Reading Reviews for Dirty Little Secret
47 Reviews Found

Review #1, by heyImcrazy37 Emma Hughes

14th July 2012:
Hey :)
I was kind of expecting (and hoping for) "NO EMMA. I CHOOSE YOU!!!"
But the ending you made was awesome as well and I felt very satisfied. Nice work :D

Author's Response: YAY I'm so glad! :D I wanted it to end like that and I'm so so so so happy you liked it :'D

Ak xx

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Review #2, by estefania Emma Hughes

8th March 2011:
This was so adorably cute! I loved the ending, please write a sequel! It would be lovely :)

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Review #3, by Billie.x Emma Hughes

21st February 2011:
wow, I really liked this, and the way it didnt just turn out with them falling in love becuase thats so...cliche.
I really like it. Well done!

Author's Response: Thank you! :)

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Review #4, by Billie.x Emma Hughes

21st February 2011:
I really like this story, its really funny!
At first, when I finished the fist chapter, I forgot that it was a short story and thought that it had ended there, and I was dissappionted, but then I remembered that it wasnt! Yay!

Author's Response: Thank you :)

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Review #5, by Aiedail Emma Hughes

25th January 2011:
Hello again! Since your story is four chapters, I've decided that the beginning and end are apt chapters to review :)
I have to tell you, I needed to read this all in one sitting! I found that most of the issues I had with the first chapter mellowed out and I was able to just get into the story. While I still feel that the characters are a little dramatic, and I'm not quite sure that I believe that Emma loves James, and isn't just hung up on the fact that he rejected her once, long ago when she needed him, the twist at the end made it worthwhile. You expect, nearly the whole time, for Emma and James to end up together at the end, but the fact that they don't makes me a little happy because they're too much of an emotional pothole to be together; I feel they'd be an extremely unproductive couple as they'd always be caught in the moment, finding things to be angry about :)
Overall, congratulations on finishing up! It's hard to do, believe me, I've got three WIPs on my end of things, so I admire you for that!
I think I've touched upon the major items that you requested, so I'll leave you with a bit of advice, if I may?
For OC relationships/stories, it's very important to me, as a reader, to understand their backgrounds. This inevitably happens in most stories through the character's internal monologue: that stream of conscious, often worded thought that occurs in reaction to passing by places, seeing people, things we say/do, etc… I've got a clear grip in this story on the fact that YOU know your characters, but try giving us readers some more background information so that they're more easily-believable. Adding dimension and more than one face to a character will tend to draw the reader in and give the characters a lasting effect. You want us to get mad with the characters, not just sit back and watch the time bomb explode. You want us to cry, feeling in our hearts what they feel. And you want us to laugh with them; we want to find what they think is funny, funny to us as well. That all being said….
Thank you for the read! I've enjoyed it, and hope that the feedback I leaves provides you with some ideas for your next adventure!

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Review #6, by Aiedail James(II) Potter

25th January 2011:
Hello love, it's Aiedail from the forums here to review your story!

First is first: I like the opening. Catches my attention. Makes me want to know why this chappie is the victim of such stares!
I love the spacing that you implement between paragraphs! It helps to emphasize the way that the character thinks, as there's a natural pause to the internal reading in my head. The occasional quips of James' humor are enlightening to his character, and are realistic as well!
I'm noticing here some distracting fluctuations in tense. You begin in present, move abruptly to past, and then ease back in to present…might want to double-check that, but it's minor.
There's an overflow of detail—I like this! I'm getting a clear sense of what's happening, even though I believe you could do with cutting out some words. Stylistic choice of mine, however!
I love the bit where he mentions living up to his name as well; it's crafty, and not overstated, that he is a Potter and the pranks of his granddad run heavily through his veins.
There's an abrupt change after this, though. I'm expecting you to continue and tell me why Emma is so mad, but we move on without the usual markers (one of those things). It's a little abrupt that James bursts out into a mad rant at the latter portion of the first section. Although I personally understand how he might have gotten from mindset to mindset, it would be lovely to see some sort of internal monologue padding this up. (Tell us how he feels. Give us an italicized rant of his internal thoughts. It doesn't have to be intelligible, it should just tell us that he's angry that Fred is being presumptious enough to call his best friend and newly-discovered crush a nickname. We want to see that he feels territorial. We want to see some heat!)
Emma seems a little too sassy for me to believe in the part where she comes to wake him up. However, as I read on and find that this fits in with her character (I'm not going to say I'm completely surprised seeing as she was wheeling and screaming at him earlier), it'll be less of an issue I'm sure!
Why did he snap at her? Does he understand why? He knows he's become attracted to her; can he connect that he's displacing his attraction to Emma into anger?
I'm liking the time thing as we go along. It is especially wonderful paired with the use of present tense! It gives you a feeling that it's all happening, right now. These are people who are living their lives right now, and you believe it more when you set a time to it.
I'm finding, to my joy, that you're adding a bit more thoughts as I gobble my way through the chapter! I'm about halfway in and James is starting to notice some things; I'm getting a sense of his character here.
I love the way that the thing is a dare! It marries the two characters together in a believable, childish, playful friendship. It gets a little too tense for real life for me here, but I'm beginning to view this as more of a production, like a play, where that's allowed. I think it's the tone that will take some getting used to, where everything seems light and okay on the surface but underneath there's this boiling cauldron of intensity: possibly their feelings for each other? I'll find out ;)
Fan club! This made me smile. I seem to love stories where there's a fanclub involved.
I like the way that you handle their interaction. So far I'm believing it, and enjoying the image of Emma trying to get on James's nerves (doesn't seem hard to do, to be honest!).
Here you're still shifting from past to present; careful!
Ooooh! (Excuse the silly exclamation but I can't help myself!) You're throwing a girlfriend into the mix! I'm growing more and more fond of this little chapter (pats it on the head).
And by the end I'm still interested!
Overall, I'm into this story so far and I believe that you've done a fantastic job at setting up the different characters for us. I do have to say that in honesty the drama is a little much. But as I said, this probably fits it as a whole, and I'll let you know as I go along how I think you're progressing.
Lovely read, I'm looking forward to the next chapters!!

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Review #7, by Jessabelle Emma Hughes

28th September 2010:
Last review ):

That was a good ending! Open ends are just as good as happy endings to me, I can use my imagination~

I loved all of your characters, even the one hi-jacked from the Disney channel. xD You developed them all very well, and there was no flatness or cliches. Your plot and flow were steady and I didn't feel like there was ever a slow/boring patch. There were just a few grammar and spelling errors that you might want to fix:

"I was invited to the Easter shin dig since Rose..." Shindig is one word hon.

"I can't just be you friend!" 'You' should be 'your'.

"I was willing o die for..." 'o' should be 'to'.

"...everything I've even done to hurt you..." 'even' should be 'ever'

Plus, I think the snog at the end of your first chapter can either stay or go. It tied in with the third chapter, but it was kind of confusing until you read it ('it' being chapter 3). It's up to you! (:

All in all, that was a great story and I'm uber glad you requested a review! :D Feel free to re-request, I'd be happy to help you out.


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Review #8, by Jessabelle James(II) Potter

28th September 2010:
Well this is supposed to be the last review, but I simply HAVE to read the last chapter now. Px

It was perfectly angsty and your characterization was spot on. James has to be a little shallow, seeing as his parents are bloody Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley- it would be weird if he wasn't. That bit about Fred carrying Emma back up to the castle was great too, because he would have been raised to be chivalrous. I felt so sorry for Emma! James is such a prick, and he'd better fix this.

I'm definitely seeing some Percy-like personality traits in May, she is such a little wanker.

The flow and spelling were great in this one too, and I only caught a few grammatical errors.

"Teddy is, and he makes sure Al and (did you mean to put an 'I' here?) know it."

"So, if I heard a giggle, then it must mean that either." the period at the end of this sentence should be a colon.

Other than that, it was great! :D Onto the last one~


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Review #9, by Jessabelle Emma Hughes

28th September 2010:
Second review~

I definitely enjoyed Emma- her mind is quite...unique. (;

James is a staring contest cheater! How unfair was that? I think she should get a do-over, most definitely. As far as the chapter in general, I really liked it. Very fluffy, happy, and sweet- the flow was good too and apart from a few mistakes I found, the grammar and spelling was perfect.

"That bint(,) is so sweet, she makes me want gag."- the comma in parentheses is unnecessary.

"She has a mean Bat-Bogey Hex(;) that one..." the semicolon is unnecessary.

On to the next review!


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Review #10, by Jessabelle James(II) Potter

28th September 2010:
Jesi here with your requested review!

This seems like it will be a very sweet short story, with a happy ending and all that. One thing is, the fact that this was a one-shot before you continued it is very obvious. You might want to take out the bit about the snog, just for the sake of a smooth plot.

Even in saying that, I haven't read any of the other chapters, so you might have found a way to make it work. I'll give you a final opinion in my last review. (:

As far as characterization, I really like your main protagonists- especially Emma. The fact that James already has a long-term girlfriend is a good obstacle, and also another reason why you should remove the last bit of this chapter. I felt like you really didn't explain how/if he settled everything with May before snogging Emma's brains out. Is he playing her? Maybe it'll be clear in the next chapter? (;


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Review #11, by simi potter Emma Hughes

9th May 2010:
wow that was great
i am so looking forward to the sequel

Author's Response: :D thanks for reviewing and the rating honey! :D
the sequel- all in good time! :D

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Review #12, by whisky Emma Hughes

8th May 2010:
THATS IT?!?!!? at least they r on speaking terms now, but still!! At least there is a sequel!

Author's Response: :D hey whisky!
I love your reviews! :D they always make me smile! :D
yes! I'm working on a sequel, though I think it'll only be a one-shot..*not sure*
oh well! :D
thanks for reviewing! :D

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Review #13, by HPsmartone32 Emma Hughes

8th May 2010:
wait no no no. that can't be the end. they're not together! :( i need a sequel. haha.

Author's Response: :D you'll get one in good time! :D
thanks for reviewing! :D

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Review #14, by whisky James(II) Potter

29th April 2010:
what? but i thought he WANTED her!! idiot!! moron!! wackjob!!

Author's Response: I know right? Hey whisky! :D
I'm hating James right now, as well. ;)
He's just an extremely confused BOY, boy being the key word. :D
thanks for reviewing love

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Review #15, by OrdinarilyExtraordinary Emma Hughes

7th April 2010:
I love Emma! And great chapter, but I wonder what's going on in Marietta's head all the time...

Author's Response: Good question! :D
Sorry for the late reply, I didn't see this! :D
Thanks for reviewing! :)

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Review #16, by whisky Emma Hughes

4th April 2010:
first chapter was a little better, sorry to say, but this wasnt half bad

Author's Response: I know, right?
I'm not too happy with ths either, but it's got to do! xD
thanks for reviewing love!

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Review #17, by simi potter Emma Hughes

1st April 2010:
it was a great story
What about May I feel sorry for her

Author's Response: 10/10? For moi?
Thank you so so much! I'm really blushing so much right now! xD should read the recently validated chapter for that. I don't like Miley Cyrus, if that gives away anything! :P
thanks for reviewing hon!

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Review #18, by Blue Biro Emma Hughes

28th March 2010:
yay, finaly, thye kissed! *woop!*
love this chapter, very good! please update soon, im dying! :)
your fan becky!
100/10! you're amazing!

Author's Response: Haha, they kissed in the previous chapter too! :P
that isn't the point, anyway. :D
Thanks so much for reviewing1 I really appreciate it! :)
OMG! You're my fan? No way! :D
I'm really grinning so much right now!
And a 100/10? No way!

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Review #19, by Blue Biro James(II) Potter

28th March 2010:
hello! really likign this first chappie, really orignal, and i lvoe the song by all american rejects, so youcan see why i LOVE this story! really, you rock! :)
i tend to review every chapter so be prepered, though my reviews might be short but onyl ebcuas ei liek to read on fast! :)
your newest fan becky! :)
10/10! you rock!

Author's Response: Awww1 Thanks so much Becky!
I rock? Moi?!
*fans self*
I'm really flattered! :D
Anyway, I'm glad you like this chapter! Like I said in the A/N; it took me FOREVER to get this perfect!
I'm glad you think it's original, I for one, thought it was quite cliché. :P
Anyway, thanks for the review! :D

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Review #20, by keroberros Emma Hughes

27th March 2010:
Me again. I feel sort of bad for both of them as I can just see both Fred and May being really hurt by the ending of this. I'm really glad that they've got together although Emma's revelation that she likes James in a way other than friendship just seemed to be a bit too quick for my liking, I would have liked maybe for the tension between to the two of them to have increased a bit more but that's just me being particular.
I love your characterisation of May. She is just the quintessential jealous and possesive girlfriend: Nice and charming to everyone except for her supposed rival for James' affection. What I love even more about that is the fact that she's Neville and Hannah's daughter, you would think that she would be the epitome of shy and kind. Love. Good Job!

Author's Response: Yeah, May.
She's one of my personal favourites. People thought she came off as Mary-Sue-ish in the previous chapter, so I thought I'd add a bit of humanity (uh, weird word. Excuse my stupid vocabulary, it's really early in the morning here. I don't think too well when I'm half asleep. ;)) to her character. As of now, I think the next chapter should be either in her POV or in third person, though I am sure of one thing, its the penultimate one.
thanks for taking out the time to review, so soon too! :)

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Review #21, by keroberros James(II) Potter

27th March 2010:
This is very interesting indeed. I like the first person narrative that you have going as it enables us to get inside James' mind and see what he's thinking and develop his character as so little is known about the Next Gen kids.
James being the uber prankster and living up to the Marauders is done a lot but I like the fact that you've also made him appear relatively normal as well, like the pranking is one facet of his personality and not all he is about which is a trap some people fall in to.
I noticed that maybe on two occasions you just missed out the odd word in a sentence like "I don't which" - it just needs 'know' to be added in to it.
Other than that I like this. Good Job!

Author's Response: Sigh.
I need to learn to proof-read better.
Anyway, onto your review! :)
It really made me smile. And the fact that you think he seems normal is kind of a relief, since I was hoping he didn't sound too clichéd. :)
Thanks for reviewing! :0

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Review #22, by GryffinClawTherin_Vicky Emma Hughes

27th March 2010:
I hate you!
How could you possibly end it there?!
Gah, now I have to wait until the NEXT chapter. >=/

But I can't hate you because this is so well-written. xD
Emma, is wow. I love her character. She's strong && so much like a tomboy.
The small detail that Freddie likes her makes the story more interesting as well as the fact that May lied to Emma.
Really good.(:
Continue, SOON. ;D


Author's Response: Hey Victoria! :)
First off, thanks for taking out the time to review, it really means a lot to me! :)
If you read it again, then you'd notice that it's taking place at the same time as the first chapter, but towards the end, it shows us stuff that happened between the scene with James and May and where I left it off. :)
So it does have a lot in it. :D
Anyway, on to your review..
I'm glad you think it's well-written, I'm surprised too considering I wrote it all in one go and not like the first one, which took me forever to finish. ;D
Emma, well she's a lot of me, so, yeah, I guess you could call her a tomboy, but mainly though, she's a good mix of girly-girl and a tome boy since at the beginning, you notice, she giggles, which tome boys don't do! :D
And the next update..well that might take a while, because I'm loaded with work right now, I have to meet so many challenge deal with right now, I went mad and entered SO MANY of 'em! :P
Anyway, I'll work on it, promise! :)
Thanks do reading and reviewing, again! :)

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Review #23, by OrdinarilyExtraordinary James(II) Potter

21st March 2010:
Aw, that seems sweet. The one thing that I don't understand is that technically James is cheating on May and the way your described it, it just didn't fit. In this story, James doesn't seem like the sheating type- aggorant but not a cheater. Anyway, I'm happy that I read this so late in the edits but it makes me wonder how it came out the first time. I'll be looking out for the short story. Wonderful job!

Author's Response: :) thanks for reading.
James as a character is very impulsive and loyal. He keeps his word, no matter what. He gets that from Harry. And in this case, I think he'd do that gladly! :P Just saying. ;)

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Review #24, by whisky James(II) Potter

19th March 2010:
i dunno...i love the story, but i wish the end was more...embelished? like what happened with marrieta? and ya know.

Author's Response: Oh, there's more!
This one's officially a short story with four chapters! You should check back in about two weeks. The next should be up by then! :D
P.S: Thank you for reviewing! :D

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Review #25, by Rowen Raven James(II) Potter

16th March 2010:
so good well done, bit confused at the end though :)
you definately need a sequel as Emma never found out which defeats the object of the story.

well done!

Author's Response: Um, oh yeah!
I think the object of the story is to get Emma and James together! :D Anyway, I'm making this a short story. I'll finish writing all the chapters and then put them up one-by-one! :)
Thanks for reviewing!

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