I really love this story, and I love your writing. I've been like rereading the chapters over and over again! hope you update son(: Report Review
This is a really fun story!! I love reading it! Please update soon! Gotta love the 'Puffs! Report Review
Yeah, I definitely didn't see that coming. I was guessing Slytherin. So is Peyton secretly a fluffy little bunny, or is this dear sweet Helga taking on another reject?
>“Now,” Jordan walked up to the portrait and then turned around to face us, a devious grin on his face. “I’ll show all of you firsties how to get in.”
You have to take off all your clothes and do a little dance.
Peyton sure loves talking about how she doesn't like friends and how annoying Conan is, while still hanging out with him constantly. The shortarse doth protest too much, methinks.
I like Conan. He's all huggable. I can't figure out how he's going to be the next Dark Lord and all "I cannot kill my friend!" [to minion] "You. Kill my friend." I was puzzled about the Unbreakable Vow when I saw it in the OC Workshop, but having seen it in action I think it makes sense - Conan's believably mad enough about magic to do Unbreakable Vows for the hell of it, and it is the sort of thing you'd suggest as a harmless Unbreakable Vow for a kid to make (if you were silly enough to do so.)
You know I went all through this looking for some grammar to correct and all I found was this. Obviously you proofread way better than I do.
>“Wa’ever ‘ou say.” I wrinkled my nose in distaste.
Kind of makes it sound like it's Peyton misplacing her consonants.
Anyway, I really like it. I can't wait to see where it's headed. Report Review
Okay, that was unexpected:D I was so certain she would be in Gryffindor...
I have to say, I didn't like Peyton that much during this chapter. She's always so negative about everything and everyone...It will be interesting to see how her life in Hogwarts goes on.
Again, sorry for the delay! It's a great story, I wish I had discovered it earlier. I hope I was able to answer some of your questions, if not, don't hesitate to contact me!
Miriel Report Review
Ah...Such a cliffy:)
I do believe she will be sorted into Gryffindor...Hufflepuff wouldn't suit her. But that's just my opinion:)
I forgot to mention last time, Hoenheim is a simply hilarious name for a cat...But it's something typical Conan to do...
I really liked Neville's reaction on Colin. It must have been hard for him, because Colin is apparently named after his former friend.
The changes in the school's tradiotions are very fitting as well. That integrated house table will be used much, I suppose:)
Miriel Report Review
Ha...Peyton finally came to know the people Conan was so exited about.
You asked me wether you pictured the kids well. I think you did an exellent job!
Rose is a lot like Hermione. A little bossy, but still kind to people that she likes. Albus is like he's described in the epilogue. Shy, melancholic, and very worried about what house he will be in.
Personally I liked Scorpius most. He's a lot like his father, but I loved that statemet about chocolate frogs...Great. He has a really special sense of humor, like Peyton.
Hm, what will happen in Hogwarts? And what house will they end up in?
Miriel Report Review
Hm, that's an interesting question for a nine year old girl. As if she knows something about her best friend's future.
I think Conan is a bit creepy...But I'm sure you describe him that way on purpose. He exaggerates a bit with making an Unbreakable Vow.
Still, I can't understand how Teddy could agree into becoming a Bonder for an Unbreakable Vow between tow nine year old children...Is he really that immature? He will surely regret that later...
I really like the way you slowly introduce Harry, Ron and their families into the story. They will get interesting as soon as Peyton and Conan enter Hogwarts.
Great second chapter!
Miriel Report Review
You probably thought I had forgotten you...But here I am with your review. Again, I'm so sorry it took me nearly three weeks to answer your request...
First, the name Peyton is really great...I never heard it before:D But it suits her weird sense of humor. There's a German author named Patrick Süskind, did you know that? He wrote a book that is a bit.crazy.^^ It's called "The Perfume". It just crossed my mind when I read about her name first:D
I'm really exited what strange kid tried to be the next Voldemort...Oh, and I hope Peyton won't die!!!
You definitley don't have to worry about this story not being funny enough. Although you describe a serious situation, it's still hilarious. And it's a nice introduction into her character...I'm curious to learn more about her.
I'll gon reading now:)
Miriel Report Review
Hey Akabara, It's Broomsticks from the forums here with your review!
I really love the OC narrator of your story. She has a lot of personality, and seems like a strong and likeable OC - definately not a Mary-Sue. She's very funny and fiesty, and her sense of humour makes the story fun to read and it's amusing seeing the world through her eyes.
