I really enjoyed this story, both the pairing and the descriptions. The pace was nice too. great job.Author's Response: Thanks so much for your lovely review! :) Report Review
This is good. Until recently, I never really thought about this ship, if you want to call it that, but it only makes sense, if they are roughly the same age, for them to have gone to school together, same as with Hagrid. I've always been curious as to these areas in their lives.
Good job!Author's Response: Thank you for the lovely review! I know, I've always wanted more information from JK about that era! Report Review
Wow the way you wrote this was brilliantly-it's given me so much inspiration. I've always wanted to write a Tom/Minerva one shot but I haven't had the will to try. So I might just give it a go! But about your story, the ending was the best! It was very emotional and the way you used some repitition made it slowly sink in. The P.O.V was something I'd never read apart from Goosebump books where you make the story so the POV was pretty new to me. Yet it made it much more enjoyable as it gave more of a mysterious feeling about it. Tom Riddle's character was captured perfectly as was Minerva's.
LpF123 xxAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! You should definitely give it a go, the pairing has so much dramatic potential. Report Review
Typically I'm not a big fan of second person stories, but I think you make this one work well. I like the way you show the various stages in Tom/Minerva's development, subtly showing them as they evolve. To me, the end was very chilling. I like the symbol of the angel! :)Author's Response: Haha, I know second person stories aren't for everyone. I didn't like them at all when I first started reading ff, but there are some excellent ones out there (mine not included). I'm really glad you enjoted it :D. I was going to write just about one section in their relationship, but it's too hard to write in just a snapshot. Their relationship, for me, has so many levels, and is very dysfunctional, which you get more of a sense of through the evolution. I'm really glad you liked the ending too :D. Thanks for the lovely review! Report Review
Hey Becca! I can definitely see the parallels between this and King Me. The structure is the same but you have a much simpler style of writing. It really sets you apart from Gubby and is not necessarily a bad thing. There were parts of this that I really liked. The part where Tom crushes her paper angel and the part where Minerva talks about her bun. Both are great because we see Tom's sick character shine through and we can relate to the bun as it was established in canon. It shows us that this is the same Minerva that we've read in the real books. However even though she is the same Minerva that we see in the books, we can tell she is much younger. Which is great of course. I suppose the main thing that I didn't like is that you left so much unsaid. I want more more more! Where's the build-up? The crushing details that lead us to the climax? I'm not seeing them. Indeed the climax was great (Tom crushing the paper angel) but the fanfare was lacking. That's alright though, if you wanted to give us the bare bones then you succeeded. Overall this was a good write aesthetically but I must admit that I find it a tad forgettable. It's like a movie I don't mind watching over and over but I don't need to pay attention because there's not much to pay attention too. Great background noise. I'll look up from my work for the really good parts and throughly enjoy them, that's for sure, but I will happily ignore the rest. I hope that you don't take this too much to heart, I'm not a very good writer myself. It's just my opinion.Author's Response: I've already PMed you about this, but thank you for the review :D. Of course I'm not offended! Report Review
Becca! I'm dreadfully sorry, dear for the terribly long wait! I know this must be the third time I've apologized, but I thought I'd have managed my real life better :(. Well, I'm here now!
Ah! Present tense AND second narration! Such a breath of fresh air! I think you captured the style quite well :) I felt very present in the story. May I inquire as to your decision in writing from a second person's narration? Is there a meaning of any kind behind it? I really do think that your use of second person gives your Tom/Minerva spice of originality from the rest of the pack ^_^.
Your description was also good...in parts you probably could have gone into it a bit more, like describing the setting of the third scene, to sort of allow the reader to be immersed in YOUR vision, you know? :) One thing I'd like to point out though is that from my perspective, I caught a little unwarranted repetition, like "chill your bones", even some of your syntax uses like "floating"...I just felt like I've only recently just read something similar. But it was only here and there that caught my eye, and it's just personal picking. Never fear! You are still a gifted writer! :D
To get back to the way you wrote this story, I just love some of the impact your sentences made. My favorite lines were the last lines of the first four sections. They just had such kapowness to them, especially after the long flowing sentences. I particularly loved the "There's something tragic of an angel with paper wings." line.
