11 Reviews Found

Review #1, by SilverMoonFairy The Red Dragon Arisen

24th September 2016:
*salute* LAST CHAPTER! ALL THE EXCITEMENT FROM CHAPTER 4! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS!

I had to look up Scourers. You made me LEARN something! ♥

TWO HUNDRED YEARS LATER WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE?!

I have to stop and laugh at the name Cassius because that's a ship name for mine and a friend's collab- Cassandra + Scorpius = Cassius. XD

This was the perfect ending. Not too much. Not too little. Just... Beautiful. If you had some way or drive to make this an OF, I would never stop reading it. I love it so much, but I still have to know... Did Ginny ever grow to love Malfoy? I feel like... I fell like he deserved to be loved. If not by her, then by someone because even if she didn't have Harry, they still loved each other and it's not fair. I'm tearing up, LOOK WHAT YOU DID!

Technicals:

“It is, I, Mordred Malfoy, Minister of Magic, younger brother of the great prat Arthur Malfoy, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, who once told me that all politicians should be drawn and quartered… and then set afire.”
Unneeded comma after "It is" And I wouldn't normally use the whole quote, but I just love this quote so much and the little bit of levity it adds to the dire situation and that at the end of the day, Arthur and Mordred are still brothers who love each other and I just want to cry right now!

*shaky breath* Okay... I'm done. I read it. I'm going to go cry now. Is that okay? Okay.
-Liz

Author's Response: Thanks for all the reviews. Sorry it took me a few days to answer this one, but I've been working late shifts lately, so it's been hard to be truly mentally awake.

The extra comma's been fixed. Thanks for noticing that.

I really wanted it be just enough, and not too boring with Mordred and Arthur laying out all their plans, and thought it better to see it from a retrospective.

So, I had a scene written with Draco and Ginny that mostly got replaced by the Quidditch scene. It made it more clear that Ginny was always in love with Harry and not Draco, but she did what was necessary. She did come to respect the new Draco and she always loved the way he was with their children. I see that I forgot to show Draco's wound healing after the boys achieved their goals (boys! they were in their sixties and Draco his eighties when it would have happened!). I really do believe that after their children were born that Ginny did love Draco, but was never 'in love' with him. I may write a special missing scene for just this.

When Mordred said that, I pictured Fred and George trying to answer those challenges and that's what I came up with. Glad you enjoyed that.

And the Scourers and NSPS; I had to change the basic premise of this chapter due to the real life Brexiting, since that was going to be what the Malfoy brothers were going to be preventing in the future, so I took it even darker with the Statute of Secrecy being broken by terrorists. I hope it's not too much of a Fantastic Beasts spoiler, as I'm really just guessing at Scourer and NSPS motives and means.

Thanks again for reading and reviewing this.


 Report Review

Review #2, by SilverMoonFairy Summer

24th September 2016:
*salute* I am totally here and really committed to finishing this and the next chapter today before dinner while I am doing laundry because I am probably taking an R&R hiatus after this except for my review thread until NaNo is over. SO LET US BEGIN! (Also, I read your last reply on the spacing and do you ever use the simple editor? That's all I use because the normal one they have for story submissions always messes with my formatting and spacing.)

Psshh, Ginny, you could totally just marry Harry and Draco marry Astoria and then Scorpius and Lily can get together. Pfftt!!! *ahem*

Aww, I thought Abraxas would have been more excited... I like that Lucius still talks to his portrait. There was such a father/son bond there, ugh, I want to go back to chapter two...

Wow, really, well... Tough luck Lucius. I'm surprised Draco is FOR this... I wonder has Lucius had a chance to explain himself? His father? His first ever meeting with Voldemort? I'm really sad for him... Fff- You made me feel BAD for LUCIUS MALFOY!

AN UNBREAKABLE VOW?! REALLY? Was that necessary? What if Harry tries to tempt her? They both know they don't really love each other, couldn't they just have a child and- Oh, yeah, the prophecy. ALL THE REASON TO LET LILY LUNA AND SCORPIUS HYPERION DO IT! Also, I like that she's Weasley-Malfoy. ^_^

Omfg, Hermione. XD ♥

Awww, that was a sweet little scene with them. Sad about that wound- I thought Snape had healed it enough, but... Dark Magic, I guess.

