short story is 25000 words? What?) BEYOND that, that was kind of the point, though I think you've figured that much out, huh?

Draco/Astoria in the purest sense of the phrase, huh? XD

Well, I kind of figured by this time in Draco's life he'd be past the whole 'what's my life for thing' because he's got a son, but then again, even having a son can't prepare you for the love of your life betraying you, you know?

I'm stoked you liked the bit about modifying his memory. Anything to get the thoughts from his head.

You sided with Draco O.O SOMEONE's doing their job! xD

I think I'll take that as a compliment. 'indescribably wonderfully done' Chalk one up for the "someone's being nice to me bored"! :D

See you soon then, eh? (reference to 'on to chapter 2' XD)

JD


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Review #12, by prongs13 Part Two

7th April 2010:
This is really good! I quite literally feel split between Draco and Astoria. Update soon, I can't wait to read more :)

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it. I'll definitely update very soon!

Thank you for the review! ^.^


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Review #13, by PhotoFairy 27 Part Two

6th April 2010:
what happened? did he kill her??
this was written so well, i loved it! i just don't understand what they were fighting about and what happened in the end!!

Author's Response: To tell you would seriously ruin all the fun, wouldn't it?

Actually who knows?! It's all open to interpretation anyways! ;)

Thank you for the review Photo - I'm glad you liked it!


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Review #14, by Jazzeh Turnip Part Two

6th April 2010:
Birthday Challenge. Review #7.

Woah, this is a bit of a contrast to the last chapter, eh? SPEECH!

"...how have you all heart about it!" - little typo here xD
A homeless - This kind of made me laugh a little bit which is probably a bit inappropriate, but I've never heard someone say just "a homeless" before ^.^
She was too tired to sleep, to worried to care. - You've used the wrong kind of "to" here. Probably just a typo again though xD

Another very lovely chapter though. There's the odd typo but nothing too big. I love how you've done this as a his and hers type fic. So neither of them were cheating and they weren't going to break up? That last chapter was very clever then, keeping everything on the downlow like that.

This could've worked either way, Draco first, Astoria second or the other way round. I am glad you did it this way though. I've read too many fics with the man being the "cheater" [xD] and not enough with the woman.

I love that last line. It's so simple but so good! I quite like your portrayal of Astoria too. Everything pretty vague, but I think I like that about this. Before you never SAID that Draco and Astoria had broke up, I just assumed they did. You should lable this as a mystery fic or something, haha!

9/10 again :D LOVELY.

Lorren.

Author's Response: Hi Lorren. Did I say thank you and happy birthday last time? Or belated birthday?! I should have. :/ And I will now.

HAPPY birthDAY Lorren! *sings happy birthday song out of tune*

Oh well, I tried. ^.^

Argh :/ There's some mess ups? I'll get on 'em ASAP! *whips out the shovel*

NO! I actually used the wrong kind of to too? DX I'm embarrassed.

Well at least you thought it was lovely. Thank my Wizard God (XD) - I never thought of it as a his/hers.

More a what might've/what did happen fic - but that title works as well. haha - I like that take on this fic.

Neither cheated and they weren't going to break up. I like the different reactions I'm getting to what actually happened. I tried to write it that way. And I succeeded! I'll pat myself on the back.

I'll tell you straight out - the reason for the order of chapters I mean. I wanted you to get the wrong idea and then bring it back with Astoria's chapter - but they do work either way, you're right.

haha I might just have to label this as a mystery fic (what happens ;]?!) Anyways, I am quite fond of the last line as well.

Thank YOU Lorren!

Jackson


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Review #15, by Jazzeh Turnip Part One

6th April 2010:
Birthday Challenge. Review #6.

This is very beautiful and makes me wish I had Draco's voice whenever I need to have an innermonologue moment xD.

I don't really feel like I have much to say on this chapter. It's very well written and I love the way it flows. I also love how you didn't use much speech, especially around the parts they were having the talk. It works really well without.

