YAAAY! Lily made intercession for Snape. My day is complete!! (it's not obvious that I love Snape/Lily right? :P)
Well I was suspecting what the contents of their conversation would be, or who it would be about better said, but you still left me hanging! Why do you tease me sooo?
It was very touching to see that Lily still thought about Severus after all they'd been through. Even him calling her a mudblood in their school years couldn't really make her forget about him that fast. They had been best friends since infancy and that can't be easily forgotten. Very true to character indeed. Now all I have to do is patiently wait for the next chapter :D
House Cup 2011, End of an Era Review Extravaganza
Forum name: Debra20
House: GryffindorAuthor's Response: DEBRA!
Thanks for the review!!
Lily and Snape forever!!
I'm glad that you liked the Lily/Snape stuff in this chapter. I really tired to make their connection special and kinda hint at what would happen in the next chapter.
I'm writing as fast as I can!! I have so many writing projects it's not even funny, but I promise I will get it done.
Thanks again for the review!! Report Review
You sure you aren't in Gryffindor? Because I think it takes a lot of courage to give a shot at writing Dumbledore. Nevertheless, this is proving to be quite intriguing and I shall never forgive you if you don't continue it!
What I loved best was how 'normal' Dumbledore felt. How human. I know that sounds silly, but in Jo's books he really is portrayed as some kind of demigod. Only in the latter books we find out it's not quite like that. Having him stop his work just to go and buy some sweets, unable to work without them, is just so like him! Adding your description to this, you can easily imagine him trying to skip off the paper work. I've always imagined him more like a man of action than one sitting behind a desk all day.
I do think it can prove a very nice story and I'm looking forward to hearing more from it. I'm particularly curious about how the conversation will go between Dumbledore and Lily. I forgot to check the era. This must be Marauders, right? I'm suspecting she will plea for Snape but we never know. Just need to read the next chapter to find out :D
House Cup 2011, End of an Era Review Extravaganza
Forum name: Debra20
House: GryffindorAuthor's Response: I know!!! I tried super super hard to make Dumbledore as close to the books as possible, while still keeping in mind that he isn't an all powerful being. He's human, he makes mistakes, he craves sweets, etc. So I'm glad you like that. :D
I will try my hardest to update this as soon as possible, just know that I have several other works in progress that come first lol.
Thanks so so much for reviewing!!
Love PP!!! Report Review
Not fair! You can't leave it there! Well, at least now I know which Lily Potter it is - I thought I saw something about time travel in the story summary which is why I wasn't entirely sure. Anyway, back to the point. I get the feeling this was intended to be a Lily/Snape fic, which is fine, but now I'm curious as to how you were going to go about it. Starting, of course, with what that conversation was about. I'm not sure that Lily would have been so shocked that he did join the DEs, because of what we saw in The Prince's Tale, but then again I've been known to misinterpret things so I'm willing to be convinced. :)
Anyway, this is a good start to a story and has me curious enough to want to know what was going to happen next. Great work!!
melian (gryffindor)Author's Response: I'm sorry!!! Chapter three has been one problem after another (and I haven't even gotten to the time travel yet!!). I'm hoping to have it up sometime before the end of the year *crosses fingers*
Hehe now THAT would have been interesting, bring young Lily back to talk to Dumbledore.*has plot bunny*
This is an IMPLIED Lily/Snape fic.sorta.you will see next chapter!!!
Lily wasn't necessarily shocked, she was just more upset and emotional (because of the events in chapter three). See now I have to get my behind in gear and write chapter three lol.
Thanks again!!! Mel this has really made me kinda emotional, you have no idea how much all these reviews mean to me, especially coming from an author I admire. So thank you thank you thank you!!!
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Aw, this was your first story? It's so sweet! (Literally, in some ways - what a fascination Dumbledore had with Honeydukes!!)
Anyway, before I go on I feel I should point out that you spelled Hogsmeade in two different ways in this chapter, neither of which were correct. (Yes, I know, I notice things like this. Sorry.) It was nice to have him wandering around outside the castle, though, because we don't see many fics with him anywhere but Hogwarts or 12 Grimmauld Place. I am dying to know what Lily Potter was doing, though (and which Lily Potter it is), so I'm going to hurry onwards to read the next chatper now. :)
melian (gryffindor)Author's Response: Hehe yeah this was my first (and written for a challenge might I add) fic and I was so nervous to post it :s
haha I always imagine Dumbledore with a sweet tooth a la Chapter 2 of Philosophers Stone with the lemon drop. Haha I think it adds a bit of character to Dumbly.