So, I guess Lucius didn't cut them out? XD Aww, does Draco already love her?! DOES HE?! AW!

Ehhh, I feel like the pregnancy reveal scene could use a bit of work. It seems like there should be more build, more excitement. You know? Where did the name Ygraine come from?

OMG BABY ARTHUR! SO FREAKING CUTE I WANT TO CRY! Do Arthur and Mordred get a little sister soon?

POOR ARTHUR! I personally love writing Squibs. They are peppered in all over my fics. Sheesh, I'm only halfway through! I hope I don't over do my characters on this one... Whatever doesn't fit I'll PM you or transfer to AO3. Omg, I thought they were all going to die just now! Ginny is an angry driver! I love that they don't turn Arthur away like so many Wizarding families do. It breaks my heart, really.

O ARTHUR GETTING BUSY IN THE CAMPAIGN ROOM! WHAT?! ♥ Ooo, Mordred is putting the SMACKDOWN on the Aurors! This is amazing!

What... What are you doing to me? This is too much information to handle! Just kidding, but STILL. HOLY CRAP SO MUCH GOING ON! You picked the perfect snippets to write and show the boys and their rise to power and it's all just so AMAZING! And Ginny still loves Harry. Does she love Draco at all? Even a little? Gah, this is all too much! WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?!

Technicals:

My clients are firm on this Avocatius,
Put a comma after 'this' otherwise Avocatius sounds like a legal term instead of a name.

You say 'never, never' twice within a few sentences and it sounds off (where they are discussing the contract clause). Maybe make one of them 'never, ever?' Or italicize the second never? Also, during the quidditch game.

The ordered room service
They

He whispered, flatly.
He doesn't need to be capitalized and you don't need the comma. Actually, the He thing is something that repeats a couple times.

I thought you like the time with your grandson
you - you'd or you would

hove into view
drove

All done!
-Liz

Author's Response: First of all, thanks for all the technicals, this chapter had way more technical mistakes than I usually have, probably because I was feeling rushed when I wrote it and it shows, not just in the technicals, but in the writing style as a whole. Most of them are fixed, but I'll have to go back later and fix spacing and capitalization after punctuation in dialogue--that's just a weird foible of mine that I have to unlearn. Can't believe I used 'hove' since I know that's really just nautical. Especially thanks for the never, never, as I hate repetition and redundancy and repetition in my writing :).

With the scenes with Draco and Lucius, I wanted to show that Lucius, while trying to do what was best for his family, really did have those beliefs that would make him try to convert Arthur and Mordred, instinctively or deliberately. Draco feels that his father poisoned his mind, and I don't think Lucius would ever tell him of what Abraxas told him about siding with Voldemort, not even when Lucius would have taken Draco into the secret room when he came of age.

Harry would never try to tempt her. I just don't see that as his personality. I really think the Unbreakable Vow was necessary as it shows their commitment to the prophecy, especially at a time when they are still learning to trust each other. My headcanon for this is that Ginny never 'falls in love' with Draco, but she does love him and the way that he is with their children. I think she always loves Harry.

The wound is very Arthurian, and a callback to the Fisher King. I should have shown a scene with the wound healing after the attacks, but there just wasn't room. After the land was healed, he would have healed, too.

Glad you enjoyed Arthur and Mordred. I really tried to make their personalities different. Mordred would be an example of a Slytherin that isn't evil, as would Arthur if he hadn't been a Squib.

No matter which editor I use, the spacing weirdness always happens. I just shrug and fix it when I notice it. It's been that way for almost 10 years now on the site, and I just accept it as a foible of the site.

Thanks again for the amazing reviews and I appreciate that you made it all the way through. I agree with you that the second chapter is by far the best.


 Report Review

Review #3, by SilverMoonFairy Winter

22nd September 2016:
*salute* I am here! Mostly! I'm supposed to be writing right now and that... Didn't happen. I blame YouTube. And Twitter. And my own lack of motivation today. But, moving on...

