I totally see about that paradox-type-thing at the beginning! And I know that that’s really not the thing to be getting excited about in this chapter, but I just never thought about that before. Indescribable is an adjective, and so it is describing! That makes it an oxymoron, right? Erm… don’t answer that. I’m probably wrong :P
One thing I didn’t understand in this chapter was why Alice said she didn’t want to be ‘gotten’? I thought she fancied him? I’m confused! Oh, wait…was she just saying that because she couldn’t exactly tell him she liked him?
But anyway, YAY! A+A MIGHT BE HAPPENING. EE. SO HAPPY. I can’t wait to find out a bit more about Albus, actually, because we don’t know all that much about him yet apart from the fact that he’s a bookworm.
I noticed that the dialogue was really natural and flowing in this chapter- and it has been in the previous chapters as well, but there was just less of it. Albus and Alice have loads of sexual tension between them, haha. :D I’m all excited about their relationship now, and just hope that James doesn’t do something silly and mess it up for them.
Wow, this has been so much fun to read. I’m really sad that you’ve abandoned it and still can’t believe that I only realised it after I’d written all your reviews (so if any of them don't quite make sense that could be why. there i go making excuses :P)!! I think it was a great story though. :D
-Annon ♥ Report Review
NO! WE WERE GOING TO FIND OUT THE TRUTH! AND THEN…NOO! YOU SMELL :P I still think James fancies her! Or in some weird way, feels threatened by her? Uncomfortable around her, and so needs to reaffirm his…manliness? Okay, that’s a weird theory. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see! ;D
As always, lovely writing. I enjoy reading every word so much!
Poor Alice. When Myrtle is your only friend, you know things are bad. I want to find out more about Albus! I’m definitely intrigued by him. Alice is standing up for herself a bit more though! She held her ground when she was with Grayson (who I now don’t like at all) and Potter (who I have mixed feelings about now but even if he does fancy her he had no right to torture her so much), and ever yelled down the corridor at them when they scarpered! She’s becoming much more confident, and I can see her growing as a character. It’s really awesome. Ok, awesome’s probably the wrong word, but it’s… cool.
Next chapter, here I come!
-Annon ♥ Report Review
Eee, an interesting chapter! I liked the sort of ‘interview’ Alice had with herself at the beginning. It cleared up a few of the questions I had about various things. And then again, the root beer thing! I have a feeling that you’ll be including just about every type of soda there is before this story’s finished!
Hmm…I wonder what James’s real reasons are behind all his teasing of Alice? I mean, there must be some, because if the conversation between him and his friend is true, then James isn’t usually so horrible. Perhaps…maybe he secretly fancies her? OMG that would be an incredible twist. I’ll be so chuffed if I’ve guessed that correctly, haha!
Anyway, ‘Is Potter a monster or is he truly a nice guy?’ I want to know as much as anybody! I can’t wait to find out what’s going to happen next… :D
-Annon ♥ Report Review
Gah, I am just feeling more and more sorry for Alice! Her sister Raina won’t even speak to her because she thinks she’s too much of a loser? Ouch. That’s gotta hurt. It was an imaginative twist to put in there though!
Crikey, I hate James! He’s god-awful. And a prat. And a bully. And…yeah. I hoped he gets what’s coming to him in the end!
I’m loving all the subtle soda references and analogies that you include throughout this. It adds a really unique flavour and creative twist that’s also really relatable. Plus, it’s a really good analogy, the ‘like a soda can’ one. I often see really awful analogies that make no sense whatsoever, but it’s not the case here.
Wow, what’s Albus so desperate to see her again for? I keep imagining all the possible scenarios that might take place, in which Alice actually tells him her real name. :P
You have a really…sort of…precise writing style, if that makes sense. It’s quite delicate but powerful and the emotion is all there. Really nice! I’m enjoying reading this a lot.
On to the next chapter!!
-Annon ♥ Report Review
Haha, the idea of a can of Sprite featuring in the Muggle Studies class really made me laugh! Such an everyday object for muggles, and the class is being taught about it. I like the initial way you described it- ‘a cylindrical, shiny object’. And ohmygosh, I wanted to give Alice this ginormous hug when she was given the can as a real, heart-warming gift! Professor Mink seems nice. I’m glad James Potter got what he deserved in that memory (which was a great way to start the chapter, by the way).