I was/still am sooo bad at spelling OMG I would die without spell check, and I know that spelled Hogsmeade wrong multiple times :/
This is currently being re-written a bit, a few more explanations going in, fixing some spelling and grammar stuff etc. So that should be fixed soonish.
Haha I wanted to get Dumbledore out of his comfort zone a bit and into a place we often see the schoolkids going because I wanted to draw parallels to his childhood. If that makes sense...
Lily Potter the first!! Erm Harry's mum lol.
Thanks SOOO much for reviewing Mel, it means soo much to me that you would take time to do this :D
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Oh no! That's it? Haha, I don't even get to find out what she told Severus? That's just...that's mean.
I've always been very interested in Lily and Snape's relationship. Most of the time it's assumed that they never spoke after the night he called her a Mudblood, but after being friends for that long it's hard to just walk away and not look back.
I really really really want to know what they talked about! xD
DemAuthor's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing!!
I'm sorry!! I've been meaning to finish chapter three for AGES but it was turning out REALLY badly, not how I wanted at all. So I'm basically scraping it and re-writing it. It's just taken longer than I had originally hoped. I WILL post chapter three soonish.I'm dedicating part of it to lizzacc who's favorite pairing was Lily/Snape (I think...I can't find it now!! Now I'm afraid I made that up in my head :/).
I don't think that was the last time they spoke...and that's what sort of prompted me into writing this. I needed to have some sort of closer between Lily and Snape that the book didn't give us.
You will find out soon! I promise! *goes off to write chapter 3*
Thanks again fro reviewing!
PP Report Review
I love the way you write Dumbledore! I really miss the cooky old man that didn't seem to have a care in the world from the earlier books. I think you did a wonderful job balancing that with the Dumbledore we grew to know in the later ones.
I'm very curious to see what new he has for Lily. :/
DemAuthor's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing!!!
Dumbledore is one of my favorite characters and I'm glad you thought I did him justice. I worked really hard on making him as dumbledore-ish as possible (if that makes sense). I really wanted to capture the essence of his character because he plays a major role in this story.
The news isn't pretty I'm afraid :/ You'll see soon enough...
Thanks again for the review!!
PP Report Review
How's this for a show of good faith? I've only read one parahraph and I've already marked it a 10/10 :) Seems a little un-Dumbledore like to want to ignore Lily though...at least, I think that's what he was doing...maybe? Oh well :P *reads on*
Oh, Snape joined Voldy...well, that's not NEARLY as bad as what I suspected. Although I suppose its still a bit of a downer...good reactions from your Lily here :) Dumbledore's not exactly canon Dumbledore, but your imagining of him is wonderful anyway. Canon characters are lazy anyway lol.
Well, Dumbledore at least kept that "I trust Snape" thing from canon that always made me so mad :D Haha I'm not going to sit here and debate Snape being misunderstood though :P This review is to tell you that this fic (especially since it was your first) is GREAT :) I know you're starting a new one, but one of these days you need to come back and finish one of these WIPs babe :) You'd have at least one review within an hour, I promise.
Well I was definitely right to mark it 10/10 at the beginning, I love it. Not quite as much as I love you though :) Keep it up hon,
Your Kanga,Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Report Review
Ello ello, my dear :) Looks like we've got a Lily/Snape here? I haven't read any yet, I'm just assuming lol. Well let's see what gem you've got for me...
"'Oh bollocks!' Albus swore to himself. He frowned as he slouched lower into his chair. He wouldn’t be traveling for another week or two and Honeydukes hadn’t yet accepted his plea to stock his favorite muggle sweet" Love the quick little curse :P Well...I think that's a curse word...isn't it? Maybe? Haha oh well. You did miss the period at the end there though :P But hey, got my nit picked early at least :D
Perhaps this ISN'T Lily/Snape...but hey, mischievious Dumbledore! *gives props* He WAS human after all, glad you included that a bit :) Oh, and nice little interjection about Aberforth...this is actually my favorite of your fics :)
Hmmm...wonder what happened to Lily...? Maybe...James was caught cheating on her with Snape? I'll just assume thats what it is. I feel bad for her. No one should ever have to see that. Well, this chapter was great babe, and now I think I'll move on to the next to confirm my suspicions.
Your KangaAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review! Report Review
I want to hurt you right now.
Great Chapter but how dare you leave me hanging! I demand the next chapter as soon as the queue reopens.
Just kidding get it up as soon as you can darling!
I love Snape/lily stories she should have chosen snape maybe then he would not be dead.Author's Response: Hehe cliffies are awesome :P Chapter three has given me more grief than I care to comment on, but it's coming along.
I'll let you in on a secret: This is a Snape/Lilly story!!! Dun dun dun!!! haha all will be revealed next chapter!
Thanks for the great review!!! Report Review
This is really good so far!
When Dumbledore is reminising about his first lemon drop you have a wandering and I think you meant wondering but I could be wrong.
I always thought Lily was blonde I have no clue why.
Anyway good chapter and I am off to read the second!Author's Response: Chels!!!
Thanks for the awesome review!!
Haha I have no idea what I meant there :P But I'll have another look at it. Thanks for pointing it out!!
Haha it says somewhere in canon that she's a redhead.at least I think it does.now I'm doubting myself.*checks lexicon* Yeah dark red long and thick is how they describe her hair.
Thanks for the review!! Report Review
The story seems pretty on track. I enjoyed the reliving of his childhood memories, the importance of the sweets and the recollection of how he had treated his brother, but felt it dragged on a bit with him returning to the castle (yes, I know he was avoiding some unpleasant tasks upon his return but it still made me feel just a we bit (say .3%) impaitient.)
Spelling and Grammar:
Spelling was quite perfect I can not fault you or your wonderful beta. There were a few sentances I stumbled over:
Long hard days were always spent working, usually at a desk pouring over papers after papers of boringness. (paper after paper?)
Honeydukes hadn’t yet accepted (had yet to accept?)
favorite hot spots (sounds like a night club, favorite places? favorite spots?)
had instantly fell in love (fallen in love?)
One of the most difficult people to capture would be Dumbledore. We all hold him up as an extraordinary man, a man above all others. How do you write such a character? You gave it a good effort but I felt he was too human, to much like me if that makes sense. (Again because I hold him in such high regard I think only a master writer should attempt him. Sorry Stephanie Meyer, this doesn't include you). I commend you for tackling a character many would shy away from and I feel you get 80 -90% of my idea of Dumbledore.
As this is the first chapter I am unable to comment on how this reflects on the rest of the story.
Authentic Details: In my copy of PS (page 13, Australian Edition) Dumbledore offers McGonagall a sherbert lemon rather than a lemon drop. I would also feel that Dumbledore is of the generation that would partake of Humbugs and Pepermint Rock (PS, page 92, Australian Edition) (Think unbent candy canes that are black and yellow for a humbug and a thick, unbent candy cane for pepermint rock)
Is a walking cloak different from a regular cloak?
I'm guessing the setting is sometime after Harrys birth to his first birthday, making it set in the early 80s. Be sure to listen to music from that era and remember the big events that happened to get a feel for what your characters would have been living at the time.
In short its an interesting read, a good one for a first one, an good concept and I'd at least read the next chapter to find what she needs to say to him. Would I read a chapter 3? Maybe.Author's Response: Thanks for the review!! Sorry for the late response.
You were SUPPOSED to feel impatient with Dumbledore! When has he ever done anything quickly? It took him YEARS to tell Harry most of what he knew and he STILL kept stuff from him. I was trying to mirror that quality here.
Thanks for pointing those out!! I'll have a look at them and see what I can do :)
Dumbledore is such a difficult character to get EXACTLY into cannon. But then again we only see Dumbledore through Harry's eyes so his perspective of him isn't necessarily what Dumbledore truly is like. I tried my hardest to see Dumbledore as he saw himself.
In my edition it's a lemon drop.huh weird haha I think they are the same thing.maybe... I shall have to look it up.