So, I like the high energy of the opening paragraphs- it gets me really excited to see what happens and already creates a bit of mystery, so the stall after the break doesn't even seem weird because it's the mystery I'm after.

I know this sort of ruins what you're doing, but neither Hermione or Ginny should be allowed to do magic outside of Hogwarts without some sort of consequences for doing so. Maybe Ginny could ask Seamus to interpret! (Hah! Yay!)

Condescending little door knocker, isn't it?

I love your Luna! She's so smart and rather on point, I think! SO MUCH RAVENCLAWING IN THIS CHAPTER! I LOVE THIS!

Holy crap, my heart just broke. Couldn't she have figured out that it wasn't Harry BEFORE he proposed! That's a rough break, dude...

Alright, so while I very much enjoyed this chapter and the characterization was good, the writing as a whole doesn't quite measure up to the previous two chapters. It was all very short and left me feeling a bit rushed through. Still a good chapter, but judging from the last two, I feel it can be a lot better. The writing in the first two chapters... Was really very beautiful and you have that at the beginning of this one, but it seems to almost fizzle out.

Technicals:

There's a huge space between paragraphs shortly after your next section begins. I only point it out because I thought the scene was changing already. There are a couple of these through the chapter, actually.

Ron and Harry went up to his room.
The point of reference here is a little unclear. We as familiar readers know who's room, but maybe reword a bit like... "Harry went with Ron..." Or something that would make the sentence more clear?

Enforcement came out, noded at Ginny and Disapparated.
noded - nodded

That's all I have! I'll hopefully get to chapter four tomorow night!
-Liz ♥

Author's Response: So, technicals first, as is tradition. Thanks for noticing the 'noded' error and it's been fixed, as well as the spacing after the line breaks. The large spaces happen every time it becomes edited due to the weirdness of word+the HPFF editor, so I have to manually remove them each time the chapter gets edited. It's a pain and sometimes I skip it, but I see how large these had become thanks to your review.

So, the Trace. In some of JKRs articles, it was stated that the only reason that Harry was spotted with the Trace when Dobby levitated the cake was that Harry was the only wizard there, so the magic had to be caused by him. In a wizarding household, where the spell could have been cast by an adult, they give the Trace the benefit of the doubt and leave enforcement up to the parents. Meaning that as long as Hermione and Ginny were there with Molly and Arthur, that the spells couldn't be specifically traced to them, so no action would be taken.

I completely agree about how this chapter feels rushed. I think it happened because it was finished more than 3 years after it was started. I left fanfic for a while and then picked it up again and I think I lost a lot of the skills I had started to develop when I wrote regularly, and it shows in chapters like this. CC like yours will help me pay attention to it.

Ah, Luna. She's my fave character and I specialize in writing her a lot and I always love to hear that I got her characterization down. I think that had Hermione not been so busy with the boys that Ginny may have gone to her more, but Luna turned out to be a better choice with her gift for languages (my headcanon, but not officially canon).

I love the knocker being obnoxious to Ginny. Notice it wasn't like this to McGonagall, so I figure it can get away with it with students. There will be a similar small, non-important scene in the next chapter with Ginny driving that I liked so I left it in.

The scene with Harry I went back and forth on. I finally decided to leave it as is, since I think that Ginny will have known it wasn't Harry all along, but she didn't want to stop the relationship and wanted to prolong it as long as possible. In the end, it wound up hurting them both more, but in the moment, it's often hard to see the future ramifications and I think both Ginny and Harry wanted to live in that moment.

Thanks again for the reviews, and I'm glad you're still enjoying this. Sorry this chapter seemed a bit rushed and I'll try to be more aware of that in future writing.


 Report Review

Review #4, by SilverMoonFairy Autumn

21st September 2016:
*salute* I am going to try to get through the whole story as quickly as possible and I will definitely review each chapter, no need to worry about that!

First off, just in the opening paragraphs, I'm already in love. When people write pureblood families, it's always the disapproving, nose-in-the-air, finding fault in their children sort of thing, but here you have very clearly a normal-like childhood where a boy plays with his dog and shows concern for his father. I love it! OMG, that puppy!

