Reading Reviews for All I Am
  
7 Reviews Found

Review #1, by AussieAnatomy627 You Don't See Me, Lily

17th April 2010:
That was really cute and it's nice to see how James really felt about Snape. Great job!

Author's Response: Aww thanks. It wasn't easy picturing his exact feelings about Snape. But I knew they were there.

 Report Review

Review #2, by readoholic You Don't See Me, Lily

7th April 2010:
A really cute one-shot. I really enjoyed both Lily and James' characters here, when normally I feel quite a dislike for James, which is great. It was nice to have a story from his perspective as well, and you developed both the characters of Lily and James really brilliantly. I also liked the snippets we got of Sirius and Lupin too.
There were some brilliant, funny moments and some poignant, beautiful moments, which was nice to see. One of my favourites was: "For so long he had wished he had been in Snape’s position.// From where he was standing, he guessed he would never be."
Sometimes I found that I got a bit lost in some of the sentence structure, and I wondered if there was any way you could rephrase parts just to make it a little more accessible and flow a bit more. I mean, this is just a slight thing, but I think it would make a real difference to the fic, especially in the last scene where the calm is broken by Lily's punch - perhaps with that there could be more contrast?
I really liked the moments towards the end, and I could really image the setting. On that note, what I really like is your ability to put across the setting whilst maintaining your fairly casual tone. I found it really easy to imagine the scenes and the atmosphere, which was great.

On the grammer side, I've picked up a few errors:
- "To be desk mates with Lily Evan," Just a typo here, I think it should be "Lily EvanS".
- "For example, the Alohomora on Chapter Seven had had its usefulness." Maybe instead of "on Chapter Seven" it could be "IN Chapter Seven".
- "As they grew older nothing changed between them if possible it went downhill." I think there needs to be a comma or a dash or something between "them" and "if": "As they grew older nothing changed between them, if possible it went down hill."
- “What do you thing you are doing?” Just a slight spelling error here. "What do you thinK you're doing?" :)
- '“I lay a wager his going to,” Sirius grinned.' Perhaps you mean "I lay a wager he's going to,"?
- "Ever since Snivellus slip of the tongue": just a missing apostrophe "Ever since Snivellus' slip of the tounge".
- "Summer had long past so where did these little beauties come from." I think this sentence needs a question mark at the end.
- "...and that other people feelings didn’t matter to you." Maybe "...and that other people's feelings didn't matter to you."
- "Whose ego was so big I assumed it occupied it own bed." Just a missing 's': "Whose ego was so big I assumed it occupied its own bed."
I think there might have been a few more small inaccuracies, but along these sorts of things. These were the ones that seemed to me to stick out the most. I think the others I left because, although some phrases could do with some commas etc, they were grammatically correct. Maybe just have a look through and see when the natural pauses etc are? Only a tiny bit of fine tuning!

Anyway, some really good writing and a really nice reflection on James and Lily's relationship. Some lovely moments, and great development of character. Overall: me likey :)

Author's Response: I'm so glad you likey :)

As for some of those tiny mistakes, I've tried to correct them including your lovely suggestions :)
I'm trying to find a beta for the story incase I've missed a few ~fingers crossed~

James sometimes makes me feel the same. My curiosity about their relationship stopped me for a moment to ponder on exactly how I'd throw them together. They were wasting precious time :D.

I wouldn't have James make all the remarks. Anyway, the other two had to have a few appearances. I know they were supportive of these two.

It's my favorite too. At some point, I didn't want to put it there in case I someone cobbled me for insinuating James envied Snape. Since he confirmed it *from the afterlife*, I just had to.

I'm trying to get that punch scene make more sense.

I'm so happy you like the last moments. I put all my energies into it. It had to be the perfect way for apologizing, for James anyway.

These two were fun to write. Thanks for the compliments.


 Report Review

Review #3, by Ginny45 You Don't See Me, Lily

7th April 2010:
Hey review here :D
I liked it. Everytime they tried to have a little moment James always ruined it made me laugh. You charaterised him really well.
I'm glad you put the flashback in because without it i think the bit after wouldn't have made that much sense so it linked it.
I didn't get the punching bit kind of random but i guess you had your reasons for putting it in and it did work.
Lilys explanations were brilliant about everything that had happened i really enjoyed them.
The Lilys were cute and a very James way of saying sorry.
By the way the ending is so mean but i love it haha
xxx

Author's Response: Thanks for the review :)

James was a nice choice for this story. And yeah, I wasn't going to make it easier for him to say sorry. After all, he was irritating at times.

I figured that moment in time should have helped James MATURE. It was about time.

I wanted a dramatic scene and I chose the punch instead of a kiss. It was easier for me to write that but I'll try to make it more plausible.

Lily unlike James was hard to pin down. I couldn't imagine what went through her head when they were together. I had her explain things to him so he could understand her a bit and I ended up liking this Lily.

James is sensitive when he wants to be.

What do you mean the ending is so mean? :D that part had me laughing for a while but I'm glad you loved it.


 Report Review

Review #4, by NobodyKnowsHowToTalkToChildren You Don't See Me, Lily

5th April 2010:
What??!! "The End"??? No! I want more! More more more! I was just getting into this, and believe me, I'm not usually a James/Lily reader.

Author's Response: Aww,
I'm so glad you liked it especially since you are not a James/Lily fan.

LOL! "The End" can always be deleted.

Hmm, that's like four MORE chapters. I'll see if I can create a sequel for it. Now where to begin...

Thank you so much for the review.

~hugs~
Stephanie


 Report Review

Review #5, by butterbeergal You Don't See Me, Lily

4th April 2010:
Hi, there! First of all, thanks for entering my challenge. Now on to your review.

This was quite funny and light-hearted. In terms of characterization, I liked how sharp Lily was here. I know James was a bit of a prat when they were in Hogwarts, and you managed to show that here while making him out as someone a bit more mature than people give him credit for. I think he wasn't that bad, he was just too fun-loving and proud to show that softer, more mature side of him, and you managed to convey that here. During the times that he apologized to Lily but kept ruining the moment by throwing in snide remarks totally made me grin. That is so like James.

I liked the banter between James and Lily and the other Marauders. I have several favorite lines:

"Prongs, I'm not spending my time feeding you lines to get Evans," Sirius shuddered. "You're on your own."
^ This sounded so much like Sirius.

Just where you store your ego and whether the two of you wear matching pyjamas.
^ Haha this one really made me laugh. Nice one, Lily.

I figured I'll probably mature once I leave this school. There are many people who look up to me. Changing suddenly would result in a few of them going into shock. It's not easy being the centre of attention.
^ Hahaha! This also sounded like something James Potter would have actually said. I loved this line.

With regards to flow and other technicalities, there were parts when I got a bit confused with the scenes and flashbacks, and I had to re-read some parts to get back into the story. There were also some punctuation issues, especially commas. There were parts when the sentences sort of ran into each other, and a comma would have helped make the sentence clearer and flow a bit more smoothly. Also, there was a time when you referred to Lily as Rose (the one when she was talking with her friends). I don't know if that's just me being confused or if it was indeed a typo. But like most, these are errors that can easily be fixed by you or your beta. :)

Overall, a very interesting take on the song. I'm happy with how you wrote Lily and James. Nice job. :)

Cheerio,
Gillian

Author's Response: I tried a Scorpius/Rose pairing for the song and it didn't come out right. So I did James/Lily , at the back of my mind I was thinking James being James probably got the lyrics wrong.

I pictured him being mature when he puts his effort into it. And I've always wondered how these two got together. I really enjoyed writing this story.

Don't ask me where I got those sentences from. The moment they popped in to my mind I wrote them down.

I don't think everything went smoothly between these two. Maybe when Harry was born *shrugs*

Punctuation is my biggest flaw (I really shouldn't be telling you this). I always look for a beta when I'm satisfied with a story. This one has made me happy therefore I'll be gettting one soon.

Anyway, I had a few corrections I wanted to make and I chose April 1st to do it. Imagine my surprise when I logged into the site, LOL. I never got to do it then.

I have edited a few things out, like that part with her friends. That should take care of the name confusion. And other few things.

Thanks Gillian and I really did like the song.

This review was greatly appreciated :)

Steph


 Report Review

Review #6, by amy You Don't See Me, Lily

26th March 2010:
i like this one shot story

Author's Response: I'm glad you do Amy.

Thanks for the review :)


 Report Review

Review #7, by severussnapeloveslily You Don't See Me, Lily

24th March 2010:
Cool! I liked the scene after Snape called Lily a you-know-what... because I'd like to believe that James was kind enough to have mercy on his enemy. I also think that you did a good job describing Lily and James's relationship.

Author's Response: I had imagined James' ''maturing'' starting from that point. he wasn't all that bad to begin with. And Snape had really messed up. mercy was in order.

Aww, I'm glad you think I did a good job with this relationship.

Yeah, theirs was one of a kind. That is why I liked it so much. And quite frankly matched the song albeit not comply to all the words.

This review was greatly appreciated,

Steph


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login