Sorry I took so long to get around to you.
When the man calls out why she is under arrest, he would be more direct on the details, so instead of what he said, he would say something like "You are under the arrest for the murders of 10 witches, 4 wizards and 3 goblins [etc] that took place between [date] and [date]."
In the next sentence when he says that she's trespassing, the next sentence doesn't sound right, that she should come with them quietly, because she's trespassing? What? I might be slow tonight, but that sounds odd to me. You could say something like that she's in enough trouble without kicking up a storm and she should come quietly- not because she's trespassing.
"Oh, sweet Merlin. I didn't even see her. I couldn't even see--", - I don't think a man, under attack would be able say such a long line. You could cut off the end part and have just "Oh, sweet Merlin!" ---and then carry on with your description, because it's an attack and would be quick.
Also, they are 6 fully trained aurors- I know, even if she is powerful, that she would be outnumbered by them and wouldn't have the slightest chance of escape.
OMG!! Shocker!! Was not expecting the men to be actual people that we knew...wow!!
At the end of the first part, where Harry doesn't want to be around "the stench of rotting corpses"- but aren't they the blokes she's just killed? They wouldn't be rotten now.
I just noticed now, why is George working at a desk job, it's not something I could see him doing? What happened to his joke shop?
Ew. Survivors guilt is a terrible thing, imagine having to live with such thought? -shudders-
A little mistakes I spotted- "stare down her ceiling"- how can you stare "down" a ceiling, when it's above you.
A few parts of the story would read better with more description, like this one "Then, all of a sudden, a hand flew out and pulled her down to the ground."- you could write something along the lines of..."Suddenly, a hand roughly grabbed her shoulder, and before she could do more than blink, she was dragged down, her body slamming hard against the damp earth..." Bad example, I know.
When George explains why he's been looking for her, he wouldn't say the line he said. He wouldn't say it so calmly, he'd be raging, cursing even, throwing a tantrum that she out-smarted him again, and instead of revealing that he was amazed by her, let him give out to her for it "I don't how the hell you got away with all the shit you've pulled, but I can guarantee I'll be the person to drag you're ass down..."
The little duel the two of them have could do with more details on sounds, movements, emotions etc.
When he tells her that his daughter isn't hers you could break it before he says "Please, kill me" - so you could write something like this...
"I know my darling little baby girl isn't mine," he shook, turning his bright blue eyes away from her as tears began to fill them. Neither said anything, and slowly he turned back towards her, the tears leaking down his cheek.
"I am not her father," the silence that followed was deafening.
"Please, kill me," and, in her heart, Gabrielle knew he meant every word.
Okay, a little tip when writing real emotional, deep pieces, like this lovely piece. Use words and commas to slow down the sentence and describe what's going on to get a real eerie, slow, morbid feel to it. I'll throw out an example, just encase I've just completely confused you.
"Closing her eyes and opening them slowly, she let a few more salty tears escape again. Gabrielle positioned both hands in front of her as if to pray."
You could write...
"Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath, before opening them up to the dark, empty barn. Large, salty tears rolled down her cold cheeks as she watched her hands move to position them in front of her heaving chest, as if to prey."
I think it would of be nicer if it was a short-story about her reign of terror and all the horrible things she has supposedly done, and you could develop her a bit more too.
Also, I wanted to say that at the beginning I thought she was innocent and running away from evil people, but then you change it to the fact that she isn't all that innocent, which I thought you did very very well. :)
Overall it was good, but I would love to see a short-story to go with it -nudge nudge- :DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the suggestions and feedback. & don't worry about the wait; I don't mind. I'm just glad you reviewed. :]
I'll definitely put your thoughts into consideration. :D
Thank you again! Report Review
Sorry it's taken me so long to do this but hopefully it'll be worth it.
I thought this was incredibly well written. I loved the opening sequence. It was done really well and you really built up a feel for the characters. You started it in an interesting way by having Loken as the heroine in the story who was been hunted and then later on you switched it to show she was bad and deserved persecution.
I liked the way you ended by showing that Loken was only truly happy once she could escape life. I was a very powerful last line and it concluded the story extremely well, summing up the general theme.
I also liked the way you showed the back story with her parents as it made her character more real and really helped the reader understand why she is the way she is. Was curious as to why Voldemort would let her off a mission. I guess he might if he held her in high esteem.
I did have a couple of questions though. Was it necessary to have Harry in there? It seemed a little random to me as he didnít feature in the rest of the story. And also why did George change his mind about killing Loken? I think I may have missed that point. Was it just because she should some remorse and was that enough to end his obsession with killing her? Maybe showing a little more emotion from the two of them would help clarify this.
Incidentally why Malfoy Mannor? Just curious about that one, it makes sense but just generally wondering about why you picked it.
There were a few things that I wasn't too sure about. The first being that six highly skilled trained aurors being outwitted by one woman and a little bit of darkness. Just seemed a little unlikely. Maybe say two aurors if she didn't give them the chance to come in properly and talk to her. Then the fact that George and Loken both wanted to die. I didn't feel like either of them had enough of a reason. George could have just left Angelina and I'm sure his friends could have helped him pick up his life again and Loken proved in the first part of the story that she was a born survivor so it seemed a little off she'd just kill herself.
