Sorry for the long wait! -guilty face-
At the start you said that all the parents were saying goodbye to their children from outside the barrier, but I'm sure they would go onto the platform where the train is and wave them off from there, because it just look weird to see a lot of people saying goodbye to children at the same spot.
I wouldn't call a six-person family, 'small'.
But the way you introduced the oc was nicely done, it wasn't straight into her pov...I liked it.
When it said that she knew she was going through something she had never went through before, it sounds weird. I think it just repeats too much of the first half. Something like “She knew she was about to take on a brand new journey” or whatever you want to put.
There are a few grammatical issues that a little read through will find, but I won't say any more on those as they aren't what you wanted me to look at :)
I like her brother Peter, even though he doesn't play a huge part in this chapter, he seems so humble and nice.
When she is talking to her little brothers and sister about having their birthday presents. You could add in a bit more detail there about their physical appearance, or how she felt while saying those stuff to them, as now it just seems she's saying it to just inform the reader. So instead of...
"Besides, you, Jonathan, will be joining me in 2 years,"
You could have something like...
"Besides, you," she placed her hand onto her smaller brothers' shoulder, and she watched the smile come to his lips, before adding "will be joining me in two years." Okay?
When you described her as not being adventurous, you then said she was "unpredictable, unrestrained"- which would kind of be along the lines of someone who broke the school rules a lot and seeked out a bit of an adventure wherever she could. I don't know, this could be just me, but I found them a bit odd.
I also thought the comment about the WHOLE family liking the exact same things was a bit odd...Have some individualism, I can't see the kids having the same tastes as their parents, yea they may like their dad's music, but then they're the own person so they'll have their individual own taste in music, like one of the boys might like punk, and a girl might like rave. It's all a part of being human.
A 'compartment' on a train is the space where the students sit, I think you got that confused with something else, so she would have her belongings and her pets in the same compartment as herself. So they are what the train is, and not separate.
Just a little tip, when describing her features try not to put it all together, gradually let the reader make up their mental image of her. So like she'd be sitting in the train and she "flicks her dead-straight chocolate brown hair" over her shoulder, and then at night she might be looking at herself in the mirror, and you could describe her eyes. Then she could compare her skin to Hannah's when she comes into her compartment. Just so it flows better into the story. Same goes for your other characters, have them naturally come into the story, you can describe what she sees first then have her notice things about them, like the color of their eyes, teeth etc when they small or when the sun catches them.
Also, they seemed a bit too unreal, the way they just 'bonded' with one another, have them be unsure and sit in silence for a while. Then have a few little, awkward sentences to bring in their characters.
I think that after a few days at Hogwarts they would tell one another about their families and such. Because you don't meet someone and automatically think you're going to be great friends. Just a thought.
You could have a bit more descriptions of Hogwarts, I know anyone who reads this would know, but your characters are brand new and don't, so like have Carmen's thoughts on the Great Hall/the moving pictures etc, you could also have them interact with one another more and just slowly build their characters up- as we haven't gotten much from this, only their history. Like, have one of them say random comments, and without saying it in the reader that 'she's the random one', have the reader find out for themselves.
I know is just the introductory chapter, which I understand. But just throw in a few more details of their characters, which one's the chatter box? Which one is the dreamer? Which one is the 'miss-know-it-all?' but just show this in the small stuff they do or say in the Great Hall, then build on it in the following chapters. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?
It has potential, and I do hope you keep writing it, as I would love to see where you go with it!! Report Review
Aww, that was so cute!Author's Response: Thanks! I don't really consider it cute though... Report Review
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