Ah, this was good!
Your summary was excellent as it immediately piqued one's interest. However, I felt that the beginning dragged a bit and that maybe you could start with a more exciting topic than Scorpius and Albus in their dormitory. It was still good, though, and the dialogue was great.
Your personalities are well-defined with the exception of, although I don't have a problem with it, Rose's personality. Her personality is a bit cliche. But since her personality is how I imagine it, and most people, too, it still works. But to make her a little more noticable you could give her some defining feature. For example: She could have a certain way of talking, or have a personal item that she wears all the time, or an annoying habit, etc.
Your grammar is good (which I always like to see in a fanfic), with one exception. You say frequently in the beginning of the story "Albus' " and "Scorpius' ". Usually, with a person's name you would just say something like "Dominique's hair/bag/mood" when describing what they have. Since the names Albus and Scorpius end with "s", though, and it sounds weird to say "Albus's" you instead put "Albus'". This is wrong. When you put the apostrophe at the end of a name, without adding another s, it states that there are multiples of that being. For example: "The Ladies' bathroom" (Obviously, more than one lady uses it); "The Students' classes" (There are multiple students attending classes). But, as far as I know, there are not more than one Albus of Scorpius. So even though it looks wrong you still say "Albus's" and "Scorpius's". Sorry for this long explanation, but I hoped that helped a bit!
Anyway! Back to the story! As for Rose and Scorpius's "accidental kiss" . . . well, I loved it! It's a very interesting idea to think that they could "accidentally" kiss. It is a bit unlikely that it could happen twice, but not impossible! It was a nice take on a story that could've, otherwise, gone cliche.
So, sorry for this lengthy review! I really liked your story – don't get me wrong! Great job and happy writing! :) Report Review
Hello RonNiffler here from forums!
From the very beginning you show there personalities! Great job!
I've always loved Rose/Scorpius stories, even though a lot are very clich'e. I feel though that if some one goes looking for this ship, they should be prepared for clich'e. Rose is a bit clich'e here. She has the angry temper that I've seen in many stories with her in it. Now this is perfectly alright, since let's face it her mum has quite the temper as well. I thought I'd just warned you that your border lining clich'e.
The dialog is very believable I can see these conversations really taking place! =) The way the boys talk and interact together is perfect! The teasing and messing around, it's great! And the family's love/ hate relationship very funny! =)
'Fang's got a stomachache' Hehe, poor Fang! I'd hate to be the one to take care of him when he's in a bad mood!
And can I just say the line 'He has got all those nifflers' I got supper excited you mentioned nifflers! (you know because of my name ronNIFFLER!!!) Hehe! Ok I'm done back to the review!
The story is a bit slow at the beginning, but it picks up quick enough not to loose any attention! And it flows perfectly fine!
The future Hogwarts state is very believable! You obviously put a lot of thought into and it shows! It really shows that you're not just another author, but an author that cares! And this trait will help you get a lot of readers! =)
'They lay like that, stunned. Scorpius was on his back and Rose on his chest, their lips touching and their eyes wide, both with bright red faces.' Can you say acquired! Hehe! Great line you got me laughing!
Your story was great (LOVED the ending)!!! Great great great job!Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review!
I don't know why I even chose Rose/Scorpius... I guess I just wanted to try something different that I could really mess around with... Ehehehe...
I loved writing these characters! They were just so fun and funny, and I'm glad you liked it.
Rose was a little cliche', but I didn't know what else to do with her. Anyway, I had to give her and Scorpius conflicting personalities...
I know... poor Fang.
Nifflers are cool. They're probably my favorite creatures from HP. And haha yeah they are in your name. Cool!
Yay I did think hard about Hogwarts' future state. I'm so happy that you found it well-done.
XD You laughed! That makes me very excited, and not just because I've had too much chocolate! :3
Thanks so much for the encouraging review!
-AKABARA Report Review
Hey there! (:
This is innocent from the forums with your review! First off, I really like the title of this story - it certainly puts a twist on the whole 'kiss in the rain' thing. I'll admit I was worried that, when it started raining, it was going to be the whole usual cliched 'kiss in the rain' thing, but it totally wasn't! Having Scorpius and Rose fall down and accidentally kiss was definitely original and new. That being said, I didn't think that their accidental kiss was very believable in that I don't really understand how it's possible for two people to accidentally kiss when they fall down. Maybe I could believe it the first time, but happening twice in a row seemed pretty unrealistic to me.
Also, the first thing I noticed when I started your story was that you used 'ya' ("Hey Scorpius! Come on, will ya?") Personally, I don't like when people use this word - or anything like yea or yeah - in Harry Potter stories because I feel like it detracts from the story as it isn't exactly British. This is just me britpicking, though. Other than that, the story was fairly well-written and there was only one obvious grammar error/typo: "Scorpius shot back after the other boy had finished had finished." You repeated 'had finished,' but I'm assuming that was a typo; happens to all of us. :D
As for your concerns, I thought the story flowed fairly well, with the exception of where you broke your chapter into two parts by using those little asterisks. I generally don't like doing this because I feel it takes away from the flow of the story to jump from scene to scene within a single chapter. I would try to merge it together with some sort of transition, or else separate it into two chapters (although the latter suggestion, I suppose, isn't really an option with this story seeing as it's a one-shot). I really liked the character interaction and all of the bantering between Scorpius and Rose, however, I felt as if there could've been less dialogue. While I do like dialogue, when you weren't using it, you were just telling the reader things - explaining Rose and Scor's relationship, telling us how characters felt about something, etc. Instead, you should try and show the reader these things versus just explaining/telling them. I also didn't like the internal dialogue very much; if you want to get us into the character's heads through internal dialogue, try using first person for the story instead of third. As for the future state of Hogwarts, I thought it was pretty believable - it makes sense that the houses would be intermingled after the war and all, though I don't expect that they'd have joint dorms and common rooms, but it doesn't seem like you think that's the case either as you suggested it was "the brainchild of some overzealous first year." (I thought that was really funny, by the way).
Overall, I enjoyed this one-shot. It was fairly humorous, though I felt a bit more humor could've been injected into it. The whole falling in the mud thing was an original idea, though, so good job! 7/10
~ EmmaAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for the review!
Haha I'm glad you thought the title worked for the story. It was really just my lack of title-creating skills...
Really? Oh, well I've read about accidental kisses like that before, but one of them was tripped, and there was no mud involved. That's fine though, and I'm glad you told me. I like people liking my stories (who doesn't?), but it's also good to get some criticism. Thanks for that. =]
My un-Britishness can be a little (okay, a lot) frustrating, as I have no idea what's British and what's not. I'll try to improve my writing. Thanks for the tip.
AHH that's so embarrassing. Thank you so, so much for pointing that out!
All right, I read your paragraph and thanks for all of the great writing tips. (I'm copying and pasting that for reference :D)
There is always room for improvement, and when I go back and edit this, I'll do my best to improve it!
Thanks again for the spectacular review!!
Hey there! Rocket here, with the review you requested (how long has it been now?) at the forums. I am truly sorry for the obscene amount of time this has taken me, but it's senior year and life is hectic (though it shouldn't be!)
Anyway, let's get started with the review. Thanks for requesting a one shot, I don't get nearly enough of those. I also liked that your Next Gen kids weren't older teenagers or anything. In my story they are, but it's refreshing to read something told from a different age, you know?
This was a challenge piece, yeah? You did a good job with it. I don't know what the rules or anything were, but I liked how you made it your own. If this was a kiss in the rain thing, I liked it. I liked how they were 14 and it wasn't some passionate kiss thingy, the kisses were accidental. Except the last one.
I didn't really notice any grammar/spelling mistakes, but to be honest, I wasn't really looking. I only point them out if they're blatant, or if the author asks for them.
I noticed once where you forgot to space between some words. It was towards the beginning.
I would say 'feel free to re-request' but I'm closing the thread. I'm just too busy. :/
Thanks for requesting, I enjoyed reading it.
SaraAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! Better late than never. I hope that you get a break soon! I too thought that seniors were supposed to have the least amount of work...
I'm glad this worked out for you, and that you liked the ages. I didn't want to make them too old.
The reason I didn't make it really romantic was because a) they are only 14 and b) I am not good at writing romance.
Everyone wins. :3
Well, I'm glad that there weren't any glaring errors. But oh no! I'll try to find that spacing mistake and fix it as soon as I can. Thanks.
Well, like I said, I hope things calm down. Thanks for reviewing, and I'm glad that at least it was an enjoyable experience.
-AKABARA Report Review
It's propertyoftheHBP here from the forums with your review!
Oh, my goodness, this was hilarious! I loved every bit of it, and it was exceedingly well-written. The narrative voice here is very funny and enjoyable.
Now, I'm not the best judge of cliche-ness (perhaps it's because I enjoy many of them...), but your story didn't seem horribly ridden with them. Scorpius and Albus being best friends could seem so, but as this was a one-shot, and not directly centered on their friendship, you didn't really have the time, so to speak, or reason to go deeper into it.