The tone was great, I love the humour as I said before. Also, I like the casual tone and language. It fits the narrator, as we're seeing it through her eyes. I like the relaxed tone she is "speaking" to us in, just watch out that it doesn't get too casual (Don't get me wrong! It isn't too casual, just saying look out for that in future! :D)
The detail was good. There wasn't a lot of description of surroundings, but I don't think that is really the style of this story. But your description of everything that was going on was great, I was never confused. You wrote what was happening clearly but it flowed well.
Characters, Characters. Well, I've already talked about your main character so I'll talk about Conan now.
Conan seems believable, he acts like a nine year old kid and I think he's enjoyment of magic is very realistic. Plus his ethusiasm. You described what he looked like physically as well, so I know what the character looks like! I liked the backgroud you gave about his parents running a restaurant, and Conan's little back story as I thought that added realism too! His emotions and language seemed pretty spot on for a nine year old I thought! It seems you have a great understanding of the character. I loved loved loved this bit:
"“I don’t handle Peyton,” he said gravely in one of his weird sort-of-serious moments, “If anything, she handles me.”"
I think that really made me fall in love with his character. He just seems so interesting. That weird change of mood and character sets him up to be the kind of guy to go crazy. I'm intrigued :)
Teddy seemed fun and I liked your characterization of him. He was great at being with the kids - and the kind of patronizing, teasing but loving tone he used with them. He seemed fun and stayed in character through out the whole chapter - I really loved his character!
The dialogue was very realistic, nothing seemed out of place. They sounded like nine year olds to each other, and everything was believable. I think I loved Teddy's interactions with them most, just because the speech and the moments seemed so real. :)
I think the plot is very interesting and the prologue is definately attention grabbing. I'm very interested to see where this goes, the protagonist is very likeable and I want to find out what happens!
Oh yeah and your grammer seemed all fine to me, no tense switches or anything. I wasn't on the look out for grammar mistakes, but I didn't notice anything apart from:
"“Neither am I, Peyton!" which was probabley supposed to be "Neither do I". Apart from that I didn't spot anything, which is great - thank you so much, I love people who proof read!!
I hope this review was helpful, even though it was horribly late. I really enjoyed reading this! Thanks for posting. :)
~ Broomsticks/TallestTower Report Review
Hey Akabara! So I have the feeling that I shouldn't be writing you a review, but instead write you an apology letter for how late this review is. But I'm finally here! I'm very very sorry about the wait.
I really like the tone. Peyton's humour and personality come across straight away, and she seems like a very strong and individual OC. I love the humour in here. I'm going to write your real review in the first chapter, but this is just a mini one for the prologue.
I think the prologue is great and grabs the reader's attention. The style in which it's written makes me want to read on. I like how the story is supposed to be her life flashing before her eyes - very creative!
Alright then, I'm off to review the first chapter. :) Report Review
Hello, WeasleyTwins here to review. You asked for a review on March 16 and I'm here on June 4. I can offer no excuses other than my college work is overwhelming and incredibly important to me. I am sorry. But, now I'm here and I am going to review as requested.
Okay, I'm going to be straight with you. I am not overly harsh and I won't bash you, but I am going to be honest. I won't lollygag around either. I will give this to you like I feel you should get it as a writer. I understand what it's like to be a writer - we all want praise and we all need criticism, whether we want it or not. Now, onto my review before I get carried away.
What do you think of the main character? Absolutely hilarious! Now, I have to admit, I was getting worried that you were going to go overboard with the wit. Be that as it may, Peyton is /real/ - she knows what is going on and that if she is dying, well, she is dying with all the wit she possesses. I like that, I admire that. You know why I admire that? Here's where I'm straight with you. I was in a car accident a few months ago and I thought, just for a split second, that we were going to die. But, I stayed true to myself, my personality. I refused to let go of my steering wheel and I did everything in my power to save all four of our lives. As the truck flipped, everyone was silent except for me. I was screaming, "No! No! Not today!" I wasn't going out without a fight. That's me. Okay, the point I'm trying to make is that I believe your characterization is remarkable. I love it. Your character is true to herself and I can RELATE to that. When a reader can relate to a character, a writer has done their job.
Is the story interesting? I have one answer for you: If you don't reply to this review and then ask for another, I might cry myself to sleep for the next week. It has intrigued me because your characterization is so fantastic. I want to know why! Why? Why!
Is the OC narrator okay? OCs are perfectly fine. I believe that an OC gives an author a way to express themselves more openly in the world of HPFF. It is hard to make a name for yourself in fanfiction because you are following in the footsteps of a great writer. With an OC, you have free reign to do as you please within the HP world. I think it was an excellent choice for the story.
Original? I can't make a judgment on that until a few more chapters in, really. In my opinion, the term original encompasses many things and I haven't had the opportunity to grasp anymore of the story.
Do you find it humerous? Absolutely hilarious. Our computer room is right beside my parents' room, and it took all of my willpower not to wake them I was laughing so hard. I will be giggling all night trying to get to sleep! You have nothing to worry about, I assure you!
Overall impression? Great start and I believe if you stay on track and keep your focus, you will have a fantastic story ahead of you.
Shelby :]] Report Review
This story is going great; I hate to say it, but so often you get requests in review threads for stories that just aren't written that well, and need the reviews. This, however, is something I will definitely continue reading in the future, when I get a little spare time. I can enjoy a good fluffy story any day, and I love a good horror, and this combines the two into a well-plotted comedy. Nice work.
I was a little surprised at Peyton, however. Her thoughts and maturity in general suggested she was at least a few years older than Conan, but they were the same age. She may have been mature because she grew up with no parents, but Conan just seems like a baby next to her. I'm not sure if that's intentional or not, but it is something to look at.
I was surprised at first that a young adult like Teddy would actually allow two little kids to make an Unbreakable Vow, but he did sound immature (I liked the nickname "little miss") and to his credit he did have a good idea for the vow. It almost feels like something people would do normally in the wizarding world, to ensure friends don't turn enemies or something.
Nice work on this; it's fun to read and even more fun to get to know Peyton. Keep it up!
~lllb Report Review
Hey, this was an excellent start! It's a really engaging read so far; it's funny AND got a plot, so you're two for two right there. Your narrator is enjoyable, so I can tell this will be a good story. And your plot, as I can see it from this prologue and your summary, looks great.
Yes, your summary. It dragged me in immediately and is lots of fun. However, the "Just read the story. It's much easier." part was not so good. While it's in line with your character's personality, a reader might not get that and it sounds far too much like those people who write "I stink at summaries, just read to find out" as their summary. So changing that last bit would make a world of difference.
My only other suggestion is to take out the part where Peyton discusses her (his? Sorry) sense of humor. It's like the class clown saying "I'm funny," or "that was a joke"; there's no need to say it, and it ruins the mood. I liked the dry 'til the end part, but other than that it was a little off-putting.
So far the mood and plot are great. It's looking like a good start.
~lllb Report Review
Musiclover here :)
So I don't think I've ever read a story like this before! I was a little confused when Teddy agreed to dothe spell because I thoouhgt, with him being older, he would understand the consequences.
Other then that slight problem I really don't see anything wrong with the plot.
I think you have done a good job as staying on canon and your oc's are brill
I like the whole placement twist, really added some spunk to the story :)
Overall, Good Job Report Review
Hey! Here with your review!
I like the start to your story. You have a good, firm grasp on your character. Though, I do have to agree with what Sarah (harrylilyjames) said. That most people would sort of freak out if they found out that they were dying, not really have a sense of humor about it. Though, maybe that would be a good thing. I don't know.
Other than that, I didn't really see anything wrong. Great job!
xx Report Review
Hey there! doratonks14 from the forums here with your requested review! :) Since you had a lot of specific questions, I'm just gonna focus on those, since they pretty much cover everything I would have said in the first place.
OC - I like Peyton! I think my favorite thing was her sending Conan in to wash his hands before making The Unbreakable Vow. Or her realization that even in death she maintained her dry humor. I think that makes her more real and very likable. As a narrator, she is great, but sometimes its a little disconcerting to realize that she's sorta talking to the reader. I know that its hard to write from the perspective of a 9 year old if you're not nine though, and I thought that you did a good job with it.
Is the story interesting? - I think that the premise for this story is very interesting, especially the idea of him becoming the next Dark Lord, as per your summary. Already, you've set Conan up to be obsessive about magic and that last line in this chapter was slightly eerie and chilling. I'm not that far into it yet, but I think you have a lot to work with here, and I'm definitely intrigued.