All in all I thought it was quite an interesting story. It's something a little different and I think this worked but might need a few little tweaks. :)Author's Response: It's alright; didn't mind waiting. Thank you so much for your feedback.
I put Harry in there because I post these stories else where and it was my way of telling them that it was indeed a Harry Potter fic & George didn't exactly change his mind, he just knew that he COULDN'T kill her. It's at Malfoy Manor because that is where the headquarters is. And, like I said to someone else's review, the Auror's haven't been in that position for too long, that's why I put not-so-known character's in. Plus, I didn't write too much info on them because they weren't all that important & I was trying to communicate how irrelevant they are to her; that's why it's so easy to dispose of them.
And I made them both die because if they both lived, there would be no story; or it would not be as intense as I hoped it would be.
But I'm really glad that you found this one-shot interesting and that you enjoyed it. :]
Thank you again! Report Review
Well, this was an interesting read!
By the way, this is mizzxpearl with your reivew! ;)
Okay, so the writing itself was done absolutely beautifully! Major props for that! I felt as though I was in the story itself.
Your details were wonderful.
The one thing that didn't sit so well was the beginning for me. I just couldn't see six trained Order members loosing to one person because the lights were out. I don't really think that they would even walk into a house without lighting their wands. Also, I'm probably being nitpicky here, but one small sentence that you added really bothered me. You said that Harry left because he didn't want to smell the stench of dead bodies. I just don't see Harry leaving his friends, such as Seamus, just because he couldn't stand the smell. The Harry seemed OOC.
But, like I said before, besides that the story was wonderfully written! It's sad that even after five years Voldemorts still in power. You were able to create that dark aura for your story. And your flow was amazing, too!
Keep writing! :DAuthor's Response: :]
I understand. Personally, I wasn't even going to have Harry in the story, since it wasn't about him. But, I figured, it's a HP fanfic, might as well add him in.
And the bit about the Aurors, I know. Very unlikely. & I knew this when I was writing it that's why I put minor characters in as the Aurors. So it's not a dramatic loss and the reader doesn't scream at me saying "THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE & TOTALLY UNREALISTIC!" You kind of follow me? Meh, oh well. It's already been written and I'm not going to change up the whole thing. Haha. x]
But thank you so much for the compliments and feedback. :] It made me smile :D. Report Review
Wow. I was honestly entranced from beginning to end, and that is a wonderful feeling when reading fanfiction. I just need to start from the beginning, because I'm a bit overwhelmed with how much I loved this piece.
What an enthralling beginning. The recurring line was integrated quite seamlessly--that is, I never felt as if it was being said too often, which I regularly feel when I read repeated phrases. Those lines, though, felt perfectly innate, and they set the stage beautifully for the rest of the piece. I definitely got the V for Vendetta vibe, which definitely hooked me in.
I was absorbed by your first lines. I loved how you structured them--the silence was deafening, and then a succession of what was not occurring. Stunning juxtaposition there. As this first section continued on, that V for Vendetta feeling came out even more and it got me extremely excited to find out what would happen. You embodied V's refined nonchalance so well in Gabrielle, and it made her a really fascinating character.
I'm going to go on a tangent about Gabrielle before I get too far. I oftentimes dislike characters like Gabrielle. I get the feeling that they are haughty and feministic and heartless and I don't see dimension to them. Your exposition of her, on the other hand, made me adore her. I never got the feeling that I was supposed to like or dislike her. Instead, there were times that I was rooting for her wholeheartedly and other times when I was berating her. You made her multi-faceted, which I appreciate immensely. I was attached to her by the end of the piece, and I was really interested in what would come of her. They say that playwrights and novelists write plays and stories about the most important days in a character's life. I think for both Gabrielle and George, these were some of their most important days, and I was rapt as I waited to find out how things would turn out.
The second main section was my favorite. The idea of not wanting to live is a hard one to play with, but I truly got the feeling that both of them were ready to die. You executed that scene with such finesse, and I felt my face scrunching up in concern as their interaction progressed. I love when I get that absorbed with a piece of writing. And then the Shakespeare quote... It was placed in the perfect spot and expressed the perfect sentiment. There was something so tragic about it. It was as if she was saying, these are your last moments, so if you want to cry, you better do it. Now or never. Subsequently, I loved the concept of whispering to him as if to a lover. It showed an unlikely connection that I found intriguing, and it added a whole new level to what was occurring.
Overall, I loved it. It was incredibly powerful, and I was utterly swept up in the story, which doesn't happen as often as I'd like when I read fanfiction. You stayed true to the canon, yet you weaved an entirely new storyline in this one-shot. It makes me want to know Loken's whole story, honestly.
I better stop before I go on for too long. Thank you so much for participating, and thank you even more for writing this piece. Beautiful work.
-ChristineAuthor's Response: :)
May I just say that you made my year.
Thank you so much for the compliments & I'm glad that the story was as powerful as I was trying to make it. :D
Overall, I'm just happy you enjoyed it.
Again, thank you so much for feedback. :]
And no problem. This challenge was very, very fun. :D Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection