Hi there! I must say, this is quite impressive considering you wrote it in two hours. Which was the point of my challenge, obviously, so as my first taker you've really done well. I wanted to challenge people to write something good quickly, and you've done that utterly and completely.
You really have a knack for description; I've noticed that in a few of the things you've written. You take everyday things and make them pop out of the page gorgeously. It works really well for stories such as this one, which would have been useless without it. Your description really helped get across Ted's message about never quite being able to leave Victoire, and I heard it loud and clear. It was well written and captivating. The last line was perfect; summed it all up in the same style as the rest of the story was written in.
Description is obviously your calling, but as someone who uses it far too much myself, don't shy away from dialogue. You used it well for the most part, and had a comfortable balance, but when Victoire said "Let's dance" I couldn't tell who said it and it could have been either Vic being herself or Ted under the influence of alcohol.
Really, really nice job here, this is exacty the kind of thing my challenge encourages.
~lllbAuthor's Response: Gah, dialog will be the death of me, I swear. :) Thanks for pointing that out, though. I'll be sure to go take a look at it and maybe change it around or something.
Thank you so much for your feedback! I really appreciate the time you took. It was so hard to write, because I knew I had a limited amount of time and I couldn't go back and edit it over and over and over again (which I tend to do all the time). It was definitely a challenge, so thanks for that.
Again, thank you for the review! Report Review
Rin. This. Was. Amazing.
This must be the fourth story of yours that I've read, and each time I wonder why I don't read more,
Excuse me for a moment.
-flies to read all of Rin's work-.
This was absolutely breathtaking. It is possibly even among the best I have read. How you managed to write this in under 24 hours is completely beyond me. I mean, everything was perfect.
Victoire was deliciously evil. I've had a run of reading evil characters, but she really took it to a whole new level. She was just so vindictive, and insane, pretty much.
Teddy was also amazing. You got the pathetic, weak character down. I loved it.
'And then, I melt right into the floor as she walks away, sitting in a liquidized puddle until somebody comes along to sculpt me back again into what is a pathetic excuse for a man.'
This line was absolutely FANTASTIC. I can just tell it will stick in my mind forever. It just describes Teddy exactly, and it is such a beautiful, heartbreaking line.
The description was Uh-Mazing. Throughout, you described each scene to perfection. You struck just the right balance between plot and description, and every word was perfect.
I loved this. I can't stop squeeing this. I just want to eat it, or something.
It might just be true love ;).
Can I steal your talent? No?
Okay then.Author's Response: Oh. My. God. BECCA, you are a SAINT. A lovely, beautiful saint who waltzes around in a flowing dress and spreads absolute JOY. Gah. I love you. And your reviews (but mostly you ;)).
I'm really, really glad you enjoyed it. I'm... so at a loss for words! I don't know how to respond! Gah. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you thank you. I love you. Love you love you love you love you.
Excuse me while I whip the drool off my keyboard. Report Review
MY JEALOUSY IS ACTUALLY WRITTEN ALL OVER MY FACE - I RESEMBLE THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST NOW.
My God, I hated Victoire. What a complete...cow [must. stay. 12+].
In all honesty, I was completely transfixed by it as I am by all of your writing. I think it started slowly but those last few paragraphs were stunning. They grabbed me straight away and that is possibly the best closing line I've read in a long time. What truly amazing imagery. Fantastic.
Oh, the poor darling. He doesn't deserve it. Well...no, he doesn't. You wrote him wonderfully. His inability to resist her was brilliant.
Present tense usually automatically makes a story a little more...intriguing and I always find it captures me and involves me a lot more. Wonderfully used here.
One small bit of criticism would be that two or three of your first few sentences are actually in 2nd person - you might want to go back and change that to prevent confusion.
Superb, Rin. Really.
xxAuthor's Response: Ah, yes, 2nd person will be the death of me, I swear. :) I'll go back and find that, then.
AHH!!! YOU ARE SUCH A LOVELY REVIEW FAIRY, I JUST WANT TO EAT YOU! Well, in the loving way, of course. Report Review
Oo-er that was v. detailed I really liked it!Author's Response: Thanks! I really appreciate the review. Report Review
That's really all I can say.
This is a beautiful one-shot, and it's hard to believe you wrote it in two hours. Your description is beautiful. And I like the fact that it's in present tense (because I enjoy present tense far more then I should), even if I did just notice it now. (:
I like the idea of a 'devil' Victoire, it's not common, and it kind of makes sense, with Fleur as her mom.
Great job on this.
-JasmineAuthor's Response: Thank you so much. I'd never written Vic from this particular angle before, so I'm glad you enjoyed it. :) Report Review
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