The time is supposed to be ambiguous, in the next chapter you find out that it's shortly after Lily married James. Report Review
Haha! I actually just laughed out loud, because after the mysterious and ominous ending of the last chapter, it was a great way to lighten the mood with the pot roast. (Darn you for making me hungry, though! Now I wish I hadn't eaten only Frosted Flakes for breakfast.)
Random fact: "Moist" is a word that, for unexplainable reasons, many people get grossed out by and can't stand. (Women in particular, too.) It's weird, but true. I guess there are two ways of looking at it: 1) Both crying and moisture are bad, so it's the perfect word choice. 2) Randomly people will get grossed out and not know why, so maybe another word is better. Totally up to you, as the author. I think it works well either way, but I'm one of the people who can't stand the sound of the word "moist." I can't even type it without cringing! Hahaha
Dumbledore's feeble attempts at avoiding conversation are both amusing and sad at the same time. They are funny to the reader upon a first glance, but when you really think about it, it just goes to further accentuate the gravity of what they are about to discuss. I'm not sure if you did that on purpose, but either way, it works really well with the story. Also, at this point I must say that I really love your characterization of Dumbledore. I think he's really hard to nail, but I definitely enjoy your portrayal of him. I, for one, cannot write Albus for the life of me.
Awesome detail: "Lily opened her mouth and closed it again, not wanting to break the silence." I love it because I do that so often when I know I need to say something but don't want to. In fact, it just happened to me a few hours ago!
This is also awesome: "YOU KNEW! YOU'VE KNOWN FOR TWO DAYS!?!?!?!" Lily screamed, her face contorted with rage. It seems like such a Lily reaction to me, from what we know of her. On top of that, it mirrors the way that Harry reacts when he thinks about all of the things that Albus knew but did not tell him. So, we can see where he got it from. It's like backwards inheritance! (Does that even make sense?) Albus' response to her outbust also seems very appropriate.
There is a minor spelling/grammar issue "someone out there has there back." In this case, it should be "their," the possessive. "There" is only used to point out a place. You probably know this but just made a typo you didn't catch. No big! I would change it, though, as people who are really big on grammar are SUPER touchy about there/their/they're.
Ahhh! YES! Here comes the juicy part! Severus spoke to Lily the night before her wedding?!? This is good...
This is such gold: "Albus wondered what other secrets she was keeping from her husband." I'll vote this one my favorite/gem of the chapter.
No fair! You ended on another cliffhanger! I've got to say, that's the perfect ending to this chapter. But, it makes me sad because there aren't any more. :(
Please promise me you'll re-request when you get a third chapter up? I'm giving you permission, even if the slots are closed or if it doesn't fit the requirements I have posted at the time.
I really enjoyed reading this. It just gets better and better the further you go--you can tell that now you've gotten into the groove of this and definitely have the hang of these characters.
You're a master at suspense, so don't leave us hanging for too long! I hope these reviews were helpful.
VAuthor's Response: Hehehe I always try to ease some of the tension I created in the last chapter. And I apologize for making you hungry.
Where did I use moist? I too don't like that word so I don't know why I used it lol unless my beta added it and didn't tell me.
Yeah I think that, contrary to popular belief, Dumbledore doesn't like talking to people about difficult subject matter. :P Thus his avoidance. I also was trying to show that Dumbly was giving Lily a chance to bring up whatever she needed to first.
Yes I was going for a resemblance to Harry in Lilys little outburst there. Hehe what can I say? Lily's redhead-edness is showing in this scene and I LOVE it.
Drat!! There and their always get me. I shall have to go back and change that.
Juicy juicy indeed!!! More Lily/Snape to come next chapter.
Thanks again for the awesome review :) Report Review
Hey, there! Thank you so much for requesting. Very happy to help a fellow Ravenclaw!
Love this: "His head was beginning to ache and he really wanted a lemon drop." The simple detail of the lemon drop is humorous and already helps to keep Dumbledore in character the way we love him! It's also neat because the reader doesn't really expect it to play such a prominent role in the chapter at the time, but it still catches their attention. I'm not sure necessarily that he would find his job so boring, as he always seemed to me to love his work as headmaster. However, it's not a major detail.
"Honeydukes hadn't yet accepted his plea to stock his favorite muggle sweet." Just another great example of details that you can insert into fics to make them so much more vivid! It works so well here because you get a sense of the past, of things happening before the fic, which makes it feel more real and believable. I'm torn on whether I can picture Albus swearing or not. Part of me says that he was very progressive, so it's totally possible, but another part of me sees him as the sweet headmaster who says things like "Nitwit. Blubber. Oddment. Tweak." I guess his swear is one of the more innocent ones though, so it works.
For the paragraph that begins "with his head focused," you have three separate sentences. Grammatically, you should probably change the period between the first two sentences to a comma and make that one sentence. Otherwise, the first sentence is merely a fragment. (You could also rewrite the first sentence so that it is not a fragment, but I think it sounds nice as one sentence.)
Another minor grammar point would be where you say "Hogsmede had been, and will always be." Because of the tenses used in the fic, it should probably read "and would always be."
I find the story of his first lemon drop really intriguing. It was a great idea to include it, and it makes for a unique and original opening chapter. It's especially interesting that he did it all in hopes of impressing a boy. That's another great example of a subtle way you found to keep him in character. It's also an interesting idea to think of Albus ever feeling the need to impress anyone, since the Albus we know is respected and admired by all.
Sorry if pointing out minor grammar details is annoying, but since you asked for constructive criticism, I thought I'd include them. When you say "had instantly fell in love," it should probably be "had instantly fallen in love." (If you take out the word "instantly," you'll see that the verb is "had fallen," not "had fell.")
In the paragraph that begins "Smiling at the memory," you accidentally typed "wandering" rather than "wondering." Minor typo, but since both words are very important in this story, you might want to edit it to avoid confusion.
The inclusion of his brother in the story adds another dimension, and we again get to see a different side of Albus that was only hinted at in DH. It's an interesting addition to the plot!
I really love this sentence: "He had recognized that head of hair, and he knew exactly what business it had up at the castle." The fact that he refers to the head of hair having business in the castle rather than saying Lily outright makes it a much more interesting read!
Probably my favorite line from the whole story is this one: "he watched as the sun said goodnight to him." If you keep throwing in gems like this, people will surely love your stories. It's an extremely beautiful way of describing the sunset.
The final paragraph is the perfect way to end the chapter because the reader can't help but NEED to know what the mystery is and why even a strong wizard like Dumbledore is avoiding the topic. It's an excellent way to hook your readers into pursuing the story further.
I, for one, am hooked and want to see what happens next, so I'm on to chapter two!
PS: I write my reviews as I read, so the paragraphs above should (for the most part) correspond with yours as well. Hope that helps!Author's Response: Thanks for the long review!!!
Hehe well Dumbledore has a fondness for sweets which I interpret as his inner child revealing itself. And children (along with most adults) don't like paperwork. That's what he had been doing all day so he really needed a pick me up.
Hehe with the swearing I wanted to show that Dumbledore had had a long day and he was tired and really just wanted his sweets!!! Hehehe
Thanks for pointing out some grammar!!! I will go back and revise accordingly :)
I thought the childhood story was the perfect way to show that Albus was young once too. It will come into play ;)
Hehehe I'm glad that you like the line about Lily :P And I too like the line about the sunset :) It gives Albus this childhood innocence that I really like.
Hehehe I always try to end in a cliffie or something like it. Keeps the readers interested.
Thanks again for the lovely review!!
Come on now! What's with that! I want to know what had happened! Talking! More like Prelude to a Conversation! You know what I mean? haha, but nothing negative meant by that! Just that you totally got me with the title - but it works, you know? It is talking. And when you are talking with someone it rarely feels like you are getting anything done. You are talking about regular things. How was school? How've the kids been? Did you get that job? oh? Oh how's work been then? You and your husband/wife getting along? - You know? Questions you couldn't really care less about the answers to - you are just going through the motions, getting the conversation out of the way. And it's not even as though you don't like that person, or you don't care about then, just that you aren't riveted.
But that's far from all talking is - talking can be more. Conversation, I guess we can call it. Talking can turn into a conversation. It can turn into something real, something you'll remember, something you'll think about, something that will change forever, even if you talk to them about it, how that person looks at you. Note it's not always a bad change, or a good one, or even either of the two, but that is not to say that it doesn't change the way this person views you.
