Heylo! Katrina here, with your review from TGS! :)
Ah, so you want me to kill this right? Well in all honesty, there's not that much to kill. The plot seems really cute and funny, and your characterization was really fitting of everyone's ages. James and Sirius were immature and bullying; Lily was overly bossy; Snape was nosy!
It really wasn't a weak piece, but I think your problem lies in the dialogue. Dialogue is always hard, because you have to entwine actions and pictures within the conversation. The characters are talking, but you have to help the readers PICTURE them talk too. I hope that makes sense.
If you want any dialogue help, I remember reading a tutorial on dialogue in the Resources section of TGS. If you like, I'll PM the link to you! :)
Now that I'm past all the murdering and bloodiness, there were a handful of lines that made me LOL, so here's one:
"Why is it always that arm, Lily? Couldn't you try to dislocate the other one occasionally?"
Anyway, as I pointed out earlier, the plot was really funny! The whole idea of them running around as little kids was so adorable and believable too! Nice job!Author's Response: Gah, I fail at responding, terribly sorry. Anywho, thank you so much Katrina! I don't think that James and Sirius really were as angelic as people tend to make them - just because they were Gryffindors and good at heart didn't mean they didn't do some exceptionally stupid things when they were young. And writing bossy Lily was fun. xD
I think... you probably have a good point. I'll check out the dialogue tutorials, and hopefully I'll revamp this a bit at some point to make it better, because I'm really not happy with it at the moment. Thank you so much for the kind and very helpful review, love!
- emma xx Report Review
I must first apologise profusely for being so late with this review, love! Things have been far to busy as to late. But I am here now.
It's Collette from TGS by the way!
I love Marauders, they were my first favourite, and will always be my favourite. It is nice to see them written younge. I feel it is far common to see 6th-7th year Marauders and hardly any form a different year. So to see them as 12 was refreshing. With that, I think you did a fine job at making them 12, granted I haven't been twelve in many years, nor have I really been around the age group in a while, but I think it was fitting. Lily's little over exaggerations, like when she told Sev he could have died, was very much a thing of that age.
I like the way you had the relationship between Lily and Sev, granted, I haven't read much, it was still very believable. That's another thing I feel is a bit less written about, not uncommon, but you see more Lily and James far before the friendship of Lily and Sev.
There was just one small thing I noticed as a bit... off. I guess it's more of that I hadn't thought James and Sirius would have chosen a Gryffindor to test their theory on, god forbid it had gone wrong. Granted it wasn't something extreme, but I felt they might have tired it on someone of another house first. But that's just my opinion.
Oh, and I loved that Sev 'beat' Sirius. That's something you hardly see, and I am very glad you wrote it that way. It was a perfect way to foreshadow events of the future as well as make this piece even more refreshing and Unique.
With that, again sorry for the late review and i really enjoyed this. You did a nice job with it all. Feel free to come back with other stories.
ColletteAuthor's Response: I am disgustingly late with your reply. D: Terribly sorry about that, I wanted to reply to it with a decent comment but those take time and I haven't had any and please forgive me! Anywho, thank you so much for the review. :D I'm glad I wrote them as twelve alright - I prefer writing characters younger rather than older. XD Easier mindset (nooo, not immature at all -cough-).
You bring up a good point with the trying out of theories on other houses... I mean, I doubt it was anything that could really harm people, because I'm sure they weren't those sorts of kids. But I do see your point.
You have to admit, Sev wasn't a bad wizard, technically. So it's unlikely that Sirius would have beat him every time, despite how hard he would have tried. I enjoyed writing it like that.
Again, thank you for the review, and I'll probably be coming back!
- emma. Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection