Reading Reviews for The Mirror in Disguise
  
8 Reviews Found

Review #1, by McGonagalls Apprentice The Portal Found

31st May 2010:
Interesting chapter. The appearance of the AU Sluggy certainly advances the plot. However, the appearance of Ginny as a hippogriph makes for an interesting twist. Whether it was the real Ginny or an AU Ginny, Harry wouldn't have left her, short of Madame Pomfrey ordering him out.

Grammar stuff FTW.
-When we speak we tend to say, "me and so-and-so." When we write it needs to read, "so-and-so and I." :-)

-Okay who is confused, Harry or the female healer when he gives her an autograph it's a little ambiguous.

-“Ouch… oh, I see. Feeling pain is a strong signal that one is alive. So that means… you came back to life?” He asked me.
---nothing major, just need a quotation mark before the word So. the AU Sluggy is speaking.

Author's Response: thanks for the awesome review as normal, the updates on this story will come less frequently due to me writing another story that i am posting on fanfiction . net

if you'd want to read that, the name of the story is: Harry Potter, Jedi Planeswalker *hopes i don't get the acount suspended/banned for this*

i hadn't thought about it before, but the AU Ginny idea will be one idea i try out, thanks!!


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Review #2, by McGonagalls Apprentice Hogwarts Express Part 2

10th April 2010:
This is by far your best chapter yet!!! The fight scene was good. I remember Harry asking if the Quibbler had come out and wondering if they had taken Luna. Did they? I didn't see her mentioned later in the chapter. Were they able to rescue her when the DE's were stunned, rounded up and caged up?

Just a reminder to check your punctuation/paragraph formation. I during the feast when McGonagall asked Harry if he wanted to be quidditch captain. To which I replied..." “Yeah, I’d like that.” were on separate lines --just put the first part down with his statement.

Also it should be, "Ron and I" not "Me and Ron."

Thanks for putting the thoughts back into italics. It made reading much smoother.

Nice cliffhanger. Don't forget to tell us whose the harbinger of moldy Voldy's return.

Author's Response: I remember Harry asking if the Quibbler had come out and wondering if they had taken Luna. Did they?
Were they able to rescue her when the DE's were stunned, rounded up and caged up?

/quote

yes, Harry had indeed rescued Luna and slipped her back into a compertment window.

thanks for correcting my gramatical mistakes too!


PS: My computer is acting up (screen blacks out at random times, can't see anything when it happens), i'm getting it repaired with my warranty, so it might be a while before i post chapter 8.


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Review #3, by McGonagalls Apprentice Hogwart's Express, Part 1

8th April 2010:
“Yes, if I recall correctly, when I said I didn’t want anything from you, you gave me a strip of beach with a manor on it.
---huh? Harry's Birthday is July 31 Ginny's is August 11
---How would she know about the manor on the beach?
---Also How is Harry there? He went with the Death Eaters from the World Quidditch Cup on June 26.

Okay the parchment that Harry, Ron and Hermione are their Auror orders right? Orders are not suggestions-- please consider revising. The following is just a suggestion (take or leave it).
-- "You will patrol Hogwarts boundaries. Potential threats must be reported to the Headmistress' office and offenders dealt with in an appropriate manner."

Thank you for bringing back the italics...it really does help with the reading.

Friendly attack from the grammar police :-P

The next month passed very quickly with preparation to return to Hogwarts, me, Ron, and Hermione was very excited to see what we would be doing.
---Break this up into two sentences (a period after Hogwarts and then either Ron, Hermione and I were (1st person) OR Harry, Ron and Hermione were (3rd person)...).

Ginny, imparticularly, was thrilled to have me by her side for the rest of the year, and, if her plan worked, the rest of our lives.
---Ginny, in particular, was. year; and, if her plan worked, the rest of our lives.

...breaking and Hogwart’s rules
---breaking Hogwart's rules.
Me and Ginny went first, then Ron and Hermione went.
---Ginny and I ...(first person) OR Harry and Ginny...(third person)

~~~
This chapter seems out of place sequence wise. It does, however, have some good foundation points about what the trio will be doing at Hogwarts and what their roles will be there.

Author's Response: thanks for correcting me on the order of events, i thought Ginny'd BD came before Harry's. but yeah, it does lay good foundation to what the trio will be doing later on.

PS. "grammar police" lol :)


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Review #4, by McGonagalls Apprentice Ginny's Birthday

8th April 2010:
Interesting, fluffy chapter. I could see Harry spending gobs of money on Ginny, and all the Weasleys for that matter. :-) I love the fishing experiment. Accio fish was an interesting use of the spell. I'm surprised she only got five. Did Ginny have a party with her family? After all this would be her coming of age party, I would think that she and her family would want to be together OR that there would be presents or something at one of the meals.

I realize that Ginny and Harry share thoughts, but it would make reading the story easier if you went back to italicizing the thoughts they were actually sharing (like you did when you first introduced the concept). I find myself re-reading sections trying to decipher who said or thought what. I know that you have them sharing most of their thoughts--which is totally cool; however, changing paragraphs when the thinking changes would help the readability.

Did I miss something? Ron's at the beach house??? Was he there before Harry and Ginny showed up? Did he know about the place?

Given this chapter and last chapter --currently I prefer it when you write in third person. Don't give up on the separate points of view, but I think that they are more difficult to pull off than third person. Kudos to you for trying it.

Author's Response: Ron was at the beach house only after Harry and Ginny got there. Harry had shown it to Ron previously (which i didn't mention) so he could apparrate there when Molly wanted them to get some food. i may try some third person later on, when it is required. thanks for all of the helpful input!

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Review #5, by McGonagalls Apprentice Quidditch and..... The Amazon??

7th April 2010:
I caught the play on Gretzky L0L

After a while, Harry, Hermione, and The Weasleys were inside Europe’s VIP booth (and yes, they do have separate booths. How do you expect all of the Ministers AND their guests to fit into one of those crowded things?)
---How about tweaking the the line to read:
After a while, Harry Hermione and the Weasleys found themselves in the British Ministry's VIP booth.
---Is it important as a reader to know that every European country has their own booth or just a side bar?
Chocolate Frog Card:
--The Battle at Hogwarts occurred on May 2, 1998. (Bill and Fleur's daughter Victoire was born one year later on May 2, 1999)
--Just my opinion, but I don't think that Harry's addresses would be on the card (just a small detail).

After seeing the death eaters in the sky, the crowd panicked and ran down the hard-wood bleachers and back to the campgrounds.
Did they see the Dark Mark in the sky or Death Eaters?? This spot is just a little confusing.

Ummm...I'm confused...the reason AK is an unforgivable curse is that it can't be blocked...and Harry isn't exactly immune to it...so can you include an explanation of why he can get Protego to block and no one else can?

Harry must have been gone much longer than a week, because Ginny's birthday is August 11.

Okay, how did Harry escape the Death Eaters? I don't see them just letting him go freely... that's not their M.O. Personally, I would have like to see Harry put up a fight. I don't see him willingly surrendering. The ONLY person he surrendered to was moldy Voldy. I don't see him doing that again as he doesn't have the "inside" edge.

Secondly, it's your story so you can write however you want to (it is your story after all), but Ginny is a known spitfire. I don't see her letting Harry walk away from her without a fight and I don't see her welcoming him back until after he's faced her bat boggie hex.

Thank you for including some action...even if it was brief. I do appreciate your hard work in writing these chapters, even if it seems like I have a million and one questions, comments and concerns. ;-)

Author's Response: for your first question, they saw the mark and scurried.

for the bit about: Ummm...I'm confused...the reason AK is an unforgivable curse is that it can't be blocked...and Harry isn't exactly immune to it...so can you include an explanation of why he can get Protego to block and no one else can?

Harry gained his full magical power when the slice of Voldy's soul was out of him, he was hindered by it. so he could use that strength to do things that ordinary wizards couldn't do.

as to how he got out, the chapter was from Ginny's POV, so i felt it wasn't that important.

and technically, Ginny did put up a fight before Harry left, and he submitted willingly because he wanted to know more about what was left of the Death Eater force, so he let them take him to HQ.

hope this clears things up a bit!


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Review #6, by McGonagalls Apprentice Quidditch Invitations

