Ahh..I knew Derek was going to do something like this. I think that you have to get Scorpius and Rose's relationship moving forwards now that her and Derek are done. I think you should have done it before, because you already illustrated the hate that they had for each other and you were repeating the same sort of interactions over and over. Hopefully in the next chapter you'll get it moving. I really like all the other character relationships. Really enjoying this story, keep it up. :)Author's Response: hahaa well i had to get rid of him somehow?! i joke. but that seemed like one of the only sane options :P well the next chapter is up and there might be something there! also, in the new chapter i'm writing, you might see more of rose/scorpious and the other characters come into the picture more :) i'll try to update as soon as possible :) i'm glad you like the story :) x Report Review
Hi, I totally forgot that you asked me to review the last chapter, sorry!
Anyways, I think that this story is getting better, but that there are still things to work on. I definitely think that the pacing needs some work. The chapters are pretty short and I think that with more description, some more dialogue and a bit of filler that you'll reach a better pace. Because right now, I still feel like you're speeding along.
As for characterization, again, I think slowing things down will help. You've developed Rose a bit more, but I still don't feel like I know her very well. How does she get along with her parents? With Hugo? Those things you can slip into the story and they really help define the character you're writing about.
Your spelling and grammar has improved a lot, which is good. But I'm wondering, what are the italics in this chapter? Song lyrics? I'm not sure if they really fit, since you haven't really used any song lyrics before this point.
I hope my reviews were helpful. Let me know if you have any questions about anything I wrote.Author's Response: no worries :) thank you so much! i'm really gonna try to take into consideration what you've told me and work on it! :) Report Review
Hello, here for your review.
I felt like this chapter was very short and confusing. You never once mention the name "Rose." Don't just assume that people will automatically know who you're talking about. Also, I felt like you really rushed things. Take the time to introduce characters and describe scenery and emotions. That will make the chapter long and make it feel less rushed.
I did notice quite a few spelling/grammar mistakes.
"It was 10.45 and I knew that she is going to be late for the train if everybody didnít hurry up, but there was no way that was going to happen. She was to Head Girl after all this year and she could not possibly be late. " This first paragraph is very confusing, you change from "I" to "she."
"Good luck!" mum" you should capitalize "Mum"
"Oliver spent his summer with his parent" that should be "with his parents"
"Derek planted a quit passionate" it should be "a quick passionate"
"I was annoyed to know end." it should be "no end."
If I were you, I might try to find a beta reader to help catch the mistakes I think I got most of them, but there are more especially with verb tenses. If you don't get a beta, at least proofread it another time, you'll probably catch most of the mistakes.Author's Response: thank you so much! :) I will definitely try to take into consideration what you have said and work on it! :) Report Review
I like how this chapter ended, with her alone on the Astronomy Tower. Updates would be awesome! I think there needs to be some more action between Rose and Scorp. I also love the whole side story with Emily and Oliver! They're adorable!Author's Response: I'm glad you like it :) I shall work on that one ^^ The next one is halfway ready though so I should be updating soon!! :) There will be no worries.. This chapter was kind of crucial for that :) I know right! They are just the cutest ever :D xx Report Review
awesome chapter more soon please!!! :)Author's Response: next chapter is up! :D glad you like it :) xx Report Review
oh my god! this is amazing and ive only read one chapter! I love everything thats about Rose and Scorpius.Author's Response: I'm really glad you like it! I really like the pairing too :) I think that's what they could be like :P Report Review
This is your best chapter so far and the only things you need to fix up are small wording errors and little bits of grammar.
Plot wise this chapter is really good and its great to see that you aren't going to focus only on the Rose and Scorpius relationship but also on the Oliver-Emily one.
Also Malfoy's dialogue is very inventive and funny. I am very jealous of your dialogue making skills and can't wait to see more in your future chapters!
-CassAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review! I shall see what I can do :) Report Review
So the biggest problem in this chapter is grammar but that can be easily remedied with another read through. It terms of character's everything's okay but try to be sure that Rose doesn't turn into a Mary Sue aslo try to avoid to many cliches.
Also the banner is really cool!
-CassAuthor's Response: Okay, point taken. thank you! I'll try to do my best looking back at your comments :) Report Review
please write more soon !!! this story is really great !
:D :DAuthor's Response: I will try to do my best because I'm not the kind of person who writes ahead.. :P I just write when I get an idea in my head.. Or just sit in front of my computer till it comes to me :P Report Review
I just loved this part 'You know you secretly love me Malfoy. Just admit it.' I replied with a smile playing on my lips as I started to walk towards my bedroom. 'Im just too irresistable for your own good.' funny and he could even really say anythink. I think that you have to keep going as I want to she Rose plan I am all for this story and I want them together.
