It's lovely. One thing though, Narcissa is actually older than Sirius, with five years, if my memory serves me right. Report Review
So good! Please update!! Report Review
Wow. Just wow.
You're writing style is absolutely amazing! I adore stories with Narcissa, and I think you have captured her absolutely perfectly!
I really am wonderfully thrilled with this, it went far beyond my expectations--which were already quite high!
Kudos to you for not only venturing to characters not primarily written, but also for doing it so well that I'm having problems thinking straight! I'm going to go keep reading, and you, darling dearest, should work on updating because I need more!
Adding to favorites!
EverAuthor's Response: Hey :) just saw your message on my status and how ironic that you picked the exact same time to leave a review just as I was reading your blog about the reviews.
Really, I am lost for words. This is an incredibly inspiring review. Its always great to hear good things about stories where the characters are generally adored by the fandom, but it is truly amazing to receive praise for writing characters that linger in the background or go unnoticed by many. I'm extremely happy that the character lived up to your expectations :) I've enjoyed writing Narcissa and intend to continue in the future.
Thank you so much this has really inspired me to write and update this story as soon as i get some free time!
Thank you for you kind consideration Ever :) I really appreciate this thoughtful gesture.
~Cali. Report Review
Amazing! I can totally feel Cissy's confusion and her sisterly towards Andy. Great job! You get the emotions and stuff just write!
Update soon! :)Author's Response: Thank you so much! Glad you like the story! Hope you keep reading! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing Report Review
I liked it! :) I think that you captured Narcissa's attitude and personality well! Great job!Author's Response: Hey thanks :) Glad you like it :) :) Keep reading! Report Review
I liked this one more than the last, maybe it's the fact that it was a bit of a dramatic chapter.
I like the way you start off because it's the perfect way for Narcissa to eavesdrop.
I also like how you've got Andromeda as the calm, understanding sister. She seems so sure of what she wants and she won't let anyone get in the way of that.
The ending was a little surprising because Narcissa does seem, as Andromeda says, naive. So the thoughts she had were really surprising.
Keep writing :)Author's Response: Hey thanks a lot for the reviews! I hope you enjoyed reading.
I will try and space out the information in the first chap so it's not too overwhelming, thanks for the tip.
I know the ending was a little surprising I just hope it works with the plots..
So sorry for the late reply I was having exams and was off these sites for months lol.
Thank you so much for your reviews! hope you keep reading :) Report Review
Hello, I'm sorry for the delay in the review.
I think that it's a pretty solid plot, but you may want to change a few things, these are just suggestions though.
I like the way you start it off. It's relaxed yet formal at the same time, in the space of a few seconds, you've established that she's formal and well behaved, even if it's supposed to be a little humourous - "Tea? No? Suit yourself."
I also like how she describes her family, but I think you've jumped into it a little quickly, maybe some background info on her first? Just a suggestion, though. Your story, you do what you like with it :)
I like how Bella is the example for her sisters.
So far, you have a great chapter.Author's Response: Hey! Thank you so much for the review! Thanks for the pointers I'll work on them :)
Glad you like the story so far, hope you continue :) Thanks again! Report Review
Very well written. I think you've captured Andromeda really well in this chapter, seeing as we know hardly anything about her.Author's Response: Thank you so much! :) :) I'm so glad you liked her character, I've always been intrigued about Andromeda! :) hope you keep reading! Report Review
Wow. That really was an eye opener.
I always found Andromeda admirable for giving up everything she had for the love of her life. Its just so heart warming hearing those type of things. I loved how you made her decision. Even though it hurt she was happy to be with him and didn't second guess herself. Good job describing that.
&Narcissa. The end was definitely a shocker. But I could definitely see her saying that. I really like how your building her character up. Its good to see her strong.
I'm so intrigued right now =)
I'd love to see what happens next. Actually, I can't wait!
Excellent job so far my dear. Please let me know when the next chapter is out!Author's Response: Hey again! I know I've said it many times before but I LOVE YOUR REVIEWS! thank you so much for taking the time to review my story...
