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6 Reviews Found

Review #1, by celticbard Only This

23rd December 2010:
Hello Shiloh!
You know, I've always found it odd that strange pairings can sometimes seem perfectly canon. Honestly, after reading this fic, I'm completely convinced that Dudley and Pansy are meant for each other. And even though they seem to be vastly different characters, they both have something very important in common: Harry. I think you did an amazing job bringing out this theme, because, when you think about it, Dudley and Pansy have strong reasons to feel alienated from Harry. Their families both brought them up to view him as a threat and inferior. Harry also inadvertently cost them their comfortable, secure lifestyles. How wonderfully creative of you to take their disregard for Harry and turn it on its head! I mean, who would have thought that Harry, of all people, would be the one to bring them together? That aspect alone makes this fic wonderfully complex and so powerful.

In addition, I loved your use of repetition in this piece. It worked so very well, giving the story a measured flow and an ending that was perfectly satisfying. Your characterization of Dudley and Pansy was also great. You treated them with sensitivity and sympathy while giving them both strong personalities. Dudley seems like a truly kind man, while Pansy has this stubborn, independent streak I really admire.

So yes, I absolutely adored this piece. Excellent writing. I'm favoriting this right now! ^_^

Best,
celticbard

Author's Response: Thank you! This was hard for me. It was for a challenge so I was given the pairing. I never would have thought of it! But I ended up rather liking it :)
The similarities in their upbringing was intriguing. Opposite sides of the same coin.

I liked giving Pansy a bit of redemption. I think in canon she never would have quite this sort of chance to redeem herself. I assume she went on to be rather insufferable for the rest of her life. But here, for a little while at least, she's alright.

I'm so glad you liked it :)


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Review #2, by Eridanus Only This

1st May 2010:
Hello, Shiloh! Here to review!

First off, I've got to say that you're absolutely amazing for pulling off what I thought to be impossible. Seriously, Dudley/Pansy? That's one mental ship in theory, but you did such a fantastic job of making it believable rather than bizarre or even repulsive :P.

I've also got to say that your prose throughout this fic was stunning. It was truly beautiful and even lyrical at some points. I really enjoyed the 'he does this' and 'she says that' aspect of it. For some reason, when a story leaves out names of characters for the most part, it automatically seems to become more poetic.

Flow was generally good, but when it came to the 'We're very different, you and I' and the parts where it says 'It's only', I felt like the jump from the description of the event to the dialogue was a little too abrupt. Due to the fact that the next event was unrelated to the first I had to do a double take the first time and I felt like it disrupted the lovely smooth flow after that. I'm not sure what I would suggest, as I do like the premise of it, but maybe you could add a little bit more exposition of the events?

As for characterisation, it was divine! I think one of the main feats you achieved was actually making the piece believable and that was mainly due to the wonderful characterisation. I could still see their earlier selves, but they've definitely grown up, and this was made all the more realistic because it tied in with Dudley's behaviour in Deathly Hallows. Brilliant.

Jane

Author's Response: Thank you Jane :) I appreciate your taking the time to review for me. -squishes-

You're not the first person to mention that the 'We're very different', 'It's only' part was a bit choppy, so I'm doing some definite re-working there. Thanks for the advice! I'll add some more exposition and see if that helps :)
Thanks for the review dearest!

xoxo
Shiloh


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Review #3, by Margravine Only This

17th April 2010:
Oh.My.God

Shiloh.. this is amazing. WHY HAVE I NOT READ MORE OF YOUR WORK? This was magical, beautiful, heartbreaking. I adored it so so so much.

