I just love this! Its so cute and amazingly realistic! Your details are right on spot and the dialog is fantastic! I really do love this story and has great potiental for a wonderful story in the making! :D Report Review
Oh my goodness, your imagery is just fantastic! I can see the Molly and Teddy encounter happen in my mind, as you've described most everything! All the details!
Why does Molly HAVE A BOYFRIEND?! :O And, haha, Benny the Boob? Interesting name...
Ok, down to the nitty gritty. I can see you've wanted to make some words italicized as the code shows up around the words..I don't know if you want to keep them there or not? Well, that's for you to decide.
Grammar is practically perfect in this chapter! And that's saying something, as I am the Official Stickler of Grammar(;
I've never read a Teddy/Molly story before actually, so this is quite intriguing! :] I like especially how they're connected by pie! Keep writing!
~foundriapenguin Report Review
Hi! This is Foundriapenguin from the forums!
What a storm of emotion! I almost feel overwhelmed, but in a good way. You've managed to display so many emotions in one chapter very well. And the humor! I like how you put Go Fish as a mind-numbing game because I totally agree!
Not many grammar issues I can see here. They're very little ones, and they might mess up with the flow of the story so I won't mention them(:
There were some sentences I think that could be rephrased (but this is just personal preference). You don't need to change them, but to make the flow better, you might want to consider it. There's one sentence where you write:
"Their knees bumped briefly and she flinched and drew hastily away."
A bit redundant, I think. Their knees did this and she did this and this. Perhaps you'd like to word it this way instead?
"Their knees bumped briefly, and she flinched, drawing hastily away."
I'm not 100% sure on this one, but I thought I'd give you a heads-up about it. (:
There's also another paragraph that seems kind of smushed up to me:
"Did you, Ted? Did you really?" she demanded. He racked his brain, went through every word of their conversation at the grocer's, but couldn't pinpoint ever saying he was sorry. "Well I'm saying it now. I'm sorry."
I was kind of confused; for a moment I thought Molly was the one saying the line at the end. Maybe you want to separate the paragraph after "she demanded." It really works better with the flow, I think, and still keeps the emotion alive!
This chapter was a wonderful introduction to the characters and the issue at hand. So much drama, too! There were some "too good to be true" coincidences that made my eyebrows go uP (positioned just like that! haha), like Teddy moving into the apartment on the exact same floor. But what's a story without cliches and coincidences? (:
Great job! Now I'm off to the next chapter.
~foundriapenguin Report Review
So, I'm not sure I have a lot to add here. Getting to know more about everyone. The pie was cute - nicely done subtext there. The plot's moving. The pacing is still quick which I think is still good.
I noticed you dropped the scene labels. I liked them. Even though you don't strictly need them, I liked the documentary type feel they gave the story.
Keep it up - but don't forget Alice!
~Ty Report Review
This was a fun read and, as you may know, I have a fondness for friends/turned more than friends/turned who knows. Lots of yummy tension and possibilities.
I like the date/time/place scene transition (and apparently the '/' today as well). The story feels very quick paced with a lot of characters interacting and that layout suits it. I've said it before- you are good at giving a sense of character through their actions and dialogue - that also suites a story with multiple characters. And, I wouldn't worry about too many characters as long as they all contribute to moving the storylines along. The one suggestion I would make regarding that is to decide if you are going to use full names or nick names outside of dialogue (Dom/Dominique, Roxy/Roxanne). Switching back and forth adds complexity, especially when even more variations of nicknames are being used in the dialogue.
Ok, it's me so I have to mention adverbs (feel free to roll your eyes and skip forward). There was one spot (paragraphs 4-6) where I felt like adverbs intruded. You are better than them. End of.
'Dom, abandoning her quest for a drink, settled for drinking orange juice straight from the carton.' -- I think Dom was on a quest for a glass ;)
In sum, I think your first real next gen is off to a great start. Looking forward to finding out everyone's story.
~Ty Report Review
Crumbs, I'm a horrible person.
I read this as soon as you updated, but only just realised today that I haven't left a review for it. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me, dearest? Pretty please?
Anyway, I loved this chapter! The metaphor of the pie was so cute and very Molly-like. And I'm glad that she and Teddy are on okay terms, but now I must ask - why the hell does she have a boyfriend? Stupid Benny the Boob. Should get his butt kicked, he should!
And I'm curious to see where this whole Rose-working-at-the-pub thing will go, especially since she's in training and all that jazz. Such a shame that Sam is married, you know; they'd be cute, like Sam and Tara from True Blood, except not. :P
Also, am anxious to get some Molly/Teddy action because it has been severely lacking up to this point. Can't wait to see where you go with this, dear!
P.S. Sorry for the lackluster review!Author's Response: No, I am the horrible person! So sorry its taken so long to respond!! And there is nothing to forgive, you are under no obligation to read or review! :)
Glad you liked the pie scene! And yes, Benny should get his butt kicked. You will see more reasons why he sucks in coming chapters ;)
Ah, she has to work there because the Auror training is unpaid. A lot of the kids have two jobs - one as a sort of 'internship' and the other to pay the bills. They
'll be revealed as the story progresses :)
Hahahahaha I never thought about the Sam-True Blood-bartender connection! My subconscious was clearly working when I wrote that bit :P
I have SO many Molly/Teddy scenes written in my head and a lot of them already down on paper. I just have to get to those points in the story first lol
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing my dear! ILY!
This is a great story. I normally don't like Molly or Lucy stories. I guess it's a bad association w/ Percy. Ha but I love this one! I like that Rose's character isn't just another Hermione Granger. I'm curious why you made up a brother for Scorpius, and why you didn't just have Scorpius date Rose. Unless he'll pop up in the story somehow. I hope so! Also I love that they all went to McDonalds for breakfast/lunch. It IS the best to go when you have a hangover! Anyway I can't wait to meet Molly's b/f and hopefully learn more about why Teddy up and left w/ no communication to Molly for so long!Author's Response: Why thank you :) Honestly, in my mind, I don't even associate the two girls with him, though I probably should! And yes, making Rose the opposite of the traditional portrayal was important to me. I'm kind of a non-conformist writer when it comes to characterizations and pairings lol
Oh Scorpius will definitely pop into the story ;) You'll see why I created Leo when that happens lol
Thanks so much for this wonderful review! It is really, really appreciated :) Report Review
Oh my goodness, you TGS people are going to convert me to Molly/Teddy. I loved this Dani, and I am a HUGE skeptic when it comes to Molly/Ted.
I didn't find it boring or confusing at all, the next gen kids are so established in fanon, it is almost expected that you see them all. I thought splitting it into three parts worked beautifully, particularly in establishing your characterisation, which is excellent as always. With single lines you manage to convey even minor characters like James vividly. You also manage to portray a slightly jerkish element to Ted which isn't that common and refreshing!. Interested in the Leo backstory as well.
The ending was a wee bit heavy on the melodrama, but the piece on a whole has such a lovely feel to it (excuse how inarticulate I am today) that I really can't wait to read more, and I am sure it will continue to be amazing! You have so much talent lovely, and the range of styles you can write comfortably in is a testament to that!Author's Response: Hahaha I am sorry! I'm glad you enjoyed it nonetheless :D
Oh, thank goodness! I went into this fic assuming that everyone would know who the Next Gen kids were - especially as the genre has been around for so long! So it's great to hear that it was alright :)
Aw, thank you. I can't tell you how much it means to hear that! I'm so unbelievably focused on making characters 'leap' off the page - mainly, making them interesting and realistic and multi-faceted! Teddy especially - he is definitely a bit of a jerk here, and that's really important to him and the story.
Oh goodness, I do apologize for that. It was a spur of the moment decision, prompted by my frustration with HPFF - sometimes I just feel like a lot (not all, of course) of the extremely popular fics are littered with melodrama and it irks me a little! lol. Very mature, I know :P
Thank you so, so, so much for this lovely review!!! It means the world.
The thing that struck me most about this opening was that you've implied lots of things especially between Rose and Teddy and I thought that was absolutely brilliant. I mean you've set up this opening and immediately got the reader hooked and completely interested in what youíve written. It was really good and you certainly have my attention. I was actually a little upset when it was over because I wanted to read more and to find out more about your characters. It wasn't at all boring.
I liked the way you had thought through where the different characters would live and who you had background stories to each of them creeping in Ė like Rose and Leo. It just showed carefully planning which I think is one of the most important things in story writing. Well I can't start a story until I've planned out characters, storylines etc. I quite liked your writing style. Itís fairly easy going and easy to get drawn into.
