Reading Reviews for The Voice
  
9 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MinervaSnape9908 The Voice

5th April 2012:
I really liked it. It was well written, but I wish it could have been more detailed in the transition between the attempted suicide and his birthday. That part was a little confusing and hard to follow. Other than those minor things I really enjoyed it.

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Review #2, by long_live_luna_bellatrix The Voice

10th May 2010:
Hi there! I'm so sorry for the late review... it's two months late to the day, I believe, and I'm so ashamed. But I'll try to make up for it by leaving a long review.

First, with the suggestions. I loved the story, but I do have some CC. Once, you mentioned people leaving "a few Galleons" in tips for Madame Rosmerta, but according to the lexicon one Galleon is equal to ten US dollars, five British pounds, and a little less than eight Euros. I don't know about you, but in a bar I wouldn't be leaving $30 in tips, or whatever other currency you may use... Also, there was a certain paragraph early on that was phrased rather oddly, and I had no idea what was going on. It was this one:

"Over the years, he had listened to her pleas and apologies. Whenever she used jasper as an excuse, he crawled back into his wife's arms with willing forgiveness. Since their last disagreement, he had not seen her for four years. He flashed her that familiar eye crinkled smile as he stopped in front of the door."

OK, so there, I had zero ideas on what was happening. You had too many pronouns, and then your jumped into him opening the front door and I was completely lost. The flow kind of shattered as I tried to figure out what was happening, so that's a passage you should probably clear up.

My last suggestion is towards the general setup of the one shot. The individual time periods flowed nicely, but when you jumped from time period to time period, skipping decades at a time, I was lost. I could never quite tell if we were going forward or backward in time, and whether it was a difference of days or years. One option you have is just to start off each change with, "Three years later, she caught her next glimpse of him...". Or, you could put the date and time at the beginning of each switch, like so: "October 14, 1943. 5:22 pm." Either would make it less confusing.

Otherwise, I really liked the story. I adore McGonagall as a character, so I enjoyed that you wrote this about her. She could've used a little more character; surprisingly little of her personality came across, but what I saw I liked. I also liked Leo; he was extremely realistic, with his pros and cons, and was fun to read. You wrote him and his life well.

You also did well with the dialogue; especially at the end, it flowed off the tongue well, and was, well, just... good to read. And, finally, when I realized we were at the last paragraph, I was thinking, "Where does the title come in?!" And then it came, and I loved how you tied it in. I guess I always struggle with coming up with the perfect title, so I really appreciated how you did it.

Once again, sorry for the late review, but you did a great job!

~lllb

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Review #3, by mizzxpearl The Voice

30th March 2010:
Hey! This is mizzxpearl from the forums with your review. I am so, so, so sorry that it took this long. Life has just been getting in the way lately.

Now onto your review. I like the concept in general that Professor McGonagall had a relationship on the down low. Not everyone has that passionate relationship and if there's one cannon character who I could ever imagine having a down low relationship, it would be McGonagall. So, good job for originalilty!

Okay, so I'm guessing this is the fic that you once mentioned to me in a review. You said that you were working on a fic that you were thinking of scraping because it was so hard to get her voice down. It's a good thing that you didn't scrap it! However, I do think that the dialouge was awkward at points. Maybe it's just because I read A Blank Canvas, but to me, I didn't really notice a huge difference in McGonagall's voice and Charlotte's voice. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but I thought it was worth pointing out.

The place where her character seemed the most off was when she gave alcohol to Jasper. Would Professor McGonagall really give alochol to someone to anyone, much less someone who is like her son?

Also, a place that really confused me was the transition to the Three Broomsticks. You kept using 'she' and I had no idea if you were referring to McGonagall, Rosmerta, or the ex-wife.

I think if you add a reason to why she was instantly pulled towards Leo, the story would make more sense. The transition from their first meeting to the them as good friends in the three broomsticks was a little fast.

Other than that, I liked it. The ending was sad, but it seems to fit. I liked that you added Hermione in there, since she's a familar character I could relate too. Over all, it was a nice, interesting read. :)

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Review #4, by xkaittloveex The Voice

22nd March 2010:
Hello, xkaittloveex here from the forum to review your story!

Let me first start off by saying this was such an interesting read. I've never read a story about McGonagall before and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I liked being able to see her in a new light - something different from the strict professor we're used to seeing in JK Rowling's novels. Very, very interesting.

There are a few things that I have some constructive criticism about and they are as follows:

- I felt as though the wording was EXTREMELY awkward at many points of the story. I feel like this made the flow of the story very choppy. Many times I had to stop reading and go back a sentence or two and start back up again. I even had to read a few sentences more than three times. The story was very difficult to follow. By simply rereading I'm positive you can correct this and make the flow much better. However, the flow is one of the main things that make a story readable or not so it's important you do this.

- I feel the characterization of McGonagall was really...odd. Maybe it is just because we are not used to seeing her outside of Hogwarts and her "professor-ly" actions but I found a lot of things she said and did very strange. The way she spoke seemed very out of character and because of this it was hard for me to actually picture her. Also, I just cannot wrap my head around her buying alcohol for Jasper. That may be the thing that bothered me the most about the story. I just...it's so hard for me to imagine. McGonagall buying alcohol for someone...especially since Jasper was like her son.

- She chose to overlook his insult of ‘homeless weirdoes walking the streets. ; You forgot to end the quotation.

- They rarely met, for he gained positions in the Ministry and she liked the distance. ; You did this a lot with "for" and commas...it's just very awkward and you should reread these sentences. Maybe you could write "They rarely met because he gained positions in the Ministry and she liked the distance."

- A lot of sentences were also not complete. Rereading will fix this.

Now, there are PLENTY of positives. So, let me get to them. First of all, I loved the relationship between Leo and McGonagall. It was so beautiful and the way it progressed was absolutely perfect. It started off with a simple act of kindness and it became so much more. The way they both interacted was just...ah, so lovely.

The ending was just heartbreaking. I wasn't expecting it at all which made it that much more difficult to read and accept. I actually got chills while reading the last part of the story. I will admit I get emotional a lot but I didn't expect it with this. However, when I read those last couple paragraphs, my breath caught and the chills came. So, thank for doing that. Feeling emotion is necessary while reading a story. Always remember that. It makes it much more real.

The last thing I loved was seeing McGonagall vulnerable. Like I said before, the readers of HP are used to seeing her tough and strict and without much emotion. In this story, though, we see her in a new light. It makes her human. It makes her real. And that is lovely.

Overall, this was an awesome plot with a great love story. Although there are multiple things that could be improved on, I would recommend this story to anyone! I am giving this a 6/10 because I feel the positives can outweigh the negatives. By going back and rereading/editing the story will improve greatly. Thank you for requesting and keep up the great work!

- Kaitlin

Author's Response: Kaitlyn,

Thank you for the review. Sorry, I'm buried in research and reading and whatnot. I haven't avioded you. That's what I get for studying literatures. Well, I like that you are a honest critic. I agree with you on most grounds, but I have to say that grammatically on the comma thing, that's completely right. Not meaning to be a grammar snob, but I defend that. I have studied a few courses in language history, so I know the importance of revision. i'm not foolish enough to say that I'm never wrong. I agree on the alcohol part wholeheardedly, and that needs to change if and when I get the time. I like that you enjoyed the ending.

Thank you for the review,

SP


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Review #5, by MrsKatieGrint The Voice

13th March 2010:
Awww... How sad. I really liked Leo.
This really was a great story though. I loved how detailed it was, how emotional it was, and how much imagery was in this story. This is a wonderful story and was beautiful from the begining to the end. Gread job. I really enjoyed this! :D

Author's Response: Thank you for your compliments. This will be revised.

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Review #6, by Alopex The Voice

13th March 2010:
To be honest, I was really put off by the italicization (if that's a proper word) of the majority of this story. I know you italicized everything that was in the past and only had present time in normal font, but started going a bit cross-eyed by the time I reached the present time. Given your divisions to show time change anyway, I think you could put it all in normal font without losing losing anything.