I think the memory (being in past tense) made me realise what a flawless present tense you’re writing the story in! It’s really wonderful. Keeping up a present tense is extremely hard to do (for me, anyway! I always slip into past), and it adds such a sense of ‘here and now’ to things. Lovely writing. :D
I like the fact that Alice is friendly with the house elves, and oh! We meet Albus! Or should I say Mr. Alby Potter? I got this weird feeling of satisfaction when Alice called him that, as if she was defying her loser-self. I thought she’d be the sort of person to go all red and babbly around the love of her life, but apparently not :P.
One thing I noticed- if Albus heard Ellie calling her ‘Miss Alice’ then why does he ask her for her name? I love the awesome way she calls herself Sprite though, so I think you should keep that in there. Maybe Ellie could just call her ‘Miss Allie’ or ‘Miss Nicholson’? I don’t know
Another great chapter!
-Annon ♥ Report Review
Hi Jordan! ♥ I’m here all the way from QTR-land with some very deserved reviews ;). I’ve been really excited to read your stories, and have been having so much fun stockpiling reviews for you! Now I have to admit, I only realised that you’d abandoned this after reading and reviewing the whole thing! And I was very sad. D: But I’ve decided to post all my reviews anyway.
So this was a brilliant first chapter! I’m really intrigued by this story, and by Alice, poor lonely soul that she seems to be. It’s so sad that she’s crushing on Albus, and his older brother is her tormentor. Gosh. That must be hard; my heart goes out to her for that- but I can see loads of directions this can go in which is exciting!
I love Alice! I feel sorry for her, but at the same time admire her spirit which I can sense a-lurkin’ just underneath the surface. She seems sweet and good-natured, if a tiny bit bitter about her current social situation. But hopefully that will improve!? ;)
It was extremely well written, but with a nice, subtle touch of humour that made it all the more enjoyable. I don’t like stories with all the forced sarcasm and jokes everywhere, and this was just perfect! I particularly like the line ‘I mean no offense to the great witch who battled Bellatrix Lestrange. And lost’. And at frist I was thinking- ‘wow that’s harsh’ but then I was like ‘actually, it’s true! And funny…’ So. Yeah.
Oh, and all the ‘A+A’ angst was fabulous! (especially the “AA” battery idea). Had me in stitches ;D.
I certainly do hope that 5th year will be the answer to Alice’s something-with-a-purpose-makeover calling. Can’t wait to find out!
-Annon ♥ Report Review
Aw, the cuteness that is Albus/Alice is so sweet. I love them together. Really. I do hope you continue writing this story, it's so cute and fun, and you've characterised Alice so well. She's a nerdy outcast, but completely relate-able to all readers. The only critique I have for you though is quotations within quotations; you would use the single quotations within a speaking quotation. Like this "Don't tell me you're going to tell me 'It's not you, it's me?' lines." Like that. Double quotations on the outside and single on the inside within. It just looks more proper and neat, as well as being more grammatically accurate. Other than that, though, great job. I really am enjoying this story and hope your inspiration for it returns. (: 10/10Author's Response: Thanks for the tips on the quotations - I've always had trouble figuring out what to do with those! Aww, I love all you shippers! Glad to know that you like Alice's character. I've actually been considering redefining her a little bit.
Unfortunately, I will probably not resume writing this story anytime soon. I've sort of lost my inspiration for it and am focusing on my other story right now (Clinging to the Edge), but reading reviews like yours always keeps my strings attached to this story, or else I would probably delete it off the archive altogether. Thank you so much for reviewing this story and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply to you on them! Report Review
James is so undeniably stubborn, and just ugh. Simply put, he's horrible to Alice and needs to do some growing up. But I liked this chapter and the parts you included in it as she worked at the root of all her problems and found her true Dr. Pepper. This story really is quite addicting, like soda (my poor attempt at a pun... just go with it :P), and I'm loving it the more I read. Honest. Keep it up and I'm off to the next chapter now. :)Author's Response: haha yes, James tends to be annoyingly stubborn that way. It's a bit of a problem with his pride.
I appreciate your attempt at the pun - glad to see how my story is influencing my readers ;) Thanks for the review! It's always nice to hear feedback from everyone :) Report Review
Whoa, James is actually a nice guy... shocker! I'm kind of disappointed we didn't get his response... almost sounded like he was going to confess to liking her... hmm, no? Anyway, off to read the next chapter. (:Author's Response: ;) Only time will tell. I didn't want to reveal his response yet because I want some buildup to occur, but yes, James is actually not that bad of a guy..he just has some faults, just like everyone else, and those faults push him to do some mean things.
Thank you for your feedback! :) Report Review
I really am enjoying this, it's such a fun, cute, and quick read. You write Alice so well, she's very well rounded for a character. And that's terrible that her younger sister would just brush her off to the side like that. What a little brat. But, aw, Albus is so sweet, unlike his prat of a brother. I'm wondering though, is Alice in James's year because that's what I got from the last chapter because they were in the same class, but I'm still uncertain. Anyway, great chapter.Author's Response: Ahh, I'm glad you think Alice is well rounded! :) I share your sentiments about all of the characters xD And Alice isn't in James's year, she's a year younger :) She's in the same year as Albus. Alice and James just taking the same elective, Muggle Studies, so I think it's alright if people from different years are in the same class.
Thanks so much for this lovely review! Report Review
Aw, poor Alice. I really feel bad for her. She has it hard, what with being constantly picked on and in fear of any nice deed turning against her with a moment's notice. And poor, clueless Albus. I already like this pair. Great chapter, it was really sweet.Author's Response: Hi Leslie! heh, thanks so much. I love Alice/Albus too (of course xD). I hope you like the rest of the story just as much as you liked this chapter! Report Review
I really like the narrative voice and prose you've chosen to write this in. It's refreshing to find something with a different spin than the overused plot one often finds in HP fanfiction. So kudos, there. Also, I like how you've compared her to a soda can near toward the end after working up to it so effectively, you really showed how isolated Alice feels from the other characters surrounding her. Over all, great flow and plot and characterisation so far. Looking forward to reading more later today. 10/10Author's Response: Ahh Leslie it's so nice to see you drop by! Thank you so much for your compliments on originality and such. :') I hope you find the rest of the story to your liking! Report Review
So Albus finally found his lady, and has fallen for her. Another great chapter and 10/10. Plz update soon.
Ps, I like the sound of this Alice character you've created and would like your permission to use her in my story Albus The Wonder Years with credit mentioning yourself.Author's Response: Well, we don't know for sure if he's fallen her quite yet ;) Thank you for reviewing all the chapters so far - you're perfectly lovely! As for using Alice in your story, I'm going to have to decline your offer. I am a selfish person and I'd love to keep her all to myself :P I wish you luck with your story, though - I'm sure a character of your own creation is much better than one of my own!
Again, thank you so much for reviewing this entire story. It means a lot to me ♥ Report Review
Poor Alice, she always seeems to get the short end of the stick where James is concerned. I wonder what the story is where he's concerned? Is he harbouring a secret love for her? I must read on, 10/10.Author's Response: HA SECRET LOVE~ all of my readers think in the same way. Unfortunately it is not a secret love. Woe. :P
Thanks for the review! Report Review
I wonder what the real story is where James and Alice is concerned? Another good chapter and 10/10. Must move on.Author's Response: muahaha, that shall be revealed at a later date! :) In some...chapter... *coughs awkwardly* 10/10? thank you so much :D Report Review
If you've not done so already, you could make Alice's nickname Sprite. Given to her by Albus. Another good chapter and also 10/10. Now to move on.Author's Response: Hmm, I'll have to look back over that and see. Personally, I don't like nicknames very much so there probably won't be any nicknames in this story. Nice idea, though! Thanks for your feedback :) Report Review
My name is Sprite. I love it. Another good chapter and 10/10. I must move on.Author's Response: Sprite is definitely one of my favorite sodas, too. heh, I'm glad you liked this chapter! Thanks for the review ! :) Report Review
A nice start to your story. I wonder if Alice will ever get even with James? Must read on to find out. 10/10.Author's Response: Maybe she will, maybe she won't. ;) I love knowing readers' thoughts hehe. Thanks so much for reviewing! Report Review
I like your writing style and all your characters are developing well, i'm really looking forward to the next chapter :)Author's Response: thank you very much! :) i'm glad you think so! Report Review
Hi there! I know this is under construction, but I'm still slowly making my way through it. When I saw in in the BvB thread, it was the perfect chance. Besides, the last review is from about five months ago.
