I found this oneshot through StorySeekers, and I was intrigued by their description of "scary" and "disturbing." Ha, I thought, I can deal with angst. This story won't get to me!
Oh how wrong I was. I was caught completely off guard by the "face in the mirror." I mean, Louis seemed innocent (and sane) enough to me...and then suddenly, BAM! Avada Kedavra! What? I applaud you for keeping the reader on their toes, and not falling into the same cliche traps that so many writers trip up on. 10/10 Report Review
The ending was everything!
I liked the conflict of thoughts and the very real, unnecessary grief that Louis feels over the accident (very human). The mirror makes it fun if not even more real. How many of us have had discussions like that with our mirrors? Of course they don't usually end this way :)
All in all I loved it and would recommend it to another. Report Review
Congrats on being featured on the Story Seekers Episode #12. This story definitely deserves it. A lot! :)
I absolutely loved this. So original! The whole plot was just fantastic! Near the ending of Louis' conversation with his reflection, I knew what was going to happen, but it was still a shock when it actually did. But I loved it, really. I don't think I've ever seen this situation used before, so it's really amazing.
As for Louis, I just loved how you used him. If you'd used say, James/Albus Potter, the whole thing would have felt different. It feels right with Louis, especially since he's a kid not many people write about as much as James/Albus Potter. His guilt is understandable.. oh and Scoripus dying was a shock too. I thought he would just be injured. That's another thing that makes your story unique. You weren't afraid to make things well.. "out there" :P.
The writing is brilliant. I loved it :) Report Review
All I can say about this right now is 'What just happened?'
Anyways, I thought you did a really good job with this, especially choosin to write about Louis, and congrats for being mentioned on Story Seekers. Sorry for the really short review, but I'm still a little shocked by what happened in the story. (which means that you did a great job with it) :) Report Review
Louis was really high strung. That boy needed something to keep him relaxed. i wonder how long it will take before someone gets the door unlocked. I heard about this story on the Story Seekers podcast, and i agree that it was a very nice, although creepy, story. Any plans to write another one following this one? Maybe his troubled spirit will be haunting this bathroom just like Myrtle does with hers. i wonder if they'll spend any time together. Happy writing. Report Review
First off, completely amazing. It's haunting, disturbing, and frightens me, quite honestly.
So, who's this Louis character? I saw that he's part of the Weasley family, but did you ever really think of which part? I was just wondering.
Anyways, this story just makes you think. I'm trying to imagine killing someone unintentionally, and the guilt that would consume me. I think just witnessing a death, whether it partially be my fault or not, would make me feel guilty. The loss of life is so horrendous, especially to those left behind. I think Louis' reaction is relatable to by anyone who isn't a complete sociopath.
Your descriptions were amazing. Especially during the end, where Louis' features were translated into the man in the mirror's, and while they are the same, they are so much more horrible. It symbolizes (or perhaps straight out shows) his descent from knowing who he is to thinking he's a cold-blooded killer.
p.s. I'm still wondering if the conversation between Louis and his reflection happened out loud or in his head. I'm also wondering if this is a completely guilt-ridden reaction, or if he's a tad bit schizophrenic... Report Review
Wow, that was really moving. I couldn't believe that. It was almost disturbing. Good job, I'll add this to my favourites!
AshAuthor's Response: Thank you! I'm so glad you liked this story and I'm grateful for your review! If you liked this one, might I suggest you read "Murder in the Bathroom" by me as well? It's quite similar to this one.
Thanks again! Report Review
Hi, it's chiQs09 from the forums.
I wonder if I'd be able to sleep tonight. I'm scared of creepy phantasms trapped or living in mirrors. DX But anyway...
I think I liked the description of the Quidditch match scene between Louis and Scorpius. I always have difficulties writing Quidditch scenes, so I usually leave them out. lol
I dunno who to pity more: Louis, who has only wanted to prove himself to his family, relatives, and friends, or Scorpius, who got killed during a simple Quidditch match. *sighs*
I think the pacing was okay, since it's just a one-shot anyway. The transition between Quidditch scene and bathroom scene flowed well. Nothing much to say there.
My only CC would just probably be fixing the dialogues towards the end of the story, so that it flows well with the rest. It didn't feel natural to me.