10/10Author's Response: thanks for the lovely review! :) Report Review
This is quite the instering read its had me smilling and laughing the whole way along, and there is mistry in what Scop is thinking. He comes out shy but confendet at the same time and I love the way its coming along, and that I dont like the professor Blackwood but every school has one. I like how you spock of Snape and how Ron had said about Rose beting scop
Just love the take on this, cant wait to read the nextAuthor's Response: I'm glad you like it :) and thanks for the review! :) Report Review
Well I would like to first start off tell you have I am quite taken with this, its my kind of story, from what I can tell in this chapter you have all the charcters and you have not put Rose out just like to be Hermione. I really like how Rose says that being on time for the train is a skill. Oh that was great I mean being a Weasley they are meant to just make it so it just fits.
I also found the borther/sister part at the start with Rose and Hugo is just something that happenes at my house and I loved seeing that in here, not that we go to platfom 9 and 3/4.
I loved the part with Emily and Oliver they just seem like the friends that could fight all day, but at the end they are there for each other, kind of like if anyone but us says anythink they are dead.
Derek mm wells I am hoping that its her boyfriend this will make the plot have more twist and turns. That I can already see before the diffrent paths that you could go down, I quite like the line Scop first says to Rose, just can tell the way they have be from day one but he just does it to get under her skin, witch is working.Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I greatly appreciate it :) Report Review
hey liza, this story is great please please add more i read this chpt in 2 min! it was soo short but its going rlly well!
love, ImanAuthor's Response: okay, I'll try to make the chapters longer. but as I said I kinda had a creative black out. I'll just see what I can do :) Will see where I end up :)
xx Report Review
Ah romance is in the air. There's nothing like some match making.
spam_up_samAuthor's Response: Yeah, I somehow came to the idea that Rose should be the one to make Oliver and Emily finally come together. I have already everything planned out for the match making, just have to write it up. And I completely agree - there really is nothing like some match making.. :)
x Report Review
oh lalala emily and oliver YAY XD okk..i kinda expected that..what's the plan? i am going to ask you until you tell me :P hahaha there's no scorpius in this chapter :( but ok...fine :PAuthor's Response: Nope, im not telling you! you will just have to wait and see for yourself :) Report Review
ok...ummm who the heck is Norbert??? LOL okkk i liked this chapter and i read it again to get a recap of what happened b4 i go on to chapter 3...:DAuthor's Response: you know who it is :) and glad u like it :) Report Review
This is really good!
~MarciaAuthor's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you like it :)
xx Report Review
~MarciaAuthor's Response: thank you! glad you liked it :) Report Review
Snape is dead. He can't be the potions master if he died 21-22 years ago.Author's Response: oops! my bad. :( ill make sure i correct my mistake asap. thanks anyhow :) Report Review
COME ON LIZA YOU GOT TO DO BETTER THAN THAT ;)Author's Response: yeah, okay.. just read the next ch. okay? ;) Report Review
Oh he's mean isn't he but it's like a 'I secretly fancy Rose Weasley's pants off' mean...even if he doesn't know it yet lol I liked that moment where him and his friends were taking the mick out of Rose and her boyfriend with obnoxious kissey noises, that was funny.
There were typos here and there but again nothing a quick read through and edit wouldn't catch =]
It was good, I'm keen to see what the next chapter is like
Anyway, keep it up!
spam_up_samAuthor's Response: yeah, in a way i guess.. i just have to figure out how to make him realize that.. and i try to throw in some humor and other stuff in so that it's not only concentrated around Rose and Scorpious, I mean school life is always full of fun and other things :)
I'm really glad you like it!
x Report Review
omg insomnia :P hahahha it's me and i thought it was good...tell me when you write more ;)Author's Response: sure ill let you know :) Report Review
The beginning of this story is a good introduction to the rest of the story, leaves the reader with more questions than answers and keeps one interested and wanting to know more.
The spelling and grammar isn't perfect but it doesn't deprive the story of any understanding. It is still easily legible and I would really like to keep reading in the future.
I would totally recommend this to anyone wanting to read about a romantic flick with some of their favorite characters.Author's Response: Hahaa. Thanks Norb!
No need to be so official. And I'll keep you to your word about reading it further! :)
xx Report Review
I thought it was good =] and it's your first fan fic too so your writing style is definitely going to develop over the length of the story. I didn't spot any mistakes, I wasn't really looking either lol, but I thought the read was really quick and smooth so I enjoyed it.
If I could suggest anything, and by all means you can just ignore me =], but I'd say that a little more description, or perhaps adding more of Rose's thoughts and reflections through the narration to strengthen her characterisation would be a nice addition but as it is, I thought it was good and I'll certainly read the next chapter to see where you're going with this.
Happy writing! Keep up the good work!
spam_up_samAuthor's Response: Heya!
Thanks for the lenghty review! I really appreciate it! Any kind of 'feedback' as i call it, is really welcome since this is the first time I have decided to write a fan fic (or a story in general). I'll try and see what I can do with your suggestion and most certainly will try to add more of Rose's thoughts to the writing.
Thanks and I'll try to keep it up :)
xx Report Review
~MarciaAuthor's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you liked it :)
xx Report Review
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