My favorite part of this was the Wanted poster, definitely. Those types of things usually exist only in the fantasies of 15-year-old-girls. I hope Alice was tickled pink, since we didn't really get much time to see her reaction.
Which brings me to a suggestion: detail. I don't know if I said this in previous reviews, so my apologies if it's repetitive, but I see so much more that could be in here. Anything from descriptions of setting and people to the students' reactions, and, as I already mentioned, Alice's thoughts as well. Her flashbacks are extremely interesting (this one was heart-breaking!) but they are only one piece.
You have such likable characters, and an interesting soda can comparison that's turning out quite nicely, so the only things that I personally see as needing some work is the actual technicalities. Detail, as mentioned above, as well as perhaps a bit on flow. Here, for instance, felt like a few too many choppy sentences:
"The rest of the day passes in a blur to me. All the classes are the same. The teacher drones on until it's time to do the activity. How interesting.
It's not until dinner that the tone of my day changes."
It's worth pointing out, anyway. ;) If you do come back to this (I know how it feels to have a story you like but can't get around to rewriting!), what would you change? What would you add? What don't you like about it right now?Author's Response: ahaha Sarah, you didn't have to review this at all! I've definitely been putting off rewriting this story, and honestly, I don't know if it will ever be done. When I started this story, I didn't really have anything planned out. And I definitely agree with you - detail is lacking in so many places. Gah, what was I thinking when I was writing this story?
I think if I came back to LaSC I would change the wording of many things, for one. And I would probably change a bit of the plot - I'm a bit stuck right now as to what direction I should go with, or where it was going in the first place. And I don't like how my writing is choppy, like you said. Plus, some of the parts in this story seem a bit cliche to me that I'd like to change. I think I need to go over my characterization again because it's not really well defined at this point. I just jumbled everything together and hoped for the best. x__x Obviously the best plan.
But thank you so much for your helpful and thought provoking review! ♥ You are always so encouraging about this story despite my pleas that you review something else xD
--jordan Report Review
Nice, he found her. So funny that she didnt realise he was shouting at her to stop. Alubus seems a funny guy, like someon who doesnt have too many problems and even if he does, he takes them on at a time and without too much stress. I kinda like him but Ill have to wait and see for teh next one.
I want to know more aobut Alice too. Its like witht the two brothers she si two difeerent girls. Stubborn and self-reserving with Albus, but hesitant, frightful with James. I want to see wich side of ehr will prevail, and most importantyl why and howAuthor's Response: haha hopefully you will find out sometime, someday ;) I haven't really worked on this story that much, and I'm very close to pressing the "Abandoned" button...maybe one day I'll come back to it, though. Thank you so much for your lovely reviews!
~foundriapenguin Report Review
oh, and I almost forgot 'scratiching his head to look for his brain' - that line in the last chapter was a really nice one. I love her sense of humor. I also am starting to think that the reason Alica doesnt appear as too much of a victim even thought she is bullied is because in ehr head, she doesnt see herself as one. She is capable of reaction, of anger. She makes fun of Jamesin ehr head. So basically, she gets bullied just because he can bullie her, but not because she has this victim-personality. I like that because it leaves possibility for change in her.
But i dont know how i felt about ehr confronting James so soon. I thought taht he at least intimidated ehr a little. but she spoke up to him like she could have dont it all along... anyway, im just goignt o keep reading to know some more.
And James is making me really curious to. I kinda feel for him, i really do, but that doesnt ean i can forgive him bullying someone for whatever reason. Ill just read and see... :)Author's Response: haha your thoughts about Alice's character makes me question how I created her. I like how your reviews are so thoughtful and insightful - they're really helpful to me as a writer. I wanted Alice to be a victim with at least a little self-esteem, but she's not as strong as she seems to be ;)
Thank you so much for your review on this chapter and I'll go hurry to reply to your other one!
~foundriapenguin Report Review
hey there, its me again. im here to review again for the fun of it but also because i noticed something in my last review that really disturbed me. when i said last time that the thing with Alice's sister was disgusting, i meant the way ehr sister acted, not the way you wrote it. Because you wrote it just fine, its the characters actions that i was commenting. Just wanted to get that straight, because when i read back my review, it sounded as if I was passing jujment on your writing or something. sorry about that.
So, for this chapter... I KNEW tehre was a reason behind James's behaviour! He was James the Monster alright, you said it well. I have to take back what i said about him being unrelatable since he was obviously meant to be that way. Sometimes i think one should simply readthe whole story before reviewing, but anyway. Im going on to the next now!
Oh, and teh question-answer in teh begining was really cute by the way. ;PAuthor's Response: haha it's fine :) I'm glad you came back to review! And yes, the way Raina acted was pretty despicable, unfortunately. Hopefully we'll see better sides of her character later in the story! *crossed fingers*
haha yes, James the Monster! Oohlala. And don't worry about it - stories are meant to trip you up! I'm glad you liked the beginning of the chapter, and thanks so much for this review!
~foundriapenguin Report Review
Awesome! I actually really love this idea and you've worked with it so well. I love metaphors and similies, they are my baby so I can't wait to read more!
And Alice is so real. She has real reactions and Albus is being so sweet. It's adorable.
:)Author's Response: haha metaphors and similes are love :) They make everything so much more relatable. And you think Alice is real? WITH REAL REACTIONS? YAY! *spazzes* Thanks for this lovely review! :D
~foundriapenguin Report Review
Hi there. You asked for a review from me, like ages ago but I had to leave that thread for closed and didn’t get around to your story. Now that Im starting with it again, I though I should come back and fulfill my promise, so to speak, so here it goes.
You know, I just loved the prologue. I havent read many stories like this one, but I have to say that the first thing that got me was your main characters dark sense of humor. She totally had me laughing in the weirdest places.
The last paragraph when she compares herself with a soda can was very sad one, even thought she was trying to make it sound funny in a way. I don’t know why, but even thought she sounded so miserable as the story started, she never one sounded like she was wallowing in self pity. She was actually very tenacious in being positive – this is probably the product of her sense of humor.
There was a really funny edge to Albus and Alices first meeting. I don’t know who to say, but I’m almost as curios about Albus as I am about Alice. Where has he been really? I wonder why she thought of that time with James in Muggls Studies class? And why does he torture her? Is he just an arrogant bully or is he into her or something?
I havent read many next generation fics, and I can understand that this is yours and you can do whatever you want with it, but the way you made James act so mean in the third chapter... I don’t know, I guess I never imagined someone could be like that, just for the kicks of it. Hes the son of Harry and Ginny, I just presumed that he’d be a little arse-ish but not a totally jerk. He reminds me of Draco. Anyway, Maybe its because its just the beginning, but he is very little relatable and I can’t understand the reasons behind his actions so he seems very unconvincing.
And that thing with Alice’s sister was disgusting. I mean, how can you do that to your own sister! I thought she’d be worried about her and try to help, not turn her back to her. Alice hasn’t had the best of luck, has she? I know that you’re trying to portray a very unhappy girl, but try not to overdo it. I mean, getting rejected by your own sister sounds a little farfetched… but maybe that’s just me, because I’m so really close with mine, even though she’s the outspoken popular one and I’m kind of the cynical bookworm.
On the other hand, I LOVE how Albus tries to contact her. It was so funny, LOL.Author's Response: Hi there! Thanks for reviewing - I really appreciate that you got around to it at all :) And this was delightfully long, so now to write an equally long response. ;)
I'm glad you like the prologue! And yes, Alice does have a somewhat dark sense of humor. That's probably my favorite part about Alice as well. xD And Alice...well, she acts like she doesn't care, but she really does.
As for James, that has yet to be revealed. I won't say anything about that yet :P And yes, James is a real arse, but I think once I reveal his back story there won't be as much hatred towards him. I'll work on his character - thank you for telling me about his seemingly unrealistic personality :P
Alice's sister...well, they're not especially close, I don't think. I'll try not to overdo the unhappy girl image but sometimes the angst is just too tempting XD
Thank you so much for this long review - it made me really think about the characterization. I'll make a note of it for the future!
~foundriapenguin Report Review
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