Also, since this is just a one-shot, and maybe I only missed it in the story, I would've liked to find out who or what this 'man in the mirror' was. Was it Louis' inner demon or something? Did he feel so guilty for having killed Scorpius that he committed suicide? After all, being a failure, he wouldn't have been able to face his family... Or was it some evil spirit trying to find redemption in killing innocent students kinda stuff? I probably just missed the point. XD
Aside from that, it was a nice read.
Cheers!Author's Response: Thanks! I was actually really worried about the Quidditch scene because it's fast-paced and action-packed. I'm glad I did a good job. Thanks =)
I don't know why but I think I was rushing toward the end. It's interesting that you point out how it doesn't flow as well as the rest of it. I'll definitely work on that.
The man in the mirror was simply Louis's reflection. This conversation didn't literally happen, it only happened in his mind. The man in the mirror represented his guilt, and the ultimate fate of Louis was nothing more than a terrible mistake.
Thanks for the great review! ^-^ Report Review
Hello, here is your review.
So, Louis tries to save Scorpius life, only to kill him. Afterwards, he sees his reflection and tries to kill it, only for it to rebound on himself. This is really good. No, don't give me that face :p It's really different, but in a good way. We honestly don't have enough creepy stories on here- I'm delighted to say this is the first one I read.
I think that Louis is a psychopath. Honestly, this story wouldn't work quite as well if he wasn't. I thought he was normal at the beginning, but when he started talking to himself in the mirror, it was a shock. I like to think of this like a story with an ending like the Sixth Sense. If you have never watched the movie, the ending was unexpected and you didn't see it coming. Like with this.
One thing I really wish we could've seen more of is Scorpius. I understand with the setting, it would be incredibly hard, but I wanted to know him better. There must be a reason why Louis was shaken up by his death (despite the fact that he 'killed' him). When it was mentioned that he wanted to get to know him more, it was like he had an...obsession with him. What makes Scorpius that awesome?
Two things were too rushed for my taste. 1) Scorpius' death. He was struck in the middle by the pole, but did it go through his body or did he just slide off. 2) The man in the mirror scene. It was a huge part of the story, and it consisted of mainly dialogue. It would be interesting to know what is going on in Louis' head while this was happening, and how he came up with the brilliant idea of shooting the mirror with a killing spell.
Besides this, it was interesting. Your tone was great- at first, I thought this was going to be a light-hearted piece, but it turned out to be a thriller/tragedy- and setting 100% original. There needs to be more creative writers on here like you, honestly. You are fantastic and I can hardly pick out parts I truly dislike because it is all very amazing. If you somehow make this into a short story/novella/novel, I would review every chapter. But with that, you would have to somehow resurrect Louis from the dead.
What did Scorpius think of Louis commiting suicide? How will the school react to the death of two students? Was the man in the mirror only just his reflection, or something else? Important questions, I tell you, but questions that will never be answered :(
I'm adding this to my favourites. 10/10 for awesomeness :pAuthor's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for this review =) I really appreciate it. I'm so honored to hear you say that mine was the first creepy story you've read. Welcome to HPFF muahahaha! ^-^
I have not seen the Sixth Sense, but I know it was a big hit. And to be compared to a movie like that is a great honor. Thank you =)
It's interesting that you point out Louis's relationship with Scorpius. I hadn't imagined any sort of relationship to be present between them, really. They were enemies on the Quidditch field, and that was as far as I'd thought. I'll think about that more. Thanks for pointing it out.
Scorpius ran into a pole that caught him in the middle and made him double over it. He was not struck with a pole at the angle that it could impale him. I'm sorry if that wasn't clear. (I wish I could draw you a diagram to explain! XD)
I agree that the man in the mirror scene was a bit rushed. Thanks for pointing that out. I'll work on that.
Thank you so much. It means a lot to me to hear such high praise from you. =)
I leave a lot of my one-shots open-ended so that you as the reader think about those questions as you leave my author page. =)
Thank you so much! Report Review
Oh!!! I liked this one a lot. I love your exciting little twists. I really like this Louis guy. Haha, same as usual, another great story =)
-Your CousinAuthor's Response: Thank you! ^_^ Report Review
This was very well written, and very creepy. What's up with Louis? The poor guy has got himself completely psyched out. The readiness and lightening speed with which he assumes guilt for Scorpius is, in a word, distrubing. We don't even know for sure that he is dead - I mean, Harry Potter fell quite a distance off his broom and lived. Getting hit by a pole shouldn't be that different from being hit with a bludger, and people live through that everyday. Makes me think there is something more going on here.