That's what the next chapter will be. Dumbledore's opinion in this chapter of Lily is left fairly intact. It isn't going anywhere. But how it changes so easily. The things Severus and Lily said before the wedding. Things they talked about - that has the potential to change things. The potential to move them.
And we'll just have to wait to find out what those things are, won't we? As the next chapter's being anxiously waited on by I'm sure than just me! C'mon now! hehe, but I understand how things can be, busy, don't have the most time in the world to do the things we'd like. So I can wait. :P
And what else?! What else, well, I can tell you what else. Dumbledore is Dumbledore again - he's a person, and we see into his mind. He is hungry, a bit of a coward - as he admitted to being several times to Harry in OP and HBP - he's grounded, and understands that the task will lay ahead, he just may not enjoy whatever comes toward him, the things that he must see and deal with. But he can deal! You know? He can get the job done! Well, at least he'll try. Whatever happens happens... and Dumbledore will try to help the sway of things, but even he can't change fate, and we learn that.
So what does that last sentence have to do with anything? Whatever Lily's talking about is big. It'll affect not only her life but that of James and perhaps Harry. At least that'st he sense I get - and I definitely understand where you're coming from about me jumping the gun. My bad haha
A few, erm, grammar updates! You used the wrong 'there' in a sentence of Dumbledore's speech I mean. "They just need to know there is someone there to have THERE back" - you mean their?
hehe, and, to end on a bad note, I'm sorry, but I loved it! Well, love's always a strong word, but I think it works. Got me all thinking what it could be that's going on and where who is what when and why?! You know? :P
Great job PP! Be proud! Stand tall, and yes, thank your beta, but you did write it, so again, raise them arms high and cheer, hehe. I'll have my gold star now please?
JDAuthor's Response: You get a MAJOR gold star for leaving this amazing review!
I can't believe I used the wrong 'there'!!! *fails*
Dumbledore's opinion of Lily won't necessarily change in the next chapter, he will just know both sides of the story (remember that he has already spoken to Snape). So the pieces will come together. And that's all I'm going to say about that.
Again, I really tried to capture Dumbledore as we know him from the books. It's a bit easier for me to write him than to write any other character...mostly because I understand him and I appreciate him and positively adore him.
The next chapter will hopefully have more action (and conversation).
PP Report Review
Hola PP! Sorry about the longish wait to this, I really wanted to get to it sooner :/ but. things kind of came up, and they shouldn't really have stopped me from reading this. so again, sorry! ♥?
Hehe - but! We've gotta take a look at this story, don't we? Mhm! Mhm, mhm, mhm, very important to look this over. Few grammatical questions to begin with, just because it's always covering up the fun stuff and I want it out of the wayyy!
Lollypop? Is that a Britishism? Lollipop? It has to be a Brittishism... what weirdos. and then there's the 'muggle' 'apparated' and all that noise. Like Gryffindor, I was always taught those words should be capitalized. Is there a particular reason you didn't want to capitalize them? Or... am I being a dork right now? hehe - whatever! S'all I'm worried about grammar and spelling wise. Beta's to the rescue! Not saying it was all her, but you gave her credit so I figured I at least should do that much, know I'm sayin'?
And content? Well, we've got to look at characterization of course! Like for reals. Big time look at that characterization, as it is a rather large deal, you know? And who've we got to look at here? Why! None other than Albus Dumbledore of course! Come on now, this is serious! PP I thought he was great! Funny, eccentric, a little odd, and serious as well. He was Dumbledore, and there isn't any higher praise I can give you. It was a very unorthodox first chapter, you know? Not bad by any means, but it was stagnant you know? (I know that's generally used in a negative sense, but I can't think of the other words that mean that... so don't think of it in a bad way, kay?)
Dumbledore looks, curses, paces, craves candy, leaves, walks, gets candy *takes hour to do so*, leaves, catches Lily walking and sees McGonagall's Patronus with a message - then dreads. *END*
hehe, well, when it's worded like that it kind of seems negative doesn't it? But it isn't! Don't worry about that! I said it was an unorthodox chapter and I mean it - it was a prologue of sorts, setting the mood in a different light - in both senses of the word :P A strange topic to think about, you know? Because this is a serious story, the hints at the end seem to strike it where Dumbledore's about to tell Lily about the phrophecy... or that he thinks they should go into hiding, I'm not 100% on it, but that's the gist that i got - and you've got him pining for candy and thinking about the past. It's a good dichotomy, I think, very good. The lines drawn between death and candy are far and few between, hehe, and it kind of seems like you've done that here, you know?