7th April 2010:
Just a suggestion (you can take it or leave it :0) ) I get that you had Harry ask what day it was to set up a time frame for the quidditch match; however, given that Harry's birthday is six days away (July 31) wouldn't it be more clever for someone to ask Harry if he wants anything special for his birthday. It just seems more subtle.

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I get the feeling that the purpose of this chapter to develop the idea of the "Death link?" I kept waiting for something else to happen in this chapter, and it didn't come. I could see the four trying to see how far away they could get from each other before losing the link. I think that the idea of a "Death link" is an awesome idea. How often do friends wish that they could visit without being overheard. I have some questions to pose to you: will the link develop in strength with practice or is it tied only to the death related experiences? How did Arthur react when they tried to explain the link to him?

Just a few technical issues that I observed

salyed ~ probably should be slayed :-)
Krum was the prankster or his team ~ of

Author's Response: yeah, the point of this chapter is to get the heroes used to sharing their thoughts.

as to your questions, yes, the link will get stronger with more practice. and for the second one, Arthur was a bit confused about it, he didnt really understand, he just went with it.


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Review #7, by McGonagalls Apprentice Diagon Alley

6th April 2010:
Okay you're really going to feel like a teacher just proofread your chapter...well that's because one just did...literally :-)

I understand that you are laying your ground work for your story, but I would think that Harry would have STRONG reservations about explaining what Horcruxes are, as they are the vilest of dark magic. He wouldn't want people trying to make their own so that they could "escape" death.

The use of a human transfiguration spell over polyjuice is an interesting idea, but you made it seem too easy. Why would people spend a month brewing a potion if they could cast a spell and get better results? Why do people prefer polyjuice to the spell? Instead of having Hermione shrieking you could have her start lecturing Harry on the dangers of human transfiguration.

Also ask yourself, "Does this lead to the plot development?" I know that you want to write to please your readers, but write for your own enjoyment first. You plan point A and all the major points you want to cover to make your story work for you and plan where you want to end your story. If a reader gives you an idea for something and you like, run with it. JKR always knew how her story would end, just not all the points along the way. :-)


Grammatical Points :-) (Yes, they are nasty little buggers, but I'll help you out --with some of them anyway--others are just too complicated.)

-Every time a character speaks, and you use quotation marks, begin a new paragraph. Yes, I realize that means that a paragraph can be a single word. Drat that dialogue. :-)

-Double check your capitalization of names. Spell check isn't nice enough to catch those all the time.

-Watch the homonyms (words that sound the same but are spelled differently) to/two/too, there/their/they're etc. make sure that you have the right one.

-Check out the lines After they left this shop, Harry asked Ginny:
“Meet me at Madame Malkin’s place in ten minutes, OK?”
--This should be one sentence
After they left the shop, Harry asked Ginny, "Meet me at Madame Malkin's place in ten minutes, OK?"

-Double check that you have all your ending punctuation marks.

-Check the line (Because of his green eyes, in case you didn’t catch that one.) You're reasoning for the earrings being emeralds is known to most HP fans :-) So you really don't need this statement.

-While not "proper" grammar it helps for reading purposes (especially on computer screens) if you put a space between each paragraph too. There are various "chunks" where it gets difficult to track the line as a reader. :-)

I hope this helps you--keep writing.

Author's Response: The use of a human transfiguration spell over polyjuice is an interesting idea, but you made it seem too easy.

yeah, you got me on that.

Instead of having Hermione shrieking you could have her start lecturing Harry on the dangers of human transfiguration.

this too

thanks for all the help! i'll try to keep this in mind for the next chapters.


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Review #8, by McGonagalls Apprentice An Auror's Beginnings

6th April 2010:
Okay, your premise is interesting. So I'll give you a couple of chapters to set up your plot and see where you take this adventure. I get the impression that your are trying to use Harry's dream in this chapter and the title of the story as a way to foreshadow future events.

There are just a few points for you to check:
-The Weasley's eat in their kitchen, unless you're remodeling the Burrow. :-)
-It's Cedric Diggory not Sedrick Diggory
-What about Molly crying at Bill and Fleur's wedding in book 7.

I think this story has some potential :-)

Author's Response: about molly crying about the wedding, ah... i just forgot about it, thanks for reminding me, im gonna have to edit it to put that in.

as for the dream and title, yes it is a foreshadowing efect.


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