I'm so glad you like the characterization so far I hope to make Narcissa strong because she's often depicted as fragile and someone who lingers in the background. Anyway I'm so glad you like it! I'll definitely seek your opinion when the next chapter comes out! :) Report Review
Omg... I loved this prologue. I've always had a fascination with the back sisters. They're just so interesting, and exploring how they were before all the madness is something that intrigues me.
I think you started off great. I liked how you characterized each of them. I could see this really happening. &the whole greatest Black bride part. Seems as though this going to get really interesting.
Fantastic start!Author's Response: As usual I love your reviews!!! :) Report Review
I do quite like the way you've built Narcissa's personality and such. I can connect with her very well, if you believe it or not...
So, I can't wait until you update again (: Keep it up!Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm so glad you like it! wow you can relate to her?!! that's interesting, I'd definitely love your input if I get writers block :)
Hope you keep reading! Thanks again for reviewing :) :) Report Review
I love it! It honestly sheds the light on true sibling rivialry, Once more It's amazing!Author's Response: Thanks hun! Glad you like it :) hope you keep reading :) Report Review
Wow. This is beautiful. I have nothing to say. I love the beginning and the way she hears the argument through the door, then the confrontation, and the last final lines. Stunning, seriously. Thank you so much for writing this!
The only thing I can say were a few gramatical errors (for example not putting a full stop at the end of speech), so just have a quick look through and you'll see what I mean.
This is extraordinary writing. Well done :)Author's Response: WOW! I'm blown away that you like the writing so much! seriously wow! I'm SO glad that you like it and enjoyed reading it! Thank you SOOO SO much for reviewing! Report Review
I really enjoyed reading this. You've certainly captured Narcissa's character very well and gradually build on the foundations you originally create.
This definately gets better as it goes along. The opening lines were great: humorous, and they also gave us a good idea as to Narcissa's character.
I felt that perhaps there were some odd moments in the middle, where the flow of the writting became a little awkward, but this certainly cleared up by the end and I really enjoyed the explanations of the sisters and their relationship.
A few tiny gramatical points perhaps, but nothin major. There were a few moments where you used the future tense when I think you needed to use the future perfect for better effect. For example: "Like the rest of my family I shall take up my place in the House of Slytherin". Perhaps you could say "I was going to" or "I knew that I was going to" instead of "shall", just so that it fits in with the rest of the narrative? There was also a typo... I can't remember where it was (sorry to be so unhelpful!) but it was nothing major at all :)
Well done on a really great start to a promising story. It's really good, because this is so original as well; I've never seen a story about Narcissa's life before! Great stuff :)Author's Response: Hey! thanks so much for the review! I'm so glad you enjoyed the chapter and that you like where it goes so far.
I know there are a few grammatical errors and some typo's here and there. ( this was written in a bit of a hurry! :) ) hopefully this'll be much cleaner once I get a beta on the job :)
Thanks for the great review! I'm glad you like it :) :) Report Review
This was good. I liked the emotion change in Narcissa at the end there. She went from missing her sister, to realizing that was one less sibling to beat. I just love your characterization of her. She seems so perfectally canon!
I like the plot of this story. It really intrests me to see where you're going to take it! Now that Andromeda's gone, it basically a competition between Narcissa dn Bellatrix. I like that. Great job on this!Author's Response: Hey! Thank you so much for reviewing again. I'm really glad you like the characterization! Thanks :)
Hope you keep reading! Report Review
Hey there, doratonks14 from the forums here with your requested review! :D
Mmkay, so I dunno if there is gonna be anything constructive in this, or if its all just gonna be fangirl squeeing, because honestly, I LOVED this! I'm a HUGE Black sisters fan, so you have NO IDEA how excited I was to read this. And it didn't disappoint.
