It's a good beginning. The only thing you may want to invest in is a beta; there are alot of mistakes. Other than that I want to see where this is going...Author's Response: thank you for reviewing! i know there is alot of mistakes. i think it comes from me accidentally putting the way i talk into it. i would love a beta but have no idea how to go about getting one..:S Chapter 2 is in the queue :) Report Review
Fabulous Job! I don't really have any feed back for you at the moment as this is after all the first chapter, and the chapter was dedicated to describing the characters (which by no means is a bad thing). Update soon!
~MarciaAuthor's Response: Why thank you, thank you, thank you :) I love that word..FABULOUS! it makes me happy :) Dell have my laptop at the moment as the charger's broke so i'm using my brothers laptop. When Dell get their act together and fix mine, the second chapter will be up :):) Report Review
I like it
i like the sound of Jasmine and her friends
looking forword to the next one
LouiseAuthor's Response: thank you very much for reviewing :)
Hopefully will get second chapter in for validation tonight so keep a look out :) Report Review
I think you have a good start -- I definitely wouldn't go so far as to say that it "sucks" (don't be hard on yourself!), but I'm personally not that big a fan of introductory chapters. It's just my opinion, but always like to learn about characters a little at a time, giving information when necessary. That said, I get your need to have the personalities of your characters out in the open, especially since basically all of them are OCs. (Yes, even the Next-Gen ones we read about in the epilogue. Contrary to popluar belief, there really isn't much to base them off of except for, like, five pages.)
And I do like the voice of Jasmine -- she sounds fun-loving. :)
You do have quite a few grammar issues -- I'd read it over again, and definitely fix what you see. Betas can be a big help, too.
This stuck out to me in particular: (I'm quite sure it's a typo, though, just thought I'd point it out.)
First of I'll let you get to now my friends a bit. First of , we have Rose Weasley.
You say "First of" twice, which disrupts the flow of the story, and I think you mean "off", not "of".
And I really don't think that this sentence fits in an HP story, even though Jasmine is a Muggle-born:
( sounds like a bad MTV show, Mmmm I wonder who could be the Spencer Pratt of my life… James maybe? Oops sorry going of course!).
Seeing overly Muggle-y things in fanfics just kind of rub me the wrong way.
I *loved* this line!
(you can't count James as life and soul, he just tends to get blocked and make a lot of noise.)
I love crazy James. ;)
I hope I wasn't too harsh or nitpicky! (Something I always try to be aware of when reviewing.) But, overall, you definitely have potential for a cute story!Author's Response: No you wern't to harsh at all! Thank you so much for taking the time to review and your points are really good! I think i really need to stop putting the way i talk into the story.. I'll definitely use your pionts in future chapters! :) Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection