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Reading Reviews for I'd Lie
  
16 Reviews Found

Review #1, by JeSuisEscargot I'd Lie

18th April 2012:
Is there a sequel? xP

Author's Response: I've been thinking about it, but I don't think so :P I'm not in the same frame of mind as before, sorry :P

Ak xx


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Review #2, by Hattie I'd Lie

30th December 2011:
You've got a great story premise her and its very well written - I'm looking forward to seeing how it develops! :)

Author's Response: Thank you! xx AK

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Review #3, by lilypotterfan123 I'd Lie

12th August 2011:
Ak!! It's Bex and that was so sad, I really wanted to cry with this. Poor Jean and then Albus running away like that. I'd be pretty annoyed if I came back to find that the guy I loved went off with my sister but in all fairness he deserved it. I loved how you filled us in with all the details so we got every little bit of what was going on. I loved that :)
Lilypotterfan123, Gryffindor

Author's Response: I'm sorry! :P I LOVE YOU OK xx AK

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Review #4, by thethreebadgers I'd Lie

20th January 2011:
ok this is the one of the best one-shots i've read. EVER. can you make this into a novel/novella? please and thank you?

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Review #5, by _hedwig_ I'd Lie

6th January 2011:
I made my own little ending to this story, and YOU'LL NEVER KNOW IT!

HA!

So...yeah. I love this.

Author's Response: Omg! I wanna know! *whines*

PLEASE?

*pouts*
*unleashes puppy dog eyes*

MUAHAHAHAHA!


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Review #6, by lunarocks14 I'd Lie

13th October 2010:
That nearly made me cry, it was so darned sweet! I totaly adored this. Honestly. Snuffle. I love Al :) I roleplay as him on Facebook so I feel close to him. But James annoys me xD. Love this, again :) 10/10!

Author's Response: aw! thanks so much! glad you liked it :)

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Review #7, by whisky I'd Lie

26th May 2010:
AWSOME!! BUT SAD... maybe they could do polygamy?? :D

Author's Response: Haha, I don't think it's allowed in Britain honey! :P
But if it was I'd definitely go for that! :P
thanks for reviewing, love!
Ak~


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Review #8, by marinahill I'd Lie

23rd April 2010:
Hi :)

You might want to re-space this chapter - I find that one line between each line of text is sufficient and larger spaces are somewhat awkward.

Great start - very powerful without trying too hard, and it immediately draws the reader into the story. I was already asking myself "who?", which is great because it means I'm already interested in the plot. There's a moment after the first couple of sentences where I feel that this story could go either way, angst or fluff. Then it's crucial that you set the mood, which is exactly what you do - the next line is casual, flippant almost, when Alex talks about her many past dates. I like it when I can clearly tell what sort of story I can expect, and it does a fabulous job of setting the mood for the story. When you said Throughout our lives, I automatically started thinking that these two have spent the past 15 years separately. You got me wondering from the start what was going to happen and why. So that's great, because you do explain it later and before then you've got the reader sucked in.

Okay, so I just wanted to mention that at the beginning there you've got a few tenses mixed-up. The issues were particularly around the My smile turns into a grin as I see him standing in front of me, wearing that crooked smile of his, the one that gave me butterflies in my stomach and made my heart flutter. part of the narrative, but I'm not going to go into much more detail because that's pretty simple to sort out yourself :)

I think my main criticism for you would be that I want to see more description, overall throughout the whole piece. For example, when Albus returns, I really want to see what she really feels because I don't feel like we get right inside her head. Though the genre is fluff, it doesn't mean that there can't be a healthy amount of description. Description adds flesh to bones, and I think this story or any future ones would really benefit from more description - you have the skills there, I just want to see more of it! When you say My eyes searched his face, taking it all in. Al had been away for the past five years., it doesn't really show the reader anything - you've told me he'd been away but I don't know how that's changed him, what differences she sees, what she's taking in. Leaving certain details to the imagination of the reader is good, but in this case we only have the bones of Albus's looks, and to add the flesh I want more description, not only about what he physically looks like but how she reacts to his changes. The way she observes him in that moment will tell us a lot about her character.