Characterization - What? Why are you even worried about this?! It's flawless. Narcissa is beautifully written - her naive thoughts on blood and power, her being supposedly sweet and innocent, and her burning passion to outdo her sisters - bah, its all wonderful. Like crazy good. This is exactly how I would picture Narcissa. And Andromeda was perfectly done too. Smart, put-together, responsible, and still loving and understanding. Her leaving scene was perfect. So realistic. That's the word for it - all your characters are realistic. I luff it.
Plot - So far, fantastic. Its only two chapters so far, but from what I can tell already, I think this story has the potential to be absolutely awesome! Do not even worry about that.
Fave quote: "One down. One to go."
I got chills. Like literally. So vindictive and so Narcissa. Excellent. Just excellent.
Because I wanna be a little constructive and not just seem like some ridiculous squeeing teenage girl, the only thing I could think to improve on would be your paragraph spacing a little bit. Sometimes they run together, and it makes it hard to read, but that is just me being SUPER nit-picky. So feel free to ignore that if you so choose. :P
Again, in case you can't tell, I loved it!! Thank you so much for stopping by my thread - I'm adding this to my favorites, so you can expect regular reviews from me on this. Though do feel free to poke me with other stories whenever you'd like. :D 10/10Author's Response: Hey Doratonks! I officially love you for being such an awesome reviewer!
Love. love. love your review!:)
I'm so extremely glad you liked the story and the characters and everything! I'm beyond glad I'm ecstatic! lol
Ahh yes I will work on the paragraphing! thanks a lot hun :) I'll definitely let you know when the 3rd chappie is out. I wouldn't wanna miss out on your reviews! So sorry for the late reply I was away from this site for months cos I had a few projects and exams to finish! :) thanks again fro reading my stories :) xx Report Review
I really like your opening paragraph. It draws you in. You did a good job there.
There were some problems with line spacing. Just places where I thought there should be a line between paragraphs and there weren't. You also need to watch your puncuation and language. In so many places it just read so formal I had a hard time believing they would talk like that. Using contractions would help immensly. I recommend editing again, or looking for a beta.
I really like the dynamic between Narcissa and Andromeda. You did a very good job with them. The last lines add a lot to Narcissa character as well. That was a clever way of showing us what she's like.
I love the detail you put into Andromeda's character. Showing how good she is at household charms ties in nicely with some of the things we were told in the books. And you descriptions! I can't tell you enough how great it is that you arn't afraid to describe things. That's something stories often suffer from.
well done! Report Review
You've caught Narcissa's attitude very well. I felt like I was talking to someone who was clearly on her pedestal, and had no intention of getting down anytime soon. The opening couple of paragraphs too were very good. I like that you seem to be talking directly to the reader, rather than the reader seeming to be more of a bystander. That was very well done.
You had a lot of stand alone lines that were really powerful as well. Like the last line and "If you weren't loyal, you didn't exist". Those really help to capture the mood of the story in a very practical way.
You should go back over and check for spelling mistakes. I noticed a few. There was also one part where the wording got sticky that detracted from the general flow of the story. This part here: "I remember I rode THE TRAIN TO THAT DAY thinking all the while of one thing. There was only one place I belonged. In Slytherin." I capped the part that threw me.
The only other thing I can think of is try and identify the narrator in the text. For the first half the only thing telling us who's talking is the pairing information. The reader should be able to tell pretty early on who's talking by just reading the story alone. We shouldn't have to rely on AN or things like that. However, you also want to be careful of how you do it. Just having her state her name can come off as cheesy if not done right. Find a subtle and creative way of doing this.
You did a very good job overallAuthor's Response: Hey Myriad!
Wow thank you so much for the wonderful review! I'm so pleased that you find the story and the characterizations interesting! :)
I do like to read the stand alone lines that really make a story stand out and I thought I would incorporate that into my story. Glad you liked them :)
I will try to work on introducing Narcissa to the readers in a more prominant way. thanks for the heads up! Report Review
I've never really read a fic based around Narcissa, so I found this very interesting and original. I liked how you had the three sisters sort of fighting over being the best Black.
