This story is quite fantastically amazing. I /love/ it :) Especially how you've put the Marauders in there. Obviously, for the purposes of the story they're the same again - which sort of bugged me because I am usually pretty canon - but I think it worked here.
Really, you've done really well on this story and I like the 'games' as you've put it. It's nicely written, descriptive and emotionally activating.
So! Please update :)
Ps. I am very well looking forward to Ted and some more Marauders.Author's Response: Yes it has been moved around rather a lot to fit in with everything. I'm sometimes a bit of a canon freak myself so I can understand where your coming from canon wise but this somehow works. I hope to get another chapter out before Christmas but we'll see!
Thanks for the review! Report Review
Fun! Not for her. her dad had surely gone mad by that point. listening to Bella and Cissa made me want to slap them. It he was so in need of false praise then I'm surprised it took so long for Andromeda to find out about it. Good story. Off to the next chapter. Happy writing.Author's Response: Thanks. I feel bad for Narcissa actually because she's on the worst position. Never slap a pregnant gal ;)
I really enjoyed reading this chapter. The depth of the emotions that you gave Andromeda was so realistic. I liked that you didn't make her a complete rebel like Sirius, but that she had wanted to please her father and had loved her sister. This makes her situation all the more pitiable.
I also think you did a nice job in characterizing Sirius and his reaction to her situation. It showed that, even though he hated his family, he still worried about some of them like Andromeda and even Narcissa (with him mentioning that she was gone).
I only found two mistakes and they are:
1.) "She had always secretly that she could be like him and now she had her chance."
I feel like there is a word missing in between "secretly" and "that".
2.) "Andromeda slowly made her way out of the dungeons and in to the Entrance Hall."
"in to" should be "into".
Other than these small errors, this was another fantastic chapter. Good work!Author's Response: Thanks again for such a great review! I think the missing word may be wished. Well, that's what it says in the original document anyways, I'll have to change that. I'm so glad you approve of the characterisations! Andromeda was difficult because we really don't know much about her but I always felt that perhaps she was at some point close to her family. Thanks again Eternal you rock! Report Review
That was such a fascinating story, especially since you added the unique twist of basing this off of King Lear. I thought that was a perfect play to use for the Black family and that it showed off the inner dynamics of that family extremely well. Every character was incredibly well characterized.
There isn't much in this chapter that I really found wrong, except one paragraph and it is here:
"I don't care what he says anymore. He can curse me and cuss me and I will still love him as I ought to. I'll be the one who is there for him when he opens his eyes and sees what he's done. It's not like I've run off with a Muggle! I just hope that Cissy will not sway the same way as Bella has. Bella! She will twist this and I'll be disowned by Uncle Orion as well! I'm sure Walpurga will then make sure that Regulus has nothing to do with me like Siri. I have to save Regulus from the others!"
Walpurga should be Walburga and Siri should be Sirius because I don't think she would have used a nick name for him for some reason.
Other than that one spot, this was a delightful chapter to read. I especially found the last part in your author note to be quite clever and gave me a good smile!
Keep up the good work!Author's Response: I totally agree! King Lear just seems to fit so well with them, although adapting it was a bit of a pain. I'll have to go back and edit that as I hadn't even noticed! Thanks for your eagle eyes! I see you point about Sirius, although its actually used to allude to the fact that they are close. The author's note cracks me up every time. I'm glad you enjoyed this and thanks so much for the review! Report Review
What I think of when I read this is a fairytale. I don't know why, and I don't mean that in a degrading way, It's just how my brain works.
I like Meda's answer vey much. How she loves him as a child should, nothing more and nothing less, I thought that was quite great.
It was a bit extreme though, that he disowns her, but then I thought that these people are from the House of Black and it seemed so reasonable. I think if you maybe gave a bit more information about Cygnus, just the type of person he is, it would be a bit more believable, but other than that, it's totally cool.
Keep it up, gonna read Chapter No.2 now.
