4 Reviews Found

Review #1, by FoundriaPenguin Lost

4th May 2010:
Hello! This is foundriapenguin from the forums! (:

This is a great way to set up the beginning of a story! Great job! I love how you describe Hugo's and James's characters indiscreetly as they journey on into the forest.

At first I couldn't quite put my finger on what the funny thing about this story was...not in a bad way, I assure you! But I've discovered that a lot of the time, the sentence structure you use is the same. Here is an example:

"James hesitated, looking at the various tracks leading from the clearing in different directions."

In other words, the sentence is always like, "Subject action 1, action 2 direct object." Or if that's confusing, "Someone did this, then did this" and sometimes even, you go on with more actions separated by commas. In those situations, those sentences could easily be grammatically incorrect, like this one:

"I can't find them," an irritated male voice said, followed by the sound of hooves hitting wood, as the tree a few meters to the right of them shook dangerously, showering the boys with leaves.

There shouldn't be a comma before "as." It sounds like a run-on, even though technically it's not, but it does bother readers. I strongly suggest you vary your sentence structure or else it gets repetitive and boring sometimes.

Other than that, though, the storyline, plot, etc. seems exciting! :D You know your characters well. This story has potential, and I encourage you to keep up the good work!

~foundriapenguin

Author's Response: Hi :) Thankyou. I see what you mean about the sentence structure. I really should go back and fix that up. I didn't actually realise that I did that :P Thankyou so much for your helpful review!
MG


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Review #2, by phoenixy_friend Lost

17th March 2010:
They should have just let the centaurs find them.

Author's Response: Maybe... or maybe not.
MG


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Review #3, by MrsKatieGrint Lost

7th March 2010:
Ooooh! This is a crazy insane plot here! Gah! I really can't wait to see whats gunna happen!

On to the story, shall we? Your characters are well developed. I like how you don't just start out the story listing their characteristics. Most people tend to do that but I think of it as a turn off.

Your details and emotion in this story were all in check, though you could make the emotion more intense. Add some more detail to the emotion, make people actually feel like they're there.

On the other side, I think you should add some more backround info. Add in why Hugo and James tend not to get along, why Hugo doesn't trust James, how does James know where the Acromantulas are, and why the centars are after them.

Your story is really good, just get the ideas out. II really like this story line and I can't wait to see what your going to do with it! :)

Author's Response: Hi there :) Thankyou. I'll take you advice there on the emotion and background info. Anything to make the story more interesting. As for the Acromantulas and centaurs, that's in the next chapter. Or the one after that or something. I suppose I should develop that a bit more.
Thanks so much for your helpful review!
MG


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Review #4, by MissWeasley Lost

21st February 2010:
A great start to the story!
Good luck writing and please update soon :)

Author's Response: Thankyou! I will update as soon as possible.
MG


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