This is so dark and fits Tom so well. You used great description and I liked how you mentioned how Tom picked up on certain things at the orphanage.
The use of those lines fit really well in with the story and I could just imagine this scene playing out in my head.
You've written this extrememly well and portrayed Tom excellently, he just seems so dark and you can tell that he's making a Horcrux when you mention the ring in his pocket.
alicia and anne
slytherin Report Review
I love how you inlaid the poem with the story, and the last bit was worded wonderfully! Great job! Report Review
Oooh, this gave me chills! It was very dark, which suits Voldemort perfectly. You really captured his character, like having him feel no remorse for killing them, and how he smiled after it had been done.
I especially loved the italicized words after each paragraph, they gave the piece a poetic feel. It also ties the story together nicely, using the fragments from the summary to tell the story. Truly a neat idea!
-Ronsgirl29Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!
Oh, I'm very glad that you thought it suited Voldemort and that you liked the words! I was intending for it to sound a bit poetic, so I'm happy that you thought I succeeded!
Thank you again! :-) Report Review
I almost never read non romance stories on fanfiction atleast but your banner and summary just screamed out to me read me! Read me! Read me! And boy am I glad that I did read this. I did not know what I had to expect when I read this but this I didnít expect. I thought he was just going to kill random muggles. But his father and granparents. No way! Man he reminded me of like some little Hanibal Lector. This story creeped me out in a good way. He was insane! The banner was just perfect for this story because I canít stop thinking about those eyes. You did an amazing job with this!Author's Response: Thank you for the review!
I'm glad that this inspired you to read something out of your comfort zone. ;) And I'm very glad that you found this creepy!
Thanks again!! Report Review
For such a short length, this was a great story. At first, I didn't understand the words in the story summary. After reading the actual story, they make perfect sense. His thoughts seemed to be teasing on the line between sane/insane. But it's probably due to the fact that his soul wasn't split into seven yet.
Of course, I would have loved to read more and see more description. Especially in the end when he began to make the Horcrux. But, this was for the word challenge, and it couldn't be any longer. I understand. Still, it was a good story.
-Reyes91Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing!
I'm glad that you found Tom to be bordering the line between sane and crazy...it's what I intended, and yes, I think it has something to do with his soul being mostly whole at this point.
Thanks again! :) Report Review
Over all, this had the creepy air that one would anticipate that a Tom Riddle (Voldemort) piece to have.
However, this seemed oddly disjointed. Even for him. Considering his age, I don't think he would have been that far gone yet. I think he would be a bit more cool, calm, and collected.
Characterization seemed spot on, though. Despite the fact that I thought he was bit more 'insane' than what I felt he would be after all this time.
I also know that this was for a 500 word challenge, but I thought that it may have been a bit nicer if this was longer. I would have liked to see a bit more of what was going on in Tom's head when this scenario occurred.
Not to mention a bit more description would have been nice as opposed to just launching into the story.
I would have liked to see what the old man saw - the one who supposedly saw that dark haired stranger the night the Riddle's were dead. That might have been an interesting perspective to include.
As far as spelling and grammatical errors were concerned, I didn't pick up on anything glaringly obvious so kudos there.
I think the song (?) you picked worked well with this piece, though. It definitely set the stage for something that was creepy.
LindersAuthor's Response: Oh, I'm very glad that you found this to be creepy. ^_^
Hmm--I do see your point about him being rather far gone, but at the same time I think that as he's killing the family he has left, even though he doesn't know them, he has to have quite a bit of insanity.
Oh, and I definitely see what you mean with more description and thoughts and such. The main thing I was going for--and since it was 500 words, the only thing I felt I could go for, doing it justice--was an outsider's point of view. Well, not necessarily an outsider, but a somewhat detached point of view. Frank's (the Muggle's) point of view definitely would be an interesting one--I think I'll consider that for another piece, perhaps a companion one. ^.^
The italicised words are meant to be a poem--but I can see how they'd be confusing, haha. Well, in the summary I hope they work as a poem, within the story I hope they work as a cross between a poem and Tom's thoughts. Glad you found them creepy and setting the stage. :)
Thank you for another fantastic review! :D Report Review
Ilia here for your review! Thanks for taking my challenge! I hope you had fun =)
You asked me to comment on the flow, which is very good. You have nothing to worry about in that respect. Every paragraph flowed nicely into the next. Even though it was punctuated by what I'm assuming are Tom's thoughts, the story made sense and it had good direction.