I think you ended the first section perfectly, as this draws the reader onwards, like a breadcrumb trail. However, I thought once again you needed more description. When describing Rose, it seemed so matter of fact, I just wanted to see a bit more emotion. As I said before, we could learn so much about Alex's character by how she talks about others, by how she describes things and I think you missed a golden opportunity - I think you're so close, because I'm almost getting the feeling that she's quite flippant about most things, that she doesn't really seemed concerned about the affairs of Rose and Scorpius, more interested. It's as though that section isn't important to the plot, and then I have to wonder why it's included at all. See each thing as an opportunity to characterise, to set the scene. As I said, you're close, you're almost there; I just kept feeling like you weren't living up to your full potential.

That whole story about Rose and her daughter seemed far too casual for my own tastes, and I really didn't think that Alex cared at all. I don't know if that was your intention or not, but if I'm honest I couldn't feel anything for their characters. Yes, I know this is labelled fluff, so I'm sorry for harping on about it so, it's just that I really want to get stuck in, to be involved in the world with the characters but I just couldn't connect with them. But, then I read some more and I'm convinced that it's just the way Alex is. She seems to just reel off the details in eagerness to talk about Albus, showing no commitment, no emotion. When you talk about Albus just upping and leaving, I just get the feeling that she viewed him as some other guy she'd dated, to go with the countless others, and she didn't worry about him, only herself.

Then, the third part, she starts to cry and from what you've portrayed in the last two sections I can't understand why - you need to let me feel it. I think, reading this through again, you'll see what I mean when I say that more description would help here. Your dialogue is strong, I wouldn't change any of it at all - balance it out with more information about the characters, more actions and you'll have a great piece of work here.

Her speech was brilliant, when she was having a rant at Albus for being away. I felt the emotion just from the way she was speaking, some of the most realistic dialogue I've come across. The emotion is there in the dialogue, but needs to be supported by extra description and more characterisation.

I noticed some grammar errors with your dialogue again. Commas were needed where there are full stops: "So, when's D-Day." He replied flatly, "He plays for England." I added., "I know." Al snapped, "Yes. Yes, you are." I echoed.

I don't say all this to be harsh, so I really hope it hasn't come off that way. I know you can make the improvements I've suggested because I've seen how good your writing can be. I really mean it when I say that your dialogue is excellent, it seems so realistic and once you've added some more description I think this will be near perfect. Your ending was superb - to the point and in character. I'd love it if you requested from me again. I'll be keeping an eye on your author page to see what you'll do next. I honestly hope I've helped in some way.

Marina

Author's Response: You know you've really made my day right? I smiled through most of the review, really! :)
Generally, I think I'm pretty ok at description, but hold back a lot since I think I'd ramble, which I tend to do a LOT. SO, that should explain the lack of description in this. :)
I read the whole thing about three times and re-read the whole thing, again. You're right, I do need to work on my description. It's pretty frill-less, for the lack of a better word. :D
Anyway, I'll be sure to work on everything you've asked me to! :)
love
Ak~


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Review #9, by butterbeergal I'd Lie

17th March 2010:
Hi there!

In terms of plot, you have something going here. I always find love triangles exciting, and the fact that both Potter boys are involved makes it even juicier. For characterization, I would have liked to see more information about your main character other than the fact that she's in love with both James and Al. There seems to have been more development for Rose and Scorpius rather than your MC so maybe you could throw in some more stuff in there about her? Perhaps how her friendship with Al started and all. Just a suggestion but in the end, it's your call. ;)

Also, I got a bit confused because you said at the beginning that they dated although that didn't work out so I'm thinking they broke up. However, they were apparently still dating when Al left, so yeah, got a bit lost there. I'd also like to clarify whether this was the first time they've seen each other after five years or not because judging on James's and Al's reactions, it seems like everything is pretty much normal. I mean, sure, Al seems a bit put-out, but I would have thought he would have a much stronger reaction or there would at least be awkwardness between the three of them considering the extent of their involvement with one another.