I didn't spot any errors or anything either, and to be honest I just want to read on. Really, really badly. I think this would work well as a oneshot too. Not amazingly well xD But better than any oneshot I've done (Total: 1. haha).

So now I shall read on despite telling myself yesterday that I;d only review one chapter of every fic I read today -shakes head-. Sorry for the short-ish review xD. 9/10

Lorren.

Author's Response: :D I'm glad out of the many suggestions you took a look at one of my pieces! I'll have to thank Linders later as well.

Haha - Draco's rather elegant isn't he?

I'm glad you didn't mind the missing dialogue. I thought it worked well without as well, so yay! lol

One-shots aren't that hard. You should try them - good for releasing those plot bunnies moments in your life!

YAY! you kind of HAVE to know what happens next. Or during . . . or whenever the next chapter takes place xD

Thank you Lorren,
cheers,
Jackson!


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Review #16, by LindaSnape Part Two

5th April 2010:
Hey, dear! :P

I'm back again. Fear my wrath! Muhahahaha. *Ahem*. Anyhow, this was lovely just as the first chapter was. I like how you portrayed Astoria. She's strong and yet sensitive at the same time. She isn't completely tough girl or whiny sensitive little annoyance, which is nice.

I think when you put 'dinger', however, you meant dingier. It was a bit dingier on Tooley Street makes a bit more sense than dinger. No offense, but I thought I'd point that out to you.

The plot was rather interesting. Aside from the 'dinger' incident, I didn't run into any other spelling or grammatical errors. At least, none that were blatantly obvious to me, so kudos! The flow of this worked out quite nicely.

As far as the writing goes, I enjoyed it. However, reading Draco's perspective and Astoria's perspective, it's a bit saddening for me. It seems that they both had misconstrued thoughts of one another.

Though, I suppose that happens when there's a lack of communication.

Over all, lovely, lovely piece! I really enjoyed it. :)


Linders

Author's Response: Hey Fawkes! (rofl) =P

I do definitely fear your wrath, oh you have no idear. *keckers*

Well, Astoria is a real person, so she wouldn't be all the one of one side of those things. You know? ;)

I have officiously (Everything is Illuminated reference FTW!) fixed the dinger line. Good catch dude. Yeah, I made sure I got rid of MOST of them. And the flow is what I pride myself on, so yay! Fawkes is nice!

It is a bit saddening, isn't it? They did have misconstrued thoughts of one another, to be sure.

Thank you Linders! Love ya Fawkes! (I'd do a heart - wait! I can copy and paste:)

♥


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Review #17, by Tasha Part One

4th April 2010:
Not to be rude or anything, but I can't really see myself getting into this, and the author of Lord of the Flies is William Golding... :*

Author's Response: That's the last part, so it's all good. And thanks, I wrote the summary late at night.

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Review #18, by LindaSnape Part One

3rd April 2010:
Wow, I haven't read any of your other works yet. (sorry)

I have to admit, though, that I like this one, a lot. Though, usually the idea of cheating annoys me and even turns me off of some stories, I like that it's Astoria doing the cheating and not Draco. Too often men are made into the villain, people seem to forget that not all women are innocent. So yes, I like this.

On the whole, the writing was good, very good. I liked it. It's a bit too short for my tastes, but that's me being nitpicky and throwing my own personal preference into there.

I do like that you included such descriptions and characterization in your first chapter, not everyone can do that, and I think you did that very well. You get a distinct feel for Draco and Astoria and the kind of people they are.

For once, when I read a story about Draco, I wasn't focusing on how much I hated him or how much of a coward he was, I actually pitied him. Which is good. I think that's wonderful that you could make me pity someone who I normally hate. So kudos, there!

I like the emotional depth that you reached here. I get the impression that Draco is a really good father and he loves his son.

This plot is very original and I can't wait to see where it progresses.


Linders

Author's Response: thanks Linders!

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