Hey it's patronus_charm from the Ravenclaw Review Battle!
I immediatly liked how you set in Paris, as I tend to and I think most other people tend to forget as well that Dom and Victoire are actually half French so it was nice to show their connection to the country.
I thought Dom was a prefect character, you couldn't help but fall in love with her free spirit. She seemed so determined to follow her own path and I really enjoyed that. She contrasted so much to the rather rigid Victoire who seemed a bit controlling, especially on Teddy's hair colour!
I did notice once or twice you forget to use capitals so if you just read it through again you could get rid of those :)
I thought it was a great twist with Victoire announcing she wasn't in love with Teddy after all. I had been guessing from the start that Dom's affections for Teddy may not be just platonic so it was nice to be proved right:) And with Teddy announcing his love for Dom, I certainly did not expect that.
I always thought that Victoire and Teddy seemed a bit of an odd pairing so I was really glad that you paired him with Dom as I think they suite each other much better! Anyway I really enjoyed this story it provided a lot of drama and was very entertaining to read:) Report Review
It takes talent to write a Dom/Teddy/Victoire that's not utterly cliche. But it takes pure genius to write a Dom/Teddy/Victoire that's not utterly cliche even though it works out happily and perfectly for everyone :o And you are definitely pure genius. Because as unlikely and too-perfect-to-be-real as this entire scenario is, you somehow made it work anyway! I honestly can never understand how you do it. You just make all of their confessions and feelings and dramatics fit into everyday life so...undramatically. It's the best!
I'm usually a strict Teddy/Victoire kind of girl, but you really made me root for Teddy/Dom here. And I think it's because this was chock full of such amazing characterization, as your writing usually is. I really felt like I understood Dom and her relationship with Teddy and her sister. And then there you had these sporadically insightful bits that just portrayed all of their personalities so well and succinctly and really stood out to me, like: "Victoire wasn't the kind of person to skip from man to man; she devoted herself fully to everyone she cared about, it was one of her best qualities. She didn't take men for granted, like our cousin Rose. She was true to herself, too; if Victoire loved Dwyn more than Ted, she would know it, and by Merlin she would act on it."
I loved this description of Victoire - firstly, because it doesn't paint her as some evil back-stabbing girlfriend and, secondly, because it's through Dominique's perspective and thus says as much about Dominique as it does about Victoire. How much she really loves and trusts her sister. It made it very easy to understand why she wouldn't admit to liking Teddy and why she hadn't acted on it. And, I have to say, it's very refreshing to see Dominique and Victoire have an actually good relationship. It's weirdly uncommon.
Anyway, like I said, you had me rooting for Teddy/Dom basically from the beginning of this story. Their interaction was so easy (can't think of the right word...non-awkward?) and it just seemed like they really understood each other and Dom noted that they were birds of a feather and squee. And then how Dom liked his normal appearance as opposed to the blonde appearance - and how Victoire's new preference for blondes seems to foreshadow the existence of, er, Dwyn. And then how Dominique makes fun of Dwyn's name at the most inopportune. It was just all-around brilliant and, basically, you're kind of brilliant.
It's interesting to compare this with Welcome to the Circus, which is so starkly different in its take on the relationship between these three. I find it kind of amazing that you wrote both of these with such different personalities for these characters - it seems like it would be difficult to handle different versions of the same characters in different stories, but you're quite amazing so I'm sure it was no trouble for you at all ;)
I think I'm running out of things to praise you about or anything at all constructive for you, but I'll try. The only thing that I can say is that I wish we could've known more about Dominique's feelings. I understand she might've been in denial the whole time and thus unwilling to even think about her feelings for Teddy, but at least at the end it would've been nice to get a peek into her thoughts - beyond her picking the easiest choice. Even just the smallest hint of true happiness or an actual realization that she did have more-than-platonic feelings for him, or something. Maybe something more than just: "I was surprised to find that loving Ted didn't feel as repulsive an idea when it came out of his mouth." Leaving it at that just seems so.objective. Detached, almost.