Voice: This isn't something that stood out to me strongly. I do think your style as an author came through well, though. I particularly enjoyed your word choice, which was strong. Also, the way you wrote this piece gave it an overall slightly old-fashioned feeling (consistent with McGonagall), as well as a hazy, distant one, as if the reader is watching all this through a rainy window.

Characterization: I found McGonagall to be well-done, for the most part. I liked that you showed her being more uncertain and impulsive as a young woman, but she seems to become more sure of herself as the story progresses. You managed to round out her character in a way I found convincing. I also found Leo to be quite fascinating, although I did find him perplexing.

Plot: Well, it took me a while to catch on. I was confused at first. I'm still not sure what the whole point was. To show McGonagall's semi-unrequited love affair with an OC? Perhaps if there had been more background on Leo, it would have made more sense to me. I just feel like there are missing pieces in this story, gaps that I don't understand. This story might do better if it was expanded into a short story. You have plenty of room to expand it, if you want to.

Flow: I already said I found the italics distracting. I also wasn't crazy about the time jumps. They were abrupt, and it wasn't until the second jump that I realized you were going to keep on jumping further ahead. There are so many he's and she's in this story that it's a bit difficult to keep track at times, and with those abrupt time changes, I struggled to keep up.

However, despite my confusion, I liked the story. The way you construct sentences is beautiful, so the reading experience was quite pleasant. Also, the mood of the story sucked me in. The whole thing has atmosphere . . . presence. You're a good writer.

Author's Response: Sorry for taking so long to respond. Yes, I agree that the italics are confusing and that should be fixed when I get the time. The whole thing needs revision. Thanks for your help. I might re-post revision if it gets done. Thanks or the review.

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Review #7, by a potter po The Voice

10th March 2010:
Hi! Here's Appo with your "return favour" review. Thankyou again for your review on my story "Redemption".

I applaud your choice of main character - not many people write Minerva McGonagall, and you did it convincingly too. Your strength in writing lies in your character descriptions and plot. However, your writing can be difficult to followand a bit tedious, giving the impression that someone is writing from a non english-as-first language background. If english really is not your first language though, you're doing really well! My advice is see if you can go through your writing once, cull any unnecessary words from your sentences, see if you can say what you want to say in fewer words and more to the point. Also, the story jumps so fast it gets difficult to follow, for example, when I read this:

Jasper wrapped his arms around her shoulders. “I love you.”

“Yes, I know,” she said, squeezing his hand. “Go have fun with friends. Congratulations. Happy birthday.”

“Oh, my gift? You are the best.” Jasper drummed his fingers on her shoulders. “Rum and coke? I love the shot glasses. You surprised me. I had to tell my roommates it was from Dad.”


I got really confused. I seemed to fast a jump from Minerva meeting a stranger and his kid on the road to this grown up kid called Jasper saying "I love you" to Minerva. I had to do a double take to see whether it was Leo Jasper was talking to, or was it Leo who was talking to Minerva, and how old is Jasper at the moment ... etc.

Despite this, I think this story is great reading, especially your ending of this story was great in the build up of emotions. Well done!

If you are interested in continuing to "swap" reviews in the future you know where to find me : )

Author's Response: Thank you for the review. The whole Jasper thing? You're totally validated there. That scene needs revision. Well, all of it does, really, but that scene in particular. It is difficult to folow and is in the process of being revised.

Thank you


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Review #8, by dracos_hotter The Voice

10th March 2010:
Here from the forums!

My, my. I always wondered if she ever ventured into the world of love...

And I guess she did.

Grammar/spellings/technicalities-wise, this is pretty perfect. No niggles there.

Some of the wording made it a little hard to follow, but that might have been my lack of sleep recently.

All in all very admirable.

xE

Author's Response: Thanks. I actually did notice a few things, but I'm fixing them. No, my wording is horrible through the first drafts of anything, it's not your sleep deprivation. Thanks for your help. I appreciate it,

sleeping paige


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Review #9, by melian The Voice

10th March 2010:
Hi! Here with your review!

