This was a great Snape/Lily oneshot! I always love the ones like this where they aren't together but Snape was hopeful for more. My favorite part is when you said that he managed to say all the wrong things to her only because he was the wrong person to say them. That was just amazing because here I'm imagining him thinking about her and James and James being the right person to say all of the things that he had been saying to her. It really made me see how devoted he was to her and how much he wanted her but yet she never really noticed him in that way at all. Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
Your summary is fabolous. One of the best I have ever seen. I absolutely hate hate hate Lily/Snape stories but for this one I’ll make an exception. This was just way too beautiful. You can call youself a true writer if you make someone like something they hate. It was so poetic and I loved the fact she saw herself as just an ordinary girl and that to him she was ‘To him, she was all the beauty in the world rolled into one.’ Wouldn’t we all want a guy to think about us like that. This story actually made me understand why Snape did so much for Lily. You know protecting her son while he still hated James Potter. I will definetely put this in my favourite story list because it’s just amazing.Author's Response: Oh my, your comments are too kind!! It's nice to learn I was able to get someone anti-Lily/Snape to jump ship--if only for a bit ;) And I'm so glad you picked up on the difference between how she viewed herself compared to how Snape saw her. Thank you for taking the time to leave such lovely review! Report Review
Short, simple, and beautiful.
I love it. (: Favorited.Author's Response: Thank you for your kind review! :) Report Review
Here with my review, finally!!! :)
Awe, it's a tiny chapter, but I think you captured their two characters brilliantly. I like your portrayal of Sev at being all dark and mysterious and Lily on the other hand is all bright and sunny, Lol. Total opposites.
I do like how you made Lily out to be everything to Severus and him seeing more in her, but Lily completely missed it, that must of been a hard blow to receive.
I noticed that you missed out a few words, like when you said about her not being able to see him, you wrote “trapped in his of stone and flitting”- it would be easier to follow if you had 'world' behind 'his' here.
Another thing I spotted, was at the very start it said “one among a million”- a million whats? You might think of putting 'others' at the end.
The second sentence there should be a full stop where the first comma is.
But seriously you did a lovely job in capturing their personalities and their hurt and loss when they couldn't be with one another any longer. It was poetic and brilliant at the fact that you didn't use their names but focused on details that the reader should already know about.
amazing job!Author's Response: Hey there! Sorry this response is so late, it was last week of the quarter (busy, busy) and then straight afterwards I traveled with my robotics team to the World Championships in Atlanta. Just got back!
Haha, interesting how you described their portrayals that way, since that is exactly how I thought of them as I was writing. I'm also glad you caught on that this was a Lily as seen through the eyes of Severus.
You are right! I left out 'world' since I felt it would be redundant with the sentence preceding that one talking about her world, but I'll see what I can do about it because I definitely don't want the writing to be confusing! With "one among a million" though, I was doing a play on the popular phrase "one in a million." Thanks for pointing out places I can improve upon!
Aww, I'm glad you picked up on all of that. Again, sorry this response is so late. Thank you very much for the thoughtful review! Report Review
Hello! I'm here with your review from the forums!
STANDING OVATION. THAT WAS BRILLIANT.
Honestly, it's for stories like this that I keep open my review thread. I'm so sad that I've put this story off for so long! The minute I was linked to this story and saw the page, I knew it'd be amazing. Just by the banner and your perfect summary...YAY!
This was definitely one of the best Snape/Lily's I've ever read. It was so beautiful and poetic and completely evoked every single emotion to the reader. I've read stories where authors overdo the emotion a little too much, and it makes my brain hurt to have to read it. But this! This was like sitting outside on the bench in the rain without an umbrella, and just letting yourself get soaked and just kind of wallow. I didn't have to really think when I read this; it was more of a reading and automatically feeling.
I specifically love the way you used the pronouns. The vagueness just added to the personal feel of the story, because why would you need to name names, when it's obvious who we're talking about. It really felt like the reader was in Snape's mind and experiencing these emotions.
AGH! So great! I'm definitely going to favorite this and recommend it to people! :DAuthor's Response: I really don't know how to respond to this review! It just totally made my day. :'D
I'm incredibly flattered that you think so highly of this piece. I've actually been debating whether or not to open my own one-shots and short story collections review thread for that very reason; I love it when I stumble across hidden gems and it makes me so happy to hear that this is what my story was for you! Hehe, though I'll have to credit the banner to Musicbox @ TDA. It's absolutely gorgeous, isn't it?
It's definitely a relief to hear that you didn't think the emotions were overdone. I was certainly worried about that, which is why I tried to not have the story dwell on describing actual emotions as much as just stating 'facts' and leaving the emotions to the reader to feel. It's gratifying to hear that it read accordingly.
As for not mentioning any names, that's definitely why I chose to tell the story the way I did. I'm glad you liked that approach!
You are far too kind. Thank you very much for the day-brightening review, for the favorite, and EEK! for recommending it to others! Report Review
Here is my review!
WOW. I really have nothing to say about this but WOW (that is a complete lie, of course i will continue!). I think your writing is poignant, clever, flowing, creative and sophisticated. I love so many things about this chapter. I love that you didn't use their names. Instead, you focus on the intense details between them, what becomes of their relationship. This method adds so much to your story. I think this is fabulous. Please continue. I can see you going far :)
p.s. thank you for requesting reviews! If you get the chance, please re-request, and check out my own stories here on HPFF! Thanks again!!!Author's Response: AW, I'm blushing! You said such wonderful things about my writing; I'm positively afloat on a little cloud of happiness at the moment. :)
I'm flattered that you liked how the story was told. I definitely chose to leave out their names on purpose, so it is nice to hear that it had the desired effect!
Unfortunately, this was only meant as a one-shot, but I do plan on publishing some more short pieces (maybe even a novel - LJ - if school doesn't do its thing and get in the way) and the encouragement means a lot!
Thank you so much for the review. I will definitely do both when I get the chance! Report Review
Ah what a beautifully written story.
Such a sad heartbreak for Snape.
You had lovely characters and they were well formed in the story. Everything fit nicely together and flowed very smoothly. I loved every word and it was a short and sweet yet heart breaking story. Great job, really. And good luck in the challenge! :DAuthor's Response: Wow, you basically commented on every aspect of the story that I was concerned about (positively, too!) I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Thank you very much for taking the time to share your thoughts on this piece. Report Review
Hello, xkaittloveex from the forums here to review your story!
May I first start off by saying that I love Lily/Snape? Ah, so lovely.
Anyway, let's get to the review. I feel as though you did a great job of characterizing both Snape and Lily. From Snape the reader gets the "hopelessly in love" feeling - the guy who would do anything for the girl...if she would only give him the one chance he longed for. From Lily the reader gets the "afraid to fall in love, just doesn't understand" feeling - the girl who just cannot realize how much someone really loves her. I feel it fit perfectly with the story and the characters JK Rowling gave to us. Although I do feel that Snape's characterization was slightly better than Lily's, they were both nicely done.
When it comes to the writing style, I'm mixed. You used such beautiful words. There is no doubt about it. The way you described things was just perfect. It added a lot to the story. However, some of your parts were all one sentence. This threw me off and I didn't really like it, to be honest. It was hard for me to remember what was said at the beginning of the sentence and how it connected to the end of the sentence. If that makes any sense at all. I just feel if you shortened the long, long sentences into a couple shorter ones, it may be easier to read and the flow would work better.
I felt very sad for Snape...so nice job there. Everyone, I'm sure, has felt this kind of heartbreak so it was smart to try and evoke that specific emotion. It's probably the best emotion to try and get a response to. Something everyone has seen and can relate to, which make the reader able to feel for Snape.
Overall, I'm going to give this a 7/10. It was a heartbreaking one-shot (short, how I like it!) and I enjoyed it. Keep up the lovely work!
- KaitlinAuthor's Response: Oh, I love Lily/Snape! Only when it is unrequited, though. I like me my canon. :)
...which is why it makes me happy to hear that you think the story and characterizing worked well for who they were as characters! Yes, it would make sense that Snape's characterization was better than Lily's, since while the story is told from the third person, it has a bias towards Snape and how he sees the world -- and certainly, his own skewed view of Lily, too.
I'm glad you think the word choice and description worked. It's a little sad to hear that you did not enjoy the long sentences much, as the run-ons were intentional and used stylistically. But I can see how they may make reading the story a little confusing. I'll have to read through this story again eventually and try to spot and fix the confusing parts.
The reasons you mention for why readers would feel for Snape is very interesting. I definitely felt for his tragedy and wanted readers to also. Angst. Gotta love it.
Thank you for suggestion and the review! Report Review
You have a way with narration here. Snape's words were elegant and true, and put a new perspective on a story we know well. Overall, it was an enjoyable take on the story of Lily and Snape. Good job. You fit it in 500 words nicely.Author's Response: I was a little nervous about this story because it's kind of different -- nothing ever really happens! So, it's nice to hear that you liked the narration and found it added something new to an often told story. I'm glad you enjoyed this piece, and thank you for taking the time to leave review. It is much appreciated! Report Review
This was beautiful!
I loved the flow and how poetic words. The words seemed to flow effortlessly into one another. Every once in a while I would run across a word that seemed a bit jarring in comparison to the rest, but not so much that it bothered me.
I also love the characterization of both Lily and Severus. Especially the former, for I think she must have been oblivious to not know that he had loved her. I like this because this seems very realistic, he's in love with her and she's oblivious to how much he truly cares for her.
It seems to make more sense than her once loving him and running for comfort in James, she never struck me as a coward.
Many people revisit Lily and Severus since the Prince's Tale, but I have to say this is one of my favorite renditions. Despite the fact that it's so short (though, I know the challenge willed it thus), it still managed to convey a lot of emotion. I liked that.
I really enjoyed this piece!
Nice work!Author's Response: Phew, I am so glad the flow was alright -- by the time of this story's posting, I must have read it through over 9,000 times, sometimes making major edits and other times just tweaking a single word -- after editing through it that many times, the story seemed to become an entity all its own and my perspective on it was all out of whack! So it's a little sad to hear there were still a couple jarring words that managed to stay in there, but at least you did not find it too detracting. And thank you for the comment on the poetic words, it certainly was what I was going for! (Which, in all honesty, is a total crapshoot because I cannot write decent poetry to save my life!)
It's a relief to hear that you liked my characterization; I think that is what I'm always most concerned with. Rereading the Prince's Tale, I got the feeling that Lily was (and always would be) oblivious to how he felt for her, so it's nice to hear that you think it's a realistic interpretation!
There are so many heartbreaking renditions of Lily & Severus out there. It means a lot that this one is one of your favorites and that it was able to convey the emotions I was hoping it would.
Thank you so much for the review, and all of the lovely comments you made! Report Review
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