Technically, there were some issues. You started out in the present tense (I shut the album and stash it under the mattress of my bed and turn, wearing a small smile on my face) and then eventually reverted to the past tense (I jumped over my bed and tackled him at the doorway and we fell through the opposite door, into my fiance's room, Albus' brother, James). Since you settled with the past tense for the rest of the story, maybe you could just do a bit of editing on the first part to make it sound consistent. Also, in terms of punctuation, there were some errors with the quotation marks and for some parts, there were too many commas.

I also just wanted to point out this sentence: "Congratulations! So, when's D-Day?" he replied flatly, though I could see that he was trying to sound excited for me.

It a bit contradictory because he said it flatly but then he tried to sound excited. Maybe you could just remove flatly and just say that he tried to sound excited for her even if it seemed that he wasn't. Or something like that. Hehe. By the way, I replaced the period with a question mark and I changed the capitalization a bit. Anyway, these are only minor issues that I'm sure you or a beta can fix. ;)

Sorry if the technicalities got a bit long. Hehe. But now that that's done with, I will move on and talk about more exciting things.

My favourite part of the story was towards the end because this was the part where I started to get a glimpse of who Alex really is. I especially liked the part when she just blew up on Albus and started telling him how terrified she was when he left her. That was simply spot on, and I was cheering for her as I read that. When she pointed out that James nearly died because of a Bludger, that was just heartbreaking because she managed to show Al just what he had missed, what he ran away from.

I loved James enough to marry him, definitely, but not enough that I'd stop loving Albus.

Yes, that's one beautiful and heartbreaking line right there that captured how torn she really felt. It would be very interesting to see how Alex will deal with her feelings for both men and who she will end up choosing.

Overall, very exciting and promising. Maybe you could even consider turning this into a short story as it definitely has potential.

Cheers, G

P.S. Apologies for the delay. I hope this helped. :)

Author's Response: Nah, don't worry about it G.
Thank you for the review. I realise this one's really rushed. I think I'll get this down, write the whole story, with all the details and not rush it like I did now and put it up again. :)
I was so excited about this that I didn't proofread this enough. :?
Thanks again for pointing out all the mistakes! Will work on it! :)
love
Ak~


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Review #10, by icefire_lioness I'd Lie

16th March 2010:
Hi emmapotter! icefire_lioness here with your review!

Okay, where to start? I like the idea for the plot, but there are a few difficulties within the actual writing. I'll start off with the ones that stood out most for me.

Firstly, the way you have the paragraphs spaced out is distracting. You only need to be changing paragraphs when someone speaks, when the paragraph is getting too long, or when you're changing the subject. You CAN change paragraphs to have a particular sentence alone to give it more impact as you've done - but the sentences all actually LOSE their impact if you do this too many times.

Second is the spelling/grammar issues. You've done pretty well, but there were a few in there that were distracting. Previous reviewers have generally pointed these out though, so I won't be repetitious. One thing no-one mentioned though is your capitalisation of 'wedding'. This doesn't need a capital W. It makes it sound a bit silly if you use it.

Hum...most of the issues have already been pointed out by previous reviewers, and I don't want to just keep bringing up stuff you're already aware of. Though I will repeat what one reviewer said about perhaps adding in more storyline to do with Jean (to bring her closer to the reader as a character) and some of the other events, because you definitely skimmed over a lot of main events, and I think that's worth fixing.

Oh! One thing I would definitely change is the layout of the last paragraph (you know...'I knew three things'). It isn't much, but if you take out the brackets next to the numbers and put a full stop in instead, and bring the sentences closer to the numbers, the whole thing will...

1. Become easier to read
2. Have better impact

You see?

Okay, apart from that, I think that's all the constructive crit I can give. So, onto praise!

You have written a very interesting plot line, and for the most part it works well. If you take into account all the crit you've received and give this a go over, this fic will be really good.

Good luck!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for all the crit! :)
Yes, I know this one sucks, but I WILL work on it and once its done, re-request, yeah?
love
Aakanksha


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Review #11, by Rowdy18 I'd Lie

13th March 2010:
I like this so far. Can't wait to see what happens next.

Author's Response: I'm sorry hun, it's a one-shot. But I think I'll edit and put it up again, then tell me what you think, yeah?
love
Aakanksha
P.S: Thanks for reviewing! :)


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Review #12, by homemade_dark_mark I'd Lie

12th March 2010:
I nearly cried. Heartbreaking really, but beautiful.

Is your real name emma potter? because I used to have a friend named emma potter in elementary school. But I figure you might just be emma potter because of harry, you know?

Author's Response: OMG! Really? I didn't know it was that good! :P
Lol, thank you for reviewing! :)
love
Ak~


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Review #13, by JamesPotter I'd Lie

12th March 2010:
heyyy. love this story. i was just windering where you get that photo of taylor swift of in your banner? is it from the official taylor swift website? if it is, how'd you get it on ur banner because i want to use a pitcure form there but it doesn't let me save it!

x

Author's Response: I requested for a banner at The Dark Arts and the artist there, afterglow, made the banner for me! :)
thanks for stopping by!
love
Ak~


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Review #14, by MichaelTurpin I'd Lie

12th March 2010:
First of all, the story is okay. The general outline follows a clear idea, with a mostly natural development and authentic characters.

What I'm lacking in this story, though is any depiction of the main character. I know she's female, I know her name (non-canon?), but except for that, pretty much nothing. It makes it much harder to understand her feelings and behaviour.

Also, the circumstances under which Al and Al meet again aren't described in detail. He just suddenly pops up in his brother's flat or his brothers room (where exactly?), and grins sheepishly as he sees the girl he left five years ago.

On the one hand, he's not surprised to find his former girlfriend there, on the other hand, he is totally stunned when she reveals that James proposed.

Another small contradiction: Concerning the relationship between Al & Alex, you fist mention that "in the end, it didn't work out". Later, you reveal that he just left, which is a different thing than the relationship being ended.

And those circumstances of him leaving are changing throughout the story. In the beginning, you write "Travelling, he told us". But later, Alex complains that he just left.

Moreover, Albus never explained why he didn't send a letter from America. Why didn't he? Even if he needed his distance, he could send a letter without revealing his own whereabouts?


You switch between tenses again, but less than you did in the other story. Still, it makes things much harder to read. In each tense, the usage of other tenses carries a certain meaning with it (like if you use present tense as your general perspective, the usage of past tense means you look back on an ongoing, long-term event that began in the past, while present perfect is used for concluded events). Most of the time, you will instinctively make good use of that distinction, but if the general use of tenses is messed up, this won't work anymore and a lot of meaning your sentence are supposed to carry will be lost. Tell your betareader to take care of it, as well :-)

Two minor corrections:
- "The suddenly one day" --> "THEN"
- something as trivial as this --> is she talking about her wedding being a trivial thing here?
- "Al snapped a he got up" --> "AS he got up"

Rating: 5/10 (5/10 being the rating for an average story on HPFF)
I think the story has potential. It's not perfect yet, especially the plot issues and the changing tenses, but I'm sure it will become a great story once you work over that.

Author's Response: Yes, I know this needs to be worked on, but I'll do it soon. When I have tome!
Thank you for reading through this utter load of rubbish, I'll fix it and re-request, yeah? And then you can tell me where else I can improve! :)
Thanks again!
Love
Aakanksha


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Review #15, by harrylilyjames I'd Lie

8th March 2010:
Hey hun!
I'm back again! :)

I like the start of this, because you get the reader guessing on who's talking and which person she's talking about.

When Albus says her name, I would of liked a bit more emotion/reaction to him suddenly standing there after five years. Now, she just tackled him to the ground like a friendly everyday hello. I don't know, it just seemed a bit, robotic.

Because she's an oc, I can't say much about her character, but I would of liked to of read more about her, like when she and James started dating and silly stuff like that, or what her parents thought about her marrying a Potter.

I did notice a lot of silly mistakes in this, a few are as follows...

“I’d had like ten”- the 'd' behind the I shouldn't be here.

"Boy, were we a goofy lot"- Okay, I'm trying to get this line straight in my head, and it's just confused me lol. I think, you might of meant 'weren't we' instead of 'were we'.

Some times you put a comma in where there shouldn't be any and it makes the sentence sound weird. Example of which is "I hear a familiar voice, which I haven’t heard in a while, call out to me." the last comma would be better of not being there.

When they fall through the door, you say "Albus’ brother, James"- but there is no need to say "Albus' brother," as we don't know that the person she just tackled is Albus, so it confused me slightly, it would make better sense if you tell the reader that the guy is Albus beforehand, then the sentence will sound right. Hope that made sense :)

"We were lucky James had a carpeted floor, which broke our fall."- the word 'which' in this sentence sounds awkward and slows it down slightly, how about changing it with 'that'?

"chaos with her dad Ron and Scorp’s Dad Draco having a huge tiff, bringing up the past, Ginny told us"- this sentence is also snailing along, what about swapping it around, so it reads something like this "Ginny told us that Rosie's dad Ron and Scorp's dad Draco had a huge tiff..."

"was since Rosie was pregnant"- 'since' would be better of as 'because'.

At the part where you say that Rose and Scorp had Jean, you then say “Jean was Rose and Scorpius’ little baby girl"- which shouldn't be here as we know from the line beforehand who she is. If you want to keep this in, take out the 'Rose and Scorpius' and change it with 'their'.

Awe, I thought it was nice that you put in Scorpius and Rose into the story. It was nice to read about them.

OMG!! I'm writing this while reading, I know stupid. But OMG!! Oh could you kill Jean like that?? I'm sorry, but you bring this happy, loving family and I'm feeling happy about everything and then you gives us that...I think I stopped breathing with the shock of it.

I would of liked to of read more about Jean, like either write a little day where Alex remembered of her or something [because she is a major part of the plot, that gives the reader a HUGE kick in the gut] and then you can describe what she looked like and the type of silly stuff she liked, because they seemed like a cute little family and then something gigantic like that happens to them. I just would of liked to read more into it.

Another little thing I want to point out is that, Al's reaction to her and his brother being engaged is a bit..slow. He would of been confused and ask all the questions straight away when he put one and one together, then probably got angry. -shrugs- just what I think. I just want to say he was an idiot to try and kiss her. Pfft, what did he expect?

You could also write more on his disappearance, the way everyone reacted or how she found out that he's done the runner. Just to make it longer and to engage the reader a bit more, because it seems like your only skimming through all the major events that took place.

I don't feel sorry for either of them, he was silly enough to run off[I know he was grieving, but he should of said something] and she was silly enough to go off with his brother. What did the two of them expect? ;)

It is a nice story and a bit on the angsty-side of fanfiction, which I LOVE. :)

Keep writing!!

Author's Response: Yaay! Another one of your great reviews! I LOVE your reviews, have I mentioned that? They are so helpful!
Actually, I wanted to get this up real fast, it had been nagging me all the time I was studying! :rollseyes:
Anyway, yes, I'm still working on this, trying to make it a bit longer, more detailed. And, commas are the absolute BANE of my existence! I HATE THEM! x-( And yet, I can't make do without them, where's the justice in that? XD
Anyway, I'll work on all the places you've pointed out and I'm sure it'll help my writing! :)
Thank you for reviewing!


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Review #16, by saffy22100 I'd Lie

8th March 2010:
no! grr. why didn't albus and james wind up together? ohy well. i really do like this one-shot. its really cute and i loved it when albus came back and she explained why she was going to marry james. that was colll!! XD

ily

x
saffy

Author's Response: Albus and James?! THEY'RE BROTHERS! Lol
I think you meant Alex, yeah?
Well, I was trying for a different ending, like not always happily ever after, y'know? :)
anyway, thanks for stopping by!
love
Ak~


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