This is really cute :)
Makes me sad, of course. But cute!Author's Response: Hey, thanks so much for the review!
I'm glad you liked it! And yes, the loss of Cedric leaves a hole in all of our hearts...
But he, like all the other characters who have passed, will not be forgotten.
-AKABARA Report Review
I enjoyed this. You really did your research, or just remembered incredibly well, about the sorting and the experience that Harry went through in the first book.
You have a few issues with spacing. There are these huge gaps between the paragraphs that are mildly frustrating.
It was also interesting that you gave us that little nightmare and these concerns he's having about sorting. Very good job.Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!
I went back to the first book to research what happened. I only wish I could remember that well.
I know! I hate the spacing issues, but I don't know how to get rid of them. I was told it was because I was copying and pasting directly from Word, but I don't really understand... I apologize for the inconvenience.
Thanks again for the wonderful review! Report Review
Hi! Here with your review!
Now I'm not sure if I've reviewed for you before so I'll tell you that the way I do this is that I let my inner critic dictate the first part and set out any typos, grammatical errors and the like. Then I look at your story.
The first thing that grabbed me with this one is the excessive spacing between paragraphs, which can be distracting for the reader. This often happens when you copy straight from Word and can be hard to rectify; the trick is to paste as plain text when you copy it into the archive template. You then need to add any additional formatting like italics or bold, but it does solve the paragraph spacing problem. Just something to bear in mind in future fics.
I'm not sure if you wanted Americanisms pointed out but the word "faucet" did jump out at me - I only know what that means because of all the Trixie Belden books I read as a child. (And OMG, I'm actually admitting that? I must be sadder than I thought.) "Tap" would probably work better for an international audience.
As far as canon goes, Cedric was three years older than Harry (he had to be 17 to enter the TriWizard Tournament), so Voldemort would have been defeated when he was 4 or 5 years old, meaning that this would have happened six or seven years earlier, not nine as you have in the text. Just a minor thing but I thought it was worth mentioning. Finally, my memory of GoF has Cedric described as dark haired with grey eyes (it struck me because it made him sound like Sirius). I could be wrong about this and don't have the book handy to check it but, if I'm right, then you may want to re-assess your description of him as blonde and blue-eyed.
Right. Enough of that. Your story. I thought it was a very believable portrayal of a young Cedric approaching his Sorting, how he wanted to live up to his dad's expectations and how he was terrified of going into Slytherin. I liked the descriptions of Amos, of the house (especially the apple core in the back yard, that was very relatable) and Cedric's reactions to the train, the castle and the Sorting process. You gave a very strong picture of what was happening and how it all looked to a naive 11 year old and that's easier said than done.
Equally I thought you did a very good job at flow, with everything except the Sorting Hat song. It might just be me but it didn't scan properly (inconsistent rhymes and number of syllables per line) and that lessened my enjoyment of it. I have the utmost respect for you for trying a Sorting Hat song - I skipped that entirely in my own fic because I didn't have the patience to try to think one up - but it just didn't feel right. The formatting also didn't help with the large space between each line, so maybe that added to it. But aside from that, story flow was good and progressed naturally, which again is easier said than done.
Overall I think you did a good job with this story. You've created a strong and believable protagonist and given him what feel like accurate responses to his surroundings, you've shown consistency in his thought processes and you've written a strong conclusion. I don't think anyone can ask for much else.
cheers, MelAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing!
Sorry it took me so long to reply; we had over 30 inches of snow to shovel!
O_O Too much spacing? I didn't notice! I'll check on that and change it. Thanks for the heads-up.
I will change faucet to tap; I had no idea it was so American. (wow that's really sad)
About the age thing: one of my betas gave that to me, and someone on the archives said that Cedric was "one year ahead of them." I thought that the age limit was 16, and that Cedric was 16 in fifth year, so now I'm confused because you seem to have your facts straight. I might just end up saying "some years ago" instead of going into specifics.
I have absolutely no idea what Cedric Diggory looks like. I totally made it up, and so thank you so much for telling me.
I'm so glad that you thought I portrayed Cedric well. I was worried that people would be all "who is this pipsqueak and where is our awesome Tri-Wizard tournament contestant?!" lol
The apple core was random, but I wanted to include it because I was *trying* to hint that Cedric didn't live too well. And I wanted Amos to wave vaguely at rotting fruit. It's a weird thing with me...
The Sorting hat's song was horrible; I know. When I was in fourth grade, I was good at poetry. That was the only time. Eve. (lol) So now all I can do is give it my best, and thanks for the respect. ;P I don't get too much of that. (haha?)
Once again, thanks for the review and I hope you have a nice day (random but I felt like saying it).
-AKABARA Report Review
Hey! Sorry it took me awhile to get this review up; I (accidentally) broke my laptop, and had to wait to get to somewhere with Internet. But anyway. (:
I really enjoyed reading this. You really captured the magic of Hogwarts in this, the magic of a young boy going there. He was very in character, as far as I could tell; sure, when he was 15, he was more sure of himself, but what 11 year old is? Especially with a father who's, to be honest, kind of controlling.
Your story flows really well. I liked the transition from the dream to the 'real life'; you really did the 'show, don't tell' thing well. (:
I think this is a believable one-shot. Except for the end... I don't know, I just don't think Cedric would be that quick to accept the fact that he won't be in Gryffindor, you know? I don't think he'd be adverse to the idea, necessarily, but you spent the entire thing talking about how he has to be in Gryffindor to please his father, and then kind of steer away from that. Maybe add a bit about him thinking "Maybe I won't be in that House"?
I loved McGonagall's speech. I'm not sure why, exactly; I could hear her saying it, though, you know? You really got her in character, as well as everyone else. ;D
Speaking of things I loved... I loved, loved, LOVED the fact that you wrote your own song for the Sorting Hat to sing. Honestly. So many authors just gloss over that, and while it's not BAD when that happens, I love seeing originality like that. (: Great job on that.
I really enjoyed reading this one-shot, and I'd be interested in seeing what else you've written. (: Feel free to request for another story, any time.
-JasmineAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing!
OMG laptop broke! I hope it can be fixed!
;_; You enjoyed it?? Yay!
I'm glad that you think I didn't overdo the whole "little boy" thing. I was hoping people would notice that he developed into something more later.
The end: Ah, I know! I was just like "Man, I can't think of a way to end this. Hmm... He just all of a sudden is happy and content. Yay!" I agree with you there, and I might go back and edit that part a bit. Thanks!
Lol I actually got McGonagall's speech from Sorcerer's Stone, I just paraphrased. I'm glad you think it turned out sounding McGonagall-ish! I tried to make her character seem believeable.
It took me forever to make up that song and I'm ecstatic that you thought it was worthwhile!
As for what else I've written, I have another one-shot coming up (another challenge fic). It's Next Gen. I might request for a review when it comes up. ;3
Thanks again for the wonderful review!
Wow, that was really great! I really enjoyed reading it. I had seen a bunch of sorting one-shots recently for this challenge pop up, but I didn't have any interest, but for some reason your summary caught my eye and I had to give it a chance. I think at the beginning you may have over done Amos' disappointment with Cedric not being Gryffindor material. It was clear early on and a few seemed a bit over done and borderline mean of Amos, as a father that is. Anyway, great job!
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for the review!
My summary caught your interest? I feel so special lol!
Did Amos seem over-done? I seem to have a thing about writing father-son relationships. I'm doing the same thing in a young Alastor Moody fic I'm writing. Weird...
Thanks again for reviewing!
-AKABARA Report Review
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