Next-gen kids - Well, we've only met Teddy so far, though I did chuckle a few times at all of his hair/eye changes. The only thing I found slightly unrealistic was how easily he agreed to perform the Unbreakable Vow for two nine year olds though. I would have thought that he would have been a little bit more cautious - though maybe that's just the Tonks in him. Still, for the purpose of this story it works and I'm glad he had the sense at least to try to give them something that would never be a problem. :)
Humorous - Yeah, I got a few good laughs out of this. Like I said, I nearly died laughing when Peyton sent Conan back in to wash his hands. Though that is probably because I'm a mysophobe and could see myself doing that. Still, the dry humor is really well worked in and I liked it alot. Even when she was dying last chapter she was funny, and I thought it was VERY realistic about how she was feeling all of that stuff. Sort of an out of body experience. Very well done.
Overall, generally I have a hard time with OC centric works, but this isn't hard for me to follow and I liked it. Grammar wise it was excellent too, which is always nice. Feel free to drop by my thread again and request another two chapters when I have a slot open. :) Report Review
Hi again! :) So I'm in love with your OC's I think they are so adorable. Teddy O.O I did not see that coming I always thought of him as the responsible one just like Remus. But then again we have no idea about his personality so he's like an OC with a name. :P
I'm just a teensy bit unsure about one thing. Is Peyton raised by her brother? Sorry if it's obvious ^^ I like the idea of Peyton not really fussed about who Harry is. The way you tie in the canon epilogue characters while mantaining your own OC's I think is flawless.
I like your writing style especially the whole foreshadowing you have going on. Especially the last line: "He loved magic, I sometimes thought, a little bit too much." I think that was my favorite line. You have a few run on lines, for example: "Conan had asked to poor guy about a million questions about Auror work, magic in general, and Harry, who the man apparently knew really well."
10/10Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!
;_; Really? You really like them? :D
Lol really? For some reason, I imagined Teddy like a Next Gen. marauder, not at all like his awesome studious dad. More lighthearted like his mom. I have seen that people make him more like Remus, though. Everyone has different ideas about the Next Gen. kids, I suppose.
Yes, Peyton was raised (since age six) by her older brother Brent. Her parents died (probably from a sickness lol I haven't really thought about how). It wasn't made too obvious at all. It was just kind of implied.
Lol Peyton couldn't care less about Harry. Well, maybe if he fired Brent or something she might be interested in speaking to him... :P And thanks, I did want to mention the canon epilogue kids a bit so that people would know about who was going to be showing up.
Yeah, I spent FOREVER on that line until it finally seemed right. I love foreshadowing and cliffhangers, so I try to use them as much as I can lol.
Hmm... I do tend to use too many commas, which sometimes result in run-ons. I should definitely go back and see if I can take them out of my writing. :)
Thanks for the reviews!
^^ I like it it seems really interesting :) Since this is only the prologue I'm going to start your two reviews from the next chapter onwards. I thought it was only fair. :) Butbut I still have some comments on here. Since everything is in first person it's better when no one is talking things like “life flashing before your eyes” and “damn- she’s not gonna make it?” to write them like this: 'life flashing before your eyes' and 'damn- she's not gonna make it?'
But otherwise I don't see anything else that needs correcting. It seems so interesting now :)
-RainbowVeinsAuthor's Response: Hello! Thanks for reviewing.
Haha I sure HOPE it's interesting. xD
Oh, that makes sense. Since quotation marks make it seem like they're being spoken. Thanks! I'll go fix that. ;)
Thanks for the review and great rating! :3
My last review! )):
But I'll probably be back. Hopefully. If you keep writing.. :P
Once again, your characterization was sensational- I honestly don't think that will ever be a problem, but I always speak too soon. *sigh*
I only found a few little grammar errors that could be easily fixed, just do a careful run-through and it should be swell!
I can tell the interaction between Peyton and Camille's will be positively delightful! But I'm sad to hear that Peyton's parent's are dead- I suppose I didn't really pick up on that in the earlier chapters.
This is a wonderful start to what is sure to be a sensational story; I can't wait to see how it progresses!
Please feel free to re-request anytime! :D
JesiAuthor's Response: Thanks for all of your great reviews!
I'll definitely keep writing this. No question there. Chapter five just needs to be submitted into the queue. ;)
>_< I sure hope that the characterization stays good.
Yeah, this is my most recent chapter, so I haven't had the chance to go back and edit like I have with the others. Thanks for the heads up.
:D You mentioned Camille! She's certainly going to have fun with Peyton. Yeah, Peyton is parentless. She never really knew them, though, which is why she doesn't make a big deal of it.