When it comes to characterization, I loved how you injected those bits that seemed to come straight from Minerva's mind, you could feel her personality pulsing through. I sort of wished you could have defined Tom's character a little more - like focus on a feature throughout the fic, like his hands or his eyes that keeps us in that thrall Minerva feels :). But his personality, I think you got him downpat. I could definitely see him studying Muggle wars.
Your pace, flow, and order was also very good. I loved that in the way you did the chronologically backwards method, that paper angel was sort of going back to being born, so to speak. Although in this regard, the mention fo the quill at the end seemed rather random, but nonetheless fitting for his Muggle disdain ^_^ I just wish I knew the significance compared with the paper angel.
Overall, Becca, I really enjoyed reading it! =D It's no wonder you're gifted!
KristenAuthor's Response: Well, I'M sorry for the ridiculously long time in replying. I've just been putting it off, because long reviews, such as yours, scare me :P. I don't know where to start replying!
Haha, I felt I needed a challenge ;). Second person wasn't for any particular reason, I just feel I've done third to death, and first didn't work very well with this story. Plus, second really makes it flow well, and I felt it would enable the reader to identify with Minerva.
Yeah, I've gone back and fleshed out some of the sections. I'm terrible for not going into enough detail. Haha, thanks for pointing that out :D. Aww, thanks lovely :D. I tried to make the beginning and ending of each section have a little more impact, just to make them individual sections.
Tom's lack of characterisation was deliberate, because it's told through Minerva, and she hasn't got to grips with his character either. What you read is how she sees him.
It's actually forwatd chronology now, and I think it works better this way.
Thanks dear! Haha, I don't think I deserve Gifted :P. Report Review
This is a beautiful collection. I could say a lot about it all, but I'm going to wait to the end to do thast. Instead, I'm going to review each part separately. I hope that's okay!
My biggest problem here is that it starts off *too* pretty, if you get what I mean. I felt like you flowered a lot of description of that may have been better if you made it simpler. But that is only at the beginning, and only for this part, since all the others are done wonderfully. Even with this, it doesn't really distract from the story enough for me to really complain. I would like to say, though, I would have preferred the meeting to have more build up, but once you had them meet, you set up their relationship very well, so it was easy to see the dynamics in it very fast.
I loved the repetiton of words in sentences, such as "you are weak, so weak" to put empathisis. Repetition like that is one of my personal loves, so I really enjoyed it, and you did it so well. However, there was one bit - the "his face contorts in rage and pain" that got to me, since you say a few sentences/paragraphs on "his contorting in rage", which stemmed the flow for me, because I noticed it. Just changing it a bit might help.
I also liked how this ended - the quiet victory for Tom, who revels in delight of it all, but not boasting. It makes him almost more despicable, which I think you were probably aiming for. If you were, you definitely suceeded. I loved how Minerva was represented by the crumpled paper angel. I felt really sorry for her, almost embarassed for how she had fallen, the shame she must be feeling. Poor Minerva.
This short contained my favourite line of the whole story; "breath pours from your lips". Such beautiful imagery, I imagine it like fog dribbling out of her mouth. I really liked this, it got my imagination going. I also liked her inner-conflict; "The idea of him being thousands of miles away from you should not seem so attractive." She's struggling with herself. She doesn't want to be with him, but it's almost as if she feels it is her duty? Or perhaps that is just my interpretation of this line, but I loved it nonetheless. I also feel like she's too weak to resist him, too weak to say no to him. You always leave me wondering how he decieved her.
"You will not give him the satisfaction of distracting you."
I like how all these stories have the common theme of her resisting Tom. And although she partially wins here, it's more like Tom just cannot be bothered with her. If he had stayed, she probably would have gotten distracted eventually. I do kind of wonder about the between-scenes, how Tom comes to have the angel. Does she give it to him? Or is that what she means by "what does it mean?" at the beginning, I wonder. This is what I'm enjoying about the vignettes; they leave me thinking about the two of them, how they work, what it's like for them.
II & I
You seem to have a running characterisation for Minerva which I've spotted here that I like; the fact she seems to touch her hair when she sees him. Such a self-concious habit, even if she pretends she doesn't care about him. It's very subtle, very well placed. I like little things like that, they make me very happy to find in stories, aha. I also loved his fascination for war that you've kept running. Very clever. It makes you think about how intelligent Tom was/is, what he could have been, and instead what he did become. Tragic, really.
Your last vignettes was a very quiet, unassuming way to end the collection, but beautiful nonetheless.
As a collection? I loved the hints at the future for Tom; fascination in war, the dropping of the Muggle-made quill. His need to win, to have power. It's all there, the pieces of the puzzle, waiting to be put together for him to become Voldermort. Quite a harrowing thought, really.
I also love the way you have Minerva constantly trying to beat him - or not even beat him, just to win. A little victory for herself for once. It feels almost as if she is the only one really playing the game, that Tom is merely playing along with it so that he can prove to her that it will always be him to have the power in their relationships. He knows he will always win. But, I would have liked to see her to win at some point, but I am satisified with the end nonetheless.
On note of style, I love the way this is written, and, as a fan of second person, you used the point of view very well, giving us a very good feel of the characters, especially Minerva.
Beautiful piece, will definitely have to read more from you!Author's Response: I've put off and put off responding to this review, because I've never recieved one quite like this. Seriouisly, it took my breath away when I read it for the first time, and the second time, and even third time.
I'll definitely attempt to change the things you pointed out - all of them are completely useful suggestions, and I'll definitely incorporate them into the story. Thank you so much for pointing them out, for they're things I wouldn't have spotted on my own, or simply missed out while reading it through.
This review is so ridiculously helpful, and I just can't thank you enough. -squish-. Report Review
Becca! What a lovely Tom/Minerva! You know, the idea of Tom/Minerva skeeved me out at first, but I grew to like it after reading such things as Gubby's King Me. And I can definitely see the influence of King Me in this fic, but at the same time you've made it very much your own. Your prose is very lyrical and flows wonderfully. And I lot of things were left open for the reader's interpretation, which I love.
MelanieAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for the wonderful review Mel! I'm so glad you enjoyed this :D.
Yeah, Tomerva does seem very creepy at first. Like you, it was Gubby's King Me that made me come round to it.
I thought the influence might be too obvious/heavy, so I'm glad that it's not. Ah yes, I always seem to leave stuff up to interpretation. Maybe I just can't form definitive ideas ;).
Thank you so much again!
Becca :D Report Review
Hello Becca! I'm sorry this has taken so long for me to get to D:
That was beautiful!! The way you wrote it was so flowy and mysterious! oo lala :D
The only thing that is not raving that I want to point out is that I'm not exactly sure what you were trying to show. Was it just that they had a relationship? Or maybe that it could've been something more? Or are you just leaving this up to the reader?
No matter, I didn't really mind. It was still fantastic, and if I had to rate it, I'd still give it a 10/10 :)Author's Response: Hahaha, no worries. You always leave such lovely reviews, they're well worth the wait.
I don't think I meant it to be mysterious :L, but mysterious is always good. :D.
I've never really thought about what I was trying to show- interesting question! I guess I was trying to show that their relationship could never work, for there would be a constant battle between them. I shall leave it up to the reader, however :P.
Thank you so much, lovely! :D Report Review
Amazing, I've actually never even considered Minerva/Tom but it's quite brilliant.
Great story.(:Author's Response: Thank you so much! I agree, Tomerva is one of those ships that you wouldn't immediately think of. I'm so glad you enjoyed it! :D Report Review
Very good writing. I enjoyed the emotional depth.Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm really glad you enjoyed it! ^^ Writing emotions has always been one of my weaknesses I think, so I'm glad I did it well :P. Report Review
Hello Becca! I must say that I have come to enjoy reading second person after reading a couple of your stories! I haven't read many Tom/Minerva stories and I really enjoyed this one!
Description- You had a lot of good images in this story, my favorite being the the slithering river in the beginning. I have never read that verb being used to describe a river and it's really fitting and beautiful. I also loved the recurring image of the paper angel and the fact that you used it in each section worked nicely. I think you had the perfect amount of description in this.
Plot- I really enjoyed the plot especially since it is one that I have never read anything similar to. The story gave me a numb sense of sadness, which I think worked quite nicely. The angst was easy to feel and there was such a sense of loss, like a huge wall had been built between them that they could never scale.
Pace/flow- I think this flowed quite nicely. The different segments fit well together and it was easy to follow. I love the idea of just putting in short scenes in their lives into the story. Just five short scenes were enough to give me a sense as to what their relationship was and what they had lost.