M-001/WildeAuthor's Response: Thanks! hahaha a fairy tale is definitely a first! The Marauders have gone Roaming with Remus in the next chappie ;)
The extremeness is due to the fact that the first chapter is basically Act 1, scene 1 of King Lear and that is exactly what happens. More about Cygnus will come out later on but Im really glad that you seemed to like it XD
Thanks so much! Report Review
"Instead, her just waved his hand" a teensy typo again. 'He' instead of 'her'.
"The new password is betrayal". You're just missing a period and a quotation mark at the end of that sentence.
"before hurrying out of the office and into the chilling dungeon hallway beyond. As soon as the door closed behind her, she leant against the cold stone wall and sank to the floor, tears running down her pale face." This is descriptive and beautiful. I love it.
"She had always secretly that she could be like him and now she had her chance." I think you're just missing a word in here, between secretly and that.
"at what she was bout to reveal". I'm being nit-picky again, but you're missing the a in about.
Okay, so I loved the betrayal and loyalty thing. It was perfect that the Slytherin password was betrayal and the Gryffindor one was loyalty. It just fit in so flawlessly.
Andromeda's personality is spot on to what I think it would be and I love that she has flaws and she's not the most beautiful girl in the world and she has actual thoughts. She's great.
Your characterization of Sirius is also really nice. I liked the part with him a lot because it showed him as sort of a joker and funny kid but also as protective and caring and understanding, which is something I think a lot of Sirius portrayals out there are missing.
You wanted me to be as harsh as possible but there's not much else I can say for this chapter. It was good. It's interesting and unique and has real plot and depth. Unlike some stories, I'm not constantly wishing to click away from it while reading it.
Good work and keep on writing(:Author's Response: Thanks so much! Im really glad that you didnt want to click away :p Andromeda and Sirius in this are like my children. I love them but sometimes I just hate what they do XD
Thanks so much again! I really appreciate this XD Report Review
Hey, this is ericajen from the forums with your reviews!
You wanted me to be as harsh as possible, and I'll try! Lots of sentence structure type things that I noted along the way, so forgive my editing of some parts.
Bellatrix covertly looked at her husband, he hazel eyes... minor typo you missed. Should be her not he.
"Father, I'm made of the same stuff as my sister" I don't like the use of the word stuff, it sounds odd in this situation. I might suggest changing it to "Father, my sister and I are made of the same" or "of the same" and then leaving out any specification of 'stuff' or anything like that. That word just doesn't fit here. "But her description falls a little short of the truth", here the snippet "a little" seems a bit off to me. I would just scrap it and have it say "But her description falls short of the truth". And there should, I think, be a comma after love and before father.
"Andromeda noted the action and immediately jumped to the correct conclusion Cissy is pregnant!?" I don't like the way it's worded. I would say "Andromeda noted the action and immediately jumped to the correct conclusion that her sister was pregnant." And then jump in with Andromeda's thoughts after that.
"Maybe I was wrong about Cissy and Lucius, although he still gives me the creeps." The "gives me the creeps" part doesn't seem right. I would go a different path such as "although he still gives me a strange feeling" or a "foreboding feeling" or something of that sort.
"Come now, 'nothing' will get you nothing. Try again, Andie." Saying nothing twice in that short sentence comes off a bit weird, I think it might flow better if you said "Come now, 'nothing' will not get you anything." Unless you're trying to emphasize the nothings in which case I might put them in italics or something to show that it's intentional and it will give it more inflection.
Another minor thing, it should be hearts, not heart's, I think. In this part: I don't have a talent for putting my heart's feelings into words. As a general rule, the 's addition to a word means adding an is, and in this case an is does not make sense. I'm terrible at this rule, so don't feel the need to follow it precisely, but I think this is right. Also in that paragraph, I would say nothing instead of neither.
When he is disowning her, I don't think the "Go away!" phrase flows with the story. It sounds a bit juvenile for an old man. I would say "Leave!" instead.
"Andromeda had recollected herself". I would just say collected, not recollected. And it should be "the look of disgust that passed over her face" instead of "past".
"She's got big flaws." That doesn't sound very Cygnus to me. I'd change it to "she has some major flaws."
Whew. This review is already extremely long so I will try to keep the rest short and sweet.
I like the plot. It's interesting and I've never read it before, so it sounds fresh and original. The characterization is great apart from the fact that they all sound crazily formal. It gives the story a good feel but particularly in their individual thoughts, it comes off a bit overdone. Besides that, I really like it. It's different and new and and an interesting perspective on how Andromeda came to be who she is.
I hope I wasn't too nit-picky with this and now I'm on to the next chapter!Author's Response: Thanks so much! Its really nice to get an honest nitty gritty review. Taking on board everything that you have said I will be making edits when I post the new chapter tomorrow :) Thanks so much again Report Review
Nice second chapter. I love the way you portray Andromeda. She's not flawlessly beautiful and she isn't exactly perfectly "good." From what I picked up so far (in the first chapter), she's not about to go off and marry a Muggle. I guess that would allow for development whenever she does. Or maybe she sees marrying a muggle not in the sense that it's "dirty" but that it's not fulfiling her duty. Maybe now that she doesn't have this duty she'll break away from it.
I liked Sirius. He seemed canon, though, again, there was a huge transformation from the icy "what are you doing on the floor, Black?" to "come live with me after school." It was just a really quick attitude flip in a short period of time. Maybe you could have added more dialogue between them so that I could have seen the tension between them cool, before you threw in the "you can sleep in my common room and live with me"... That's just what I felt, though, reading it.
I'm really interested to see where this story goes. You have a great start, and I'm surprised you don't have more reviews. Thank you for directing me this way. 10/10
AetherAuthor's Response: THANKS! With the Sirius thing it's not shown there but that's how they were forced to treat each other around others and of course James and Peter were still around, although they arent too bad about her. omg 10/10...really? Thanks so much!!! I always find that some little gems have barely any reviews (mine isnt included in that) so glad you liked it XD Report Review
Great first chapter. You pulled me into the story flawlessly. I'm looking foward to reading the next chapter.
One bone to pick: I felt like the reaction of Andromeda's father was a bit sudden and rash. I guess he could be a foolhardy and rash person. But before he made that decision, I thought he was an "okay guy" because he thought Andromeda was his favorite daughter. I don't know. It was just difficult for me to swallow the sudden shift. I haven't read King Lear, so I'm assuming it's just part of the play that doesn't translate well into novel form.
I loved every other part of it though. Your dialogue is great, and your grammar looks good so far.
AetherAuthor's Response: THANKS! That's how it's done in Lear and so it obviously doesn't translate well. Now that that challenge is over I will go back and edit that. Thanks so much for reviewing this XD Report Review
Hehehe - missing a period and a quotation mark at the end of Slughorn's paragraph near the beginning ;) and again, just beginning reading that . . . the writer definitely has a firm grasp of their story - in this case you - and does hard work to show it off. In some places a more . . . trained eye can catch the author behind the story, but it's nothing bad or blatantly obvious. So it's not exactly as though you should be looking over your shoulder for the fanfic police or anything like that. Like I said, you have a good hold on this story, I can see that, and you definitely 'know' where you want to take it, even if you can't get your head around 'how' to get there Miss Super-Slow-To-Update ;)
And isn't Siri such a nice guy? Figure he should be though, in that kind of situation, as his nice, same-age-as-him cousin got the same treatment for a very different reason. While he was in Gryffindor and hung out with a Potter and didn't behave like a Black, poor lil Andie couldn't lie to her pops. Ah, well, when you think about it - maybe it wasn't so different after all. It's sad to be sure, but even though she's grown with that family her whole life, thinking about being a part of such a thing so disgusting - well, I'm sure she'll regret what happened a little in the long run, but you can't really be expected to pine for something that wasn't really good for you in the first place - so long as you can see and understand how bad it really was in the first place.