The way that Louis refers to him as Scorpius instead of Malfoy from the beginning suggests a greater familiarity between the two than the 'family rival' Louis' reflection portrays Scorpius as. Then there is the line: "You should have stuck to your gut and stayed enemies." Were they friends? Something more, as the line "Here's a secret. He was on the other team!" suggests to me? Although that could just be an imagined double meaning on my part. There is no slash warning, after all. But can't help feel that, whatever the reason for it, there was already a internal struggle within Louis, and Scorpius was at the heart of it. Like the guilt was already there, you know? That, or Louis was a few cents short of a dollar to begin with.
Anyways, very creepy, very dark, very powerful, very thought-provoking story. I really enjoyed it!
MaryAuthor's Response: :D That's the plan!
Thank you so much! Disturbing is a good word. I take that as a compliment. I've recently become very intrigued with psychological thriller works, both in literature and in film, so it was fun for me to explore on my own.
I purposely left the question of Scorpius's ultimate end unanswered. I thought that made it creepier =P
That's an interesting point. I hadn't intended for anything other than acquaintances to be part of their relationship, but I can see how you would get that impression. I just meant that by Louis feeling incredibly guilty, it's almost as though he IS friends with Scorpius. His alter-ego is saying that if he were really his enemy and weren't such a bighearted guy, this guilt wouldn't be happening and it wouldn't be a problem.
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your feedback ^-^ Report Review
Hey, Mids! It's Kristen ^_^. How's it been going? Did you get my PM? (sorry if that was going too far, I just thought it would be cool to know what general area to look out for Mids in Real Life xD) Anyway, I saw this in the "New Story" thread and I was just like, "must read now!"
And so I did.
It was very, very well written with an enticing plotline. I can't get enough of the dark/horror stories that focus more on the psychology than the blood and gore. I just find those more frightening, and not to mention, dynamic. How many horror flicks that are drenched with blood and people's brains have that one black guy who goes out for a pee and never returns, or the blonde bimbo who asks "Who's there?" before getting ripped to pieces by an axe or chainsaw?
This story was wholly original, and it brought up alot of questions to me. Was Scorpius REALLY dead, or was Louis jusy psyching himself into thinking he was? Was there a face in the mirror or was Louis just plain crazy from the pressure he put on himself? I like how these questions are sort of left to the reader to interpret for themselves. I personally think Louis just had a few fries and his toy missing from his Happy Meal.
I thought it was interesting how the only dialogue was between Louis as the superego and Louis as the id fighting ownership over Louis' soul and the fragments of his sanity. It was all very paradoxical, how Louis kept trying make himself the good guy when in actuality he is also a black hat. Everybody else was mute. I think it added to the effect that this was ALL about Louis. Does that make sense?
I did notice a couple language cliches, though. In the one part you said "blanketed by dark clouds." It's not that big of a deal since it is really good, but I thought I'd just point that out. I think people fret too much about cliches; there should be an HPFF challenge where it makes you take a cliche and bend it to your will so it's original.
I'm so glad you wrote about Louis. I never see him here! It's always his sisters. What made you decide to do so? Plus, kudos on making him Hufflepuff. Yay for the Hufflepuffs! They need to have the spotlight too (as well as Ravenclaws) instead of being portrayed as their typical house qualities.
I can't wait to see what other stuff you'll come up with in the future, Mids, because if this is a sign of what's to come, I'll be pleasantly pleased ^_^.
Have a great day!
Kristen :)Author's Response: Hi, Kristen!
Thank you so much! I'm glad you picked this one up, so to speak. =)
I'm not a big horror fan. I actually just started watching scary movies, and I prefer the clean ones. I prefer psychological thrillers, so I guess that's what comes out in my writing.
I'm not answering those questions because the cliffhanger of the possible answers is what makes it scary, I think. =)
Yes, that makes sense, and I appreciate you pointing that out. I made sure that the focus was on Louis's fights with himself. Thank you =)
I've never written about Louis before so that was kind of fun. =) I don't know why. I needed someone that would seem vulnerable and young, someone who would fall prey to this sort of guilt.
Thank you so much! I appreciate your reviews, as always ^-^ Report Review
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