Characterization- You characterized Tom and Minerva very well in this. I got the sense that Minerva was sensitive and nostalgic, yet determined to move on with her life. This fits very well with her characterization in the Potter books. Tom seemed sad yet angry which also fits well with his characterization in canon. I especially loved the detail of him liking to read about Muggle wars. That is so fitting since his reign was so much like WWII.
I think the different segments and order work nicely. As soon as Minerva mentioned that she wished to go into teaching in the second segment I realized that it was going back in time. I think that was a very unique choice and it worked well! Great job! :)Author's Response: Hey Sarah! Thanks so much for the lovely review! Your reviews always make my day. :D And yay for second person! I really do love writing it :P.
The slithering river was me failing to come up with another word. I was like 'river=snake=slithering'. I'm glad you like it :D. I'm glad you liked the description in general actually, it felt a little lacking in this piece to me.
Thank you for the wonderful comments, lovely! It means a great deal to know that you liked this. I didn't set out with a definitive plot for this, but I'm so glad that you feel for the characters- there is a definite loss there.
It felt a little underdeveloped with only one scene, hence the five :P (this meant shortening the one which I wrote on its own). I'm glad they all slot together!
Thank you! Minerva is quite strongly characterised in the books, so I was afraid she might be OOC. Tom always strikes me as very angry :P.
I'm so glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for the awesome review! :D Report Review
This is very, very good! I can see the influence of Gubby's story, but only in the reverse chronology and a couple details (the reference to the seaside, for instance). Otherwise, it's purely original, portraying the relationship in a fresh and interesting way that made this a great pleasure to read.
I really liked the way you connected these scenes with objects like the paper angels and the book - it was done subtly, leaving the focus on the characters and their incredibly awkward moments. I felt uncomfortable for Minerva's sake during these scenes, which goes to show how realistically you wrote her and constructed these scenes.
This is definitely going on my favourites, as it's a fantastic addition to the Tom/Minerva stories on HPFF. ^_^Author's Response: :o Susan, you made my week with this review. Thank you so much! I got such a shock when I saw your name at the top of my review list.
I was afraid Gubby's influence was going to be too obvious- I had to stop myself from practically ripping ideas from her :P, so to hear that it's not had much influence over it is a huge relief.
The connecting events with objects was not something I originally set out to do, but it fort of appeared as time went on. I'm glad you felt uncomfortable for Minerva, it was how I wanted readers to feel for her.
:o Thank you so much! I'm so, so glad you enjoyed it. Report Review
Hey Becca! Here's your review!
To tell the truth, I've never read Tom/Minerva and the dynamics are amazing. You've really done them justice. There's a terrific mix of fear and intrigue and enchantment within their relationship. Well done!
Description: Spot on! You didn't go overboard, which I so appreciate, especially because so many authors assume more description = better writing. The repetition in regards to the paper angel worked beautifully.
Plot: Nice. They're such short, unusual meetings - it's original and engaging. You do a good job divulging a lot of information within a short scene.
Pace: The pace is good and steady. It's fitting to the style, perhaps a little slow for my liking, but appropriate nonetheless.
Flow: Flows well. The segmenting and set out is something I've seen before a couple of times now, and it always strikes as slightly odd, but I think it works in this story. The use of second person usually puts me off too, but I think there's something quite alternative about this story which almost validates the use of second person, if you know what I mean? It's not your traditional love story, is it? It's quite obscure - in a good way!
Characterisation: Tom is so wonderfully dark! I love it! And I love how you have Minerva so entranced and terrified him at the same time. It's really believable. All of her wishing him to go away is brilliant. That sounds odd, but it makes the story.
Great stuff, Becca!Author's Response: Hey Lucy! Thanks for the lovely review!
There are a few Tomerva's floating around, but it's still quite an obscure ship. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Description- Too much description is something I hate, so I'm glad I didn't go overboard. This is about as desriptive as I get :P.
Plot- I'm glad you liked the short meetings! I was afraid they might be a little too short, and not have any substance to them.
Pace- I'll have a look at it and see if I can make it a little faster.
Flow- I've seen it a few times, and I quite like using it because otherwise it is too confusing or too jumpy. Haha, second person is something I am growing to love. I'm glad you felt it didn't detract from the story. And a traditional love story it certainly isn't :P.
Characterisation- Tom is rather dark, isn't he :P. I'm glad you enjoyed the characterisation, this was more about that than anything.
Thank you so much! :D Report Review
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