Reading Reviews for Broken Souls
  
13 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Maxton Chill of Sin

9th August 2011:
I cannot imagine who she is, I have read all the books numerous times.
your story was very interesting and I hope to figure out who she is through your other work.

Author's Response: no one from the books, she is an OC ^^ Glad you find her interesting, though!

Thanks for the review!
-Caiti


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Review #2, by Cleopatraa Chill of Sin

9th August 2011:
Happy Hufflepuff Tuesday!!
Well this was definitely a intriguing start. You include so much detail ( which I totally love) which is something I quite envy and your writing style is wonderful. Itís really intense and fluid. Also the way you wrote this was so haunting so chilling and truly fitting for the setting of this fic. You definitely can draw a reader in! You made me want to continue reading this. Well done!
- Cleopatra ( Slytherin)

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Review #3, by Arithmancy_Wiz Chill of Sin

5th August 2011:
Hi, Cappie. Great start to your story here. I'm glad you requested a review on it. Since it isn't very long thus far, I won't have lots to comment on but I hope I can still provide some helpful feedback.

Starting with some of the positives, you really have a very eloquent way of writing. There is a very artistic and fluid quality to your narrative. It's almost haunting in a way, like an old gothic novel. That ties in really well with the setting of Azkaban since it's more reminiscent of an old-fashioned prison where they locked away everyone from beggars to murderers, so unlike modern prisons of today. You've also obviously got a great grasp on the basics like grammar and pacing. I really appreciated how you switched seamlessly back and forth between the more obscure reflections and the realities of the dirt and the cold metal of the chains, never lingering too long in one mode of the other.

One suggestion I would make regarding what you've written so far is that almost all the sentences are rather long. There are lots and lots of commas and compound sentences. There read correctly, but I think you might better emphasize certain points by using a shorter, more declarative sentence every now and then. Just as an example: She had known it was coming, she had awaited years for a sentence to have some stone faced, careless enforcement officer inform her that a life was worth her own. This is really two sentences smashed together, really needing a semicolon. It might have been a good place to add in some variation: She had known it was coming. She had waited years for a sentence - to have some stone faced, careless enforcement officer inform her that a life was worth her own. Just a thought.

It also would have been really cool to see you push the envelope a little more. You've clearly got great ability and could have dug even deeper and darker here. She comes off as numb, which I imagine is intentional because of what dementors do, but it would have really hit an emotional homerun if her own terror or regret or remorse burst through even the despair.

Thanks for sharing your story. I see you haven't updated it recently. It's off to a good start; hopefully you'll pick it up again soon.

a_wiz (RC)

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Review #4, by Liadan Lightflower Chill of Sin

29th July 2011:
Very well written! I really like your detailed description of her emotion and situation. Please post the next chapter asap. Pwetty Pwease.

Best,

Liadan Lightflower

Author's Response: Thanks darl! Your words warm mah heart! I'll post the next chapter when my muse decides to work! Thanks for the review!

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Review #5, by forsakenphoenix Chill of Sin

25th July 2011:
Oh, I like this story so far. You capture the insanity and desperation of Azkaban well. Your writing is excellent as are your descriptions. Your words allow me to envision the story and to feel the emotions of your narrator; the darkness and desolation, the numbness of accepting fate. Everything flows very well. I'm very curious about her story and to find out what brought her here to the prison.

Since you mentioned you were concerned about grammar, I noticed a few things that could be fixed up.

"The one thing she had always noticed about the place was it was so cold, a frigid, torturous chill that had long since eaten its way into the core of her being." I feel like that comma should be a semi-colon, but I could be wrong so you can leave it as is if you want.

"Invisible and yet she knew it was there, every happy, pleasant memory blackened to a cusp of despair." Another line where I think there should be a semi-color before every instead of a comma.

"her gaze catching a guards only to receive a sympathetic glance that through her off" - guards should be guard's and through should be threw.

Otherwise, a great start. You definitely draw your readers in and make them want to continue reading!

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Review #6, by Ravenclaw333 Chill of Sin

24th July 2011:
Oh wow.
This was so amazingly, hauntingly written. It's given me chills. I can't wait to see where you go with this story, if the first chapter is any indication of what's to come :)

Author's Response: Thank you!! Your words are awesome and I'm so glad to hear 'em! Thanks for the review!! =D

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Review #7, by Coley Chill of Sin

8th July 2011:
Hi there! Nicole here from the forums with your requested review. Sorry for such a delay in getting this to you.

This was fantastic! First off, your grammar was perfect, there really wasn't anything I found, congrats :)

Oh, also, this sentence! "... only to wallow in unintentionally self inflicted pain that spun on a broken reel in the darkest dredges of their minds." Oh my god, I loved this :D

Your prose is to die for, I'm so jealous. Really, you have the 'winning formula' and for that, I hate you >.< Just kidding.

In regards to grabbing the reader, you definitely had me! I'm really eager to see how this progresses and what happens!

I really loved this, well done!

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Review #8, by adluvshp Chill of Sin

6th July 2011:
Hello, this is AditiDraco95 from the forums with your review.

Let me say, this was awesome!!

I love the plot and the characterization. Your writing style is superb and it made me feel every emotion of the character. It is deep and intense and brings life into the story. It is more of the writing style than the story that makes the impact on the reader in fact.

so basically this was an awesome read.

There were a few grammatical errors here and there, so I suggest that you get a beta or re-read and edit 'cause there were many sentence formation and grammar mistakes.

But overall this was a very good story and I really liked it.

Great job, keep it up!

9/10

Cheers!
AD

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Review #9, by LilyGreenEyes Chill of Sin

4th July 2011:
Hey there, here for your review ;) And may I say thankyou for requesting, such a fantastic story you have here!

You have a very eloquent writing style and include so much detail yet still hold things back. It's a tough technique to use but you use it brilliantly and to such great effect.

This is such a dark and enigmatic beginning to a story and so intriguing. I find myself trying to answer hundreds of questions as I read and this story truly stimulates the reader and exerts a strange pull to find out more.

And then you finish with such a simple but perfect cliffhanger. I am so desperate to know who she is, why she's there and what her story is. Please come back to request again once you have updates, this is a fantastic piece of writing that I cannot wait to read more of!

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Review #10, by WeasleyTwins Chill of Sin

3rd July 2011:
Hi, WeasleyTwins here with your review as requested!

Okay, first thing's first, your grammar. Surely you know that your grammar is flawless! You must be listening to the wrong people! I just happened to finish a most gruesome college grammar course, and I can safely assure you that your grammar is lovely!

I don't want to seem a bit odd or - err - nutty, but I will risk it. OH MY HOLY MOTHER OF WATERMELONS! Your prose is absolutely delicious. I wish I had better words to express your prose. I was taken aback by the sheer poetry of the words you weave together. It was like feeling the satin touch of flawless piece of cloth. You have a skill that most should envy, if not revere! The prose brought such a plethora of emotions forth. There are few authors who possess the gentle art of rich and elegant prose. I read a great deal of fanfiction and fiction in general - honestly, I am quite picky. I will only read [and enjoy] certain things. There hasn't been anything in a long time that I enjoyed reading more than this chapter. I wish there was some simple way to make you understand the beauty of your prose and utter talent.

While I adore this more than you can imagine, I do have a suggestion. The piece reads fluidly, in so much that it is hard to see why there are paragraphs. But as I read back over the piece, I had a thought. I believe if you split up a few of the first paragraphs, there would be a greater impact. It would solidify the main character's broken spirit and mind. Readers with less attentive eyes would be more likely to see the despair that entraps this woman. I would give you an example, but in no way do I want to rewrite what is yours. This is all simply a suggestion, of course.

I honestly don't know what to say. I would read this story over and over even if it had a thousand chapters. In my opinion, there is no way that anyone would not want to continue! How can something so breathtaking stop at one chapter!

I don't often give out a rating because, frankly, I believe a rating should be well-earned. Well, you have given me many paragraphs worth of reasons to say, 10/10.

Utter brilliance.

Shelby

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Review #11, by TheGoldenKneazle Chill of Sin

28th June 2011:
Hi there! It's me off the forums with your review :)

You seriously don't have to worry about being out of practice with your writing, because this is am-az-ing. The grief and nothingness of the nameless person is described and conjured up so well - in such detail and with such deep emtion - that it is hard to feel anything but what she is. The way you described the dirt she was in, how she was past caring, and how she knew she had happy memories but couldn't find them made this a truly heart-wrenching piece.

The description was absolutely fabulous. The dementors, seen as nothingy and emotionless-as-they-get creatures were described on a more personal level by the main character than I've seen before, yet they were still strangely detached. The screams and situation, including the main character's self-inflicted pain was described in almost painful detail - we culd not help but be transported to her position and totally there with her. It was amazing.

The ending slowly crept up on the reader as to what was happening and then hit you like a slap in the face. I loved how the person is going to tell the one sympathetic guard her story, and the hint of what it was to do with was a fantastic teaser. She is already a multi-layered person, and I cannot wait to read more about her.

My favourite phrase was "only to wallow in unintentionally self inflicted pain", because it was just such a piercing phrase that stood out so much for me.

I know you also asked about grammar, but I really can't see any that's gone wrong :)

Absolutely amazing, 10/10.
~TGK

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Review #12, by katebabelovesharrypotter Chill of Sin

22nd March 2011:
This is a very intriguing and solid start. You hook the reader right away and your imagery sent chills down my spine.

I would work a little more on developing your character and her back story, but as it's only the first chapter you still have plenty of time to do so.

I think it'll be important to sway your readers into either beliving your character is truly worth pity or not. I feel that that will make all the difference in this story.

I also think a little back story on Azkaban wouldn't go amiss. I'd love to learn more about the prison and its customs and such if only from your opinion and views. You have a lot of wiggle room there which could give the story a whole new depth and interesting under-plot (I think I made that word up, but I hope you got my point haha.)

That's about all I have, but this was great!

Author's Response: I'll definitely work more on developing her and the backstory, as well as my view of Azkaban! I'll explore those tons in later chapters. ^^ Thank you for your words about the start! Glad it sent chills, as that's definitely what I was aiming for!

Thank you so much!
-Caiti


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Review #13, by Sirius Sweetheart Chill of Sin

5th February 2010:
OH CAPPIE/FLAMEY/LOOOF!
I lovelovelove it! Only thing I think you could possibly do better might be the abruptness of the introduction of the ending. =3 It's just a little randomish, if you maybe introduced that it was the murder of her daughter's murderer (as I'm assuming it's supposed to be) earlier in the oneshot/chapter and had her brood on that a bit more it might make it a bit better. :) *squish*
Love, Kris.

Author's Response: hahaha, with the abruptness I've now changed it to a short story, so I shall delve into that through out the story! =P

Thanks loads dear! ^^ *hugs*


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