SERIOUSLY

The structure worked wonderfully - the 'it's only...' was sophisticated, humorous, and so perfect for the characters. The premise was absolutely astounding, if I knew it beforehand I would have been interested but skeptical, but you pulled it off effortlessly. And the end was ♥

I am SO glad I got this for the review exchange. I will stalk your page obsessively once I come back to fanfiction fully!

xx

Author's Response: Thank you Jo! -blush- I'm so flattered. What a lovely review :)

When Kaity first gave me this pairing I panicked, wondering how in the world I was going to write it. But after many headaches and much editing, I'm really rather proud of what I came out with :) I'm so glad you like it!

xoxo
Shiloh


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Review #4, by ayii Only This

25th March 2010:
This certainly is an obscure ending but wow...after this, I think I might ship it a little XD I don't know if it's your Dudley or what, but it was certainly a beautiful romance that blossomed between them! I found your use of an almost stream-of-consciousness style interesting, and it definitely fit the piece, especially since it was part way in between that and normal prose.

However, I might comment to say that there could have been more painting of pictures, more atmosphere to give us an idea of what the places and areas looked like, although near the middle my imagination kicked in and created its own scenes, its own descriptions, so maybe it doesn't matter too much.

Now for some nitpicking. ""Who are you? What do you want?" She demanded" should be "she demanded", with a lower case s, I believe? Although I could be wrong. You use the word "flash" and "flashing" three times in two consecutive paragraphs, twice in two sentences right next to each other. It was a little distracting I have to admit, and one of my pet peeves, although it probably wouldn't bother most people. "With child like wonder", chidlike is one word.

Also, was it just me, or were you switching between tenses? By the end, I wasn't sure what tense it was meant to be in? At first I thought past, but then too much was in present, with sprinklings of past...I'm not sure. But you should definitely either get someone to beta this or go through with a fine toothcomb yourself just to sort that out, because it is definitely distracting. I don't have much else to criticise though, other than the fact you should beware of moving too fast through your telling of the story at the start. It worked nearer the middle and the end, but really rushed in the beginning.

Now on to the good stuff! I love Dudley. Truely, I want a Dudley to my Pansy now! I imagine from what he is like in their final encounter in the last book that he was maturing, that he would finally grow up and become a man much better natured than his father, and you have definitely given him credit for that - and much more! Dudley stories are so unusual, which is to be expected, but you seem to have had him fare well in the Wizarding World. I might not have been so kind to him...

I like that Pansy has softened, too. Still trying to appear hard, but nowhere near as awful as she was in the book. They have definitely grown up, which is nice to see, I have to say. I loved the awkwardness between them too, when their conversation lapses into silence - it's such a natural thing we've all experienced, and it seems only right that it would come. The definition of "We're very different, you and I" and "it's only..." was divine, also. I'm a sucker for repition as a poetic device, and this used it beautifully! The last line was very sweet too.

I'm such a soppy romantic at heart, I can't help but really love this! Wonderful stuff.

Author's Response: Thank you for such a wonderful review! I really appreciate your taking the time to do this for me :)

I will definitely take the time to use your advice too :)

~Shiloh


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Review #5, by harrylilyjames Only This

20th March 2010:
Hey!
Here with the review you requested!

At the start, where he's looking at the girl in the alley, I got slightly confused on where she stood- because I thought she had her back turned, because he wasn't sure if she was pointing a stick, but then she 'swung' around, so she would of walked out his end, but she didn't...I'm might be just being thick, but could you please explain it to me.

I like that you didn't make Pansy perfect and gave her a nose "too small for her face" and eyes "too wide for any real beauty"- but really, what is beauty? [some people like big eyes]. You could say something like "too wide for any real innocents" or something along those lines.

When he starts telling her his story, take out the full stops at the beginning, replace them with semi-colons, because there too many of them in a short space of time. There are also a few mixed up words here, the part where he left for France for his relatives, "France, and relatives there."- it doesn't sound right, you could phrase it as "France, as they had relative there".

Ummm...When she describes what he looks like, to just keep the flow going, you could take out the "not fat" part, because well we don't really need to know that, just what he physically looks like. Which is strong. [also now that I kind of think it's Dudley, pansy wouldn't of known he was fat to of thought it]

When she talks about having child-like wonder, it gets a bit confusing.

So where you have "gleaming with child like wonder. Because of her magic, something she'd never been without." You could write something to make it more obvious what you mean by it, so "gleaming with child like wonder- something she'd never been without." Get it?

You might want to rephrase the rest of this paragraph as I found it hard to understand.

Example:
"A comforting thought, that set her apart from other people in the world, people like him, who she'd hated; even loathed. Who had a careless fascination in his eyes..."

I don't know what way to write the rest of it, as it's slightly confusing, because the sentence beforehand she says "a comfort"[meaning she remembered him] and then it says "she struggled to remember"- but she just remembered a few lines before.

The next paragraph after this,"he watch her, watching him" part could be rephrased so it's not repetitive and it runs more smoothly, for example "He stared at her as her eyes studied his face, watching his lips form the words as if she didn't understand them..."- you're also squeezing two sentences into one. :)

Some of your sentences are phased weirdly that slightly ruined the flow of the story, like this "She wishes he hadn't left, but will not go."- will not go where? This one sounds unfinished. You could add in "but will not call him back".

"He doesn't know if she sees him"- the 'if' here, should be 'that'.

This sentence, "When next she sees him,"- it sound slightly choppy, what about, "A few weeks past with no sign of him, until one day, he returns." okay, that's a bad example. But do you get what I'm trying to say?

This sentence too, "She only almost smiles, but her boss still sees." - how does someone "almost smile"? And what does her boss see? It seems like you get bored of a sentence so hurry on to the next, leaving some of them just hanging.

Example:
"She lets a flicker of a smile cross her lips, but her stern-looking boss still manages to see it from across the room." See? It would just make the story more interesting and easier to imagine for the reader.

Ummm...when they start going out to the meal, instead of writing what they talked about, write the actual scene so you can add in little details like their surroundings, expressions, thoughts, emotions etc.

It also kind of gets confusing when there's a set of dialogue with no explanation for it. It's just splat in the middle, write who says each sentence or where they say it and why they do.

"and about the nightmares."- what nightmares? Oo

All the scenes, like their fight, his cousin etc I would of liked to read in more detail, probably make it into a short-story. So we can learn more about the two of them and their relationship. Just an idea. :) -wink wink-

I can't say much on the blokes character as he didn't really get much say in it. But I like that he was determined to get her again, going to stand in front of the shop after days of her not turning up. Awwwe, now that I think about it, I feel sorry for him, and she was watching him the whole time.

Who is the bloke? I never found out? :( or I completely skipped over his name. I have a feeling it's Dudley, because of the 'castle' and 'cousin' parts...oooh. But I could be totally wrong. Lol.

I liked it as a story. It was sweet but also slightly angsty at the same time. Because they have to get through the boundaries muggle/wizarding worlds to really be with one another... such a romantic love story...-swoons-

Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to leave such an amazing review! I sincerely appreciate the effort that went into this. And the advice you've given me is just wonderful :) I will definitely be taking the time to go over this and make use of your CC.

Also, yes, it is Dudley :)

Thanks so much,
Shiloh


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Review #6, by Tinkerbell01 Only This

3rd March 2010:
OMG! Shiloh, I loved this! It's brilliant, really!

I never pictured Dudley with anyone honestly, let alone Pansy. Your style here is very unique, refreshing. I don't think I've really read anything quite like this and Kaity did an excellent job of pairing these two together.

And you. My goodness. You did a fabulous job at keeping each charactr in check. Dudley, though. I was surprised to see that he wanted to look for Harry. I'm assuming that's who it is, right?

I loved each of their reactions to each others' worlds. I think it would be wierd experiencing something new and unsure about. This is just a fantastic piece, dear.

Wonderfully done!



Author's Response: Wow, Alicia, thank you so much!
I was really nervous going into this just because of the pairing. But I enjoyed writing it, and I think it's one of my better works, honestly.

Thanks for reviewing hun! I appreciate it *hugs*

XOXO
Shiloh


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