This is also a different writing style than I've seen before. And for a first fanfic, I can see the ... bit of naiveté to your writing that's very subtle, but a lot better than most just starting out. Not saying you're just starting out! And not to belittle this work or anything like that! But I mean it's innocent? ... Not corrupted?! It's NOT a bad thing! I swear!
And on the note of your writing it's very nice. Clear cut, very straight forward and easy to follow. So I ask the question: what's not to like about this? Nothing! And it seems like it'll be on an obscure topic rarely covered in fanfic! So definitely + marks for that. + marks for writing behind Dumbledore. + marks for the straight forward nature of this fic! It was grand!
So be proud PP! And smile! Right? hehe
Great chapter, and I was more than happy to read this! I'm glad you recommended it. I like good reads, you know?
JDAuthor's Response: Wow okay so first off thanks for even taking the time to read this. It means a lot to me.
Yeah Lollypop is s Britishism thing that I decided to put in there...not that it matters much either way, it's just a sweet treat. As for capitalizing muggle and apparated, I didn't know that they HAD to be capitalized and neither did my beta (she brought that up too) so I just left it as is.
Yeah others have commented on my great characterization of Dumbledore. I am soo proud of him. I worked really hard to get him to seem like the actual dumbly in the books.
Yeah I didn't want to come out and say it was a prologue...but I don't think of it as a chapter either. It just has to be there in order for the story to continue.
I won't comment on where you think the story is going (I don't want to give away the plot now do I). But you are a little ahead of yourself (hint hint: think time line). This moment isn't exactly in canon, but I think it SHOULD be.
Thanks for liking my writing (I think that's what you meant). But I seriously am considering doing some editing of this after school gets out. I'm thinking of combining the first two chapters into one. What do you think??
Love, PP Report Review
OK, so this chapter is pretty short (I had it suggested to me that chapters should generally be around the 3000 mark, and while I am in no way trying to force this on you, it can help to ensure that there's sufficient plot and descriptive prose in a chapter). However, I really enjoyed what there was of it. Some good plot twists, and explanation of canon, which is always fun.
Also, both the characters seem completely in-character, which is impressive given how little we know of Lily, and how indecipherable Dumbledore can be!
However, there are a number of spelling (aka typing) errors, which began to detract from the story - ore, Clam yourself, it's normal, the, there, bale. Clam yourself was actually hilarious, but I feel you might have meant Calm yourself (no offence meant, I just liked the image!)
Anyways, thanks for requesting reviews for this - it's exactly my kind of story (con-crit is proof that I like a story enough to care about minor issues) - and I hope you'll re-request when there's more!Author's Response: I always try my hardest to keep the characters in canon. JKR created such marvelous characters and I only wish to use them for my purposes.
Yeah I had first though of combining chapters one and two, and I might still do that. But this chapter really is just a transition chapter to get the characters in place for the next chapter (which is where most of the action happens).
Thanks so much for reviewing!!! Report Review
So, I'm intrigued! This has a great feel to it - we get to see into Dumbledore's head, and even think of him as Albus (which I never normally do!) - a normal guy rather than an omniscient headmaster.
I also like the flow and tempo of the story - the odd memory helps to give us a fuller picture of who Albus is without all that tedious descriptive prose, which so often bog down a first chapter.
There were a couple of spelling issues: feel in love - fell, and McGonagals - McGonagall's.
Really, as a first fan fic this is a brilliant start - off to see how it continues!Author's Response: YAY!!!
This review has me all happy like!! Yeah I always spell McGonagalls name wrong if I'm not paying attention.
I thought that the memory was necessary because the chapter was VERY short to begin with. I later went back in and added some things and hopefully that made it better.
Thanks so much!!! Report Review
OMG THIS IS ABSOLUTELY THE WORST STORY I HAVE EVER READ!
