Reading Reviews for Pax
7 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Kim She died screaming his name

4th February 2011:
This was quite good! It definitely gave me that ache-y feeling when I was reading it. Poor Sirius. I quite like your characterization of him and of your OC as well. I can be rather picky with the personalities of the OCs paired with Sirius but I really like that she's the quiet type. Well done! (:

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Review #2, by a rollerball She died screaming his name

31st August 2010:
i swear your on of the best writers i know. i feel so like... there with your stories. its amazing, please write more, and more... and some more. love your work xD

Author's Response: Aaw, you're so sweet! I haven't written a one-shot in ages... It's because I stopped doing challenges =D

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Review #3, by _Lady Marauder_ She died screaming his name

29th May 2010:
Oooohh my that is so tragic!! Poor Sirius!! I dont remember anything too huge being said about his love life in canon, so I like these kind of fics that explore those holes.

One of the things I especially liked about this was how little dialouge there was. Really there was only those two lines which, by the way, I thought were a very nice addition. God, If I were that person I would just want to sink into the ground and fade away. Especially after Sirius response. I wanted to reach into the story and hug him after reading that.

OMG at the end -excuse me if this is misinterpretted- when you said "She took her untroubled smile and delicate grace to the grave, with the child no-one but her knew of." You mean she was pregnant and no one knew yet? If so, then HOLY CRICKETS that is so sad :'(


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Review #4, by :) She died screaming his name

19th May 2010:
Beautiful. Brilliant. Amazing. Wow.

Author's Response: Why thank you.


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Review #5, by Undercover Hufflepuff She died screaming his name

1st April 2010:
This is beautifully written.
And the emotions are so strong.
I loved it and I want to read the rest.

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm so pleased you think so =)


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Review #6, by Sleeping Paige  She died screaming his name

28th March 2010:
Right. So, I figure it's only right that I extend a hand and offer you a review in return. I liked the title of this one because it reminded me of that movie 'K-Pax'. Of course, I'm refering to the title and nothing else. Have you seen it? It's brillant.

Well, you seem to have written this one a while ago, so I'll just point out that I liked how evasive the opening was. You followed a pattern of one of my pet peeves, though, but we'll get there in a paragraph. Saying she was like an angel is really rather cliche. The comma that you placed in the first sentence places an unneccessary break, and that really sets off the tone. That phase '...fallen asleep in a delicate pose' is part of an impressive line. It might be the most powerful in the piece. You should have set up the Ministry courtroom, especially since this is the First War and that was hit on with such force in GoF. The name Artemis is a powerful one, so that is a name that fits perfectly in JKR's world. Perhaps had small hints. Really, the scene with Crouch in the rattlling chains chair is so powerful.

Okay, let's cover the pet peeve. Things like spells, charms, locations and such are always capitialised in the canon. I think that it's important to master that if you turn to fan fiction to honour the literature. Two that I see off the top of my head are 'Cruciatus Curse' and 'Secret Keeper' (definately that one).

Shall we go over grammar? You have weakness with possesion. There is an area where you should have purt the adverb, so that the line looks like, 'sleeps peacefully'. The 'his lips shook' part can be taken out to make a stronger sentence. You do the same with the above where you should have put 'peaceful death'. Sirius should have said, 'I'll get the monster who killed you' because it's likely a person killed this woman and not an object. Yes, they used a wand, but you catch my meaning. That should be 'Potters'' house because there are two in a couple. '...burn to pieces' is a fragment in Sirius's threat. These should not have hphens: noine, nobody, and nonetheless (at least not in mt English variation, that is, and that's American English. )You seem to have a lot of repitition not only with pushing ideas, but your word choice is limited. Just look at the last sentences. You have the word 'peace' four times and you mention over and over again that she couldn't feel it. She couldn't feel it.

Well, this is a lot and I know that I looked at small pieces. It matters, though. I liked the idea that Sirius lost somebody in the War, and you definately took another angle, so it's not that cliche. Did I mention that I like the name 'Olivia'? There's a mourning Olivia in Shakespeare, 12th Night. i know this is a lot and it's straightfoward. The cool thing is that you know how to use semi-colons. Nobody who starts out writing knows that, Xe. I like the idea, but you can use some revision. I do that all the time. I hope that this helps.

Let me know.



Author's Response: Gah, so many of my one-shots are terrible. That's why I only put the ones in for challenges up for review: they often need a LOT of attention. Right now, I'm sitting with the writing in front of me, revising it before I have to go out (woo, extra dance revision).

Strength is a weakness. Ironic, no?

I think I should be able to complete the revisions tonight -- perhaps you could have a look afterwards and see if I've improved in the slightest?


ps. Oh, and it's Ella =)

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Review #7, by MidnightBlue_x She died screaming his name

12th March 2010:
aww, that is a beautiful piece of writing. there really is no other way to describe it, well done :)

x ely

Author's Response: Thank you very much =)


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