Your characterization of Narcissa was good. She seemed like a spoiled brat, just like I'd imagine her. XP Anyways, that's really all I can say there, since there wasn't a lot of action in this chapter, mostly just a prolouge.
I liked how you set up the ending for more drama to occur. Can't wait to see what happens there!
The plot was good, and, as I said, seems to be setting up for bigger and more dramatic things to happen. For now, it's good.
Just one thing I wanted to point out, Sirius is actually younger than Narcissa, not older, if you're sticking to canon. Really, I guess I just noticed that since I just now a lot about characters ages. :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing this story! I've branched out of my comfort zone and i'm really glad you like the story and find it interesting! :) I'm also glad you find the characterization good for Narcissa, I was holding my breath on that one :)
I am slightly deviating from canon here as I've mentioned at the start. But i hope that wont be too much of an issue because with the rest I plan to stay close to canon.
Thanks so much for reviewing! Report Review
RonNiffler here with your review! I was so happy that you came back to me for another review on Being Black! I really am enjoying this story! =D
Your detail seems to just get better and better! Really you have just a perfect amount in there not that you can't add more, but it's not like you need it.
Your flows pretty good too. There were a few parts were it seemed partly forced, but only for a second so no need to worry about that. The rest was pretty great though it flowed very nicely.
I didn't notice any grammar mistakes, but grammar isn't my strong point. So from what I saw you didn't have any mistakes, but don't take my word for it.
I love the plot! I really do like seeing everything from Narcissa's point of view! It fascinating really and should be very interesting story line to read and write. I hope you have fun with it!
Your characters are great. They're very realistic. The whole family has much more depth then we've ever seen before and for that it should be a great story alone!
Dialog was perfect. It's so formal when they talk even when one is leaving and that makes total sense for this family! =D
It's obvious you put a lot of thought in these chapters and it's paying off!
Great job and keep up the good work. Report Review
Hey, ronsgirl29 from the forums :)
I really really liked this! I've never read any Narcissa fics, so I was excitied to get to read this one!
You've characterized her wonderfully. I could see her acting that way. Totally ready to continue on the black family traditions, beautiful, wanting to be the greatest bride; all these things seem fitting in my mind for her.
I loved that you said "I watched because I knew when the time came I would outshine them all." It let us know that underneither she was just waiting for the right moment to show the world what's she capable of.
At the beginning you said "I can't promise a happy ending" so that leads me to believe some major drama is coming our way! I'm excited to read what ever that drama is :D I'm glad that you said that this won't be much of a romantic tale. I never really saw Narcissa and Lucious' relationship as very romantic, so I like that it seems it won't be too mushy or anything like that.
I always got the sense that Narcissa was kind of sad. Very proud of her heritage and whatnot, but sort of sad with her life, so I'll be interested to see how you have her character be!
Keep up the great writing, you've got a solid foundation :DAuthor's Response: Hey!
:) I was hoping to find someone who would like this kind of story.
THANK YOU! *big sigh of relief* I was scared she would come off as ooc. SO glad you liked her!
Ohhh yes, major drama but I still haven't figured out how to get about writing it into the story, I want it to build slowly instead of rushing into the story..
Thank you so much for reviwing! I hope you keep reading ;) Report Review
Hi there, Pen2Paper! I'm here to deliver your requested reviews. :)
So, in your request, you specified plot, characterization, and "anything else" as areas of concern. Something that I'll throw into the "anything else" category is grammar and punctuation, and I'll try and get it over as quickly and painlessly as possible. :) The main thing I notice is a lack of commas. There are quite a few places that need commas. Just to pull out one example: "For most that may be true. But the world where I lived in, the family I came from was very different in every way imaginable." In those two sentences, you need a comma after "most" and one after "from". It's up to you to decide how you want to go about addressing this--you could get a beta who could work with you to repair these kinds of omissions, or, if you feel confident in your abilities, you can go through and try and spot them yourself. Probably the most common way of looking for where to place commas is to read and see where you naturally pause in the sentence--usually, that spot needs a comma. It's not foolproof, though, so it may even be worth looking up some articles on the internet to learn some of the rules. :) The only other thing I noticed was that the spacing is a bit unusual--you have some paragraphs with blank spaces between them, and then some are pushed right next to each other. It might be worth it to make them all a little more consistent. I'm not sure if you're trying to group related sentences together, but if that's the case, it would probably be better to just combine them into one paragraph, rather than formatting it the way you have.
Other than that, though, the technical parts of the story were good. Your spelling was definitely fine, and the other punctuation is fine so far. Which is definitely something to be proud of, considering how many people are completely hopeless with any type of grammar or spelling. :)
Okay, though, enough of that! Now I'll try to address your concerns about plot and characterization.
As with all other introductory chapters, I can't make too many comments on plot development or pacing or anything like that. I will say, however, that I think you did a good job at setting up the conflict within the first chapter, so I do feel like this story of Narcissa's life has a good direction to it that will anchor the rest of the story.
I also do like your characterization of Narcissa. I think that she would have been very much like how you've portrayed her, especially as a teenager--outwardly quiet and meek, but inwardly strong-willed and a little capricious. I do also like the way you've defined her relationships to her sisters and the rest of her family.
I just have one suggestion in terms of plot for this first chapter: I think it would be stronger overall if you stuck to the same tense as you established at the beginning. At the outset, it seems like Narcissa is writing about her past life when she's older, and looking back on it. But that shifts somewhat arbitrarily as the chapter moves along, and sometimes the verb tenses get a little mixed up, like, "I was told I will recieve it on my fifteenth birthday as an honour for being part of the Black generation." Of course, the most important thing is consistency: whatever tense you choose to write it in, just stick to it for the entire chapter. Personally, however, I think this chapter would really stand out if it were written from the perspective of an older Narcissa, looking back on her life, before we get thrust into the main narrative. Just a suggestion--that part is completely up to you! :)Author's Response: It is absolutely shameful how long it has taken me to respond to this and I have no excuse. I beg your forgiveness for this rudeness, I'm really really sorry. That said I want to thank you very much for answering my request with a wonderfully helpful review! I do indeed have issues with punctuation and I'm in the process of editing and getting my work Beta'ed. Hopefully it'll help clear up some of the awkward mistakes. Also trying to fix the spacing. Thanks for the advice.
I'm very glad you liked Narcissa's characterization and her relationship with her sisters. This has been on pause for a long time but I think I may start it up again.
Thank you so so much for all your help and suggestions! I'm so very sorry it's taken me this long to respond!
I'll only make a few grammar comments this time. The comma issue is still present in this chapter, as is the spacing. You have some issues with punctuating dialogue; not to get all Hermione-ish, but I wrote up a guide to dialogue punctuation on the forums that you might find helpful. ;) And I have to ask: what did you mean by, "the cough at the bottom of the stairs"? Maybe this is a regional spelling/phrase that I'm not familiar with, but I have to confess that I'm clueless to what you mean by "cough" in that sentence! :S
Right, so, this time around, I feel like I can make better comments about the plot and characterization. :)
The plot seems to be progressing well. I do like that there's some action going on in the first chapter of the plot-proper, rather than more introduction. I liked that we got to see Andromeda's break from her family, and Narcissa's reaction to it. I thought you did a good job at writing that, and I liked that Andromeda gave Narcissa another perspective on what being a part of the Black family really means, and what it is and isn't worth. At this point, it feels like you've left a lot of room to develop Narcissa as a character--from a naive, obedient, superficial teenage girl to whatever else it is you have planned for her. (One thing, though--you stated in this chapter that Andromeda was the eldest sister. I know you're deviating from canon slightly, but you had said that Bellatrix was oldest in the chapter previous to this. Just thought I'd point that out!)