Put in a simpler sense, it didn't bother me, and was well-written.
The kiss could have been taken as cliched, but the accidental way you wrote it so wasn't! Absolutely wonderful.
I really do love the state of Hogwarts you've written here. I haven't read anything like it before, and I love, love, LOVE your idea of an inter-house table.
Your dialogue is written beautifully, all of the characters have a great chemistry with each other, Rose and Scorpius in particular. (Surprise, surprise.) These lines in particular were my favorites:
"You know, 'pretty-boy' can also be interpreted as 'priss,' or 'git.'"
As if. Lily was going to be the Minister of Magic.
But, my favorite line of all,
Rose was on her back now, with Scorpius on top of her. It was not exactly the most comfortable position. Now, under different circumstances...
Oh, my God! Hilarious! All I have to say on that.
The only little thing that stood out to me was:
But what's a little derangement between *friends*?
Just a suggestion, but I'd change the stars around 'friends' to italics. Now, I use stars around words a lot when 'talking' over the internet, but I tend to avoid it in writing like this. (Uh, I mean stories and the like.) It just looks out of place, and italics would fit the meaning much better. That's really all that I noticed, though!
This was a great read! Good job.Author's Response: Thanks for the review!
Yay you thought it was funny! *does victory dance* I'm also really glad that you thought it was well-written.
Albus and Scorpius' friendship would make a good story. *longing sigh*
You seriously haven't read anything that has Hogwarts like this?? I'm pleasently surprised!
The inter-house table was a wish of mine, and a way to get all the characters together. It's a symbiotic relationship.
I love those lines too! Is it bad when you're amused by your own writing? Lol.
The italics thing is a good idea. I'll do that when I go back and edit.
Thanks again for the amazing review!
-AKABARA Report Review
Awww! This was soo cute! An interesting take on the challenge. With such a cliche kiss in the rain challenge, this was not cliche at all. I love how... Natural it was. As always I enjoy your take on stories. :) You do such a wonderful job of getting your thoughts out without making it overly detailed! :) I have to say this was a great story and Really, good luck in this challenge. It was an amazing story whether you placed or not! :DAuthor's Response: Yay, thanks for the review!
I freely admit that I haven't a clue about romance. And the mud thing just came to me... I'm really glad you thought it seemed natural.
*ohmygosh soaks up incredible complement*
I'm happy it wasn't overly detailed as well. I've been told that I sometimes overdo some things, so hearing that *technically seeing* makes me so happy!
I actually think that the challenge was cancelled, but thank you for the good luck. Maybe I can use it for something else, like homework! (lol)
Thanks again for the absolutely wonderful review!
-AKABARA Report Review
Hey! Mizzxpearl here with your review! :D
Okay, first off this was a good read! Good job writing it! You had a few awkward sentences here and there. Don't add "then" so much. Here's an example:
She looked over at him, an odd look on her face, and then thanked him.
She looked over at him, an odd look on her face.
"Thanks," Rose mumbled, not meeting his eyes (or whatever you want there).
And you're a little comma happy too! It's okay, it just comes with practice.
Also, don't add detail where it seems like it would be too much. For example:
Rose called over her shoulder as the two fourth year students walked away...
Rose called over her shoulder as she walked away.
You already established that their in fourth year since their fourteen. If you still wanted to clarify though, you could have written that their fourth years in the beginning. It's a little out of place in the middle.
Hmmm I have a suggestion, that you could compleatly ignore if you want! You said that Dom had failed miserably because the people she tried to hook up became best friends. That's not really failing misearbly. If you want that, you should write soemthing like they were the complete opposites and broke up within a day. Just a suggestion!
Haha, ew, Albus is a disgusting eater!
By the way, I think you got Lily's charactersation spot on! Good job there!
Really, really cute story!! All and all, I enjoyed it!
Keep writing! You're doing brilliantly! :DAuthor's Response: Thanks for reviewing!
Oh, wow! Those are really great suggestions! I'll have to go back and see what I can do... *copies and pastes your suggestions lol*
About the commas, yes! It is a bad habit of mine that I must get rid of.
I don't know why I did that with Al... It was just for comedy, I guess...
Lily was fun. She's calm and ambitious, but still a cute little girl.
Thanks again for the review and the complements!
-AKABARA Report Review
That was really good!
~MarciaAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review and the complement!
-AKABARA Report Review
soo cool love it xoxoAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! I'm glad you liked it!
-AKABARA Report Review
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