Reading Reviews for Revenge
  
3 Reviews Found

Review #1, by sk8trmafia08 Here We Are, Broom Cupboard and All

24th January 2011:
I love this! Shows a different side of Lily. Great job!

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Review #2, by Lolikins Here We Are, Broom Cupboard and All

31st March 2010:
Lmao. That was such a good story. I like how you showed a more fun loving Lily! It was a great story and your a great author! Keep writing!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the words of encouragement Lolikins! I will!

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Review #3, by Pen2Paper Here We Are, Broom Cupboard and All

17th March 2010:
Hey! Here's the review you asked for :

I have to be honest I haven't read much Fluff before now but reading yours I thought it was a pretty solid effort. Well done!

I like your characterization of Lily because she's very different from the more commonly seen steadfast and rule bound Lily. Your Lily is more flexible and fun loving, a deviation from the usual but you pulled it off very well! give yourself a pat on the back :)

I also like how Mia and Lily relate to each other. Although we are not clear of how they came to be friends it is easy to understand that their relationship is possibly based on Lily being the consoler when Mia is victimised.

And yes the prank was good! A literal definition of getting even, it was enjoyable.

Few pointers: there were a few spelling mistakes, so give your work a second proof read but nothing too serious. I'm pleased however that you broke the writing into good paragraphs.

I think the Peru joke got a little lost in translation but I got it on a double take.

Try to give a little physical characterization to your characters atleast the OCs, tell us what they look like, eg: brunette/blonde with blue/brown eyes. and anything to differentiate them eg: her nose scrunches when she smiles/ bites lip when agitated... I hope you get the idea...

Lily also seems like she tends to get distracted in her line of thought, while its a very nice quirk to her character take care to not let it disrupt the flow of the story.

I like how you describe in detail and help create the image of the scene, but try to keep sentences short and successive so that the detail still remains but the focus of the story is not lost.
Please note the above pointers are just to help you improve your writing.

I like how you depict Lily and the Marauders, it's a fresh new idea of how Lily is not bothered so much by them but by what misery they cause fellow students.

For your first attempt at a Marauder fan fic I thought this was pretty impressive. You seemed to have handled being out of your comfort zone very well!

Author's Response: I'm glad you think it was a valiant effort! I was a little worried that it'd be too far on the humor side, considering near everything Lily said was dry, but at least it was pulled off fine, whew on that one!

Yeah, from the few Marauders' eras that I've read nearly all had a looser version of Hermione as Lily (if looser is the right word). I wanted someone more . . . usable.

I can clear up how Mia and Lily were friends (I've got their whole little world planned out, as I don't write a story 'less I know it all! It'd be like jipping my readers if I didn't, you know?) and the story isn't all that interesting . . . kind of the same way Lavender and Hermione are friends. Same House, is all. Met during dinner after Mia'd been pranked with an exploding (into smoke) goblet.

And the spelling mistakes are soo embarrassing! I thought I had them all . . . I guess that's even more embarrassing! I'll get 'em! And thank you for the compliment about the paragraphs! I'm a little tentative about that sometimes.

Hmm. Yeah, I kind of figured the Peru thing'd be hard gotten, but it worked with the character and even allowed a call back, so I was pleased. It'll be an effort on the reader's part I know, and perhaps could be wrote (written?) better . . . I'll definitely take a quick look at it.

I had a funny feeling Mia's characterization (or lack thereof) would be picked up on near instantly. I have my reason ready. This is Lily's story, from her eyes and mind. Mia's a bland character. Roman nose, brown eyes, brown hair, pudgy build --- bland. And the only think Lily really cares to notice about the girl IS that plumpness. It's a point to the reader: an insight into the kind of person that Lily is --- slightly superficial, as she only notices the negative quality there.

I know that clears that up . . . and thanks for the pointers, by the way! And the lack of characterizations is also important --- Lily rarely pays her any attention. She doesn't like Mia in the least.

I don't know if that works though . . . hmm. I mean, I'll definitely look the story over again and see where I might throw in her characterization (hair in Lily's way, or something, her BROWN eyes darting around the room, that kind of thing. Throw the ID's in ther without sacrificing characterization).

Oh! Does it detract from the story? That'll be the sideeffects of the story being fully written out at 3AM. I haven't really edited this fully yet! Again . . . how embarrassing!

Ohhh! The detail thing is an issue that I am working on in my writing. I once described a room as bright and white. Oh! And large. Whew. Quite the description. And now I'm pulling run-on sentences that are killing flow. Well, thank you for pointing that out to me. I'll definitely work on this while editing and writing in the future!

And of course it's all to improve my writing! That's why I asked, o' course. And I'm glad I did request the review. It takes a few pointers and a little practice to get perfection (or as close as possible, you know?)

So, if I haven't said it yet, thank you very, very much for the review, Pen2Paper! I appreciate it more than you know. I'm glad you thought my first foray into the Marauders was a good one and that I did a good job on it, I'll definitely be taking a few more looks at this story to figure it all out.

Thank you again, and cheers!
Jackson


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