Hello! Sorry it took a while for me to get to this follow-up review, but I'm here now!
This chapter was pretty confusing also.. I'm not so sure what happened again.
If I could just make a writing suggestion -
"Charlotte wrapped her old house robe over her nightgown. She passed a towel through her damp hair, dried her hands and placed her ancient silver cross in the jewellery case. Charlotte studied her reflection for a while and ran a hand through her slightly greying hair. She followed this pattern each night, not for the fear of misplacing anything, but she enjoyed the routine of a comfortable lifestyle."
I feel like that so much of that paragraph was unncessary. Not in the sense that it was pointless, just that you wrote more than you had to. It wasn't essential for the reader to konw that she towel dried her hair, and then dried her hands, and then put the cross in the jewelry case. I think it would've better if you simply rephrased it as something along the lines of "Every night, Charlotte went through the same routine. She would towel-dry her hair, carefully put away her cross, and then went through the daunting task of studying her aging face in the mirror. It was a very unnecessary and pointless routine, yet she enjoyed it nevertheless."
I'm not saying it has to be exactly like that, but I hope you get the idea of summarizing the activities AROUND, the point of the paragraph.
Again, I do see potential in this story! I think it's important for you to organize this better and really figure out where you want this story to go before you plot things out. Report Review
I can tell you have/had a really good idea, but I'm not really sure what you've done with it. The story has left my utterly confused.
While your grammar was pretty strong, some of your spelling should be looked over (for example: jewellery & wad--meant to be jewelry & wand).
This line, '"What the hell was that?" called Lupin in a slightly bored voice,' really bothers me. It doesn't make sense for him to be yelling hell in a bored way.
It seems there is a problem with consistency. As I mentioned in the last chapter, the pace is off--it changes randomly and without any flow to it. Also, about the consistency...try and keep the characters clear: you cannot go from calling somebody Remus to calling them Lupin, and then back to calling them Remus. Same thing applies to Charlotte and Reese.
When you throw in Charlotte's father's death, you do just that--you throw it in unexpectedly without any further or before mention and no background.
This line, 'Lorelei accepted a glass of water from her brother and took her medication without the usual objection,' isnt clear. What medication are you talking about? You never mention it before or explain why she's taking it.
This line, 'Charlotte inhaled her intended reply and looked up at her daughter. Dressed in a plain black blouse and comfortable dress pants, Lorelei walked through the kitchen door with her shoes in hand,' should be reversed--Lorelei's entrance should be mentioned first.
Oh, and when you mention the inquiry about the post, you refer to 'he'. We know who he is from the last chapter, but you should try and mention who he is specifically, to clarify any confusion right away.
Finally, the end. What the heck? It left me totally lost and confused.
Sorry if I sounded a little harsh...I just wanted to be honest. I really do like your idea though--it is very original! Report Review
Its Sami from the forums, here for your first requested review! :]
Well, Im a tad bit confused...
While I was a bit confused by Charley and Jonathon at first--and their relationship, as it seemed like they were having an affair--I later came to understand that they are an older married couple, who rarely express affection in public places. I understand the personalities of each character, but Im not quite sure who each person is or what his/her relationship with the other characters are. I think that in your head, you have each character mapped out and know what your intentions are; but, you are having a hard time expressing it in your writing. Youre hinting at a lot, but never really laying it out.
Im very curious to see what you have happening in the next several chapters, as you did do a good job of capturing the readers attention. Your tenses and point of view were consistent, which is always nice. At this point, the plot is only a light sketch in my mind: Im assuming that it will be fully drawn in the next several chapters, though. Though the story isnt completely clear at this point, I feel like your ideas are flowing gracefully. I like your language style and your word choices so far. The fact that you have so many OCs is unusual, and Im rather intrigued to see how you make them work--I hope you do make them work, because if you do, youll have a great original story.
The pace of the story was a spot off though; the beginning unfolded rather slowly, and the ending was rushed and thrown at the reader.
To make the story clearer [which is always easier for the reader, and therefore attracts more readers] you can revise the chapter to add in more detail and be more specific and blunt about the characters, or you can add a prologue that gives background knowledge.
Cant wait to read on--Ill review later!
[P.S. Sorry about no apostrophes: they wont show up!] Report Review
Hello! I'm here with your requested review :)
I definitely think this story has potential, but just like you said, it needs revision. I'm really not sure what happened in this chapter at all. I understand the characters, but besides Jonathan and Charlotte, I don't know their relations with each other.