You know the drill by now, inner critic first and story discussion after. And I noticed a couple of things in this fic:
"They missed so much, although they claimed they lived by hectic lives." I think you have an extraneous word here, the word "by" is unnecessary and the sentence would probably read better if it was removed.
I also think that the following sentence (fragment) could do with more anchoring: "He paced a small area ..." - in the bit immediately prior you've been talking about McGonagall's view of Muggles generally, so maybe using "The man paced a small area" would push the reader back to the situation that caused those musings.

As far as word use goes, the plural of the word "passerby" is "passersby", so as you are referring to more than one person in that opening paragraph you may wish to do an edit there. Equally, in the next paragraph the following sentence could do with a tweak: "She straightened her cloak and watched him for another moment before getting up for her bench" - I think you mean FROM her bench. And, finally, still in that paragraph, you started out using a quote mark around "homeless weirdoes" but the second, concluding quote mark isn't there.

More word choice issues: "drizzling race" instead of, I think you mean, "drizzling rain", "backdoor" I think should be two words, and the phrase "write me" or "write you" are particularly North American. An English person would be more likely to say "write to me". And as I've been pulled up by British readers on my own use of words with regard to Madam Rosmerta, I think that if you want to sound more authentic you should maybe use "landlady" instead of "barmaid". And while I'm on word usage, it might read better if Leo took a "mouthful" of soup rather than a "bite" - biting isn't generally an action associated with soup, no matter how chunky it is.

And here's a sentence that I think is supposed to be a question: "How did he answer the stares and question." I think you mean "questions?" for the end bit. I could be wrong, of course, but that's how it makes more sense.

Right. Enough of that, and I'm SO sorry that I picked up on so much! It's just that it feels like you put a lot of effort into this fic and it seemed a shame to have that effort detracted from by a couple of typos. Now to your story.

I liked this. I like the idea of McGonagall having this subtle, secret life, even if it's a long friendship / strange relationship rather than a grand passion. After all, the grand passion thing doesn't work for everyone. I liked how they met and how it felt so completely strange for her to even be reacting this way, but she went with her instincts anyway. We don't often see McGonagall as being impulsive but I think it fits her in some strange way.

The move to the Three Broomsticks, I admit, confused me a little. I think it was because you gave such a detailed description of what Madam Rosmerta was doing that, when you started referring to "she", I thought you meant her rather than McGonagall. Perhaps just an insertion of the Professor's name in that early bit would make it a bit clearer to the reader. I also had this problem when Rosmerta brings the drink over towards the end of that scene - I wasn't always sure if it was her talking or McGonagall. Of course, it could be my sleep-and-caffeine-deprived state talking here, but it might be something worth looking at.

As far as characterisation goes, I think you've got everyone pretty well, from what we know of them at least. For someone who's in the canon an awful lot we don't actually know much about McGonagall, and this is a very believable portrayal of her. I especially enjoyed (well, that may not be the right word, but you know what I mean) the final scene, with her disbelief and trying to argue against what she couldn't deal with. I also liked your characterisation of Rosmerta and, very briefly, Dumbledore and Hermione. Leo and Jasper, of course, are OCs so you've got free rein with them, but they're consistent and believable (which is what I look for in an OC) and that's more than I can say for some others I've seen.

Voice is good, though like I said it's not always clear who you're referring to, so a bit of an edit here and there would probably make things a bit plainer. As for flow, well no complaints at all on that score. It wasn't jerky and there weren't huge gaps in the narrative, and it didn't feel disjointed at all - which, again, I can't say for all stories.

Overall, a very well-written one-shot. I think you've got quite a talent.

cheers, Mel

Author's Response: Mel,

The Voice. The grammar things? When I read this I was so frustrated that I had been so stupid to miss all of this. Simple stuff. Anyway, it has all been fixed and thank you for being nit-picky. No, if we're going to write, we need to be told of the stupid errours. Thsnks.

What else? This one hasn't been looked over 50,000 times by my eyes, so the errours in voice are there. With two people, I try to just say it in dialogue, but msybe it should have said 'she said' whenever. It is jerky, but in my head, I was covering time and I didn't know how to do it well enough.

All valid points. I appreciate it.

SP


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