Ah! I love this! Scorpius is so selfless, yet he's also insecure and he doesn't really like himself much. I think it's sweet how he sees Rose. This is such a heart-wrenching fic. It's beautifully written and I love how you leave the ending like that...it's powerful. Well done. Again, I love it :DAuthor's Response: Thank ou so much! I decided to make Scorpius for this story very loving, which isn't always done. I wanted to create the kind of person that would put the people he loves above himself, and always try to act in their interest. He just fails and ends up breaking Rose's poor heart.
I'm glad you liked the ending, it means a lot to hear that!
Thanks so much for the review :) Report Review
Happy Gryffindor Monday!!
Hmm I though this sounded a bit awkward: “Rose, bless her heart, refuses to accept her families views on we Malfoys” Next to that I really loved this little piece the fact he doesn’t feel good enough for Rose. The fact he did something so selfless. But hasn’t he heard of long-distance relationships before. You portrayed him to be softer then most would and that he isn’t brilliant and that he hasn’t got the perfect life which most would. A really touching story. Well done!
Cleopatra ( Slytherin)Author's Response: Thanks for poiting this out! I wrote this a while back and sadly it's got quite a few spelling and grammatical errors that I really must go back and fix! I'll be sure to adjust that awkward wording :)
I'm glad you enjoyed it! And haha, he has heard of them, but he didn't want her to feel held back by him. Classic case of "she's to good for me" coming from Scorp.
Thanks for the review,
-ronsgirl29 Report Review
Hmmm, so I have a lot of things to point out to edit before I praise this piece ;)
First, "I can't imagine anyone willingly taking the Malfory name." Of course, it's obvious, Malfoy ;)
"I have a job at the ministry fiing papers for the law enforcement department, but it's not going anywhere." fiing should be filing, right?
"I'm extremly messy. I haven't seen the floor of my bedroom in months." Extremly should be extremely.
"Basically, I'm incapable of love, with her being the only exception." That sounds ackward. Perhaps it should be reworded to:
"Basically, I'm incapable of love; Rose was/is the only exception." I'm not sure if you want that sentence to be present or past tense, so that's why I put them both ;)
Wait, I lied. Just one more thing to cover before I praise :P Try to include more of Rose's feelings. Scorpius is realistic, but not Rose's emotions. She almost doesn't have any in this piece. If Scorpius really told her to leave, temper or not, she'd be begging him to not say that. That's how people in love are. Now if you really want to be a tear-jerker and pull those people in, make it heart-breaking. Absolutely devasting. You're 9 of 10 of the way there. Make Scorpius recognize her hurt. Play it to your advantage.
Okay, praise time. This piece almost made me cry. The tears were about to spill over, and that's pretty rare for me. I can get emotional, but usually not tearful. I sincerely think that if you add a bit to the end, you'll give such an impact to your readers that it'll haunt them.
I love the name of this fic. It's poetic in a way. I also adore this fic, and when/if you decide to change it (I know, changing is a pain), I'd love to read it. I would also think a sequel would be delightful. I love stories that pull heartstrings, and this is definitely a piece I'm adding to my expansive favourites list.
Great job, it was a sincere pleasure to read :D 10/10Author's Response: Oh gosh, Christine, thanks so much! I really owe you for pointing out those mistakes. As hard as I try, I'm awful at proof reading my own stuff. I always miss really obvious stuff. Truly, thank you for taking the time to point them out to me. I really need to work on getting my stories beta'd haha :)
I see what you mean about Rose's emotions. When I wrote this, I was really focusing on Scorpius and how he would react, but I see how I may have neglected Rose a bit. I'll have to go back and see if I can beef up her emotions.
And aww, you're too kind! It's always an honor to hear you could make someone cry! (haha, that sounds wrong, but you know what I mean)
I'll definitely make some changes, thanks for helping me make this a better story! And as far as a sequel, I haven't quite decided, but if it happens I'll let you know :)
-ronsgirl29 Report Review
Oh Scorpius, why must you be so tragically tragic? This piece really played on my emotions so I felt confused as I knew I wanted Scorpius not to break her heart, but it was so sweet that he loved her to the point where he would give up the one thing he loved so she would be happy! I felt confused and like I was thrown right into Scorpius' emotions and it was all so simple yet so beautifully painful. All in all, I loved how it kept chaining where the story was taking place and the various scenes all flowed together flawlessly so that by the end, it was all one piece, yet made of so many times in their lives that it felt like every emotion in Scorpius' mind must have been expressed and I could feel every one of them. Wonderful, wonderful story, and have a great day,
-AnnieAuthor's Response: Aw, this review pretty much made my day! I tried really hard with the emotions, and did my best to capture how he would feel. I'm not a guy, so I'm no expert on how they would handle this, but I just went with my gut and thought about what I would do if someone I loved was better off without me, and I went from there!
So glad you liked it, thanks for reviewing
-ronsgirl29 Report Review
I actually think it's really good. I don't know how to explain it. I'm really glad to see that Scorpius actually did something selfless. There's been similar things happening in my life too, in the way that it's the same, but totally not. lol. I guess my only question is that why couldn't he go with her? His dad's at the point of disinheriting him anyway, and his job isn't going anywhere. If I were in his shoes, I'd just leave. Anyway, I thought you wrote it really well, and got into his head very accurately to me. Guys, well, good guys... never seem to want to hold their women back if they think it's for the best. The thing is, I never understand why being with them at the same time as doing something I wanted would be "being held back"
Oh, well, guys are a mystery sometimes.
Great job!Author's Response: I'm glad to hear you like it! That's too bad that a similar thing is happening in your life, I hope it works out happier than it did for our poor Scorpius. And I guess the reason he didn't go was percisely what you said, he didn't want to hold her back. Personally, I agree 100% with you that guys always do that self-sacraficing thing where they think it's 'for the best' for them to leave, which I'll never understand, because it hardly ever is. But Scorpius, with all his human imperfections, really thought it would be better for her to move on without him. He thought she deserved better than him. As sad as that is, and probably as wrong as it is, he did it because he loved her. You can't blame a guy for trying to do right by the girl he loves! (even if he is being stupid haha)
thanks for the review!
-ronsgirl29 Report Review
Oh, how sad! Poor Rose, and poor Scorpius! There he is trying to be self-less, hurting both of them in the process. Are they going to get back together, or move on? I'd love to see what happens next, but I guess that's left to imagination ... Good idea to show the actual break-up in a flashback, as he looks back at what he's done.
Two little things I saw, but otherwise it's fine:
Rose, bless her heart, refuses to accept her families views on we Malfoys - shouldn't it be 'us Malfoys'?
... Her head resting gently on my chest. - either the sentence needs an 'is', or you could tag it on the previous one.
All in all, well done! xxx LeoAuthor's Response: Haha, it is pretty sad! But sometimes that's just how life is :/ I've actually been thinking about writing a sequel, because these characters obviously have a lot to work out, but with my other stories going, it probably will be awhile before I had the time. I'll definitely shoot you a pm if I ever do, because at this point I don't know if they are going to get together someday or move on either! haha
And thanks for pointing those mistakes out, I have issues with proof-reading (:
thanks again for the review,
-ronsgirl29 Report Review
First of all, I've got to say that that summary = epic win. Also- it was a very beautifully written story. I think that the flashback in the middle of the story rather than the very beginning helped make the reader wonder about what was going to happen, and also I think that it was a good idea to write it out of Scorpius's point of view rather than Rose's.
However, I do think that the sentences right before the flashback could use a little bit of help. Instead of each sentence having only one line, maybe you can make a mini-paragraph. It just seems that one line should be saved for particularly special phrases when you want to emphasize a point. Other than that little thing, I thought that it was great!
-ronhermione4evrAuthor's Response: Haha, thanks so much! I always stuggle with summaries, so it's a relief that you like it! And thanks again for the kind praises, it always makes me smile to hear someone enjoyed my writing!
I'll be sure to look into the sentences, I see what you mean about how the one line thing should be used in special cases for emphasis; thanks for that tip!
-ronsigirl29 Report Review
You'e right, that was quite sad. But, it was written really really well and thoroughly (as much as a 'short' can be).
It's a no-win for both, poor babies.Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you thought I was able to write a good and thorough oneshot. Happy to hear you like it!
-ronsgirl29 Report Review
Wow, so heartbreaking. The whole time I'm thinking, no.. she'll make it a happy ending. She'll come back. You'll see. But alas..
Well done and well written. I like the way you write Scorpius' point of view, what he's doing and experiencing. You definitely feel like you could be him.Author's Response: I'm sorry it didn't get happy, haha it broke my heart too, but the characters had a mind of their own in a way. I had to have it end sad, or else the happy ending would have seemed forced I feel.
Thanks so much, this review made me smile! Hearing I can do Scorpius' pov justice is a great thing (:
-ronsgirl29 Report Review
First off, I want to congratulate you on writting a believable and enjoyable Scorpius and Rose story. This is closer to what canon would be like (in my mind) considering the story of those two families. So kudos to you for writting something different and - although heartbreaking - very enjoyable piece.
The characterization and backstory of both Rose and Scorpius was very well done. It was an evolution to the Weasley and Malfoy relationship their parents had but you could still sense the tensions and beleifs the two families still hold against each other. I love that you didn't write it in a 'everything is perfect and the past is all forgotten' way, makes it more beleivable and gives a real purpose to your story, explaining the reasons behind Scorpius' action.
I noticed a couple things I wish to point out to you so you can improve the flow of your story. It is already pretty good but some little mistakes and errors do take away the reader's attention at times.
''I extremly messy''; I think you forgot the verb in here
"But in times like this, I wish she would"; should be 'in times like 'theses''
"I've inherited the Malfoy's innability to get close to another person"; 'innability' should actually be spelled 'inability'
''Just say the word.'' she pleads''; this is an example of dialogue that should be corrected, there is a point at the end of the dialogue and yet you continue with a minuscule letter; you should either capitalize 'she' or put a coma instead of the point (this is a recurrent mistake you made throughout the story).
Overall, it was a great and sad story I enjoyed reading. Greatly original and a step closer to what the reality of these two characters might really be. Excellent work!
AkussaAuthor's Response: Ah, thank you for pointing out my mistakes! When reading my own story I always miss some really obvious stuff. And for the dialogue, haha I'm rather worried for myself because I don't remember why I did that so oddly. But I think I've corrected it all (:
I'm glad to hear that the characters seemed realistic, I tried really hard to keep them from being unbelievable.
Thanks again for the extremely helpful review
ronsgirl29 Report Review
'who would willingly join such a horrible, awful family?' I think this line sits awkwardly with the lines around it. Your adjectives seem a bit dull compared to the rest of your writing!
'I extremly messy.' I am?
It might just be me but the sections that have been bolded would seem better if they hadn't been. You've written them well, but drawing attention to them like that ruins them a little.
This really is very sad, but on the plus side for you it was also very real and believable. I think you've done a good job! :)Author's Response: Thank you so so much for pointing out my errors! I'm not the best at grammar, and there's some dumb mistakes in there I can't believe I missed! Haha like having I instead of I'm... How embarrassing!
Thanks for the kind review, i'm glad you thought it was believable (: Report Review
Wow. I was actually nearly crying -- simple but with lots of detail, a great plot, and definitely realistic -- although I want a sequel!! I need to know what happens next!! Lots of various, great writing styles; a list, a flashback, and an account (the general story when Scorp's telling us what happened.) There were only a couple of spelling mistakes that I saw; the first line - life IS full of games, not if full of games, and "I know Rosie, she loves her family so much that their dissapointment would destroy her." Disappointment has only one S but two P's. But yes, this is very impressive for a whim! I have lots of ideas buzzing around my head - like a load of wrackspurts :) - but I just never get around to writing them... I'm seriously impressed with this, 9.5/10 :) ~NeverGotHerLetter x x x x x
P.S. You're my one hundred and first review! Just thought I'd let you know :D x xAuthor's Response: Aw, thank you so much! It's always a complement to hear that my writing to bring out emotions in people (:
I'm thinking about a sequel someday, but for now it's left how it is. But in my mind they eventually get their happy ending! and OMG typos. Wow, thanks a million for pointing those out. I can't believe I missed stuff like that. I really got to go back through this one of these days.
Thanks again for this lovely review, it made me smile.
and thats so cool! 101 :D Report Review
i really wished something would happen so they could have a happy ending, like draco growing a heart, and giving scorpius all his money, or draco dying, so scorpius inherits his money, and rose thinking back, and realising scorpius did it for her...but it was realistic, and...yeah. great story :)Author's Response: haha that would be nice, wouldnt it! I wish they could have had a happy ending too, but it just didn't fit with the story. I'm really glad you liked it :D Your review means a lot!
-rongirl29 Report Review
Hi there! First off, can I just say that I think your banner is beautiful and your summary is even more beautiful? I really adore simple but vague summaries, because they do an excellent job of hooking me into a story, and yours was no exception. Rose and Scorpius is somewhat of a guilty pleasure of mine, so I was definitely intrigued, and now I'm glad I clicked the link to this story.
I also really loved your beginning to this. Short and simple sentences do an excellent job of grabbing my attention as well, and I liked how you formatted the beginning that way because it made it more appealing and welcoming in my eyes. Most of the time I have a hard time knowing what to give away or what to not give away in the beginning of a story, but I think you've achieved a perfect balance here. The second I read that last bit of the beginning - "I let Rose walk away" - I knew I couldn't leave this page till I had read the rest of the story. The only issue I had with the beginning was that the asterisks between that first bit and the rest of the story didn't really seem necessary, especially since the first sentence after the asterisks seems to be explaining the whole letting Rose walk away bit. It could flow just as smoothly without the asterisks.
Aside from that, I did notice a few minor little mistakes. The story really doesn't suffer from their existence, but I figure I'll point them out to you anyway just in case you feel like changing them:
- some of your sentences turn into run-ons. In something like, "I know Rosie, she loves her family so much that their dissapointment would destroy her", you could easily separate that into two sentences ("I know Rosie. She loves her family so much that their dissapointment would destroy her"), or, if you feel like spicing things up a bit, separate it by a semicolon ("I know Rosie; she loves her family so much that their dissapointment would destroy her"). How you have it right now is "independent sentence, independent sentence", which isn't really a grammatically correct sentence structure. Of course, you could have it that way for purely stylistic reasons and, if so, just forget I said anything?
- in the sentence, "Rose, bless her heart, refuses to accept her families views on we Malfoys", the "families" should actually be "family's", as it's a noun that possessing the views bit. I'm also not entirely sure if it should be "we Malfoys" or " us Malfoys", so you might want to check into that? If it is, please feel free to ignore me (I feel like I'm saying that a lot hahaha).
- in the sentence, "But in times like this, I wish she would", the first bit should either be, "But in times like these", or "But in a time like this". These is for plural and this is for singular.
- when Scorpius is listing the ways his life sucks, I think you made a typo with, "I extremly messy". Did you mean, "I'm extremely messy"?
- in the sentence, "I've inherited the Malfoy's innability to get close to another person", "innability" should actually be spelled "inability".
- in the italicized bit, it says, "Her head resting gently on my chest", which isn't exactly a complete sentence. To make it grammatically correct, you could either attach it to the end of the previous sentence, or turn it into a complete sentence ("Her head rested gently on my chest.")
Most of the errors or typos are of that variety. A quick read-through would probably help you get rid of them, or, if you're interested, you should look for a beta. A second set of eyes is always extremely helpful because, somehow, they manage to catch those things that you somehow miss (and by you, I mean me, because that happens to me all the time haha).
That being said, I really liked the premise of this story. Rose/Scorpius is a really popular ship in fanfiction, but so often it's converted into a lighthearted romcom-imitation. Most authors ignore the potentially serious side of them, so I'm pleasantly surprised that you decided to openly confront the differences that might separate them. It makes their relationship seem a lot more realistic, and that's something that's hard to do. I also really enjoyed how you gave Scorpius confidence issues so that he doesn't think he deserves someone like Rose because, coming from a family like his, I think it's definitely inevitable.
The one thing I didn't particularly like was that the flashback scene seemed dramatic to the point of being soap-opera-esque, and I also thought it was a bit rushed. The other bits were perfection with their description and everything, but it seems like you could have added more detail to their final interaction and what exactly they were doing and how they were talking and how he was feeling and just everything. It's a pivotal moment in his life, so I'm certain Scorpius would remember everything about it.
Other than that, I really adored this. I liked how you made the ending just as strong as the beginning and how you brought it back to the idea of a game. The last few lines stood out to me as really well-written and memorable, so good job with that. I'm still not entirely sure you need the set of asterisks at the beginning or at the end, but I suppose it's your prerogative, eh?
Anyway, sorry if my review is at all rambling or if any of my criticisms offended you, because this was really good. Definitely interested in seeing what else you've written, now.
P.S. Also, while I was about to post this I just noticed how you made the chapter title, "Game Over", and it made me smile. It's utterly depressing, but pretty clever at the same time. Report Review
AH! Oh my goodness, that was tragic! I honestly wish he had seen that although he was being all stupidly selfless and noble and everything, she would rather have stayed with him! Stupid boys :/ .
I really liked how you started and ended the chapter with the idea of a game, it really pulled it all together (:
xxAuthor's Response: haha, yes, boys are rather stupid. They always think they are 'doing the right thing' even when it's totally not.
Thank you so much for your kind review, I really appreciate it!! Report Review
HEy there(: About time I reviewed something of yours, isn't it?
This was really touching and heartbreaking. I could feel Scorpius's emotions just as he was feeling them. Of course, I also wanted to hit him in the face for being stupid. Long distance relationship, hello! Haha. But anyway, I thought it was just generally and completely adorable the way he felt for Rose. His pure, incomparable love. You could really tell how deep his love for her was; how passionate.
I think you wrote this very well. It was a fantastic read(:
EricaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! Haha, long distance relationships; I guess no one bothered to tell Scorp about those. It's for the best though, I hear they never work (;
Thanks so much for the review, it made me smile!
ronsgirl29 (sylvia) Report Review
Oh NO! That was so sad, I was almost in tears by the end! Poor Scorpius! And poor Rose!
The writing was suberb though. poetic but still realistic. You did a great job.
10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it (: It means a lot! Report Review
Oh my gosh. That is so heartbreaking.
Sequal. Make it happy? :') Maybe?
:))Author's Response: Thanks for the review! And yeah, a few people have asked about a sequel, and I really want to write one. I haven't had anytime because of end of school madness, but in june when I have plenty of free time I'll hopefully get to write one :D
Thanks again! Report Review
Aw, this was a lovely little snippet about a young man with a broken heart and not much to look forward to. Unless ... you decide to give us a nice long sequel (or even a nice short sequel) where, even if it's not fairy-taleish, there's some hope for these lovers who are so meant to be together ... :-) Your Scorpius seems so nice, he deserves a future with the one he loves ..Author's Response: aw thank you so much (: Yeah, I feel bad for Scorpius. He just loves her so much! I'm hoping to do a sequel someday in the future when I have more writing time, and maybe he'll get his girl (:
Thanks so much for the review! Report Review
Oh wow, that was incredibly sad, but incredibly good. Like super good. Please say you're going to write a happy sequel. A sweet something about how she never forgets his love or who he is? If you're not going to then I swear I will. :P Great story! Love it! ~K :D oh and 10/10 of course.Author's Response: Thank you soo much! I really do want to write a sequel, and hopfully I'll have time over the summer holidays, but I don't have time because of all the end of school exams coming up. thanks again, I really appreciate the review :D
-Ronsgirl19 Report Review
oh my god Sylivia! This was so sad! Yet epic!! Really, it was awesome! Did you get the whole, 'i'm not good for you, no your not good for me' thing from the twilight saga? or was it just a coincident that its the same? Well done though, i really enjoyed this! And was there any chance that she came home 18 months later and he had gotten his life together and they picked up where they left off?
I live in hope! -Kirsty xxxAuthor's Response: haha thank you (: I sorta got the "not good for you" thing from twlight i suppose, but the idea its self is a very common theme, so it kind of was from a lot of places! haha i am considering making this into a story someday down the line, so don't give up hope yet!
-Sylvia (: Report Review
Awww... This was sad. I liked the start - I thought it was strong and it definitely caught my attention (though the fact that I'm a Scorose shipper also helps :P).
I'm used to reading Scorpius still possessing that Malfoy arrogance despite him being a different person from Draco so I definitely found him a bit softer here. I'm not saying it's a bad thing because the Next Gen characters are much more flexible in terms of characterization, I'm just saying it's a bit different from what I'm used to reading. I also didn't expect him to be as selfless as you made him out to be so you definitely made me see him in a whole new light. I wanted to smack him on the head for letting Rose go but hey, that's life, right?
I found Rose in character the whole time. I loved how she tried to convince Scorpius to tell her to stay. I was hoping their exchange would be a bit longer and more impassioned as I view both Rose and Scorpius as having somewhat strong personalities, not giving in to the other that easily. However, I liked the coldness with which Rose treated him towards the end because it was exactly what I imagined her reaction to be.
I don't have too much issues with the flow. It was a bit fast, as I previously mentioned, and I bit more development couldn't hurt but it read smoothly for me.
In terms of technicalities, here are some findings -
~ In your summary, perhaps you could change the first sentence to 'Rose gave Scorpius a choice:' or 'Rose gave Scorpius a choice-' instead of using a semi-colon.
~ Besides Rose, I've never really been able to get connect should probably be to get connected?
~ Rose on the other hand, she got her whole life together. A comma or hyphen would do instead of a semi-colon, though admittedly, I'm not too sure about this, either. Tee hee. ^_^
~ ...have to visit all the branches in the UK and the America's. It should be Americas since an apostrophe usually denotes possession. Also, by the Americas do you mean North and South America or just the U.S.? :)
~ I suggest you format the dialogues in the same way as the books - that is, at the end of the dialogue, provided it's not a question, it should have a comma and then the following verb/pronoun need not be capitalized. For example: "I can't," I stuttered or "Why not, Scorpius?" she says shakily. If the statement following the dialogue is an entirely different sentence, then you can end the dialogue with a period and capitalize the start of the next sentence.
Sorry for being too detailed but I hope this helps make your story read even better. They're minor stuff mostly, nothing a bit of editing can't fix. ;)
Overall, this was very bittersweet and I truly felt for Scorpius. Good job on this one. I'm really hoping he's going to be okay. Author's Response: Thanks so much! You're review was very helpful. I wasn't as carefully editing this one as I should have been, so there is a lot of silly mistakes. Thanks for pointing them out! I (I'm not the best with grammar haha)
Yeah, I'm used to reading Scorpius as arrogant as well, but he's so in love with Rose that his softer side is taking over in my little fic (:
I agree about the speed, I think I need to go back and add some more to make things last a little longer. I always have the problem of rushing through scenes >.<
Thanks so much for the helpful review!
-Ronsgirl29 Report Review
i loved it, but it was so sad!!!
really goodAuthor's Response: Thank you so much :D I'm so glad you liked it! haha yeah it was really sad, but not every story has a happy ending, right? And I might possibly take this plot and make a longer story later on, so a happy ending is possible! :D Report Review
Oh my god that was so sad! It was like when Edward lied to Bella. You should me an actual story to this! I would read, and I think lot's would enjoy it. I just read your other story about Rose and Scorpius. Please keep writing that one! It was so good! I enjoyed reading it alot. I really like Tony in that one. Also I love how you made one of the OC's named Madison. My name happens to be Madison as well so it added on to the great plot. I was wondering if you would be ever so kind as to make me a banner? I got a tip that you make good ones. ;) Anyway sad oneshot!Author's Response: Thanks so much :D That makes me smile! I've considered writing this into a short story, but I've got other stuff I'm working on first, so maybe in the future I can come back and do something with this. And you have a super pretty name! I looove the name madison! That's why I used it. I'm glad you enjoyed them both. And I would love to make you a banner! Do you have an account on the forums and you could PM me? (I'm ronsgirl29 on there too) Report Review
sad, but i liked seeing the softer side of at least one malfoyAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review! Yeah, I wanted to potray Scorpius in a nice way, just because his father is evil doesn't mean he has to be. Thanks again (: Report Review
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