But that's really about it. I found this very enjoyable; it gave me all the warm fuzzy feelings inside. And your summary is clever but, then again, they always are, aren't they? (:
Cherry Bear Report Review
I liked the ending; the abruptness kind of fit it. Though, I do think a bit of more acceptance about Teddy loving Dom would be a bit better. But hey, that's just my opinion.
Anyway, great story! I love Dom's personality. :)Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I wrote this quite some time ago, and while it was a big step for me to be writing romance of any kind, now when I look back I see a lot of things I'd like to fix. Namely, all the romantic bits. :P I definitely hear what you're saying about Teddy and Dom.
On the other hand, Dom's personality was (and is) what I liked most about this, so I'm glad you enjoyed her too! Report Review
Oh I LOVE IT! It's so perfect, and you did Ted perfectly... perhaps I am biased because I am in love with Lupin and anything about his son would be great to me... but I think it was an amazing piece of writing! You did Dominique so well. I think the end might've moved a little fast but otherwise it was perfection!Author's Response: Thanks! I do really like the personalities of the characters in this one... I'll take a look at the ending, that was by the far the least smooth part of the story. :) Report Review
Oh, I loved this so much! It was cute and refreshing.Author's Response: Thanks for the sweet review. Report Review
Hi! Here with your review!
I'm not sure if I've reviewed for you before so the way I do it is this: I allow my inner critic to dictate the first bit and itemise any typos, grammatical errors or the like she found, and then I talk about your story.
So, first things first. I noticed a typo here: "as stuffy office" - I think you mean "a stuffy office". And I was going to pick you up on "pittoresque" until I realised it was French. Nice one! *grins*
And here, you've got an incorrect dialogue tag: "I'm so glad I found you, Dom!" She exclaimed ... Ideally, the "she" shouldn't be capitalised. The rule with dialogue is that if the dialogue ends with a question mark or exclamation mark, then the tag ("she exclaimed", in this case) needn't be capitalised because it's seen as still being the same sentence. Pennyardelle wrote a brilliant summary on formatting dialogue in the forums under "Writers Resources" if you need more clarity on this.
Finally, here you have some incorrect punctuation: "But look on the bright side," Victoire said with a weak smile, "Now you can finally have Teddy." If you want to keep this all the same sentence, you should uncapitalise "now". If you want to make it two sentences, then put a full stop (period, if you're American, which from your spelling I suspect you are) after "smile". Either would be fine but I think it has to be one or the other. Actually I think both dialogue errors happen more than once, but I'm only going to point them out once.
Right. Your story. This is very good! I liked it a lot. As far as the plot goes, which was your main concern, I think it worked very well - your characterisation of Dom, Teddy and Victoire was strong and consistent, their behaviour convincing and the transfer of affections almost logical. I liked the subtlety of the change of Ted's hair colour signifying his doubts about Victoire and the relationship as a whole, and the consistency in ice cream preferences as a suggestion that Ted and Dom were destined for each other in the first place. It was very cute.
My only criticism might be to extend her acceptance at the end out a bit - while the single sentence "I was surprised to find that loving Ted didn't feel as repulsive an idea when it came out of his mouth" is strong, part of me wanted it teased out a little more. Maybe more of an internal battle or more surprise or something rather than her just accepting it when he said it. Although, as she pointed out, that little declaration of his did make things much easier in the long run! So maybe I'm asking for something that doesn't need to be there. But yeah, it just felt a little too fast, especially considering she rejected the idea so thoroughly when Victoire suggested it. Just my opinion, of course.
Anyway I thought this was a great one-shot. It didn't feel unfinished, as a lot of them do, and you managed to set the scene very well using a minimal amount of words, which is a great talent and one I wish I had. Well done!
cheers, MelAuthor's Response: Thanks for the long, detailed review! I did go check out pennyardelle's topic, there wasn't much I didn't know but it was a good reminder.
I really enjoyed the characters here; if I had the patience to write a longer story with them, I would. :P
I think I'll play around with Dom's acceptance; I like the way it ends, but maybe I'll make her a little more reasonable when Victoire suggests it earlier.
Thanks for the great review! Report Review
Haha. I don't know if you meant it to be, but I find your ending a bit hilarious. I really like where you took this, I had no clue really where it was going, just that a bit of Teddy/Dom was going to be involved most likely. Great job, I enjoyed this a lot.
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: I wanted the ending to be unexpected, and hilarious is fine. I worked hard to get the plot different from the norm. Thanks for the review. Report Review
AH! I love this. Usually I'm a massive diehard TedVic shipper, and the age gap between Dom and Teddy usually doesn't sit well with me, but I think I might have changed my mind! This is perfect! I really, really enjoyed it. I definitely liked how Victoire was quite superficial and attention-seeking, and Teddy was just gorgeous is every possible way. It's also beautifully written, with perfect characterisation (even for a one-shot). I adore it! 10/10.Author's Response: Thanks! I had tons of fun with the characterization. I wanted to make Victoire the bad guy, but with only as many faults as a normal person might have. And how could Ted not be gorgeous?!! :P I'm glad I may have pushed you a little towards Dom/Ted. Report Review
Hey! I'm here from the forums with your review. (:
I liked this. (: The ending wasn't really what I was expecting; After Victoire told her she was in love with Teddy, I expected Dom to realize it and go running to him. But I like how you did it, kind of the up-in-the-air, "I don't really love you, but it solves a lot of problems" way. (:
You asked about plot, and I have to say, I really like yours. It wasn't cliche, and the ending, as I said, was really enjoyable. (: I like how you've had Victoire as the calm, not flighty one, and Rose as the one who "takes men for granted".
I love your Dom; I've seen a lot of different versions of her, but I really like yours. (: I like her first speaking line, it really sets the tone for her personality and all that good stuff.
Now onto grammar things...
You had "It Welsh"--it should be It's.
That's really all I noticed, other then a couple of missing commas, but those weren't noticeable, really. (:
I love the use of the name Dwyn, and Dom's reaction to that. XD I like the non-elegant names, and that one makes me smile.
I really enjoyed reading this. (: Your ending was sweet, and the entire thing was a fun read. I'd be interested to see what else you've written; if you want, feel free to request for another story. :D
-JasmineAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm glad the ending was unexpected; I tried several different ideas out, but I didn't want both sisters to be in love with Ted at once, like they are in a lot of stories. JK left us with a potentially good love triangle, but now it's being overdone. As for Dom's personality, it was extremely fun. :D
Thanks for the grammar tips... I've just submitted a beta'd version of the story, with a few of my own edits, so it should be better. Report Review
Seriously great chapter. I love how describe the background just enough that we can picture it and just as little so it doesn't ruin the flow of the conversation. I like Dom, she seems sweet, but just wants to enjoy life without drama for once and gets the opposite.
I am a little iffy about Vic, but it seems like she really is sad for leaving Teddy, and I would expect Ted to be more nervous when he was telling his fiance's sister that he was in love with her!
So i am guessing the story takes place mostly in paris (title) ? Can't wait to see how things turn out!
update soon (:
becca xxAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review! I tried hard to deviate from one overused version of Victoire that is spoiled, selfish, drop dead gorgeous, gets guys easily, and all in all a bad guy. I don't think I did too well on that, but for the purpose of the story she had to be annoying. I didn't want the reader to hate her though, just try and understand her thinking. Glad you were just "iffy" about her; that's all I was expecting. :)
Sorry to break it to you, but this is a one shot! The story is over. But I purposely left it slightly open-ended so that I can continue Dom, Ted and Victoire's story some other time. It was fun to write, and I'd love to get to know Dom better through a novel one day. It's just that I'm so bad at continuing WIPs, and I don't have enough time to work on them all as it is, so I left this one short. :) Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection