Heya, Lexis from the review thread here, sorry it's taken me a while to get back to you.
Okay, lets get the negatives out of the way so I can talk about the good stuff, I always prefer to write good things. Firstly are some minor wording issues in the chapters. For example you have 'to' instead of 'two' in chapter one and 'flu' instead of 'floo' in chapter two. Easy mistakes to make and even easier to fix, just take two minutes going through your story with a fine tooth comb and these issues can be dealt with. The other is your author notes, unless you are making an announcement or amendment to the story you don't need to have these and if you are going to have notes use the horizontal line to denote them, it just looks a lot nicer. And stop asking us not to kill you for your writing. Show confidence in all aspects of your writing and that includes your author notes, show off how many reads you've had and then if you like put a simple 'Please read and review'. I'm not going to try and hunt you down with a rifle if you make one spelling mistake, I promise :).
Ok, that is pretty much all of the negatives out of the way, lets get on the proper review.
Your use of language is very good and both descriptions and imagery are very well done. You do well to paint a picture both of the settings and characters for us and I can easily picture Vie standing here, nasty grin on her lipstick red lips. I love Vie but I'm also terrified of her, you bring her to life with your descriptions and it's the little things like the kissing her reflection that make me want to find a dark corner to cower in.
Structure is good however I do think you need to point out and locate your shifts in time and location more effectively. For example in the very first section it might have been good to include a transition between the forest scene and Vie's meeting with the Master. Either you could have done a sort of 'Walkaway' where your character physically leaves the scene or you can use the HLAD (Horizontal Line of Action Death) but some people don't like that and a good transition looks a lot better and shows skill as a writer.
Form is difficult at this stage to gauge with only two chapters but there is a clear plot direction and you have steered it well so far, it is going to be interesting how you resolve the conflict between Draco and Vie. I will however warn you that maybe some more background is required to fill the gap between Draco and Vie in future chapters but don't feel pressured to rush and simply give the entire plot away in one paragraph. In my opinion the best story is the one where the plot is slowly revealed over time and gives a chance for the reader to guess and let their own mind draw conclusions. There is nothing worse than simply having the 'Explanation Chapter' where the entire plot is spoon fed to the reader in a handful of sentences. Take your time and let your ideas breathe, even if it takes a little bit longer. Including those little moments and memories will bring new dimensions to the characters and will make the story as a whole seem more layered and well written.
In conclusion, a good first two chapters to what I can see being a very well written piece, simply sort out some of the wording errors and some of the structural flaws and I think this will be a superb fic. You're more than welcome to come back and ask for further reviews. Well done and keep up the good work. 8/10
LexisAuthor's Response: Wow.
Thank you! XD.
I thought I'd looked at grammatical mistakes, but I must have missed some, so I'll go through again, thanks for telling me.
I'll take on all your advice and I'm sure my story will be all the better for it.
This review has really helped, thank you:).
'M. Report Review
I was so tired when I begun reading this, but it woke me up!
I just couldn't stop reading it.
Well done. Report Review
absolutley Hypnotic!Author's Response: thank you so much, i'm putting the next chapter up for validation as soon as my current one-shot is validated.
I am interested. Looking forward to an update.Author's Response: Update coming soon hopefully.
I won't update extremely quickly unfortunetly, as this story is more of a story on the side. Report Review
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