The beginning of the chapter is already an improvement description-wise but you could go even further. Instead of having him see them right away, you could build the suspense up to that moment. Also, how did Albus see under the Invisiblity Cloak? Does he have some special power that we don't know about?
Although I understand that it is important for the tension of the relationship for Lily to be upset with Albus for turning them in, sneaking around at night doesn't really seem like something to wake the Head of the House for. I think this probably could have been combined with the first chapter. They just seem like fragments on their own. You have a great start. You just need to get your plot in motion a little bit more. Well done! :)Author's Response: Albus was holding the Marauder's Map, so he knew that Connor and Lily were hiding under the Invisibility Cloak! ;)
Once again, thanks for the review! :) Report Review
Your title is super cute and eye-catching! You should consider revising your summary because it won't let you finish the word "roller coaster". It just looks a little sloppy.
You have good grammar and spelling, but I think you need to concentrate a little bit more on detail. By the first break, there hasn't been much established about Lily. She could really be anything. If you go into more detail about that scene and why it's important, the reader would have a clearer picture in their head. Also, keep in mind that curses in the hallway would probably not go unpunished (even if that chick totally deserved it).
Also, what Dark Lord are you talking about? Voldemort has long since been defeated. If there's a new Dark Lord around (which would totallly be an interesting plot point) definitely go into detail about it. We humble readers cannot read your mind. Why are Lily and her brother fighting? Maybe it's not something that you wanted to reveal right away, but it's still too vague. I feel like you didn't move the plot forward, but I look forward to see where you go with the next chapter. Well done, though, for a first novel. It's much more advanced that many firsts that I've seen, grammar and spelling-wise :)Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm really thinking about editing this whole thing up, even though it's only 2 chapters, because it's extremly short and lacking detail. :/ Anyway, I'm glad you thought it was good for a first attempt! Report Review
Oh man Albus is a git! (Yes I'm American) I really want to know why Albus and Lily are fighting. You've got me hooked. Keep up the nice work! 10/10 *favorites*Author's Response: Thanks! I have some of the thid chapter written out in a notebook, I just need the incentive to type it. Report Review
Hmm. Interesting. You don't usually see any next gen that doesn't have James II as one of the main characters. I feel like he's always the comic relief, so I'd love to see what you do without him. Good first chapter!Author's Response: Thank you! I know what you mean about James, but I'm not so fond of the character, myself. Report Review
I liked it! But please tell me you'll update soon or continue!Author's Response: I'm not sure if a new chapter is coming soon, but trust me. It will come. Thanks for the review! :) Report Review
Wow, Albus is a jerk! Older brothers can be really awful, i know from experience! She tries to make up with him and it blows up in her face :(
Anyway, lovely job. I just wish the chapters were longer so i could read more! Update soon, oh and i love the title. I'm a huge beatles fan, and i love that song so i thought it was cute you made it Lily in the sky with diamonds (;
(if you have some time, check out my story A Perfect Mess, i would really appreciate it :D)Author's Response: Thanks for the great reviews! ;) Yes, I'm working on making the next chapter longer. I love the Beatles too, and that's my fave Beatles song! :D Report Review
Good first chapter! Wow andrea used to be her friend?! She seems like an awful git! Lily deserves a good friend. I think Connor seems nice so far, can't wait to read more. And I wonder why her and albus are feuding!? I'll jsut have to read to find out i suppose :)
10/10Author's Response: Hey, thanks for the review! Made a really great day even better! Glad you enjoyed the chapter! Report Review
Wow, Albus wasn't very nice :O Why would they lie about that? And why on earth would they go to the Gryffindor common room if not for Albus? (or, well, any other family member, of course) If I were Lily, I wouldn't forgive him either (at least before he comes crawling for her forgiveness :P). Is it such a strange thing that Lily would go look for her brother that nobody believes them?
Hope you'll update soon, maybe with a somewhat longer chapter? :)Author's Response: I've been working on the third chapter. I know, I'm not very good at making super long chapters, but I'll try to make the next one longer! Thanks ofr the reviews! :) Report Review
So Lily's a Hufflepuff here? That's quite original :) And I'm guessing that Hugo isn't, since he wasn't in the common room with them?
It's quite ironic that Andrea insults Lily's grandmother when they come right out of the class in which she excelled :P What were Lily and Albus fighting about? I wonder what how Andrea and Lily managed to drift apart like that...Author's Response: Thank you for the review. Hugo is a Gryffindor, and Lily is a Hufflepuff. Report Review
i have to agree with Lily on this one. Albus is a git! Lily should write to Ginny so she could send an howler to Albus. i would like to see his face if he ever receives one. will u update soon please?^_^
Harry and GinnyAuthor's Response: Thanks, and that's a really great idea! I'll keep it in mind! And, yes, I'll update soon! Thanks, your review made my day! Report Review
Go Lily! Your a good write though I think you should change your chapter titles.Author's Response: Thank you! Yeah, I am really bad at coming up with chapter titles, so, for now, they're just Chapter One, Chapter Two, etc. Report Review
great start 4 the 1st chapter. Lily is in what year of school? by the way, i found some mistakes.
1. a little peice of - a little piece of
2. Andre and her gang - Andrea and her gang
3. Leberacorpus - Liberacorpus
4. Know she’s just being - Now she’s just being
5. Connor has just bveat me - Connor has just beat me
6. now that James’ is out of - now that James is out of
i hope i could help u. why are Lily and Albus fighting? will u update soon please?^_^
Harry and GinnyAuthor's Response: Thank you for the help with mistakes. Lily is in her fifth year at Hogwarts. I just submitted the second chapter, and just waiting for it to be validated! Report Review
I officially love you for naming this Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds!! Me and my friends were sitting in a parking lot singing this last night! any way, had to say something about the title, but this story is amazing!! write more!!Author's Response: Thank you! ;) I have been working on chapter two, and it will be up soon. And, yes, I love the song Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, too! Report Review
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