I thought it was good how you had shown a lot of Molly and Teddy's characters just through the scenes you had but I was mildly concerned that with some many other characters you might have trouble showing more of them. Well I guess you have a few more chapters to do that in but I only really got a feel for Molly and Teddy in this one. Both of whom I quite liked. :)
There were a couple of small things that annoyed me. One was the fact you had written times, dates and places before each scene. It might just be me but I feel that any writer should be able to incorporate this into the text. Although dates are generally too important. The other thing was that you had written 398/399 instead of the words.
With regards to having too many characters I would say don't introduce them unnecessarily as it can get confusing so only use the ones you really need to. At the moment I am a little confused. I had to look up who they all were as I couldn't remember. So it might be helpful to explain that somewhere in your story. Just a thought anyway.
But I did really like this chapter and so keep up the good work. :)Author's Response: Hey! SO SO SO sorry for the delayed response. Hate me and I would understand :)
Oh wow! Thank you. That's exactly what I wanted to get across in that first part. It's just a really emotionally charged, heavy scene and I wanted it to jump off the page/screen as this kind of fantastic love story that people want more of right from the beginning. So glad it got across well :) And not boring? Thank goodness!
This story actually had a LOT of background planning go into it - which isn't something I usually do, but I think it made for a better story in the long run because I already had a firm grasp of my characters and their back stories!
Compliments on my writing style are always so, so appreciated. Some days I absolutely loathe my writing and others I am proud of what I wrote - and the compliments definitely help sway me toward the latter.
Molly and Teddy are and will be the main-main characters, so they're the ones I will be most concerned with through the course of the fic :)
Ah, thank you for your input! I will changed the days thing, however as the feedback for the exact dates and times thing has been on both side of the spectrum I'm going to keep that. At least for now :)
As Next Gen fics have been around for a while, I wrote this with the assumption that people would know automatically the relationships among them. There has been some confusion though, so I may include a sort of relationship tree/diagram in coming chapters!
Thanks so much for your review! It's greatly appreciated!
Hey! This is mizzxpearl with your review. :D
Okay, the story itself is very well written and if there was another chapter up, I would have gone on and read that too (which is saying something)! The only reason that this story didn't totally captivate me was that Molly is the main character and she's pared up with Teddy. That's not really cannon, and I'm pretty sure there's a pretty big age difference between the two, but maybe you wrote it like that on purpose. Also, who's Leo? He's suppposed to be a Malfoy? Did you write him in place of Scorpius? Just curious; Rose and Scorpius are one of my favourite pairs!
One more question, who's Luce? You sprung him up, and I searched the story to see if he popped up anywhere before but he didn't. Be careful of that! And James and Roxy share an apartment together? Arn't they supposed to be cousins? Like I would understand if it was James, Al, and Lily, but I don't know...cousins...I just find that kind of awkward...
I'm sooo sorry, I don't mean to leave this story a negative review! So much of it is personal prefrence though so you can just ignore it! Also, it might be because I REALLY do like this story a lot (which usually don't happen over one chapter, so props for that!), and it has soo much potential to turn into a REALLy good story, so I'm just spitting out advice that I might think would help up.
Other than what I mentioned, this story is really good so far! For some reason though, I don't really like Molly so far. Her character didn't really seep through, but this is only your first chapter, and getting a character across in one chapter is a really hard thing to do! I do like Rose, Dom, and Teddy though! Though I'm not sure if I'm supposed to like Teddy at the moment considering what he did. :P
Anyway, keep it up! Please drop by again when your next chapter is out, I would love to read it!!! :DAuthor's Response: Molly's age isn't actually fixed at all so I had a lot of flexibility with that - so her and Teddy are only a few years apart here (I do have a list somewhere on my other computer, but off the top of my head I think Molly is 23 and Teddy is 26).
Luce is Lucy Weasley, Molly's sister :P lol I just assumed by now that everyone knew who all the Next Gen characters were, which I realize now was probably an oversight by me =
Yeah, they are cousins. I suppose it is really a personal thing, because I did live with my cousins for a time and it wasn't an issue for us. So yeah, definitely personal opinion!
Oh, no! It's totally fine - I appreciate every piece of constructive criticism, I promise :)
Thanks so much for the review!! It means a lot :) Report Review
This was really really good. I loved every word. It wasn't confusing, or boring. The whole story had me just waiting for the next move. This was great! Your emotion was awsome! And getting the charateriztion was just right! Way to go! Great story! :DAuthor's Response: Thank you!! XD It means SO much to hear that you liked this. Seriously, this was so awesome to read - your compliments made me smile :)
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!! Report Review
I really enjoy what you're doing with this story :) I love that you've decided to stray away from the typical next gen pairings! It's so refreshing :D
First off, I really liked the chapter title. I know that's such a small thing to pick up on, but it made me LOL just at the sight of it. Then, when I finished going through the whole chapter, I just loved the way you connected it with the title. Twas a cute and funny way to cap off a kind of sad and angsty chapter.
I don't think there were too many characters at all - I actually really liked how you tied everyone together. The way you set up everyone's ages was well thought out and worked really well with the story. Halfway through, I was wishing I had more cousins around my age to hang out with :D
I do think it was complicated, but it a good way! You used the plot to your advantage, to inform the reader but make me curious at the same time. Which is perfect, especially for a first chapter! I love the beginning scene especially, because it started with a bang and completely captured my attention.
I don't think you needed that last asterisk separation, because there wasn't really any time that elapsed between the two scenes. Other than that I liked what you did with each scene, as I think it developed the story in it's own way.
Uhh hm what else. I love Dom's character! She seems so spunky and crazy, I have a feeling she will be a source of comedic relief in the future :D
Thanks for throwing this my way :D Favorites!Author's Response: I actually got the ship from other people on TGS, so I deserve no credit whatsoever! :P
Usually I just go the lame route and title the chapters "Chapter One/Two/Three" etc, but for some reason I decided to actually be creative with this fic :P So it's great to hear you picked up on it!
That is so relieving to hear!! I know some people aren't familiar with all the Next Gen kids so I was a bit nervous about that. But yay, it worked!! :)
Haha, yes, that scene was really fun to write. The tension in Molly/Teddy scenes is just amazing - I kind of adore it, like I said. So expect a lot more of that in the future!
Ah, yes. I went back and removed it - thanks!
Yes, Dom's character (and James', actually) were ones that just kinda jumped from my fingers to the page. I didn't plan it, which is the best thing I think. I love when characters surprise you, as the author, like that XD
Thank so much for reviewing!!! Report Review
DANI. DANI. DANI. DANI.
OH MY GAWD.
I can't even begin to describe how amazing this is. Seriously - I am at a loss for words.
The characters are PERFECT. Each of them are unique in their own ways - obviously as that is what uniqueness entails - but beyond that. They are just so - gah! Even though we didn't see much of him, I think I like James the best. And Roxy. They're both funny in their own immature ways. :P
I loved the opening sequence - it allowed the readers to get a feel of the relationship between Molly and Teddy as well as the characters themselves. And then the smooth transition into the scene with Dom and James playing Go Fish. It was very nicely done and displayed their characters rather well. It had that sort of sitcom feel to it without being overly cheesy, if you know what I mean. Which, chances are, you probably don't, but whatever.
Also, it was NOT boring. It was NOT too confusing. Everything was perfect. There was just enough action to keep the reader interested throughout and you did a fabulous job at establishing the main plot of it.
In short, I LOVE THIS. Keep it up, my dear! ILY.
XOXOXOAuthor's Response: MOLLY. MOLLY. MOLLY. SHUSH UP :P
You are WAY too kind, my dear. Seriously. My ego inflates exponentially every time I read one of your reviews lol
Hahaha, yes, James! He is so much fun to write, I don't even know why. I never planned for it - it just sort of happened (as most of my best ideas do, I'd say). Their immaturity is probably why I love writing them so much - being so immature myself :P
Oooh yes, that was marvelous fun to write! Writing that tension was way too fun for my own good. Seriously, I'd hate if that happened to me but writing it - yeah, I'm a terrible person :P
YES! That is EXACTLY what I wanted to get out of this. The whole sitcom feel - so yay, glad I got that through :)
You. Are. Too. Kind. Seriously. ILY SO MUCH DEAR! Report Review
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