Reading Reviews for Surrendering My Broken Heart
  
52 Reviews Found

Review #1, by mena999 Progress

31st August 2011:
Wow. That was powerful and in a really good way. I really enjoyed that. I think you portraid Lily perfectly. Her thoughts on Severus were exactly how I'd imagined.
Over all, I loved it and I can't wait to see more from you. I saw that you've only done one-shots so far. I really hope you might start on a short story or novella. Great job! *added to favourites*
Mena999
P.S If you have a spare moment, please take a look at my one-shot Don't You Remember?. Thanks a lot in advance!!
P.P.S Stunning banner...

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Review #2, by Hayleekins Progress

27th August 2011:
I really enjoyed that! It was very sweet, the moments between Lily and James (espicially at the end) and I think you did a nice job with the interactions between Lily and Mulciber. Very well done, I look forward to reading more from you :)
Happy Writing,
Hayleekins

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Review #3, by LilySnape4eva Progress

28th January 2011:
Aawww it's so sweet :) awesome idea.

Author's Response: Hi. I'm glad that you liked this. Thankyou for the lovely review.
-Katie-


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Review #4, by ronhermione4evr Progress

12th January 2011:
It's ronhermione4evr from the forums, here with your very-much delayed review.

About the story- it was simple and sweet. I liked it, but only at one moment their characterization seemed a little bit off than what I remember them to be. That part was when James got mad and stormed away from Lily, and I thought that it was a little off because it was him that had always been begging Lily for a date, and I didn't think anything could stop him once he finally got it. But other than that, it was perfect.

-ronhermione4evr

Author's Response: Wow - thankyou for your lovely compliment (and for your honesty with the critisism of course). The whole James situation does seem out of character now that I look at it - perhaps when I get around to editing this I could add a few adjustments to make the whole situation more realistic (perhaps edit the argument so that Lily asks him to leave in a heated moment). Thankyou for pointing that out and for the awesome review. Glad you liked the story. :)
-Katie


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Review #5, by justonemorefic Progress

27th December 2010:
Here to snowball! I've reviewed your other fic before, so I shall see what this one has in store.

I'll give critique first! Over-adjectiving (things like damp, supple surface of my skin' is quite the mouthful). You've got a lot of this dual adjective thing going on, where you describe things with two adjectives ('warm, hazel', 'sweet, cliche'). It distracts rather than adds, because sometimes it makes her voice sound unnatural. A few grammar/spellings mistakes (Owelery -> Owlery, commas in your dialogue!).

I like how ultimately, the focus isn't really on the romance, but on Lily trying to find someone to rely on when she feels so out of place. I've always liked that sort of character -- the perfect girl who really feels lonely. And as much as Lily's managed to succeed, she hasn't been able to be accepted by the people she cares about the most -- Snape, her sister, and her fear of losing James too.

I hope you write more one shots; I can't review any more of your fics! xD

Author's Response: Haha - the dreaded grammar mistakes and over-adjectiving are actually personal weaknesses of mine that I agree I definitely need to work on. I appreciate your honesty and I will definitely look at sorting those serious flaws out when I do finally get around to editing this. I wrote this over a year ago and looking back now; I can definitely cringe at my dramatic, ridiculous use of adjectives lol.
I'm glad that you liked the story in general though - that's the main thing that I care about so that's good.
Thankyou for your lovely review and sorry that it's taken me so long to respond to it.


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Review #6, by long_live_luna_bellatrix Progress

27th December 2010:
Wow, you know, I've never read a story where Lily is perfect and yet so alone. In the books, Harry learns painfully in the Pensieve that his father is not perfect. But his mother is always golden, can do no wrong. Your take on her, that she was driving everyone away from her until she was all alone, that she could not be accepted by either of her heritages, was mind-boggling. It was a fantastic idea, and shed a lot of light on Lily. Because she really did do that; for years she pushed away the one man who loved her unconditionally, she alienated herself from her brother, and quit on her best and closest friend... But I never put it all together before this, so kudos to you!

The only nagging that about this was in the first section of five or six paragraphs, where Lily is crying. The idea of that section is all good and well, but when I read it, I felt like I was being attacked by metaphors and similes. Don't get me wrong, they were all quite good, but when smushed together one after one like that, it was a bit overwhelming and some of the meaning was lost.

Overall, a very enjoyable and enlightening read!

Author's Response: Ha ha - I wrote this over a year ago at a time when I was very into my metaphors and similes - but as time progressed I got fed up of trying to be all poetic and started babbling (and I have yet to edit this) but looking at it now I feel just how you do about the exaggerated description.
Wow; it's so awesome that you were able to extract all of that about Lily's character from this - you really hit the head on the nail describing Lily in this because that's exactly how I wanted her to come across. I'm sick of reading stories about Lily being this stubborn Mary-Sue without a single flaw to mention - people seem to forget that during Lily's time at Hogwarts a very dark wizard who despised Lily's kind was steadily increasing in power and that her sister who she's known and loved since birth hardly talks to her anymore. I just wanted to be more realistic and I'm so glad that that came across in this story.
Thankyou for this wonderful review.
-Katie-


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Review #7, by leaney Progress

21st December 2010:
Leaney from the forums here!

To begin, I absolutely loved this little oneshot! You had me completely hooked from the first line in! You detail and description was perfect. Your characterization of Lily was unique and a complete breath of fresh air. I also applaud you for making James a little different. I liked the variety I saw there. I got to view him a different light and it was refreshing!

Though your description was amazing, at times I felt their was something left to be desired in your dialogue. It was a tad rushed. I think you could've definitely pumped it up so that the fight seemed more intense but at a more appropriate rate. It causes a slight rift in flow. Everything feels smooth until the date scene. After the date scene, the flow immediately goes back to its original smoothness. I don't know how to explain it. Hmmm...It felt like one second they were blissfully happy and the next they were completely broken. Aside from that and a few stray or lacking comma throughout the piece I found nothing wrong with the piece.

On a good note, I simply loved this little section right here, "I was Lily Evans, a muggleborn witch of no fixed identity. Heart beating, body shaking, my breathing shallow, it dawned on me, how everyone I loved was slowly disappearing, and there was nothing I could do to prevent it." I loved little moments like this. I like how I felt everything Lily felt.

Overall, this little oneshot was such a delight to read. You're a very talented writer and the balance you find with your detail, fresh characterization, and all around smooth flow is truly admirable! Just work on polishing up your dialogue and keep up the great work!

-leaney

Author's Response: Hi Leaney

Wow, this review really put a smile on my face, I'm so happy that you liked my writing, it's great to hear. I understand what you mean about the dialogue, I'll definitely look at fixing that up, thankyou for the suggestion of improvement and the lovely review.
Katie.


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Review #8, by brennuhh Progress

20th December 2010:
truly fantastic, you have a gift for writing.
i adore how you described everything, it all felt so real and vivid.

wow, i'm impressed.

Author's Response: Hi there brennuh

I'm chuffed that you enjoyed this so much, it really put a smile on my face to read your review. I'm especially delightd by the fact that you enjoyed my description, I really put a lot of effort into that element of my writing so it's great to get feedback from time to time.
Thankyou for this lovely review
Katie


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Review #9, by Olwyn Progress

13th December 2010:
Hi there! Olwyn-your-requested-reviewer here to save the day! Well, not really, since it's a pretty darn fabulous story.
OK! SO! I really like the way you characterized Lily, with some of her doubt. However, I don't think that James would have snapped that quickly. He really loves Lily. Maybe add a couple of lines of dialogue in between the almost-kiss and the whole angry James scene. But that's all really. I like most of what you have going on.
BTW work on your comma usage, and quotations.
REALY REALLY GOOD.
10/10

Author's Response: Hi Olwyn

Wow, I'm so glad that you like it. Ah, you're not the first to point out the dilemma with James and Lily's dialogue, so I'll definitely look at changing that when I do get around to editing this story.
I'm so happy that you liked Lily's characterization. I personally struggled with it a lot whilst writing this story, so itr's so reassuring to hear that a reader likes it.
Thankyou for your time and effort that has gone into writing this amazing review.
Katie


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Review #10, by kaileena_sands Progress

13th December 2010:
Hey, here is HarleyQuinn from the forums. :)

First, let me point out that the story is well-written. Maybe there are some minor mistakes that I didn't notice but! I didn't notice anything :D (p.s. - at one point you have Owelery instead of Owlery)

I like your characterisation, especially of Lily. The point of the story where she feels that she is not a muggle anymore, but is not a fully accepted witch either was very poignant. You expressed her feelings about the situation beautifully.

I also like James, even though he is a bit different than the James that I write (but that's the point - it's good to be diverse, otherwise we would be boring!) Apart from that, I don't have anything else to point out - your style and wordage of the story are very good and I really don't know what to tell you to edit since I like it this way.

All in all, a very nice fic to read. ;)

Best,
Kail

Author's Response: Hi there

I'm glad you like how the story was written, and that you like Lily's character also. I really struggled with both whilst writing this chapter, so it's reasuring to hear that so many readers liked both elements of this story.
Ah, the misspelling of Owelery has been pointed out previously, I will definitely look at editing that whenever I can get around to it.
Thankyou for your lovely review.
Katie


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Review #11, by dream_schmean Progress

12th December 2010:
Hey, it's dreamschemes from the forums (:

I really, really enjoyed this, and I'm pretty sure I've already read it, seeing as I've favorited it. (: But that's okay, it's time for me to leave a review.

So... everything. I could find nothing bad to comment on, except for the missed comma in the beginning when James whispered to Lily and the last thing Lily said to him. But seeing as that's not very vital to the plot, it doesn't matter. (:

This was very realistic and believable, but the sad thing is, I could imagine things like that would happen all the time back then. ): But nevertheless, I loved it.

It was adorable and sweet, and at the end it had me grinning like a fool.

Thanks for the request!
dreamschmean

Author's Response: Hi there

Yay, you already favourited it, I'm glad that you liked this, it's good to know.
I'm ever so glad that you enjoyed this, and I'll take a look at that comma whenever I can next get around to it. Cheers for pointing that out.
Thankyou for taking the time and effort to leave this lovely review.

Katie


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Review #12, by Divine_Till_Night Progress

5th December 2010:
It was kind of sad, and for a moment I was afraid she would get raped! But I love it

Author's Response: Hi there, I'm glad that you liked it! Thanks for the review.

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Review #13, by painfullygone Progress

24th November 2010:
awww. This is really adorable, and I love the atmosphere that came with it. The way you presented the human flaw within lily was well done, and sorry that it took me months to get my butt down here! Great job =]

Author's Response: Hi there
Why thankyou for the lovely review, I'm glad that you liked my characterization of Lily, that makes me feel great.
Katie


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Review #14, by JilyRonks Progress

23rd November 2010:
Such a lovely story .

JilyRonks :) x

Author's Response: Thankyou, I'm glad that you liked it =D

Jane_Volturi


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Review #15, by Charismatic Progress

17th November 2010:
This is a very good story, the description was without a doubt flawless. I don't understand why the title is 'Euphoria' though, I just don't really see it fitting in with the mood of the story. It was good though.

Author's Response: Well thankyou. I'm very glad that you liked my use of description. Euphoria is another word for happiness, it's supposed to represent how Lily feels about James towards the end of the novel. I'm sorry it didn't quite come off the way I wanted it to. It's nice of you to enquire though. I'll see if I can go back and twek a few things to see if I can make that point any clearer.
Thankyou for taking the time to read and review, it's much appreciated.
Katie
x


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Review #16, by LilyFire Progress

28th August 2010:
That was really good, I can see why it placed first. I like the way you have them interact, and how you show Lily’s feelings of being alone. I think her reason for not kissing him was completely valid (but that may just be me). It just leaves me happy at the end. Great Job(:
~LilyFire

Author's Response: Oh wow, I'm so glad you liked this. To be honest I had my doubts about Lily's reaction to James seducing her, after reading quite a small number of negative reviews, but your review really put a smile on my face. Thankyou for taking the time to read and review, it's very much appreciated.

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Review #17, by Jazzeh Turnip Progress

22nd August 2010:
That is a gorgeous chapter image and banner. I love it.

The first paragraph is such a hooker (not like that). It's beautifully written and almost like poetry.

Typo in the third paragraph: "Owelery"

I think you nailed both James' and Lily's characters. I don't really think James would react the way he did to Lily refusing to kiss him just yet, but I see why you did it for the sake of the story and considering this was for the "Firsts Challenge". It is very well written despite that though, and you have some beautiful lines in there.

8/10
Lorren

Author's Response: Hi Lorren

The artists at TDA are great aren't they! I had to badger the same artist to make the chapter image for me as well when I saw just how stunning the banner was that she made for me.

Aw, thankyou for the lovely birthday review, it was nice to wae up to. You're not the first one to point that out about James' character, so I'll definitley be looking at editing that whenever I can get around to it. Also, thankyou for pointing out the typo, grr, I hate those things lol.

Thanks again for the amazing review.

Katie x


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Review #18, by schoenemaedchen Progress

7th August 2010:
Hi there! Schoenemaedchen here for your review from the boards.

So, I always get excited about Lily and James fics, I'm a huge fan and author of them myself. I understand the complexity and battle of the cliches and...well...just about everything that goes into them.

So first in terms of grammar/punctuation stuff...there are a few small errors throughout. A comma missing here, a world misspelled there. Many of the errors I noticed have already been found in previous reviews, so I won't mention them, but a quick edit would take care of them quickly. Or a Beta to also do a quick run, through. Overall, they are small errors and you have nothing that ruins the overall perception or flow of your story.

Characterizations: Seeing as Lily is the main character, I think her characterization is the most important and I think you did a wonderful job with her. I really, really enjoyed how you added her personal conflicts with her Muggle side. She probably was mobbed in school, which is something I don't think a lot of people really pay attention to when writing about Lily. James characterization for me was okay, but perhaps a little underdeveloped. I was a little surprised when he reacted so strongly and quickly when she wouldn't kiss him. It seemed a little hot headed of him, and though I think he might get that way if given time to kind of build up the anger, but his reaction occurred within only a few lines of dialogue.

General Plot/Flow:
The plot was okay. I have to be honest, I feel I have read many similar plots out there. That being said, however, the unique parts where were you added your own voice. Descriptions, imagery, and the directions where you expanded on Lily's character. These are what make your story unique and what I enjoyed the most in your writing.

The flow for me was a bit so-so. I think it begins great, but as I mentioned before, I think the dialogue between Lily and James could be developed a bit. It seemed for me a bit choppy and rushed. There are also parts in her thoughts after being attacked by Mulciber that confused me a bit.for example, the bit where she starts talking about Petunia. I can kind of see the connection that you're trying to make, though I'm not sure how it contributes to the overall flow of the story. My suggestion would be to make sure that her train of thought can be followed easily and logically--these are all great thoughts you've put down, really! Just connect them a bit more.

Overall, a great job at the challenge. I enjoyed the read! Thanks for requesting the review :)
-schoenemaedchen

Author's Response: Hi

Thanks for the review.
Hmm, you've pointed out some things that I haven't considered before, so I'm really happy that you pointed that stuff out. Hopefully I'll be able to edit soon. Thanks again, I'll take what you've said into consideration.
-Katie


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Review #19, by DarkLadyofSlytherin Progress

5th August 2010:
Hey,
It's DarkLadyofSlytherin here with your review.

First let me tell you that when you first requested this I was both excited and concerned. You requested a fic that was humour in your post and I wasn't entirely sure I'd like it. Then I started reading it and was equally confused when there wasn't an ounce of humour in it. I had to go back and check what genres you put this in.

Now let me tell you, I rather like this one-shot. But there were things that had me confused.

For instance, I wasn't sure what year this took place in. When Lily says she hasn't talk to Severus in years, I naturally assumed they weren't in school. But then James walks off back to the Castle, so I assumed seventh year. However, if it's their first date and thus first kiss, isn't saying 'I love you' premature for Lily? James I can understand saying it, he's been in love with her forever.

My favourite part of this however, was when Lily ran into Mulciber. I do love me some Slytherins :D Anyway, I believe this part of your one-shot to be very realistic. If a Slytherin were to get drunk as Mulciber had, I could easily see them attacking a muggle-born and shouting obscenity at them.

I did find one typo almost immediately, and I'm not sure if it's been pointed out to you or not. There I stood in the Owelery I know you spelled it right the second time it was mentioned, and it's easily fixed.

Anyway, I simply love that James comes to meet her in the Owlry and they make up. It's cute and sweet and I can totally see James realizing he's being completely childish in regards to her first kiss. Boys don't often think about stuff like that.

Lovely one-shot dear.
~Len

Author's Response: Hi Len.

Ah, did I put humour? Sorry about that, I musn't have been paying attention when I filled the form out. But I appreciate you letting me know, I'll be sure not to make that mistake again.

When I used the word 'years' I intended for it to be a hyperbole, to show how much her bad relationship with Severus affected her. However, I can see why you'd get confused there, so I'll look at changing that when I finally come around to editing this. Thankyou for pointing that out.

You're not the first to point out how out-of-character Lily was to tell James that ahe loved him. I wasn't quite sure about that myself whilst writing it, but I partly blame that on the insomnia I was suffering from at the time lol. I will look at changing that also, thankyou for pointing that out.

Grr, I hate it when I make typos, thankyou for pointing that one out, I'll make sure to change it.

I'm glad you found James sweet, that's exactly what I was aiming for.

I'm also happy that you liked the Mulciber scene. I figured that seeing as this was set during the first war with Voldemort, there would be a lot of prejudice going around, so Lily would be quite worried or unsure of her identity. Mulciber was just freshening the wound to be honest with you, so I'm glad you liked his includence.

Thankyou for your detailed review, it was very very helpful and I'll make sure to take into consideration everything that you've said when I come around to editing this. I really appreciate your time and effort.

Katie (Jane_Volturi)


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Review #20, by Myriad Progress

6th June 2010:
I love your banner. It's very vibrant :D

Lily has such a strong voice in this. You've done a good job with that. The story is well paced, and the flow is good except for a few spots where the wording gets funny.

I love darkness' cape. That's a great description with a very clear image. Good job there.

The chapter read funny here: ‘…its ghostly reflection visible upon the distant lake’s glassy surface. That had been where we had had our first official date just three hours ago.’ and I thought you got a bit technical here: ‘After much deliberation, thirty minutes to be precise, I..’ I don't think the 'thirty minutes to be precise' part fits. The sentence would flow much better without it.

You'll want to watch your tenses during the flashback. It starts off present and then goes past and switches back and forth a few times before the flashback ends. However your transition to the flashback was perfect. Thank you very much for not announcing it!

There were a few places during the dialouge where you missed punctuation, and there's one part when they are on their date and James says it's their first date, and then later asks Lily if she loves him, if it's their first date, how can she be in love with him already? I think a little more set up is needed there.

I love the way you described Lily's hesitation and how unsure of herself she is. That really helps bring the character to life, make her more believable, and more realistic.

I think you could have gone a bit further with the part where she meets Mulciber. The whole meeting came a little bit out of nowhere, and it ended to abrubtly. I just think there's more you can do with that.

Your ending was very cute. Especially James. Good job!

Author's Response: Hi there

Wow, there's a lot here that I need to consider. tahnkyou so much for providing me withsuch a detailed review, it's nice to get such good feedback. Will take everything that you have said into consideration when I finally come around to editing this.

Katie x


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Review #21, by Ronsgirl29 Progress

6th June 2010:
Hey, Ronsgirl29 here from the forums!

Let me start off with saying I really enjoyed you story. I'm a major James/Lily shipper and I thought this was a very cute story about their first kiss. But then at the same time it was a journey of Lily coming to terms with her indenity (or lack thereof)

-now on to your area's of concern you mentioned

Storyline in general: I think you had a good story line. The plot was good, and while its hard not to get cliche when dealing with James and Lily, I think you did a good job avoiding that.

Writing style: I love your writing style. Your dialogue flows really well; your writing just flows in general. I like that some parts of it are almost poetic. Especially the first part with the description of her in the Owlery. It was so pretty and it painted a vivid picture in my mind.

Characterization: I think you did awesome with Lily. Every fic with her always includes her being upset with being called a mudblood and all that, but you really go into depth about how she feels that she has no where to belong. I loved how you said she would never be a muggle but she could never be a pureblood witch. I never really thought about it that way. It makes Lily's character have more dimension.

James, I also liked. The part where he was saying that he was tired of lily messing with him was great. In so many fics lily turns James down and he just keeps persisting annoyingly and then eventually she says yes and its golden from there. They ignore the hurt that comes with being rejected by a girl you really like. But you show that, so yay for you :D The only thing that put me off was that he flipped out because she didn't know if she loved him. Normally that wouldnt bother me, but wasn't it only their first date? I-love-you's are usually reserved in meanful relationships till much later, so I didn't get why they were saying that. But it did make the story more romantic so I could see why you might do it.

Overall wonderful job! 10/10 forsure.

Author's Response: Hi there
Wow, thankyou so much for this review, it was such a lovely thing to wake up to. I'm literally speechless...10/10, wow!
Thankyou so much for being so detailed in your opinions, and as for the whole 'I-love-you' situation nar the end of the story, I'll definitley look at changing that.
I'm really glad that you liked it, thankyou so much for taking the tim to read and review this, you have no idea how much I appreciate it.
Katie(JaneTwilight)


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Review #22, by Capella Black Progress

5th June 2010:
So, I have very mixed feelings about this piece. I love Lily - her characterisation is deep and complex and utterly believable - and reading her was very enjoyable, though difficult at times for all the right reasons.

I also love the descriptive prose and the way you describe action. The scene with Mulciber really worked for me - it was somewhat jagged and abrupt, but that fits perfectly with the violence of the situation - adding to it, building it.

The one bit I just didn't get was the date fight. James giving her an emerald pendant on their first date was somewhat extreme. Them being "in love" on their first date was pretty extreme. Him then stalking off because she wasn't sure about kissing him... well it just didn't seem to fit with the passion and maturity of the emotions being expressed. It could do, with a little extra dialogue to explain why it mattered so much to both of them, and what he thought her reluctance really meant, but as it was it just seemed a bit OOC.

However, your general writing style was utterly lovely, and as the rest of the story seemed to fit, I'd still give this two thumbs up.

Please request for any new stories that are lacking reviews.

Author's Response: Hi.
Wow, thankyou for this long, detailed review. It was really helpful.
I definitley get what you mean about the 'I love you...' and the whole argument situation being abrupt. I'll have a long think about how to improve that when it comes to editing this.
Also, in answer to the last line of your review, I apologise for requesting when this story has already recieved 30 reviews. I hope you know I wouldn't request just for the sake of t. At the moment I'm looking at editing this story and I'm in great need of honest opinions and CC so that I won't have to go through the process of editing it a second time, I can get it right on the first edit this way.
Thankyou for this review, again, this was really helpful to me.
Katie (JaneTwilight)


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Review #23, by PapayaPrincess Progress

4th June 2010:
This was a beautiful short story, I really had fun reding it.

Author's Response: Aw, I'm glad that you liked it. Thankyou for the kind review.

Katie x


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Review #24, by chillychick95 Progress

4th June 2010:
Sweet, short and simple. I liked it. :)

Author's Response: Hi, I'm glad that you liked this story, thanks for the review :D
Katie (JaneTwilight)


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Review #25, by st122 Progress

3rd June 2010:
Hi,

Very nicely written, but so sad. I like the atmosphere that you created in the story and I could feel my own heart breaking as I moved through the story.

Author's Response: Aw, I'm ao happy that this story could get so in touch with your emotional side, that'a what I was aiming for constantly throughout the process of writing this.
I'm so happy that you liked this, thankyou so much again.
Katie (Jane_Volturi)


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