And it was a nice ending to the chapter as well. Good old Siri taking in Andie and letting her sleep soundly by the fireside in the Gryffindor Tower Common Room. How sweet. If I was a girl maybe I'd swoon? I dunno. I don't have a single qualm about telling you I don't get any... crushes people have on the Marauders - be it James/Sirius/Remus (because was all know everyone just hates Peter and wishes him the fiery torment of a thousand suns and would never swoon for his fat little sake) I don't get it. Maybe it's the being a guy thing, but wouldn't anyone in that situation have to sit down and help their cousin? Seem like a right awful git if they don't.
And I feel like bugging you about this is all right - but near the end of my semester I met an author. A very good author, but slightly unknown. And he talked to me (Padgett Powell - Walker Percy's successor, and if you don't know who that is, well, you should get to reading Keros - Percy's the author of my favorite book after all) about how younger and up and coming authors give away far too much in their stories. They point things out to the reader and clamor for the reader to notice things they've done. For the reader to GET what they're doing behind the scenes. And ever since then in any fic I read I've always been drawn to parts of fics and stories that I read where that is indeed the case many times throughout. And throughout this chapter I see it plenty. As a reader, we can put two and two together to figure out that it's kind of funny that Andie's a Black sheep and her last name is Black.
But I'm not bashing everything you kind of pointed out to us. Knowing that Andie and Siri were born on the same day is a helpful thing to know, so no qualms there. And I'm on the fence about giving us the exact date in Andie's thoughts. And! Not to add insult to injury, but December fourth was the full moon correct? Right - I looked it up. Well, funny thing - if the Marauders were out helping with Remus - or playing with him, however you wanna call it - wouldn't it have been December THIRD that needed the full moon, as December fourth's night hasn't happened. And you did say that it was 1 in the morning on December fourth, so I just assume...
Not to get technical miss. ;)
But understand I wouldn't change really much about this chapter! With that bit about pointing things out pointedly (was his terminology, not mine) to your readers it's fine by me. I'd leave it, as it does follow in style with this fic. But I would change the date a bit and that first paragraph of Slughorn's to add some punctuation.
All that and I haven't really even gotten to talk about it. It was great Keros, really. I liked this chapter. Andie and Siri have a very nice relationship it seems, suddenly 'conjoined' by both being outcasts. And it called back to that idea about misery loving company. I mean, Remus gone because of the full moon - he wasn't missed all that much - and the Marauders seem plenty likable. Peter wasn't made out to be a horrid human being either! What a happy time of it I'm having reading - but I wouldn't expect you to fall into that fangirl style of writing. No, you have too much respect for yourself and the fics you write ;)
I can't help but wonder if that bit about Narcissa might come around. I know she's out of school, but I think that might be a driving force of Andie a bit. You know, Cissy's gone, yeah, but Andie and her were friends. They would want to see each other again. Then there's the whole Slytherin/Black outcast thing which I know'll come into play soon. Andie seems a little more down to earth and Siri and might not take it as well as he did. I mean, the gal did love her father and was brought up with all the 'right' Black values - even if she was a bit lax on upholding them (I'm talking about her friendly relationship with Siri) - which means it'll be hard for her, I'm sure.
*cue trumpets* But that's where we have Ted.
Good ol' Ted.
JD! (nice chapter, if I haven't said it enough yet :P)
JDAuthor's Response: hahaha i love you JD.
Very nice and tiring review to read actually. I scrolled down it and was like 0_0.
Anyways. Thanks for all your points and of course I am taking those on board and changing when I post up the next chapter (possibly tomorrow) Thanks again JD! I probably had something else to say but I can't remember :p Report Review
You're a tard. In the best possible way :D Right! So first off - JK's words, or most of them at least, need to be capitalized as you use them.
This includes, on the very first paragraph, the word 'Disapparating,' Know what I mean? Just a bit of a suggestion. AND! Take off the Prefix (Chapter 1:) From this chapter. We know it's chapter one. There's a little 1. mark before the chapter 1. I'm just saying - OR, to be consistent - ADD a Chapter 2: before SIRIUSLY?!?!!? Okay?
But I haven't finished, I just wanted to bug you. So there's the bugging. I have to see what Cygnus is talking about! CHOCOLATE WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME KEROS! I swear I'll eat her hair. It's not chocolate! I don't know what all of you keep talking about! If it were chocolate I'm sure it would have melted in the fire light.
I'm usually, very, very professional. But I see at least sixteen references to hair and eyes being chocolate a day when I get to reviewing, and the hammer of doom gets raised angrily. Don't you worry, I calm down, but it's still dangerous. I'll have you know.
And that's not a BIG deal, just a pet peeve of mine :P Okay! Back to the dinner. Oh noo! Narcissa's sad. Poor Narcissa. But it is a just cause. Bellatrix is lost. Money and power glint behind her eyes - nothing else. But Narcissa? PREGNANT Narcissa - now that's different. Hopefully she sees the light. I mean, in canon I don't have much of an inclination to like her now do I? But as Andromeda's sole tie to the family - well, hopefully that blonde head gets slicked back in the right way, and she doesn't follow Bellatrix done this sordid path. But then again, following Andromeda into exile's not the greatest idea either is it? I mean, the Black family is so fickle in its mind state. What with all the burn marks on that family tree and everything. It just makes you shake your head with some of the 'nobility's' actions, you know? But that's the way of life. They exile because they say they love them - but no eloquently and for putting Chapter 1: in front of the chapter name. Well . . . maybe the last part was a little ridiculous, but you get the idea.
And what a strange chapter. I mean, I know it's King Lear, but it's a strange way to open a story. Not bad, of course - interesting touch with Rudolphous's (I don't even care how it's spelled) eyes making him appear not really there, by the way - but just the whole dinner thing about dividing up his estate you know? It was odd. Most stories just have the main character narrating about how strange their life is. Andromeda could have done that here, and she had her moments in italics, but you choose the third person. You get to look into Bellatrix and Narcissa's eyes as well, which is a nice touch, and I personally like the third person narrator here.
And I have no clue where the story could be heading. I mean, to be exiled BEFORE she ran off with Ted is an interesting idea too. I like it for it's strangeness, if that makes any sense. I'm sure it does. And what else? It's got to be a romance. We're looking at Andromeda back at school where all her Slytherin friends start talking to her about what she's done - maybe it'll be like an outcast sort of thing, because I honestly can't see this taking the same twists and turns as King Lear. The beginning was interesting to use with it, but I don't see it following this fic around.
And that's reminds me! The Marauders are in this aren't they? Same age and all that, aren't they? Hm. Makes me interested to wonder how and where they'll all come into play. A fitting chapter title. Just - for me - when you edit this take off the prefix and capitalize the thing correctly. 'What You See is What You Get' not 'What you see is what you get' - another pet peeve of mine :P
Beyond that we're clean though. Nothing I really need to talk to you about. It's good. Written with a stroke of a good, but tentative hand, and with the flair of someone that wants to tell a story, so I'll definitely look forward to you writing more than just two chapters of this fic. Gladly looking into the next one. And if I haven't said it yet - good chapter Keros! ;)
JDAuthor's Response: JD I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry :p
Thanks for the review anyways though. Yeah I still need to edit some bits in that. Did I mention chocolate? That annoys me too so I'll need to go back and change that. Oh yeah, and the chapter thing, meant to change that so it was the same as chapter two hehehe.
Yeah I wont be following King Lear for the whole thing, just for that first chapter and the Marauders come in the nest one.
It's not going to be your traditional outcast type story either because as you know I'm weird and therefore anything I write is not going to be conventional :p
Thanks so much for the review though and when the next chapter is done I hope you like it XD
Kero Report Review
My favourite line was: "Looks like a girl mate," Sirius replied.
Typical Marauders! ;)
You've definitely characterized Andromeda well; you can't help but like her as she was just telling the truth, though I think it would be good if you showed why she would do anything for her father, even marry that prat Avery, as most readers have a negative view of the Blacks before hand, which makes it hard to see why she would love such a cruel father.
I like the fact that they're becoming allies and the story is a lot clearer to follow so I look forward to some more Marauders in action and to find out where Remus is!
Please ask for more reviews when you have another chapter up!
LisaAuthor's Response: I forget that people aren't familiar with King Lear which the first chapter was based off... I love Sirius in this so much and he's so different from the Sirius in 1944. Remus is off being a werewolf Im afraid in this chapter. December 4th was actually the date of a full moon in 1979 too XD Thanks for the reviews and Ill be sure to keep you posted Report Review
Here's the first of two reviews you requested!
Wow; that was a really dark chapter and I thought I would find it hard to follow but I was strangely transfixed! I loved when Cygnus announced that his daughters would basically have to compete with speeches to win the larger part of his estate and I thought "What?" and read Narcissa's thoughts which were the same as mine!
The drama was very good, and even though it seems over the top it seems to fit with the Black family. I already feel sorry for Andromeda, so I'm sure that will develop in the next chapter and beyond!
I can't wait to meet Sirius! A great start, even though it is slightly hard going to get into it at the beginning you more than made up for it.Author's Response: I know the first chapter is a bit too dense but I think that's because of the amount of King Lear interpretation in it.
You must be channeling Narcissa lol.
Although Sirius is my fave Black I do quite like Andromeda in this and Regulus later on hehehe
Thanks so much for the reviews Report Review
XD thanks sooo much for dedicating a whole chappie to me!!! I feel so honored *blushes*. Anyways…I really liked this chapter…but I don’t remember if I read the first chapter of this story…I don’t think I have…but I will after I finish this review (hehe how’s that for bass akwards XD).
This chappie was sooo good!!! Poor Andie getting the boot from her own family, but siriusly if I had a family like that, I wouldn’t mind being disowned so much. But I can see where she is coming from because she basically has nothing left besides her relationship with Sirius.
Ah Sirius…he seems like just the sort of guy that would be able to cheer up anybody no matter what bad stuff happened to them. He’s so dreamy…*sigh*
Author's Response: I do concur with this. Expect to see a lot more of Sirius and in a much more playful r&k mood :)
Thanks for R+R!!!
Kero Report Review
Very nicely done.
Hello, it's boysof_p0tterfan509 (finally) here with your review!
I really enjoyed this adaptation of King Lear. I have not read the play myself, but just last week my teacher discussed this bit of the play in English, so I have the gist of what's happening. I think that you captured each character beautifully, especially drawing out the differences between Andromeda and her sisters, making her almost an outcast amongst her siblings.
There wasn't much to criticize here. You write very well and I'm glad you decided to give my challenge a go :) I'll be sure to look out for the next chapter of this as I'm really interested in where it will lead.
NadhiraAuthor's Response: Wow thank you so much!
I thinks it's really weird how many parallels you can draw between HP and Shakespeare. Thanks so much for the review and the next chapter will be submitted as soon as the one that's already in the queue is done :)
Kero Report Review
Wow I never realized how perfect this scene from King Lear was for Andromeda! You did an amazing job interpreting it, I like how Andromed is like Cornelia in a way but isn't too sweet too!
Haha I can't wait for the next chapter!Author's Response: I didn't either at first lol. I'm glad you're acquainted with the original. Chapter is on it's way and will be entitled 'Siriusly!?' hehehe I do love my jokes.
Thanks so much for the review!!! :D
Kero Report Review
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