Just kidding. Are you serious? You want me to be nice on you? I won't be nice to you; I'll tell you the truth!
This is brilliant.
Like, for the first time in history, I read a Dumbledore that I actually like. You have no idea what a relief it is for me to say this. I never thought I'd see the day...
To start off, you began with showing Albus Dumbledore's love for muggle candy, a Philosopher's Stone concept that many people have seemed to forget. You began it off humourous and cheery (I laughed at his plea to have a lemon drop). After the beginning, I could not stop smiling to myself. This story is absolutely adorable (in a good way).
Urgh. Here's why. I get so tired of people portraying Dumbledore as someone who's angsty and cuts his wrists. That's not who Dumbledore is at all. It's all lies! You make the point very clear while still giving him that uneasiness. There's a thick guilt behind his bright attitude. Great job!
But of course, at the end, you had to leave a cliffie :(. Oh dear. What will Dumbledore say to Lily Potter (she's a Potter now! Gasp!)? I hope it isn't bad news, but alas, deep down I know it is. I guess I'll have to find out.
For your first story, this is pretty darn good. I'll give you an A+ The grammar wasn't too bad, just a typo here and there.
*offers warm cookie*Author's Response: hehe I too like my portrayal of Dumbly simply because he isn't this manically sad depressing character, and he makes me smile!!
I don't think this is my best piece of work, but I am glad that you enjoyed it!!
Thanks so much for the loverly review!!! Report Review
Good job! I love the thought of Dumbledore being scared of Lily. We always see him as this rallying point and strong leader that we forget that he has very human feelings, being scared of which is one. I also loved the characterisation of Dumbledore that we get here as well, the idea that he went to Muggle London for a bet and that he clearly ostracized his brother.
"pondered a pondering thought" Although I don’t think the repetition was particularly necessary here as it took away from the flow of the chapter up until that point, it did seem such a Dumbledore thing to say. It also did elicit a giggle from me (rolling on the floor in laughter) as it reminded me of the BBC programme Blackadder.
"With his head was focused solely on sweets. He decided..." – Just really a bit of grammar issue here but nothing major that takes away from the meaning or anything like that. It should be a comma rather than a full stop and either "whilst his head was…" or "with his head focused…"
There were a couple of typos that I noticed like 'very' instead of 'every' but they were pretty few and far between. One thing is that Muggle wasn’t capitalized and as it is a proper noun it should be so just be careful of that, but that’s me just being really picky about it.
There was some nice description in there and Dumbledore really had a childlike quality to him over the sweets. Imagine having as much of a sweet tooth as Dumbledore *shudder*. Overall, a nice opening chapter and I can’t wait to see why Lily has come to see Dumbledore :)
KeroAuthor's Response: Oh crap...and me being a beta and all I should have caught those mistakes...darn.
Thanks for such a great review!!! More to come with Dumbly and Lily in the next chapter!! Report Review
I'm here to leave you a review :-)
When Dumbledore said "bullocks" I laughed so hard, it gave me a perfect mental picture.
I really like your writing style, it's interesting and engaging. It isn't long and dragging, nor is it choppy. It leaves me wanting more, so you better update soon!!
I think you should put up more stories, I would definitely read them!
The CanadianAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for the loverly review!!!
I too loved Dumbledore's little outburst! It reminds me of what I would say if I were out of my favorite treat just when I need a little boost!
I'm flattered that you like my writing style *blushes* you just made my day :) Report Review
Oh PP, I like it! I think it's a great beginning just enough to make me want more, and I would love to see an update because you've made me very curious.
I love how you have Dumbledore's character, it seems just him to have a nice strool down to Hogsmeade in search of sweets- shame he didn't have any lemon drops... or a swimming pool of jello!
I have to say I'm very glad that you've started to put your stories out because if they're anything like this one then you should be a brilliant author. It's also a lot better at my first attempt at fanfiction, and if you have any doubts about your writing now it'll only get better the more confidence you gain as you place more chapters and works out.
I really would love to see that next chapter!
xxxAuthor's Response: Yay!!! My first ever review!!!
I have to say that I really liked this chapter, but the second chapter is a lot harder to write because right now it's just a lot of talking.
Hopefully it will pull itself together soon so that you can read it and comment!!! Report Review
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