My point is, I can tell that this chapter is well thought out in your head. But you haven't seemed to convey that to the reader. You're throwing a lot of hints at the reader that I don't understand. I feel like the plot is complex and I want to understand what is going on, but I don't =
I think un-confuseify this, you need to start out with more background for the reader. Maybe some sort of shocking prologue that shows a scene that is being referred to in the chapter? Just a suggestion.
I really feel that once you the readers get more information, they'll understand and enjoy this story so much more. But if a reader is confused, he/she might not even finish reading the chapter, let alone the story. I hope this helps! Report Review
wow! now that was some chapter.. i liked seeing the interaction between jon and charlotte and seeing how they met each other.. i really liked the way this chapter came along.. great job.. i think this is the best yet.. quick question what is remus's age in your story?
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
so i'm a little confused... i know that she had a flashback to what happened to her but did she tell remus about it? because it doesn't say that she did.. i feel really bad for her and the fact that she was raped.. altogether the plot makes sense and has a good flow so far.. great job.
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
with not really reading the first chapter before this since you said that it needed to be fixed its a little confusing.. but i think altogether as a chapter it self its pretty well done..you have your characters developed well also.. i didn't see anything really major that needed to be commented on. great job. ~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
Here to properly review! Firstly, I can in no way compare to your in depth level of reviewing without a highlighter pen and a good few hours, so forgive my efforts =)
Okay, on with the show.
The memories at the very start. First paragraph. Got them? It's kind of unclear. Perhaps as she melts into them, you could switch to italics? It was only as she was jerked out of them that I fully grasped them.
I'm not sure if I missed something, but what's the "Reese?"-ing about? Isn't her name Charlotte? Could you explain this to me, please, for the sake of my small mind? =S
So I gather that Cambridge is the centre of healer's training, then? Having only heard of St. Mungo's, whom everyone everywhere seems to report to, I'm going to guess it's merely a college. I love Cambridge -- everything's so brilliant about being in a reasonably large place with actual culture, coming from where I am. I fully aim to grab a space there, or Oxford.
"In the lack summers..."
"Before either of the said a word..."
"It's more of a who , honestly..."
It's these little spellings/spacings that could be so easily fixed that bother me. Constant vigilance!
I can't quite place the timing. It's annoying me. I'm sure I'll figure it out, but for now, I cogitate =/
Wow. Troubled family? Deep, at least.
This is an interesting, if not slightly confusing, start to the story, and soon I'll put some pieces together and figure it out. Until then... Well, I guess I'll think.
xEAuthor's Response: Right. Lets see if I can make this make sense. When I did the very first draft ages ago, I did not have to worry. It was titled 'Renaissance Lady'.
Thank you for the grammar. Like I said before, those come along with endless revision. They will be fixed promptly.
Reese = it's a shortened nickname of Renaissance Lady. It's a name she acquires while in theatre. Remus uses the name because he doesn't call her 'Mother' and got it from his godfather. There's a reason to that.
Cambridge = Charlotte works at Cambridge University as an arts professor. Jon has a part-time position there in the summers; he works at St. Mungo's as a Healer. He used to study art. Does that make sense?
Thanks for the review.
SP Report Review
You're right, this is pretty confusing. I guess I'll skip to chapter two. But, in the mean time...
""He means your short"" No, he means you're short.
xEAuthor's Response: Yeah. There always sem to be mistakes even though I've been through revision time and time again. Thank you for the review.
SP Report Review
What another information packed chapter! Your writing, as always was amazing! I just love how beautiful word seem to come the way you write.
I did find just one tiny mistake. "That's a joke, right?" Charlotte raised an eyebrow, looking slightly annoyed. "I look like a fat little kid." You put this sentence twice in the chapter.
Besides that everything was wonderful. I can't wait to see what happens!Author's Response: Kate,
Yeah, that extra sentence was there because I redid a whole section and I forgot to read it over a second or third time. I'm glad that you like it.
Back again! And this time my inner critic did notice a couple of things ...
The first one was here: "Charlotte felt his hand tighten around her wrist. Charlotte was pulled back down to earth. " You may have been repeating her name for dramatic impact, but it just felt repetitive. I think this would read better if you replaced the second "Charlotte" with "she".
And the second was here: "Bookshelves held locked historical archives. With any other completely, she would have slipped one of these off the shelf and enjoyed the light atmosphere."
The word "completely" here threw me. Did you mean, "with any other person?" Or perhaps "company?". It's probably just a slip on your part but I think an edit wouldn't go astray.
Finally, this one: "She almost made it away from he grounds." Only a minor typo here, you wrote "he" instead of "the". We've all done it but again, you might want to edit when you get a moment.
Right, enough of that. Again, I thought this was a very good chapter. I liked Remus at the start, with his references to what's going on at Grimmauld Place - even without the dates, that would have placed it very nicely for any HP fan. And I liked the idea that he cooks his way through his problems. While this isn't necessarily supported by canon, it's not excluded by it either and it's the sort of thing I can see him doing. I also liked the reference to Tonks ... I wonder if he knows yet that she likes him, and how much it's reciprocated (in as much as Remus can, seeing how uptight he gets about the whole werewolf thing). But this is just me rambling on. I like that you've given him a family because we never hear about them in the books.
And, another flashback. This one was very interesting. I see that my question of the last reveiw is answered by Charlotte's condition, and I like the way she met Jonathan Lupin at university even though they were both magical. One of those random things that you just assign to fate. He's lovely, I love the way you've written him, and the unusual-ness of a man with long hair in the 1950s is very neatly explained by the fact that he's magical. Kendrick, on the other hand ... the fact that I'm reacting this way is proof of your skills in characterisation. They're all believable and consistent and flawed in their own ways, which makes them real. Well done there :D
In response to your concerns on the form, I didn't find this a difficult read. The subject is sensitive, yes, and it may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I didn't find it difficult or challenging or anything like that. You write really well so that always helps, and you've kept to within canon so that keeps the canon nerds like me happy. Overall I think this has the makings of a really interesting story,so I hope that you feel that the work you've put into it is validated and you keep on with it. Feel free to request again when a spot opens up.
cheers, MelAuthor's Response: Mel,
The grammar pronoun stuff hopes. It just goes to show howe much I need to focus on things again through revision. Thank you for the honesty.
I love Jon. The only reason I'm writing this half the time is to get him on the page. You won't believe how easy he is to write. Yeah, Charlotte doesn't know anything about Tonks. This is part of thefamily thing - they're there for each other, but they don't open up. They're surrounded by lies. People always have small lies. Chacterisation takes forever because people are multidemensional.
Thanks for the review. SP Report Review
Hi! Here with your review!
Now, I know you asked me to review this chapter and the next one,but I read the first two as well to get some context. I find it easier to review that way. So, if I refer to anything that happened before this chapter, that would be why.
I don't think I've reviewed for you before so I'll give you the rundown on how I approach reviewing: I allow my inner critic to dictate the first bit and outline any typos, grammatical errors and the like I may have noticed. Then I talk about your story.
I must say that I didn't notice any obvious errors, so you've done well there. The only comment I have to make is the way you switch between US and UK spellings, though if you're Canadian then that would explain that. I only mention it because I'm often asked to pick up on Americanisms and so my eyes are attuned to it, and it felt a little strange seeing spellings from both countries in there.
Right. Your story. I read the flashback scene a few times and I'm still not sure if it was an actual rape or just an unpleasant experience. I'm leaning towards rape because it would explain the revelation in chapter 2 very nicely, and I'm also aware that on this site you have to be extremely careful how you word these things, but I've been wrong before and could be again. To me, it sounded like he'd drugged her and then, once she woke up again, did the deed, but you worded it so subtly that, like I said, I'm just not sure.
I must say too that I'm very impressed with Remus' reaction to it all. The babbling about his nephew and other disjointed stream-of-consciousness stuff was a very believable reaction of someone to unpleasant news, talking incessantly so they don't have to think about it. It made me smile. I also liked the quick shots of alcohol to get through the shock. As far as characterisation goes,I think you've done Remus very well. He's the only canon character so far so he's the only one I had an idea of before I started reading this, but you've made him the nice, placid, endearing man we all know, but with his own problems and issues and ways of dealing with them. Very human. I like it.
As for your OCs, well again I've got no complaints. With OCs I look for consistency and believability and overall you've done a good job with these ones. They're flawed, yes, but that's what makes them human. After all, no one is perfect.
With flow, well this chapter didn't flow as well as the previous two, primarily I think because of the flashback, but I get that the flashback was necessary. What wasn't clear to me was whether it was just in Charlotte's mind, or whether Remus somehow saw it too - his musings about "who was that man?" made me wonder whether he had been privy to it as well. But overall I don't think that flow is something you need to be worried about, your writing is fluid and fits together nicely and it doesn't feel awkward or choppy. So, don't worry about that.
All in all, a good chapter. Now, off to the next one!
cheers, MelAuthor's Response: Mel,
I'm sorry that I haven't responded. I was out of town for the weekend and I really wanted to think about this review before. Obviously, I like ABC, but I like when people look at it with a critical eye. Like I've told many others, I hope that I do stick to Remus's characterisation because I am showing him in this new 'element' or whatever.
Yeah, actually it's interesting that you liked the flow of the other two chapters because they need to be completely cut and redone. The first one is just dreadful.
The mind thing? Well, I didn't mean that Remus saw any of this. I really hope that this makes sense. Theway I see it in my head is that he listens to all of this and kind of pulls back in a reflection. That probably needs revision. The reason I did an immediate reaction? I wanted the reader to see that connection.
My writing has been through tons of revisions, but you have valid points. Thanks for looking at it with a critical eye. Revisions are none done.
I appreciate the review.
Ah, now things are getting on. Not that I was bored, but I was curious as to where this story was going and how it was going to get there. I have enjoyed this chapter more than the first, as this one has ripped the facade off the character's lives and shown their deeper, darker pasts, the secrets they have kept from one another and from themselves. It makes this story fascinating psychologically, and the depth of realism here is something I haven't seen much of in fanfiction.
This is why, so far, I think this story would work better as original fiction. Yes, there are connections to the Potterverse, but they are very subtle (and skillfully included, I should add - your integration of the magical and muggle worlds is excellent, as I said for the previous chapter). I'm still unsure about your characterization of Remus as he seems more of an original character - one of this OC family rather than the character from the books. However, this could be for two reasons: Remus is being shown apart from the Order and all canon characters, and the books are told from Harry's perspective, while your story is from Charlotte's. It's still something you may want to keep in mind.
Overall, this chapter is much better than the first. I don't know why, but it flowed very nicely - the dialogue being first-rate and the descriptions less heavy-handed. There was one moment when you called the fountain "beautiful" - a faux pas in most writing circles, as it's such a subjective term - but other than that, you did very well at setting the scene without overwhelming the reader.
I've actually become excited to continue this story, as the mystery you've introduced in this chapter is too good to not follow up on.Author's Response: Violet,
Thank you for the review. I'n delighhted to find someone as picky as I when it comes to writing. The first question I want to address is why didn't I write this as original fiction? The truth? I'm a coward full of writing insecurities. This is a difficult subject matter. I hardly ever finish anything I write unless it has a term paper deadline attached to it. Yes, I knew if I was going to attempt fanfiction as practice, I would have to write something different. I hate those stories that are written over and over. I will pass over them on that mere technicality.
Remus? I'm trying to stick to that characterisation, but it is difficult. For me, this is because he and Charlotte are so close in age. I'm trying to keo that in mind. As you say, and I agree with you, he is my favourite character.
The dialogue? Thank you.
I really do hope that you continue reading. Really, I hope that I keep up to your expectations. Realise that it gets a little dark. That's a warning. I'm glad that you stumbled upon this. Thanks for the honesty,
Sleeping Paige Report Review
Reading this was a rather random choice of mine, as I've seen it on the recently added a few times, and the combination of summary and banner - both unusual - caught my interest. And it was worth trying out this story.
The storyline is very unique, and I do like the focus on an original character, particularly one as strongly constructed as yours. I'm curious enough about the plot to continue on, if only to answer all the questions I have as to where these OCs fit into the canon, how you are going to portray Remus (one of my favourite characters), and how you will tie this to the Order and the series. The combination of Muggle and wizard terms and ideas added to my fascination, as most writers tend not to integrate them so smoothly.
The characters are very well-developed, and while I was rather confused and unsure as to their relationships with one another, I had a strong feeling that you knew them all intimately, which made them strikingly real. While I think that you need to explain more clearly Remus's relationship to your OCs, I also don't think that you need to add more exposition. It was the major flaw I noticed in your writing - as polished as it appears - that you did more telling than showing, particularly in your choice of adjectives and adverbs. Not that your descriptions were overdone - some of the lines were quite impressive, painting a clear image of the scene that included all the senses. Rather, there was some odd repetition of things, like the "passionate" kiss - it came up twice, and while the first time is bad enough (as it put me in mind of a Harlequin romance), the second time made feel like you did not trust your readers to pick up on the closeness of Charlotte and Jonathon. This heavy-handedness in your descriptions caused the pace to lag and also made it harder to dig through the words to find the answers I was hoping for.
Hopefully the latter chapters rectify this issue, and satisfy my curiosity.Author's Response: Violet.
Interesting. This is one of the best critiques I have gotten on ABC. It's been my main focus for a while now. I'm glad that you stumbled across it. You're not the first to say that it should be considered as original fiction, and perhaps you are right. It was a different idea, and in some ways thoughout, it is not connected with the HP world. Yeah, Remus is my favourite character as well, and trying to show sheds of that personality.
I hate this first chapter, honestly, but I haven't gotten around to finishing it. It needs to be polished and revised. All the revision I've done and I did not catch that repitition. Seriously, this wholoee chapter needs a rewrite. It's not a clear image.
Well, thank you for the honest review. You don't know how much I appreciate it.
Sleeping Paige Report Review
Oh my! That was intense! Lorelei is pregnant, right? Oh, dear...I really want to know what's going to happen next. I really liked Tonks in this scene, i think she did a really great job, as well as the little interaction between her and Remus with the whole reaching forward as if he wanted to grasp her shoulder. Very good. I'm excited to read the rest, and am adding it to my favorites. i'm quite intrigued!
FannyPriceAuthor's Response: FannyPrince,
I'm so glad you like it. You're picking up on small details? Good. And the interaction? You are the first to get it. Thanks for the read. You'll give me an incentive to finish.
Hello! Here with your review!
This chapter was a major improvement in the evasiveness since the last two. I very clearly understood what was going on at all times, even when time jumped. Bravo! I like Jonathon, I hate Kendricks. What a --- - --- --- ---! ---! I think the dialogue also flowed very well, and the whole chapter was really well done. I enjoyed learning a little more about Remus, his desire to learn more about what happened to his mother working against the pain of the whole situation. As well as the fact that he likes to bake, and Molly likes his Tiramasu. Has he been baking more lately with the stress of knowing what happened to his mother? I got that notion. I also think the insertion of a few lines regarding the Order, Sirius, and the Weasleys just kind of grounded the chapter with a small bit of familiarity which was really comforting to the reader. Intrigued, and moving on...
FannyPriceAuthor's Response: You are good. Not many people pick up on the baking thing. I have a sister who does that. I don't know if it works, but I like her sweets. Too bad we never see each other anymore ... I have to make it home when she's on one of her spells. Anyway ...
The Order insertion had to be done because I like to have something toward canon. It's JKR's piece, so there you go. What else was I going to say? Oh, yeah, I don't know... oh, here we go. The baking thing was a nod to his grandfather. If I ever finish drafting the thing, I can't wait to get Tenete on the page. He sounds cool in my head. Glad you like the familarity...
Thanks for the review.
This one should be quicker (at least now I know Remus is her son ---maybe) Jon Lupin! As opposed to Ted? I like the story better at least, poor Lupin yeah?
Actually, check that, poor Charlotte. I liked the banter in the chapter between Jon and Charlotte, fun to write and fun to read. I kind of had to chuckle during this chapter; people like Jon and Charlotte make me laugh. So imbued with past writers and their prose (or poetry, in Will's case). I like the integration of the Taming of the Shrew.
It's funny that Jon would compare her to Shakespeare's shrew.
I'll give you this; you've a masterful feel for basic storytelling. And that might be an oxymoronic statement on certain levels, but it's honest. An aged tale of the downtrodden female, with flecks of the Harry Potter universe weaved along the edges. It's fluently written, and has a direct point it's slowly working toward.
In short, it's good. Great? Perhaps---who am I to judge? I just offer opinion. And my opinion is the same as my general impression of A Blank Canvas; overall? Good.
JacksonAuthor's Response: Jackson,
Somebody who knows Shakespeare? Give this man a cookie. Let's see if I can do you justice here. I love Jonathan, and I usually hate my characters and everything I write. No, that's not me being coy, for I'm an insecure writer, but he just came to me. I love him, but he's such an ass. 'Masterful'? No. I just revise until I'm tired of looking at it. Thank you, though. You should see the first drafts. Ha! You think it's good? Coming from a fellow literature person (I think that's you), this means a lot. Thanks for the review.
Ah! So it was all in the past! Did not know that at first, I can't lie to you. And . . . ah, a little awkward, yeah? Poor Charlotte . . . taken advantage of like that . . . (I see what you were talking about---I assumed it was a fuzzy topic, your story, but this, well, it's easier to read [much] than watch [Lifetime], so I have no problems).
I think that's Remus Lupin right? I didn't read the first two, but I believe I followed the story all right. She liked her professor, lost something valuable at the art show that night, and then Remus must have seen something like what happened to her to be so distraught.
Writing style? Coherent and mature, no laying out of the facts in simplistic order; there's a definitive plan here, that much is obvious. Dark and realistic, I don't doubt you are a music major. It's fun to read.
Text. Hm? What's to say, besides the positive? Dialogue's grand and all that. Also, because this is not 'fluff' my personal preferences don't get in the way; there's nothing wrong with this story at all, so far as I can see, but I'm not one to be picky. And that's not to degrade your story! More to disclaim myself from being accused of 'flaming' reviewers that might disagree with me (being in the wrong on both accounts).
Still, it's quick, pointed, and obviously moving in a direction of conflict and hurt. I like it. While I am an optimistic person, most of my original writing takes pessimistic undertones; as a result, I enjoy reading these kinds of stories (as sick as that may be).
Regardless, it's good (hopefully I didn't ramble too much for your liking).Author's Response: Wow Jackson,
Lifetime, really? really ... come on. I love how your voice shines through on these reviews. Can I just say that? I hope you write like that because that's voice, my friend, and it's not easy to master. Lifetime? I don't watch television ... definately not that sappy story thing, so that's a ... moving on.
No, you're not rambling and, yeah, this must have been a weird chapter to enter, sorry. It's just that the first chapter is poorly written. The second one's not that bad, but there you go. Sorry. Thank God, yeah, I don't do fluff. I don't read fluff. No, dear, I write. Maybe not that well, but I write. I am glad that you like the flow and the dialogue. I'm an English Studies major, really. I don't know anything about much else.
Glad you looked it. I'm tired, so I'm sorry for the choppy response. Thanks for the review. Hope you stick with me.
Hi, Im finally here with your review. Im sorry that i made you wait. I know you said not to read the first, but i did anyway, just for fun.
I really want to start with what impressed on me the most. The whole story was very unlike anything I had ever read, mostly because of the way you chose to write it. You have chosen a difficult plotiline, created complex characters, that react humanly. I was very impressed with Jonathan's drunken behavior and by Charlote as a person, the way she sees things.
But the thing I liked best was the way you put all these people toghether, in a family. A family that looks happy and serene one moment and then blows up the next one. I could feel their confortability with each other - which was mostly the doing of you dialogue - it wasnt forced or. Also, this relationship was made stronger by how you made most of the characteristics of your characters in function to their relationship toghether.
About the flow of the story, as i read it i felt that i would be willing to go wherever you would want to take me with this. The only thing that I wanted to point out is about the way you write people's emotions.
I just think you need to develop on them more, because I found myself wanting to connect with your characters more through the story, and since most of the situations in there are foreighn to me, you kinda need to explain me what they are feeling, so that i can understand their reactions. Of course, I'm a little of a freak about description, so my opinion on that is biased.
Loved it, it was different and interesting (just my type). Keep going!Author's Response: neverland,
Sorry for the delay in a response. You picked up on the family dynamic? Nice. I'm glad that you appreciate the plotline and all. No, no, I want a concrit review, and you're right that the emotions need some work. I'm detailing with that. Any honest review is wonderful.
Surprised you liked it so much. Thanks for the review. Report Review
Okay! This has taken me an unbelievably long time to review. I actually read the story around three days ago. I don't know why whenever I sat down to write the review, something just always came up!
Well, I really like Jon now! He seems like a sweet character. I also like Remus, and how he's being nicer to Charlotte, since what happened wasn't her fault.
My one concern was that why would she go into the room with Derek after what he did with her? Also, she is a witch. She could have apperated away, or used a spell for self defense, and then used a memory charm to make him forget it. Or she could have used a charm and then taken him to St. Mungos. I'm sure the Ministry wouldn't have gotten mad at self defense. But I'm guessing it all went by way to fast for her to actually do anything or think straight, which would make sense.
I really like how Sirius, Harry, and Hermione were mentioned! When Tonks was mentioned, it was cute how Remus seemed a little nervous. :P It was very endearing!
The flow was so much smoother in this chapter. You also answered so many of the questions I had, so that was great! All in all, I really liked it! :DAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review. I'll address this in PM. Thanks for reading. I'd like to discuss this one a bit. Report Review
Wow. How horrible, once again.
That was beautifully written. &I think I'm really starting to like Jonathan. He was acting very nicely towards Charlotte.
Its pretty cool that they both went to Hogwarts but ended up at a muggle University. Must be fate.
Now about Professor Derek, I have a few choice words about him but I won't say them lol. But I do hope he gets what's coming to him.
I'm glad Remus is being understanding =)
Like I said before you have quite the story here and I enjoyed reading it. Definitely come by my thread when the next chapter is out. I would love to read it!
Keep up the good work dear, you have a lot of talent.Author's Response: Thanks for the read. I'm glad you're intrigued. Report Review
Oooh Professor Derek. Okay I understand the last chapter a whole lot better.
Wow that was a hard read. Poor Charlotte! Thats so horrible. I think you made my heart drop. I can't believe that he still works at the school! Why is that?
&Poor Remus, this has got to be hard on both of them. I'm intrigued to see what happens next.
I liked the vagueness in this chapter. You explained everything well without having to give well too many details.
Well done.Author's Response: Okay. Good question. Thanks. This was so hard to write. Why does he still work there? Nobody knows this happened. Whether you refer to the past or present, for he still works with her at Cambridge, none of them have the slightest idea.
I'm glad you like it.
Thanks for the review.
Okay I think I'm understanding the story a bit better now.&Yes you did make me hungry reading this chapter lol. I really want risotto now =)
But what I really want to know is why Remus calls his mom Reese? Well, I'm sure I'll find out later on.
Seems like this family has certainly been through a lot. Lorelei with the heart problems, Remus being a werewolf and all and Jonathan having to work two jobs?
Poor Remus though, is Jonathan not his father? Hmmm..
Very nice cliffy there I have to say!Author's Response: You have picked up on things that people missed. The thiing about Jon having two jobs? That was originally an errour, but then I realised it made perfect sense.
Reese - short for a theatre nickname 'Renaissance Lady'; it gets into that later. Not a big deal.
Thanks for reading. Report Review
*hides* First off, I'm so sorry for the long wait!
Well you definitely have an original story on your hands here.
I have to admit though, I am pretty confused as to who is who and what's going on. But I'm sure as I keep reading it will become clearer.
So Charlotte and Remus seem to be close in age although they are mother and son. &I really like the italian bits in the story it adds a little something special. Even if I don't really understand some of it lol.
Now, about Major. What happened? Aww I feel bad. Poor Remus's sister.
I'm intrigued as to where the story is going. Also a quick question why did Charlotte's touch seem so cold to her husband?Author's Response: kandekisses,
You reviewed each chapter? Well, I'm stunned. Really, this chapter, and parts of the others needs to ne revised. This one in particular needs to be rewritten, but I don't know if I can go that far back now and hit the mark, you know? It's confusing.
You love that it's original? That's awesome. Yeah, see, you mentioned the confusion. It's a bad introduction. Perhaps I should have scraped it all together.
I imagine Charlotte had Remus at a young age (look head, oh you already did). I'd say, live twenty, at the most. You think Charlotte is cold toward Jon? Most think that it's reversed, really. I think it's humourless in a sick way, but that's just me. What happened to David? I don't know. No, I'm trying to figuire it out, honestly. I have bits and pieces.
Thanks for the review.
Wow... This was crazy insane good! I loved every word. Your details are always are great. Your emotion? Awesome! You have everything conveyed perfectly! I love it! :DAuthor's Response: Strangely enough, this was the easiest chapter to write. Well, in the case of Jonathan, he just walked onto the page. I'm glad you like it.
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection