I have to admit I'm a sucker for a good Sirius/Hermione fanfic. It's just so wrong but it's so right! Thank you for giving into my Sirius/Hermione cravings, ha.Author's Response: thank you :) glad i could help Report Review
That is the cutest fanfic ever :) I love it!Author's Response: thank you for your review Report Review
Here from the forums! Sorry about the wait =)
Alright... Grammar. Just to pick out a random sentence where I frowned at my screen in that sort of oh-blasted-grammar way, ""Thanks." Hermione said smiling back." Unless I'm very much mistaken (I'm quite sure I'm not), this should have been ""Thanks," Hermione said smiling back." You may want to visit the forums for this type of picky thing, because even though they spelt 'sentence' wrong they have a lot more right...
Yeah, I realise you asked me to concentrate on characterization and flow, but the grammar was distracting me. =S
Also, when I got to your prompt I was irritated about the use of brackets. I feel brackets are a thing not to be used in narrative, but that is just my view.
Okay then! Characterization wasn't bad in my opinion, although I did feel a little off about Harry, I think Hermione and Sirius were fine.
The flow was a little stuttery to me, as I kept glaring at the grammar, but overall was very good.
I love that last line! It entirely sums up the story, and it's very poetic.
Please forgive my grouchy review, and feel free to resubmit.
xEAuthor's Response: thank you for the review. I have now sent it off to a beta so the grammar will definitely improve. I wasn't too sure about Harry's character, but I was even less sure about Sirius and Hermione's. Report Review
Hi, Im here with your review.
What I liked about this story is that it didnt seem like it was forced together or anything and the logic you put behind the couple coming together was all right. The symmetry of Hermiones and Siriuss feelings for each other was cute, and almost funny, since they cant see that they love each other, being both so smart and all.
But the desctription at the basis for that union seemed kinda shaky. The fast pace of the description of the emotions made it look more like the outlining for a longer story than a finished project. I guess what Im trying to say is that, this project (a Sirius Hermione thing) needed a little more explanations and emotional background, a working up to the feeling they had for each other. A little more description, elaboration with their feelings could help with that, but thats just my opinion though.
I think that the characterization and dialogue in your story are related. Its not in the way you describe them, but in the way the characters speak, that makes them stray from their portrayal in the books. They seem to confess their feelings so fast, it seems unattached to the feeling itself. This is also connected to the fact that this story is a one shot, which means you dont have a lot of space for elaboration, but still, a little more meat on those bones could do this story good.
I loved that bit about the announcment at the party. You had set the mood for something big, and when that didnt come, i could feel Hermione's dissapointment too. Besides, Fred trying to kiss the doorframe was priceless.
I think you have a good thing on your hand here, and if you expand it inot a short story or whatever, Id love to read it.
Thanks for requesting.Author's Response: thank you very much for the review. I might consider doing a longer story which explores how their feelings developed for one another, and how they got to where they were when this oneshot begins. Report Review
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