What didn't make as much sense, however, was the plot itself. The main character here is Tom Riddle - Voldemort - as a young boy, and he's going to kill his parents. Is that correct? That was my understanding. Also, I didn't think it was appropriate for him to be knocking on the door of the home he's intruding. If he's going to this home with the intention of killing its inhabitants, I doubt he would go through the motions of knocking first.
I liked the italicized thoughts that went on in Tom's head. They added a personal touch to the story, and I thought that was a good idea on your part. However, the punctuation at the end of them threw me. Sometimes you had commas - was your intention for the lines to continue? If that were the case, I suggest using ellipses instead. That way, it will be clear that there is something more to come.
Overall, this was a very interesting read. It was a nice snapshot of one moment in this person's life, and you wrote it very well. Keep up the good work and have fun!
.:.Ilia.:.Author's Response: Thanks for the great review!
I'm glad that you thought the flow was good, because I thought that the thoughts--yes, they're Tom's and they also double as the poem in the summary--connected it well.
Yes, it's Tom Jr. when he was around 16 killing his father and grandparents. I think that the knocking might be a Voldemort-pride-thing going on--and I also think that he wanted to take them by surprise. Had they answered the door, he would have AK'd them right then and there. I'll take another look at it, though, because I don't specifically remember writing it and there probably is something off about it.
I was just recently thinking about how off the punctuation is. Like you said, I'll either add ellipses or just cut the punctuation altogether.
Thank you again! I'm glad that you found it interesting. :) Report Review
This was quite interestong for only a 500 word peice. I thought you captured the idea and feeling of the moment nicely, and were quite descriptive. You're a good writer, so keep it up! ;DAuthor's Response: Thanks so much!! I'm happy you liked it. :) Report Review
I loved this story. I know how hard it is to describe something happening in just 500 words, but you managed wonderfully. I especially like the ending, the pain beyond pain of Riddle's soul splinching (right?); it's very effective.Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I'm especially glad that you thought the mention of his soul splinching was effective, because I tried out a couple of ways to write that.
:D Report Review
Ummm.I'm not sure if I liked the way this one was written, it seemed awkward and didn't flow properly.
Like some sentences are half-written or mixed around ďHave seen it long coming,Ē- I have a feeling it's the way you attended it to sound, but for some sentences, which are suppose to be simple sentences and not take much thinking, I was getting confused. This could be just me.
I did like the whole feel of the story that you gave to it, I really liked it and how he had the ring was really cool touch. :)
9/10.Author's Response: Thanks for another awesome review!
When you're commenting on awkward sentences, do you mean the ones in italics? Those are sort of supposed to be awkward - I intended them to seem like Tom Riddle Jr.'s thoughts, and they're also supposed to serve as some sort of poem-type thing, as the summary sort of shows.
Thanks again! Report Review
i think its good but i dont understand it? ? ? did he kill the potters?
it was good though, i liked the summary and how that tied in nicely.Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it! It's supposed to have an air of mystery about it, but the people he killed were his father and grandparents.
Thanks for the review! Report Review
wow, the tension in this is immense!!Author's Response: Thanks! It's what I was going for. Report Review
Hey there! Since you were kind enough to read my entry for this challenge, I thought I'd stop by and read yours. :) And I'm certainly glad I did!
Your writing in itself is wonderful, really. Your word choice, flow, everything is so effortless. And I love the interweaving of the poem. You made it fit seamlessly; it never seemed to disrupt the action - in fact, I think it added to the suspense. Chilling.
10/10 for you! Great work!
GinaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing!
I'm so glad you thought the italic words didn't disrupt anything - they're intended, at first glance, (though the summary kind of ruins it) to be thought of as Tom Riddle's (Voldy's) thoughts, but about two paragraphs into it I realized I could make it all go together. :)
Thanks again!!! Report Review
This was an amazing read. You had a good idea with this. Its just to short =[ It was wonderful really though. 10/10Author's Response: Thanks! I know, it is short. But it's for a challenge where you have to make the story exactly 500 words.
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Oh, this was lovely. I really liked the phrases in italics that you spread throughout the story. I think they added to the scene, and what his character was feeling. This line especially stands out to me: "It seems to ask him what he is doing here, interrupting itís steady form of life." Really, really wonderful read. Well done. :)
10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much! This made my day. :) Report Review
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