You are breaking my heart here! I don't think I've ever felt so deeply for a Malfoy since Narcissa asked Harry if Draco was alive!

A very interesting take on why the Malfoys joined Voldemort's ranks- in order to not be killed. It makes their betrayal at the end of DH a little more believeable, i think, like, "See, we were only following him... So that we didn't die."

Loving the mythology here, too. So good!

Wow, such a dark note to end it on. Wonderful, wonderful chapter! The tension from his ailing father, the pressure of his family legacy, the fear of Voldemort threatening all he holds dear! Everything just flows so well and I can see the Malfoy's in a whole new light! I was excited to realize that his father had made it another five years! SO GOOD!

Technicals:

Abraxas lifted his mouth to speak. “It’s too late; there’s nothing else they can do for me besides make me more comfortable.”

Lucius started to say something, but Abraxas held his hand up. “I know you’re going to suggest Les Anges in Paris, but they can’t do anything for me either. I went there last year when we were in Paris and you and your mother were at the Louvre.”
--This isn't really anything, I just wanted to point out that since Abraxas is still the speaker, if you WANTED, these could be one paragraph. Just a personal preference thing, not anything you HAVE to change.

Abraxas ran his wand across the palm of his son’s hand, causing a deep gash to appear in the palm.
Used the word 'palm' twice in the sentence. I think you're safe just removing 'in the palm.'

ALL DONE! If I'm lucky, I will hit chapter 3 tomorrow!
-Liz

Author's Response: Thanks for the technicals; I hate when I'm repetitive or redundant or repetitive, so that's already been fixed (pleasures of being a TA, instant edits!).

I'll be honest, I think this is the best chapter of the story by far, and I wouldn't feel bad if it was just posted as a one-shot with no other explanation.

For the Malfoys, I always thought that family was the most important thing, even with Lucius, who really wasn't a good person. But, I still believe he would have sacrificed a lot for Draco. Glad you enjoyed Abraxas and Lucius here.

I really do think they both would have had a lot of ideas in common with Voldemort, but mostly followed out of fear of what would happen if they didn't.

Thanks for the reviews and I'm looking forward to the rest whenever you can get around to them.


 Report Review

Review #5, by SilverMoonFairy Spring

19th September 2016:
Liz here with your review request! *salute*

So, did you want me to read the whole story? Because I'm totally down for doing that!

Holy crap, that prophecy gave me chills as I realized what he meant and where this is going! HOLY CRAP!

“Really, Rowena,” he said. “Sometimes I don’t think you live in the same world as us. Sit down and let Helga have a look at your wound.”
I love everything about this line. It tells us a lot about Rowena without going into her POV specifically or bogging the story down with a lot of narrative about how in the clouds she is or her mind set. This line speaks volumes about the character and she didn't even say it. THIS is GREAT writing.

Being a Ravenclaw and currently working on a collab where a Ravenclaw will be getting together with a Slytherin, I very much love the Rowena/Salazar thing going on here. It's adorable and Rowena is very forward and playful whereas Salazar almost doesn't seem to know what to do with himself. I would assume most Founder related stories would treat Salazar like most Marauder related stories treat Peter- invisible or insufferable. I really enjoy that you show that the father of the most hated house in Hogwarts is a normal human. I really enjoy all the founders so far! I noted in your chapter summaries that each one takes place in a different era (which I also love!) so I'm a bit sad I won't see more of them after this chapter.

Oooo, the plot doth thicken! So the old man was Merlin? That is fascinating! I never thought about there being a reason for where the Founders built Hogwarts! JK Rowling actually lists Merlin as a noteable Slytherin in the stories of the houses on Pottermore. I can't help but wonder where her timeline exists where that is possible as I believe the legend preceeds the Founders?

(I can't help but picture Tormund Giantsbane from Game of Thrones when I picture Godric...)

*ahem*

I love the set-up for Salazar ultimately walking out on his friends. Very well done- it's an issue he's brought up before and it seems like an issue that keeps getting swept under the rug for him.

