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Reading Reviews for Daddy's Little Girl
  
9 Reviews Found

Review #1, by HPizmalife Daddy's Little Girl

23rd July 2011:
I love it(: I see so many Draco/Hermione or Draco/Ginny or Draco/Luna or whatever, but hardly anyone does Draco/Astoria(:

Author's Response: Thank you :) x

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Review #2, by lunarocks14 Daddy's Little Girl

13th October 2010:
This is amazingly sweet, who'd've thought Draco would ever fall in love? Bless him :) I love it soo much, the way he proposed to her was inmmensely cute. 10/10!!

Author's Response: Aw..glad you like it :D

thanks for the review! :D

Love
Ak~


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Review #3, by HarrietHopkirk Daddy's Little Girl

29th March 2010:
Hey! It's Hattie from the forums with the review you requested about a million years ago. Sorry about that. Real-life has been an absolute shocker this past month, and I've been so busy with that and my stories that my review thread became a little dusty with neglect.

Anyway, moving on.

I like the bit at the beginning. You use a good use of vocabulary and your sentence structure is very varied. There is a good ratio between complex sentences and shorter ones, which make it easy for the reader - it isn't jumpy or too complicated. I would just be careful about overusing commas. For example, in this sentence:

So when Blaise asked him to be his Best Man, it came as no surprise to Draco, asking him was a mere formality, the moment the announcement had been made, he knew he was the Best Man.

I believe that the sentence would flow better if it was broken up into shorter ones, because as it is, it is a little confusing. Something like this, for example:

It came as no surprise to Draco when Blaise asked him to be best man. Draco knew that he was best man the moment the announcement had been made, and asking him was a mere formality.

Apart from that, the overall opening is good. The history between the characters and the 'pre-story' is subtly written - it is not too 'in your face' or too much to take in all at once.

I also like the flipping between the past and the present, and the different tenses. The ending is very, very sweet! Draco/Astoria is a personal favourite of mine - everyone always thinks that he is going to end up with Pansy. She's far too pug for me.

Overall, a good one-shot. Feel free to re-request on any other stories you have!

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Review #4, by harrylilyjames Daddy's Little Girl

16th March 2010:
Hey!!

Here with my review as requested!! [slightly late, I know]

I love the very start of it, I'm not into Draco-centric fics, but that little first paragraph really got me into the story. That was a really nice beginning.

Yea, Draco and Bliase would be distantly related, because all Pureblood people would be somehow related...freaky, isn't it? Why did the Greengrass home-school only one of their children? That's a bit odd, you could add on a few sentences explaining why they didn't send her to school...just an idea.

Ummm.I don't think he would bring Hermione Granger into it, I know he's on speaking terms with her, but he might think of his amazing mother rather than Hermione. -shrugs- Just what I think.

"And she said all of this, with a smile on her face."- I think the sentence would sound better if the comma between 'this' and 'with' wasn't there.

"Suddenly, I felt a bumped into something"- I think this is just a typo, but Should it it "Suddenly, I bumped into something..."

Ummm...I feel like there could be more say on the matter of Hermione being his boss. I would of liked him to have a little rant about it...tehe. Also, why the hell is he driving?? Sorry, I just cannot see Draco even touching a car, Ron drives, but he's married to Hermione and he would most likely want to know more about cars and muggle things like that because of his father, but Draco is still pureblood and is still a Malfoy.

A few typos/spelling mistakes I spotted-

"was life someone had punched"- 'life' should be 'like' here, right?

"I quickly got up back on my feet..."- the words 'back' and 'up' need to be swapped around.

"ion the direction of Daphne's finger"- the 'o' in 'in'.

I just have to ask, wouldn't he not have recognised her when he spent the day shopping with her and 'supposedly' "She was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen."- I think he would remember her when he bumped into her in the shop.

Shouldn't he of waited till she said yes before sliding the wedding ring onto her finger, it's just common sense. So she can't run off and then get the money back of it.lol.

Awe, god. The ending was sweet. There's always that magical connection between father and daughter. I thought you captured it beautifully!!

Author's Response: Thank you for the review! This one's a bit rusty so I'll work on all you've pointed out! :)
love
Aakanksha


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Review #5, by Aeana Daddy's Little Girl

10th March 2010:
I'm not one for reading one-shots really but the blurb really caught my attention and I'm glad it did. Although a little fluffy for my tastes you kept the lovey dovey theme throughout and I thought it was really really sweet. Extra kudos for knocking it up in a hurry I'll definitely be checking some of your other work out xx

Author's Response: E!
OMG..Thank you so so much! It's great that you liked this chapter!
And another sque for you checking out my other stories! :D
love
Ak!


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Review #6, by Estelle Black Daddy's Little Girl

7th March 2010:
Hi there MissSpitfire, Estelle Black here with the review for your story from the chapter.
LOVE THIS STORY, so cool. I absolutely love Draco and Astoria, you don't see many of them getting around but i love them when i get the chance to read them. they make such a beautiful couple just like this story, it is amazing. the song at the wedding made me chuckle, very nice.
I would like to say thank you for entering my challenge and writing this perfect story.
cheers Estelle XOX

Author's Response: Aw, thanks so much!
Glad you liked it! :)
love
Aakanksha


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Review #7, by Sleeping Paige  Daddy's Little Girl

7th March 2010:
emmapotter,

Right, so I've decided to look at your style. Since this one didn't have many reviews, I decided to add my thoughts. If I had not seen the A/N, I would have called you out immediately, but that was not the point. As you say, that was part of a challenge. Just don't get in the habit of doing that. Yes, even if you acknowledge them, it's plagerism. Don't fall into that pattern.

Okay, the charaterisation is interesting. I don't like that you seem to switch POV in such a small piece. I can't see the point of it. Actually, I want to point out that you could have had that more limited if you kept that as third-person. I would have kept that meeting as third person because you seemly want to tell about Draco. With the first-person, your character not onlt has the viewpoint of what he thinks, but of others, and you don't need that here.

I don't see that Draco would use a car as opposed to Apparition. Yeah, he might be more open to Muggle ways, biut he wouldn't completely abandon the old ways. By the way, I see his impatience as a sticking trait. He had no reasomnn to learn to drive and probably no interest in it. Yes, Ron learns to drive, bit that's in his character. Especially if he were pressed for time. Draco wouldn't drive.

Where are your magical elements in this piece? At the very least, that song needs to play on the WWN or something. It sounnds too ordinary. Perhaps they shared music. That's my main ctiticism.

Please respond and return the favour,
Sleeping Paige

7/10

Author's Response: First off, thank you for reviewing, it means a great deal that people would actually like to get to know my style before reading my requested fic :)
Oops, my bad! I completely forgot to add the disclaimer for the lyrics! *runs off to add it*
Then, the switching of person's; yes, I'm going to be editing this when I have the time, I just wanted to put it up for the Challenge, and see how long I take to write something absolutely new. I was just challenging myself. :)

I don't think I ever mentioned that Draco was opposed to Apparition, I let him use a car since he was going shopping with his best friends in Muggle London. Perhaps, I should should mention that there, to clear all doubts.
Like I said, this one needs more work, it's just a rough outline, just about presentable and definitely NOT my best! :D

The magical elements, eh? I think I've mentioned a couple of words like pure-blood, squib, etc here and there, that good enough? I'm trying to show Draco AFTER the war as a changed man.
Plus, it would make NO sense AT ALL for a Muggle song to be playing on the WWN, very weird! :P
'They shared music'? What are you trying to point out by that? I'm confused! :/
Anyway, this review has really opened my eyes to all holes in the plot and I'll be sure to edit them out when I have the time in a week or two!
Thank you for taking out time to review!
Love
Aakanksha


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Review #8, by mizzxpearl Daddy's Little Girl

27th February 2010:
Hey! This is mizzxpearl with your review. :D

Well, I reallyy don't like reading Dramoine, but Draco/Astoria is new, orginial, and I like it. :D Hehe, I actually really like Draco as a character, I just don't like it when he's paired with unrealistic people.

ANYWAY...

Umm, I think maybe you should have made this a short story instead of a one-shot. As a one-shot, it seemed rushed. It went straight to them meeting for the first time, to being in love with each other. I was reading and was like "...wait...what!?" You know? Also, you can't change point of views in the middle of a story without a warning. Like right here:

Draco let go of her right hand and bent down on to one knee. With my free hand he took out a small velvet box that had been feeling awfully heavy for the past hour or so.

You went from third person, to first person. Then after that paragraph, you went back to first person. It was probably just a typo, but be carefull of that! Tense switching like that really distracts from the reading.

Other than that, there were some parts of this story that I really liked. I liked how he used a muggle transportation method, yet still remembered not to run because that would mean he's sorryy, and "Malfoys arn't sorry". It showed small changes in him, yet still the personality traits that wouldn't ever go away. I'm not sure if you were attending to do that, but I really liked it! I also liked how he put on a song from a Muggle band too - once again, it showed another small change in him.

All in all, this was pretty cute. Keep writing! :D

Author's Response: Aw, thank you! I will!
But I don't have the time to make it a short story, so yeah! D:
Anyway, thank you for reviewing! :)
love
Aakanksha


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Review #9, by Harry and Ginny Daddy's Little Girl

26th February 2010:
aww this fic is awesome! u need to write more stories about them!!!^_^

1000/1000

Harry and Ginny

Author's Response: I'll try! Glad you liked my first Draco/Astoria! :)
I'm new to Draco, so all the feedback I recieve is appreciated! :)
thanks for stopping by!
love
Ak~


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