An interesting but well written story, but I still don't understand how, if they were in love, that would kill her. Perhaps I've simply never been poetically minded, but it would seem that it would have helped.
Unless, I suppose you were going for a Davy Jones, 'carve out him heart' sort of effect, in which case I need just a tad more clarity, I think.
All in all though, a solid one-shot. Nice work.
P.S I'm Aiwe Saito from the forums by the way, you requested ages ago and I'm only coming around to it. Sorry. ;/Author's Response: haha. no worries about getting to this late. i tend to be a delayed reviewer sometimes as well...:/ i do understand what you are saying. i wasn't exactly clear on what i was trying to get at and although that's not always a bad thing, for this story perhaps it might have helped. thank you so much for the extremely helpful review. your thoughts are real and sensible and i am very grateful for this very nice review. i do appreciate your time very much! have a wonderful day! (: Report Review
Hey it's Broomsticks from the forums with your review :) It was a very interesting story to read, because I've never read one on HPFF like this before.
I thought he was a really good narrator and I liked that this story was written in the first person because you get a better sense of emotion. Even though he was an OC you automatically get sucked into his thoughts, and I felt like I knew him quite well. It was heartbreaking to read his pain.
Your use of language was really good and I thought overall it was very well written. I liked how he questioned himself because it showed his doubt and confusion. I could see everything very vividly and you communicated emotions really well :)
I thought the dialogue seemed really realistic. The only thing I thought could be improved about it was this bit: "doesn’t love stop after death?" because I thought you could have just stopped as "Don't you mean loved?" so it was a bit more subtle.
But I thought the conversation between the two boys was very good.
The only thing I noticed was that you spelt Gryffindor wrong. You put "Griffindor."
I thought this was a really good piece of writing. Tommy seemed like a very real character and it was an interesting plot. I think one of the most interesting things was the ending. I was expecting the third year to comfort him and make him realize he didn't kill her, but Tommy interrupted and I liked that because I wasn't expecting it, even though it's very sad.
I really enjoyed reading this! Hope this review is helpful. Sorry if I'm not making much sense, it's late as I write this. Thanks for requesting! :)
~ Broomsticks/TallesttowerAuthor's Response: thank you so much for the wonderful review! don't worry, it's late here too so we can both not get our thoughts out right, deal? haha. i thought you made perfect sense! i'm really pleased to hear that you liked this though. that really helps me cherish this piece a lot more. when i wrote this, i didn't know why i was writing it but i hadn't seen anything like this on HPFF before so it seemed like an alright idea.
your thoughts make me feel like such an accomplished writer! i have so much to learn still but even so, i really really appreciate all of the compliments and positive thoughts. i'll have to fix that Gryffindor error right away! funny how that happened...?
well, i hope you have an amazing night and thank you again for the lovely review. i appreciate it very much! (: Report Review
This was amazingly(?) beautiful. Absolutely splendid. :) This was so emotional, and you did a great job getting that out there. Every word left me hanging for more. This was just... Charming. :DAuthor's Response: thank you so much!! i am really glad to see that you feel that way about this! Report Review
It was good, very emotive and I felt for the narrator.
I would say however, that the identity of the narrator is a little ambiguous. Like, i had to go back and try and spot a name. He'd be Tommy? And seeing as Sirius was listed as a character, he'd be the little boy? I'm probably entirely wrong lol
But yeah, it was a good read. I hope you keep on writing =]
spam_up_samAuthor's Response: yeah, you got the characters right. sorry about the confusion and all but the focus really wasn't on the names in general but who the character were inside so it felt best to keep their identities a little more hidden. thank you for your support! you can definitely expect me to continue on with writing. Report Review
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