Hello, I'm here with your requested and very, very late review! I am so incredibly sorry it has taken me such a long time to come here, but I really didn't want to rush through the review.
Anyway, I find the way you've started the story admirable. The descriptions are precise and they tell us what the character is doing, what the character usually goes for without quite revealing his identity. And that is another thing I liked -all the fog around the narrator until the end of the story.
I felt that you tried to get me to know Lysander without directly introducing me to him in order to have me expect that he'd do something as topple his brother into the water yet have it take me by surprise when it happens because, after all, who would really do that to their own brother? Does that make any sense? What I mean is that, even though not everyone can do that to their twin brother, you made it believable through characterising Lysander as a bit prideful and as someone who believes himself to be better and more deserving of things than Lorcan.
I really liked the part where Lorcan told him that he loves Lily... for a couple of reasons. The first of them being how sincere I imagined Lorcan to be through Lysander's (your) description of him and of the way he was talking. Secondly, the way you had the narrator describe love. Even though that bit made me really curious as to who could that possibly be and how much older are they to think that their knowledge regarding love would be superior to Lorcan's, I found it as wonderful as it was riddling.
Anyway, I absolutely adored this one-shot! It's a light read, it's got a fairly entertaining humourous side to it, and it ends with a bang! I look forward to reading more of your stories and I apologise once again for the wait.
-MannoAuthor's Response: Hello! Please don't worry about any sort of delay! I totally understand, and besides, I'm a very patient woman!
Admirable? Oh, you're too kind! I definitely think that's the strong part of this story - the utter mystery surrounding Lysander until the very end. I sometimes wonder how I ever accomplished that! :P
I totally get what you're saying! You're actually one of few reviewers who have really understood that concept (since that's what I was going for!). I left very subtle clues here and there so that readers would become rather -for lack of a better word- intimate with Lysander without really knowing the narrator. I'm glad you thought it was convincing - it is a very unlikely scenario, but one that I tried to bring some believability to.
Oh, I'm glad that came off well for you! Lorcan's what we might consider 'the good guy' and I wanted readers to love him even with his brother's demeaning descriptions, you know? It's all about the irony! This is where I messed up and didn't make it specific enough, but they're actually twins (more irony!) - I wanted to stay canon since JKR said they were twins. It makes the story even more twisted because Lysander kills his twin - I wanted to take a different spin on the twin-dynamic. We always see the Weasley twins and how loving and close they were, but what about twins who despise each other?
I'm so glad that you liked it! Thank you for your lovely review! I really do appreciate it! :) Report Review
9 days late! My word! I am ever so sorry for the wait - very hectic week - I'll try and make it up to you!
Although this was written three years before Come, Sugar, I can definitely see your angsty style in both, and you've come along way since this piece - if I say this piece is AMAZING then I think we can be fairly sure that your more recent works are, well, too good for words.
This one-shot is fairly short, however, I feel like you fitted so much into it - without leaving out description. Sure, we don't get a full detailed report on the colour of the leaves or the spring flowers - far too generic(and yes, I do use them in description -_-) but instead we have the spring sun beating.
The description we do get is powerful and intense, I know I said previously that your vocabulary is rather monumental, but from this I can definitely feel that the narrator's is too. He sounds quite intelligent, yet slightly...I don't know, I'm not even sure how to describe it, I think I'd say he was a bit...odd, some might phrase it as 'tapped', but he was very casual about killing his own twin brother. He barely even thinks about it, instead thinking about how soothing running is for him.
Throughout the entire piece he thinks like this - consistency, I like it ;) - and I can most certainly see the difference between SoC and a general PoV here...it is literally everything that goes through his head. All the simple things such as, I am so thirsty, and the thoughts of how average Lorcan is, noting that he is the lesser of the two Scamanders - which definitely shows us that he thinks himself as superior by far. I loved his witty remark about the Ravenclaw riddle - again, he's slightly ''up himself'' - laughing at his own wit.
Whereas Rose was detached from reality due to some terrible event in Come, Sugar, here Lysander also seems detached, but more from himself. From his emotions. Having read both pieces, it does make me wonder if there is a reason for this, since it's not really considered 'normal' for someone to kill their own kin at the first profession of their love for the same woman. Especially since he described Lorcan as his 'beloved brother' in the last paragraph. What some people would do for love, huh?
Since it wasn't confirmed until the very end that the narrator was in fact, Lysander, I didn't notice the comments on the age at first.
"Lorcan, you are sixteen. You don't know what love is."
^Yet Lysander is exactly the same age as Lorcan, right?
Love is not for sixteen-year-old boys like Lorcan.
Once again(I swear this is the last time) this is another hint as to Lysander's self-assumed superiority over his brother.
The characterisation of both Lysander and Lorcan was great, Lorcan was quiet, and not very talkative - which he easily explains as having just realised his love for Lily.
Lysander is brilliant, I have a feeling that, if I met him in real life, I would absolutely despise him and his narcissistic ways(he reminds me very much of someone I know, minus the killing bit - hopefully) but he stays in character, and behaves as I would sort of expect after having a small insight into the inner workings of his twisted head - though I absolutely did not expect the ending to be as it was.
Although I have to say, I do think I'm finally getting my head round your dark twisted wording and plot lines ;)
From the summary, and Lorcan's first proper sentence, I think the ending would have sound brilliant as:
"No, Lorcan, I love her."
But it's fine as it is ^.^
I'm running out of things to say, but in a way I feel there is so much more that could be said. It's getting late, so I think I'll leave it there, but just so you know, I adore it almost as much as Come, Sugar, no one can resist a bit angst and anti-clichéd dark endings.
~ EmAuthor's Response: Hi darling! Oh, don't you worry about being late! Real life is crazy for all of us and I'm a very patient woman!
Thank you for that! I know that I've definitely grown as a writer and this is a testament to that growth. I consider this story to be the middle-ground from my beginnings to where I am now as a writer (which I hope is awesome!).
Yes, I always do seem to produce short oneshots, don't I? I suppose that I like to pack a powerful punch into a short piece.
My vocabulary is monumental? Oh wow, thank you! -blushes- Lysander is a bit odd, isn't he? Yes, I would say so. I wrote it and I'm in the same boat as you - I can't put words to his personality. It's so detached yet incredibly sensitive because we know at the end that he takes things to heart. If there's one thing that I like about this story, it's my characterization of Lysander - it's just so different and something of which I'm quite proud.
I'm glad you see consistency - I always do worry about that (along with everything else! :P).
I love your observations, you're so perceptive! He kills his twin brother, but calls him "beloved brother," as you noted. I think you can consider it as a dichotomy between 'types' of love - love, albeit twisted, for his family, and then romantic love. It's an interesting concept to consider and one I tried to explore without being completely obvious.
Yes, they're twins, so same age. Lysander is crazy, after all! :D
Thank you so much for your lovely review! You're such a perceptive reader and I really appreciate that! I hope you enjoyed it! Thank you again! :) Report Review
I'm not even sure where to start because the whole thing set me on edge, even the first time through. I was expecting something to happen and his detachment from his emotions gave me shivers. This is the kind of person who'd become a sociopath killer and never feel any guilt or regret.
I could tell that they knew each other, at least, to an extent when I read this the first time. I thought that perhaps it was a best mate of Lysander or something. Someone who had contact with Lorcan enough to know him a bit but also was tainted a bit because their loyalty was to Lysander.
You did a really nice job with the characterization of Lysander. I really wanted to pummel him the whole time for his narcissism and how he looked down on other people. Also though, in this short piece you brought in a lot of interesting characteristics into him. His need for absolute control over himself and his emotions. I expected some sort of disoganized thinking though, or something more sinister to slip into his soul as the story went along but it didn't happen which made the end really shocking and eerie because although i was on edge with his character all throughout, i didn't expect that it would lead to that.
What i thought was really, really interesting is the more i think about it, the more it seems like it was being led up to the moment Lysander found out about Lorcan's love. How he let himself believe that it was just obsession and he seemed to displace perhaps his own obsessions and his own not able to love onto his brother. Which in retrospect makes his actions more believable in the end. I did however feel like this was an outburst, even if he claims earlier that outbursts don't suit him. This is an outburst, he couldn't take his jealousy and although he didn't have fits of rage, his cold, calculating way of killing his brother made that earlier comment seem inconsistent. I think i know why he did it. Maybe he's worried Lorcan's love will mess up his own obsession, his jealousy and his need to be better than Lorcan in everything, including love, made him need to thwart his competition?
It may be because i was just expecting something darker or more haunting but the end didn't have the effect on me like it could have. It was eerie but i'm not sure if this would stick with me and speak to my soul kind of thing (i hope you understand that :p). I'm trying to figure out exactly why and i don't know if I can put it into words because although i enjoyed this piece and it startled me, which may be your only intention, i was waiting for it to chill me. You almost got there and maybe if i saw more motivation or a hint of more backstory i may have been able feel this more. Was this a growing jealousy? Or just a crime of passion (calculated and cold passion but i think that term would still fit here). However, there is an intensity in his act and the story that i very much appreciated and the ambiguousness of it didn't hurt the story for me.
Your descriptions where fine i think. They are shallow here and not as full imagery, but they fit the narrator which is more important. You gave us just enough to know where this was taking place and that's all, but Lysander isn't the kind of person to notice anything but what he's fixated on. You did a great job at showing that though, so lovely work.
Overall though, this was an interesting, eerie piece that I liked reading. This is a well done piece that you should not be too worried about and although maybe it didn't hit me as much as Come, Sugar (which i think you have just learned to wield the genre better), it's still fairly well done. I loved your choice of present tense. I have a soft spot for people who can use present tense well and i think you don't a great job with that and it fit the story so much better than past. Great job WeasleyTwins and thanks for re-requesting! I hope you liked/found the review helpful! :D
-zayneAuthor's Response: Hello! Thank you so much for reviewing! :)
You know, you're one of my first reviewers on this to figure out that they knew each other - most haven't had the faintest idea - very perceptive on your part!
Thank you! If it's one thing I like that I've done over the years, it's Lysander's characterization in this story. It just sort of flowed onto the page and worked so well.
See, Lysander is just a bunch of contradictions - outbursts don't suit him, but that's exactly what happens; he doesn't think a teenager knows what love is, but he is supposedly experiencing love himself. He is quite the paradox. And yes, that's where I was ultimately leading it to - it was all a setup on my part to bring Lysander over the edge and murder his brother.
I totally understand what you're saying! I would consider editing it, but it's such a dated story (3 years!) in terms of my style, that I'm afraid I would mess up the piece, you know? It's definitely a testament to the progress that I've made as a writer - your reaction is /definitely/ something I will keep in mind as I continue writing!
Thank you so much for your lovely review! I never know how to respond because you're such a lovely reviewer and so honest! (And please, call me Shelby!). Thank you again! I appreciate it so much! :) Report Review
Wow, I can't even...just wow!
This is amazing and I love the unexpected ending, it was such a surprise but I guess that's what made it so good.
I didn't spot any grammer or spelling mistakes so good job there!
I love the descriptive words you've used to describe the situation and the twins, and the story flowed really well.
This was really well written and I loved that it was written in present tense. Great job! :DAuthor's Response: Thank you for reviewing, first of all!
I'm so glad that you liked it! I'm such a fan of surprise endings - those jaw-dropping moments - that I end up doing it in almost every single piece I write!
I do hope you enjoyed it! Thank you so much for your review! Report Review
oh my goodness.this is so...i absolutely...i'm in shock. a good shock though.
i love it!Author's Response: Haha, oh, I love your reaction! It means I'm doing my job! I do hope you enjoyed it! Thank you for taking the time to read and review - I really appreciate it! :) Report Review
That was a bit of a surprise ending! I wouldn't've thought it was Lysander, nor that he'd drown his own brother! I loved how you kept the identity of the runner hidden until the end, and also how you have Lysander's thought process trying to minimize Lorcan's obsession. The beginning was also very well done, I almost thought there was a chase going on for a moment.
Now, I would change some comma placements, the most noticeable one for me being 'running and yet,' to 'running, and yet'. Just a recommendation, take it if you wish.
As I say, very well written, I love the writing style, and would actually say you should, I dunno, make another chapter for it where Lily finds Lorcan or something. Just a thought, you don't need to, but I think that'd be cool!Author's Response: Haha, yes, I do love my jaw-dropping endings - it's always been sort of a thing with my writing. Thank you! I don't know how I kept Lysander's thoughts rather ambiguous, but I did put a few well-placed hints in there! It does seem kind of like a chase, doesn't it? That could symbolize so many things in the story, it's crazy!
Thank you for your suggestion, but those are there because I write stream of consciousness and so, it's supposed to be a part of the 'beauty' of the technique, does that make sense? I'm really glad you love the writing style though! I really should continue it, shouldn't I? Perhaps one day!
Thank you so much for your review! :) Report Review
Okay. I don't know what to do with you right now.
This is creepy - past creepy and venturing into absolutely insane. But after a few reads, I realized how perfectly you really did place the clues!
You made it clear they had some sort of closeness, but it could have easily been because of their years at Hogwarts together. Your use in comparing the twins through the narrators eyes make it feel even more like this is just a boy who is closer to the other twin, and a bit annoyed by Lorcan.
The narrators voice did give me a slight chill all the way throughout, the emptiness of it mixed with the the obvious feeling of him placing himself on his own pedastool, feeling above the rest but still thinking of himself as human enough to breath his own faults. All those things really gave me the tingle of psychosis. He's very out of touch with reality, but still it doesn't seem like his thoughts or disorganized enough, so then I just had that eerie feeling of some undetermined psychological disorder hanging around.
The way he is able to so rationally place his thoughts. He's excusing what he knows he will do - it wasn't done in a fit of rage or something of that sort, but he let the idea of Lorcan being in love with Lily mutate a bit. You managed to follow his thoughts about love, his distaste for the obsession he believes his brother has, so well without ever revealing who it was.
And now we look at this picture, and it feels so clear that all his thoughts revolving around his twin were more mirrors of his own. Lysander can't know what love is, but simply harbors an obsession for Lily and finds himself believing it to be the other way around.
What I think I love most about this piece is control being a continual theme. His own control of himself to continue running, then to stop and talk to Lorcan, his control to remain there even though his desires of a conversation isn't met, his control at holding in an outburst, then ultimately the control of murdering his own brother. It was not some act of rage, but a very precise maneuver.
Okay, you've blown my mind for the day. Seriously, I don't even know what to do with you right now.
this was incredible and absolutely chilling to the bone.Author's Response: Haha, you are so funny! You're an absolute gem - this review is wonderful! :)
I know, right? I reread it and wonder exactly where it came from - I really don't know, if I'm being honest. I'm so over the moon that you found all my little clues. Few readers have figured them out, but I knew you would! :)
I'm really glad you picked up on the closeness. It's interesting because a lot of reviews of this story talk about the detachment, but what they often miss is the subtly drawn closeness of the two characters. It's so subtle, I used to wonder if it was even there, but you alleviated my fears on that!
The narrator is creepy, isn't he? Good gracious, you picked up on that hint of some sort of pseudo-psychosis and I LOVE it! His reality is so twisted, yet he's so rational - it's the best of all paradoxes. I find it disturbing, even as the writer, to realize just how he justifies his actions. It's very cause-effect for him and, as you say, doesn't come out of a total fit of rage.
Good gracious alive, I think you are one of the best reviewers I've ever had. You've really grasped the multi-layered texture of the piece, the multifaceted understanding that can come from an analysis. They're twins, so they're essentially physical mirrors of each other, but what about emotionally, metaphorically? You see, we know from the narrator that Lorcan is the more compassionate, normal of the two. But rather than being emotional mirrors of each other, Lysander uses Lorcan as more of a springboard, bounce-back persona for his own psychosis.
Holy watermelons, you got the control theme too! I don't know even know what to do with /you/ right now! You've so remarkably hit the nail on the head! It makes my little writer's heart jump up and down, squeeing for joy!
I really do hope you enjoyed it! I appreciate and just absolutely love your reviews! :)
WELL...um, this was...interesting. :] QUITE different from "Come, Sugar." I was very surprised at the ending. The plot seemed like it was going in a predictable way, and then the end! WOW. You floored me.
Characterization: Okay, so we've got both boys. Lorcan was really sweet and predictable. I liked him a lot, actually. But Lysander! WHAT. Just...wow. I'm glad you kept the narrator a secret throughout the story. It was a good technique to tricking the reader into complacency. And the ending was just...dynamite. Awesome job. I think the Sorting Hat made a little bit of a mistake putting that kid in Gryffindor.
Descriptions: I think you took a very different approach to this story than you did to "Come, Sugar." The descriptions were more subtle, but they helped the story in their own way. I'm surprised this is as old as you said it was. It doesn't seem that way.
Emotions: Well, the emotions of the narrator (Lysander) were pretty neutral throughout most of the story, which intrigued me while I was reading it. I was trying to figure out who this person was. And then the end! With how cold he is? Wow. I didn't expect it at all.
Plot: Well...like I said, unpredictable. Not bad, per say, but shocking. I actually read this story last night and have been trying to wrap my mind around it in order to review. It definitely threw me for a loop.
Interactions: What to say about this? Lysander kills his brother! His TWIN brother! It was very surprising since the only canon twins that we really get to know (Fred and George, though Padma and Parvati exist as well) are very close. And I've never read a story where a set of twins doesn't get along, let alone murders one another!
Style: Great job. I think you toyed with a very different style here than in "Come, Sugar," but it worked very well. It was more subtle and mysterious and kept me guessing the whole time.
I think you did wonderfully. I'm sorry I never seem to have constructive criticism for you! You're just doing so well! :D
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Hi Emily! :)
Haha, yeah, this is definitely different from "Come, Sugar." Guess my writing has changed in the past few years, eh? :P Oh, that's how I roll, Emily! I make you think everything is fine and dandy and wonderful, then BAM!
I love the idea of Lorcan & Lysander - I mean, they're Luna's kids. I wanted to experiment with them a little bit and do a good vs evil, the moon and the sun, opposites, really. Haha, Lysander - there's nothing like a good bit of insanity in the family to brighten things up! :P
I hope the descriptions were good! I'm trying to find a good balance between the more subtle description like in this and the descriptions in "Come, Sugar." I haven't really found that niche thought yet.
Haha, don't you just love how I threw that at you at the end? I ended up writing him very detached, almost. It's like he has no empathic skills or something.
I like unpredictable. I'm glad it threw you for a loop though - that means I did my job!
After I wrote this, I realized that I had a twin killing his brother. This was very stream of consciousness and you know, I kind of like it. Twins don't always get along, sometimes they hate each other, and perhaps that's what I was going for here.
Please, if you ever have any CC, even if it's the nitpickiest little thing, just let me know! I love to know what others think so that I may improve as a writer!
Thank you so much for the wonderful review! I really appreciate it! You're just too much of a sweetheart, leaving me all these awesome reviews! :)
Shelby Report Review
The overall story was well done. I really enjoyed how you built the intrigue by not announcing the characters names until you needed to. I liked how Lysander was the one to narrate it. I was not expecting the twisted turn of events in the end. I thought it was well done and I really liked seeing a darker side to Lysander. Poor unexpecting Lorcan and telling his brother his feelings.
You did an amazing job with this story and I am so honored to have had the opportunity to read it. Keep up the sublime writing! =)
Recenseo 2012Author's Response: Hi! First off, thank you for stopping by!
I'm so glad that you enjoyed my story! Yes, a lot of my readers have enjoyed the darker side to Lysander. I quite liked writing him - it was so interesting.
Thank you so much for the wonderful compliments! And thank you so much for the lovely review! I really appreciate it!
Shelby Report Review
Hi! Mirasoul here, from the forums.
Wow, the ending was a big surprise. A love triangle...with twins?! Crazy. I love the idea of it; it's terribly interesting. I found that it sort of...lacks, though. Why does Lorcan love Lily? Why does Lysander love Lily? I also question the brothers' dynamic. Lysander to me seems like a kind of jerk. I don't know if you meant to paint him that way, but personally I'm rooting for Lorcan, haha. The ending seems unfulfilled, but I also feel as if you meant it to be that way. I enjoyed delving into Lysander's mind; I love stories that can take me through both the outer and inner workings of a character, and you did that magnificently with Lysander. It also made me start wondering what was going through Lorcan's mind, too. All in all, a good one-shot, aside from the few questions that I posed. I usually avoid Scamander stories, but I'm glad I read this. :)
~MirasoulAuthor's Response: Hi! Thanks for stopping by!
I understand that it's sort of lacking - it's definitely something that has been mentioned before. But I like to think of this as a stand-alone story that can be taken as it is. Of course, one does wonder about all the 'whys' of the story. I don't know - I wrote this stream of consciousness and really would hate to ruin that raw feeling of the story, you know? But I will look at it again!
I do hope you enjoyed and thank you so much for your review! I really appreciate it! Report Review
I can't believe it was Lysander; I was not expecting that at all! Even though it was dark and sad, I love your ending. It's so interesting and surprising, and fit really well with the character you had created.
It was a bit unsettling to read the detachment the narrator had, but in a good way because you wrote it so amazingly that it gave me chills, if that makes sense haha.
Really fantastic job, 10/10 on this!
-ronsgirl29 (gryffindor)Author's Response: Don't you just love a good twist ending? They're my favorite!
You know, when I was writing the piece, I didn't really know where I was going with it. After I finished and I looked and saw that it was Lysander, I was pretty shocked! I think it fit well.
I sort of stemmed Lysander's detachment from Luna's odd nature. I twisted it a bit and took it a step further. I do hope you enjoyed it!
Thank you so much for the lovely review! Report Review
Hey! Here's Ramona from the forums with your review! Kinda late, but well.Actually, I read this some time ago, but never got the chance to post the review, you see...
Well, whoa... weird I think would fit best to describe this story. Not in a bad way, no! It was just... dark, REALLY DARK! I'm pretty used to everything fluffy, sunny and flowers falling from the sky ( or maybe just some drama) and this was very different.
It was really interesting, though. Thanks for posting the request. I really enjoyed reading it. Yes, enjoyed, that's the word! Weirdo! - I know...
~RamonaAuthor's Response: Hi, thanks for stopping by!
Weird is fine with me! I'm not normal, so why should my stories be? :P I'm not opposed to light and fluffy, don't get me wrong, I just write dark. I have such a happy life, I suppose, that the darkness just comes forth! Thank you for reviewing! I really appreciate it! Report Review
Hi there! It's me off the forums with your very belated review (I'm so sorry!)
Oh my gosh. This was an AMAZING fic, and I loved it. I love how everything is kept in suspense about who the narrator is until the very end - you assume it is just another girl, because from the summary it made me wonder if it was a girl (or boy) who was secretly in love with Lorcan, especially when Lorcan said "I'm in love," and they were so angry and yet flippant.
The Lysander perspective worked really well, because he was always trying to get Lorcan to open up and being so critical of him in a vaguely dismissive way, as though he knew him but could only be bothered so far. It was so clever the way that he said "Lorcan was average... the lesser known of the two Scamander twins..." because it sounded as though he was stating facts, and you didn't realise the arrogance and pride there, that Lorcan was a disappointment and he loved it, until you realised who the narrator was.
The ending was very shocking. It was all so fast; Lysander being the narrator, him loving Lily (when it was obviously the same love that Lorcan felt but that was threaded with arrogance too) and him pinning Lorcan under the water. It was beautifully terrible (if that doesn't sound too cliche...) and Lysander's awful detachment really drove home what had just happened to the reader.
The whole piece had a vaguely Shakespearian and blood-chilling air about it, and it was perfect; you created character, atmosphere and scene so well in so few words... definite 10/10.
~TGKAuthor's Response: First off, thank you for reviewing! I am so sorry it has taken me so long to respond!
I am so glad you enjoyed my story! Oh yes, I'm pretty flippant, so that part of my personality came through a bit unintentionally.
You are one of a few readers who really appreciates Lysander's characterization. He was so fun to write and I like what I've done with him, but some don't like that dismissiveness, so thank you!
Thank you so much for your lovely review! I really appreciate it! Report Review
This is AditiDraco95 from the Forums with your review.
Man, I am impressed :D
This was a fairly good one-shot, and had this little something that seemed to draw the reader into your story. I liked the way you have woven the plot and the characters and the scene was also good.
There were a few grammatic mistakes so I suggest you get this beta read for the grammar.
I really liked the ending, it was quite dramatic. Great job on that!
Overall the story was a nice read, I would give you a 9/10 :)Author's Response: Hi! Thank you for reviewing!
I do hope you liked it! I never get my stuff beta'd, it seems to be a bad habit of mine. But I'll go back and look through it again, so thanks for pointing that out!
Thanks so much! Report Review
Wow. Just Wow.
There is nothing else to say. I did not catch that it was Lysander. I mean, I was thinking it was a girl for some reason. I love how you pepper in his thoughts that something is unsettling about Lorcan. The way he focuses on his downfalls is so fitting to the way you wanted to portray him.
The first thing I noticed was that you used present tense. I've not read few stories in that tense, mostly because it confuses me, but this one was easy to follow.
I loved this. Absolutely loved this. It is sad, but it is beautifully so. Even the murder was beautiful. 10/10!
Greylady_RavenclawAuthor's Response: Hi! Thanks for reviewing!
I love when I leave a reader speechless. It's great to know that I can get that reaction out of people, ya know? A few people have told me that he sounds like a girl. I think, unintentionally, I meant for him to sound a bit feminine. I haven't a clue why though.
After I wrote this, present tense has just really stuck with me. I wanted the tense to be as smooth as possible, so present it was.
Thank you so much for the review! I greatly appreciate it! Report Review
Hello, Char from the Forums here with your review!
I like following this person’s thoughts. The whole dissertation on love was well written and I paused while I read this to just go over it again and compare those words with my own experience. I feel that what you said there was quite real and genuine. Your insight is very nice to see.
And then it got dark and scary. Whoa. Did it get scary. Lysander. Creep!
Luna’s children? So cannot see that! But! It’s your story and I respect that!
xCharAuthor's Response: Hi, thanks for reading and reviewing!
I'm really glad that you enjoyed it. I love to write a character who is different from the norm and really delve into their thoughts.
I've got to have a bit of horror in there, you know :P
A few people have said that to me. I actually see this as a separate set of twins, but didn't want to use the Patil twins, so it's the Scamanders.
Thanks for the review! Report Review
Hi there, LMW from the forums with your requested review. I was definitely intrigued with your request forum especially when I saw that it was horror/dark.
So, there is a definite creepiness to this and you certainly shock the reader with the thoughts and the shift that clearly happens during this one-shot. I knew it was Lysander as soon as it was Lorcan because I think you just wanted to disturb the reader and shock everyone which I think you generally achieved.
I have no issue with the idea of such a disturbing thing happening; I'm not unconvinced that Lysander and Lorcan could be characterized like this. Your one-shot, for me, however does not convince me of back story to accept the present story. There is suspension of disbelief that goes on in a story for the reader; you don't have to tell the entire back story but I'm not convinced because I feel like I don't know enough before hand to be really convinced of the shock of this story.
The tone seems mismatched in the two parts to me but it seems to become what you intend by the end. The beginning seems forced casual to me but it seemes to build up about half way through. Also, I'm curious about the title because I just don't understand how it relates to the story. I was curious about that.
You are clearly a good writer but the story just didn't convince me. Best of luck!
LMWAuthor's Response: Hello! First off, thank you for taking the time to read and review!
I believe you are the first reader whom I have not shocked in the revealing of Lysander. Excellent reading on your part!
I do wish that I had convinced you. I am a stream of consciousness writer. Whatever comes forth, I write and post. This was pure imagination and I had no thought of any back stories. I do see where you're coming from. I wish I had some sort of reassurance or something, but I don't. What you read is all there is to my story, sadly.
Thanks for the review! Report Review
Oh my god.
That was amazing. Thoroughly terrifying at the end, but still amazing. A perfect stream of thoughts and superb philosophy on love by Lysander. 10/10. Absolutely wondrous.Author's Response: Oh, I'm so giggly right now! Thank you so much! It's so lovely to have a reader that recognizes stream of consciousness technique! Thank you, goodness, thank you! Report Review
HOLY MOTHER OF CHOCOLATE CAKE AND SPARKLY THINGS.
I was not expecting that. It was really... interesting. If it's in a good way or a bad way, I'm not sure. The calmness of Lysander was quite eerie.
I liked how his identity was not known until Lorcan screams, and by then, it's too late. He's revealed, so to say. He's very sick and twisted. And the calmness just adds to it. *shivers* There were hints, almost, throughout the story- the whole Lorcan is average, how could I have not noticed his obsession.
I actually thought Lysander might've been a girl for a while- maybe she was in love with Lorcan or something. But as soon as Lysander tripped Lorcan, I had a feeling it would be more than just play-fighting. Gosh, this was so creepy.
I swear, Shelby, I think you might need therapy for thinking something like this up- and writing from his perspective, no less! Many, many years of therapy for you, dear. ♥
Lovely job- very creepy plot twist, very twisted character, but done wonderfully. Your future therapist will have quite the time with you. :PAuthor's Response: HOLY MOTHER OF WATERMELON!
You had me smiling through the entire review, you did. I love it when my reviewers get all creeped out - it means I've done my job well. Lysander does sound a bit like a girl, doesn't he? I attribute that to his charming insanity. I write stream of consciousness, so what comes forth in the story is just sort of there, ya know?
My future therapist? You are very right, that's for sure. I'm such a happy and bubbly person. I smile and laugh more than you can imagine. But when I write, I have these odd urges - I want horror and death and blood and killing and cursing and madness. It's in inner Stephen King in me, I think.
Thank you so much for the review! You've made my month! Report Review
Honoraryweasleyy here with your review (finally)! Before I begin, I need to compliment you on the story and chapter names - very intriguing.
Then I need to tell you that in my opinion, the very best kind of shocker is the kind that makes you think "That makes sense". And indeed, reading this for the second kind I picked up a dozen things that should've been indications. Many things in this story make a lot of sense when you think them through - for example, Lysander's, well, instability, when you consider that most of his family have been instable, and it's entirely possible for him to have been instable in a menacing way.
I enjoyed this a huge amount, and it made me realize that I should keep an eye open for, and read more often, one shots like these. The dialogue was perfect, very realistic, and the tense was an excellent choice. I like that it some places it's definitely just a stream of consciousness; that's a nice touch. My favourite line of all was "Lorcan Scamander is average."
I really don't have any suggestions for changes, it seems. But something to consider: "I decide that I will not vacate. I will stay." It's a brilliant line and I like that whole paragraph, but if it were me I might change it to "I decide that I won’t leave. I will stay." I appreciate that throughout the story you gave hints to it, but didn’t until he drowns Lorcan actually reveal Lysander’s "true colours", you might say – and I think that the way you phrased this might seem a little forced.