ACK! I can't believe I'm at the end! NO! This chapter is SO good, I can't get enough! I need to read more Founders fics. I have a mind to write my own, but I don't know where to start! This was amazing and I'm chomping at the bit for the next chapter!

In terms of your request, this has to be one of the most interesting stories I've come across in a long time. Arthurian legend is interesting enough and I love when it crops up in my favorite fandoms! (Charmed, Stargate...) So that you're weaving it into a Harry Potter fic is beyond amazing to me! I wish you could have spent longer with the Founders in this- I love them all!

Technicals:

What do you mean—” she started,
Missing quotation.

The sun shone down on Salazar’s grey eyes and flashed them crimson at Godric.
I like this line, but it reads awkwardly at the end. I think a reword may be in order. Maybe something to the effect of- "...and they flashed crimson at Godric." or maybe - "Salazar's grey eyes looked at Godric as the sun shone down, flashing them crimson." Or... Something. Those both sound just as awkward...

As an over all, given the time period (circa 1050 AD? Ish?) I think you should do a quick read through and catch all your contractions. It's, aren't, don't- Maybe I'm just being picky, but they didn't use contractions much back then? Or maybe I read too much fiction! That could be it...

I honestly just love this story already. We don't get much from the Founders, but I felt like I got to know them really well in a short amount of time. Very intriguing. As far as 'is this an interesting idea for a story' I would have to say YES. Are you thinking about making it into an original? Because I would buy that book! It might sit on my shelf a while before I got to read it, but I would definitely buy it and push all my other To-Read's to the side for it!

I hope this was helpful for you! Let me know if you want me to keep reading! (I may do that anyway...)
-Liz

Author's Response: Please, if you want to read the whole story, I would love it and if you wanted to review it, that would be even better!

Ah, technicals. Thanks for pointing out the missing open quotes, I really hate having things like that happen, so I fixed it as soon as you mentioned it. Yeah, I see how that line about the crimson might be weird; I'll think about changing it.

Contractions and language. The language would have been so different then, that it wasn't even English yet. So some authors indicate the difference with stilted, non-contracted language, and others just write normal language. I'm one of the latter. I'm more likely to say someone has a French accent than write their dialogue with a French accent.

This won't be made into an original for sure, but thank you for the compliment that you would buy that.

The prophecy was definitely from Merlin. The tales of Merlin go way back before Hogwarts was founded, so I always thought the whole 'Merlin was Slytherin' thing was propaganda to make Slytherin look better.

Yes, each chapter will be a different era.

Salazar needs to presented as someone more complex than a mustache-twirling villain. He had to believe in something to help found the school. I really believe he didn't lose his optimism until much, much later in his life.

Thanks so much for the very kind review.


 Report Review

Review #6, by jtz Winter

21st June 2015:
wow, that was so good! i really enjoyed it. where is the fourth chapter?

Author's Response: Chapter four is under construction. It's been so long since I started it, that it feels odd to write it now. But I promise this is one story I will finish. Glad you enjoyed it.

 Report Review

Review #7, by jtz Spring

21st June 2015:
i absolutely loved this chapter! i hope one day you will spin it out into a whole novel or novella.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review. It's going to have a fourth chapter (and a long one at that), but that's it. Sorry to disappoint you and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

 Report Review

Review #8, by UnluckyStar57 Spring

19th January 2015:
Hey! I'm here from the January BvB.

I really love this one! The intertwining of two different legends--Arthurian and Potterversian--is so cool. At first, I didn't think about the dying old man being Merlin, but I understood by the end of the first part. It's cool that he had a woman apprentice named Vivian!

Speaking of, I love how you played around with gender roles in this. Salazar is obviously such a traditionalist, refusing to look at Rowena's ankle, and she's pushing him, challenging him to let go of that. She knows that she has just as much power as him in the governing of the school, and she isn't going to let him forget it. Yes!

Awww, I'm sort of disappointed that this is the end of this one-shot. I expected this story to be a continuation of this initial idea, because I really want to find out the significance of the blonde boy and whether or not Salazar will end up approving of him.

Brilliant chapter!

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: All of the chapters are related, so it's not really a one-shot, exactly.

Glad you enjoyed it. I really think there are a lot of Arthurian themes in the books if you know where to look.

Especially glad that you enjoyed the characterizations of the Founders. I think I may actually have a handle on them.


 Report Review

Review #9, by Veritaserum27 Spring

14th January 2015:
Hi there!

I'm here for the BvB review battle from the common room and I thoroughly enjoyed reading this chapter! I've read a few founders era stories before, but none that addressed how Hogwarts started in such a deep and fascinating way. I love, love how you tied it into Arthurian legend and that makes so much sense to me. This is a great way to explain how the four founders came together to start the school. The only sad part is that I want to know more! I'm craving a novella, at the very least about these four and their relationships.

Your characterization is utterly amazing here. Within a very few words, the reader grows deeply attached to every single one of these four very different individuals, united for a common cause. I feel like you've showed rather than told us about their little quirks, deepest desires and defining characteristics. I'm almost sad to read the next chapter because I know it's set in a different era, but at the same time, I feel like it won't be a disappointment because you write so well!

Great job! I love your story!

♥ Beth

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the nice review. Yes, this story is extremely Arthurian, as that's the main point of it.

Glad you liked the characterizations of the Founders. I've always thought the 'Merlin was Slytherin' had to be Slytherin propaganda, since he would have way, way pre-dated Hogwarts, so I thought this would be a great way for the founders to decide on where to have a school.

Especially glad you liked it, since I thought this chapter was flat characterization-wise

Thanks again for the nice review.


 Report Review

Review #10, by RonsGirlFriday Spring

9th April 2010:
So first of all, wow, this sounds like an awesome challenge. Leave it to Alopex to come up with something like this! As soon as I finish this review I think I'm going to zip over to eHPF and enter the challenge, if it's still going on.

I'm really impressed by this first chapter. You write Founders very well. It's an era I've always wanted to try, but I'm really nervous to do so. You brought life to it, and as far as I can tell, it's accurate as far as dialogue and so forth.

Nice job with their characterizations, too. I particularly liked Rowena - a little more girlish, flirtatious, mischievous, etc., than she's normally portrayed, but not to the point where it seems at odds with her House qualities and the fact that she's supposed to be brilliant and wise. Also, too, with Salazar - nobody ever thinks of him as being gentlemanly, really, but it adds something to his character while making perfect sense because of his traditional thinking.

I also really like the use of Arthurian legend - I could care less how true you are to it - it's the thought that counts! XD I'm anxious to see how you weave it into the remaining chapters and eras - because I assume you plan to do something with this idea of the heir of Arthur and the heir of Guinevere meeting again? I look forward to reading the rest to find out!

You have a very smooth and engaging style. It's a pleasure to read.

Melanie

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for the review. It's been a while since I had a review for anything, so I appreciate it.

It's exactly about the heirs of Arthur and Guinevere. I'm going to surprise some people with who they are, though. :)

I was really trying to make Rowena seem sort of absent-minded, kind of like Luna, but with a sense of flirtation that Luna doesn't have. I'm glad you like my Founders. To my surprise I find that when I write the Founders, I almost always get a good response. Before I wrote a Founders piece at eHPF for Ginny's challenge, I never would have considered it, now I have a couple of bunnies for them.

I'm glad you liked my unusual characterisations for Salazar and Rowena. I think it's boring to have them the same all the time. There's a lot of sides to both of them.

Yes, Alopex is amazing. She's got a good head on her shoulders and I respect her quite a lot.

Thanks for the compliments, I'm blushing. I've had the Arthurian themed bunny in my head for a while now, but I never knew how to write it until Alopex's challenge.


 Report Review

Review #11, by Pixileanin Spring

18th March 2010:
Oooh... I love Arthurian myth stories! I enjoyed this first installment and I'm looking forward to what you do with it next!

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for the nice review and I'm glad you enjoyed what you read.

Like I said in my Author's Note, I'm going to take quite a few liberties with the Arthurian myths.


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login