Specifically regarding characterization, I liked Narcissa's epiphany about "one down, one to go" at the end, but I actually think it would have fit better if you'd alluded to that feeling of triumph earlier in the chapter. Maybe Narcissa would feel torn over wanting her sister to stay and wanting to get closer to personal glory, and only at the end she gives in to feeling glad about Andromeda being gone. I only say this because it did seem to come a bit out of nowhere to just have it at the end without putting any feelings of internal conflict before it. Like I said, I really liked that there was that twist at the end, I just felt that it would have fit in a little more to have those emotions brought up earlier--it could be when she's listening to her mother and Andromeda, or in her and Andromeda's conversation itself.
Anyway, though, lovely start to a story! It's always nice to read about characters that get less attention in fan fiction, and Narcissa is definitely a very compelling character in my mind. I think you're doing a great job writing about her up to this point, so keep up the good work! :)Author's Response: Thanks for all the grammar and punctuation tips! I'm working on them and also working on getting a beta to help me out :)
Thank you so much for the compliments with the writting and plot. Glad you think it has developed somewhat... Thanks loads again for reviewing this story! :) Report Review
I think that your plot is moving along nicely! Andromeda's departure was well-written as a scene, you did a good job with that.
How old is Narcissa? I'm assuming she's around fourteen, because Dorian is mentioned as being a fourth-year. I'm curious, why did you decide to make her younger than the Marauders? (Of course, this could easily be explained/come into play in later chapters, I'm just being curious. :P)
Last chapter I said that I thought that the dialogue was too informal...now I feel that it's too uptight and forced. I'm getting nitpicky, because it's really hard to find that balance between too little and too much, but I kind of feel like these two chapters are the extremes, almost. It might just be me, but Andromeda especially came across as really stiff, particularly when she was fighting with her mother. Other than that though, I thought that the scenes themselves were well-written.
The line, "One down. One to go," was really eerie, creepy, and disturbing. But that's exactly what pure-blood families are, so I loved it. :)
Overall, I think that you've got a good start to your story! I'm definitely intrigued to see where to goes, so feel free to rerequest when you've got another chapter up!Author's Response: She's a fourth year yes. I just wanted her to be in school with the Marauders because the Marauders themselves are great characters that add flavour to a story even if they are in the background. I could have brought in OCs to fill their shoes instead of making Cissa younger but I find that characters who are already explored in the books crossover better to readers rather than dealing with OCs whose characters are alien to them.
I'll definitely work on the dialogue. Andromeda was meant to come off as a little stiff... she's leaving everything she knows behind for the guy she loves and she sort of saw this coming where her mother threw her out...
I'll try and work on it though thanks.
Thanks! I know it's really weird to see what Ciss is really thinking lol!
Thanks loads for the reviews! :) I will re request for the next chapter but it might take a while since I'm busy with a lot of projects and a summer internship on the way! Report Review
Hi there, I'm here with your reviews. :)
I think that your plot is definitely off to a good start--you've set up the Black family and Narcissa's situation well, and though this was an introduction-type chapter, it didn't come across as a filler and pointless to me. So I'm excited to see where it goes.
That being said, I'm not so sure about Narcissa's character--in the first paragraph, she doesn't come off as...pure-blood to me. In my opinion, I can't see Narcissa saying "huh". Throughout other parts of the story, I did think that she was written well--she came off as a spoiled brat, which I think she would be. You might just want to look over some of her actual "dialogue", though. Also, it did have some grammatical errors, so you might want to read it over again--or think about getting a beta, they really can be helpful.
So all in all, I think that you have a good start here. I'm definitely eager to go on to the next chapter. :)Author's Response: Hey! Thank you so much for taking the time to review my story :)
I'm glad it didn't come off as a filler chapter :)
I know Narcissa feels like she's only going to speak in proper English and be in keeping with high society traits but I thought of giving a her tiny bit of normal dialogue just to make a bit more relatable.
I'm glad you like her character though :)
I know there are some grammar errors I just haven't had much time to edit and proof read, I'll get on that as soon as I have time :)
Thanks a lot for the review!
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