Thanks for all of the encouraging reviews, and I'll definitely re-request! ;3
This was another positively hilarious chapter, and you ended it very nicely with your shiny cliffhanger. :P
I caught a few tiny errors:
'"Your da got saved by the giant squid? Seriously, mate?" Colin nodded vigorously, miffed at being doubted.' --> I think you maybe meant to say 'Ira nodded vigorously, miffed at being doubted.' It makes more sense. (:
Other than that, it was perfect! Once again, the characterization was great- even with the new characters who don't seem to be too important at the moment. You inter-weaved her fears quite nicely, and even mentioned the fact the she's a little scared to be lonely. Quirks and flaws are super-duper-necessary for a great story with solid characters, but you seem to understand that already!
JesiAuthor's Response: Thanks!
:3 Yes, my cliffhanger was quite shiny. Thank you for noticing.
Hmm... actually, that line's how it should be. You see, Ira said that line there. I should probably go back and put an "Ira said" in there and make "Colin nodded vigorously" a new line. It was pretty confusing. ^_^'
Peyton is quite scared to be alone, and I'm glad you didn't think I was all like "HEY LOOK SHE'S SCARED RAWR" and that I "inter-weaved" them. :) Haha she's certainly a quirky character... and definitely flawed, like all of us.
Thanks for the review! >_<
Okay, so, I'm absolutely smitten with your story.
It's seriously good. ((:
I LOVE all of your characters, and you did an excellent job with making them detailed and unique individuals. There definitely isn't a threat of shallow characterization with you.
I absolutely adore Peyton and Scorpius, they're lovely. :D (And I'm serious- I'm not being sarcastic, I really do love them)
JesiAuthor's Response: Thanks for reviewing!
*sparkly eyes* Really? ;_; I'm so glad.
The characters are quite... unique lol. Thank you for loving them. I'm sure all of them appreciate it. (well, I can't really tell with Scorpius... let's just assume)
:D You like Peyton? Huzzah! She's quite easy to like or dislike. Maybe I should keep a tally on how many people like her or not lol!
Thanks again for the reviews!
Nice foreshadowing there at the end! (:
I liked this chapter too, you worked in their characteristics quite smoothly. Peyton having diabetes was very original, and the details you used were very accurate- so good job on that!
The flow and grammar of this one was good too. (: You have an excellent vocabulary!
Onto the next chapter~
Thanks for the review!
Glad you liked it! Apparently diabetes is original, because no one seems to have seen it before lol! ^_^'
:D Yay! I do try to learn new words to use in writing.
Thanks again for the review!
~AKABARA Report Review
Jesi here with your requested review! C:
Sorry it took so long! ): I went on an unexpected trip and I didn't have internet all weekend. But I'm here now! :D
On with your review:
Excellent start, your flow was great and you really caught my attention with the fact that they were dying. It's not really clear (in this chapter) whether 'they' are male or female, but seeing as it's only the Prologue I guess it's not a critical point. (:
Your main character seems pleasant so far (besides the fact that they're dying) and I am looking forward to getting to know them better in the next few chapters!
JesiAuthor's Response: Thanks for reviewing!
Oh, that's no problem at all. I hope you had fun on your trip. :)
Glad it had good flow and that it caught your attention. Someone dying is pretty interesting lol.
Oh, as for gender, it says, "as told by Peyton Suskind herself." That's the only time it tells you the gender, and it's easy to miss, though.
WAHAHA pleasant. Sorry, but as I'm sure you see later in the story, little Peyton is far from pleasant. She turns into quite a good person, though, and that's how she is shown in this chapter.
Thanks again for the review!
~AKABARA Report Review
Very nice. We are starting to see more of the other personalities of the other students. Again, the development seems a bit slow, but the characters you derived from characters from JKR was well done. You kept a 10/10 review from me and got me interested in following the story (though whether or not I do more good reviews depends on whether I have time). Good job and I hope to see more of these characters.Author's Response: Thanks for all five reviews!
:D Yes, the other students are starting to take shape.
Yeah, I'm certainly taking my time, aren't I? xD
So glad you think that my canon characters were "well done." I'm incredibly paranoid about messing them up. >_>
Thanks sooo much for the fantastic rating and all of your encouraging reviews!
~AKABARA Report Review
Leaving a cliff hanger. Excellent strategy. Well, I can't blame you for still introducing and not really going into plot. So, I will give you a 10/10 because your writing is flawless.Author's Response: Thanks! (again!!)
Oh, cliff hangers. How I love thee... :P
Yeah, still in the introductory stages. Hopefully chapter six and seven will start picking things up. (new year and all that...)
;_; Thanks so much for the amazing rating and the wonderful review!
~AKABARA Report Review
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