Congrats on an excellent one shot, I must say!
-JAuthor's Response: Hi!
Thank you! The title just pulls me in and it's my story! :P
It took me a while to actually realize that I had left hints to Lysander's insanity. I wrote this stream of consciousness and so the first product was the one you just read. I don't do any sort of editing with stream of consciousness.
I'm glad you thought it was realistic! I've had a few readers who didn't see the simplicity of the piece. Perhaps they just couldn't get a grasp on the story. Oh goodness, I love that line! It's just there, ya know?
I've been told several times about those two lines. When my other piece gets out of the queue, I will definitely take your advice! Sometimes, my writing is very formal, and I often miss it and forget to fix it.
Thank you so much! I definitely appreciate the review! Report Review
This is really beautiful. I love the twist at the end. I started to guess Lysander might be in love with Lily when he first reacted to Lorcan's confession. I must also compliment you on the title. I absolutely love it, and it's what first drew me in. And the ending... it starts out as sort of funny and light, then suddenly gets very dark. It's very ambiguous, as it had me wondering whether Lysander had actually killed Lorcan, or just left him there unconscious. And I sort of like that... The reader can sort of decide for him or herself.Author's Response: Thank you for the review! I do hope that you enjoyed the piece! I honestly have no idea how I came up with the title, but I, too, love it. It's nice to have a reader/reviewer that grasps the meaning of the piece, the overall mood. Thank you for the review! :]] Report Review
Here I am with your requested review. :)
That was good. I like it. Alot.
At first I though it was funny that the MC pushed Lorcan into the water, until I realized that the MC was Lysander, and he was telling Lorcan that he, Lysander, was better and that he loved Lily Potter. I mean, I know technically he never said that, but I feel like that's what he was saying when he tripped Lorcan. Am I right, or am I just going crazy?
But like I said, it was very good.
Also, I definitely understand Lysander when he says he's not a runner. Phwoar. Running + me = death. :P
(LiveLaughLoveHarryPotter on the forums)Author's Response: Wow, what a quick review! Thanks!
Yes, yes, you got it right. He's a nasty piece of work, that Lysander.
I do hope you liked it! I totally understand - I couldn't run to the kitchen without keeling over.
Thank you so much! Report Review
It's acciochocolate with your review :)
This story is AWESOME, just going to get that out of the way! It's amazingly written. You have flawless grammar and no spelling errors that I caught. It's imaginative, and flows really well. I really like this story!
There was just one sentence that didn't really make much sense to me! "The wind is in my face, but I'm more than just a face." It seemed to me like this should seque into something more about him, but it didn't :P
This is, of course, a small flaw :D awesome story!!Author's Response: First off, thanks for reviewing!
Awesome? Why, thank you! It makes me happy to know that people enjoy my stories!
This story was written stream of consciousness, so I simply wrote whatever came to my mind. Often times, I write sentences like that and don't truly know what they mean - it's just there as added, well, fluff, really. But thank you for pointing it out!
Thank you so much! Report Review
Hi, its strawberrydarhling here with your review :)
My first thought when I had finished reading this was 'wow'. The ending was very dramatic and I just loved it!
And I know I said in my review thread that I didn't like one-shots and this is an example. Because I get so caught up in the story and when it reaches the end, it is like the end, you know, know more chapters to carry on this amazing story. And that is how I feel about your one-shot.
I couldn't really find anything bad about this fic but there was just this one sentence that did not really make sense to me no matter how many times I re-read it.
''It is not to be, running, running, running is to be.''
However I really do like these sentences -
The mist of the morning has cleared off. The spring sun beats upon my sweaty back with each bounding step. I am so thirsty. The desire to leap into the lake and drink pounds in my blood.
Another thing I picked out is if Lysander and Lorcan are twins wouldn't Lysander know that Lorcan had recieved a owl for Easter?
Anyway, I really liked this one-shot - except the part of it that left me yearning for more! :) - and I hope I have helped.
Feel free to re-request :)
strawberrydarhlingAuthor's Response: First off, thank you!
I think I did a pretty good job with this if you didn't want it to end! You, like me, love longer stories, but I find that one-shots aid in my creativity - you know, when I want to write something epic, but not devote countless hours that I don't have :P
I rather like that line, but I can definitely understand the confusion. It's just one of those lines that comes out of the mind and cannot really be explained.
Nice attention to detail! I always assumed that they disliked each other so much, they wouldn't care to know what goes on in each others' lives. One can assume they're in separate houses as well.
Thank you so much for the review! I really appreciate it! Report Review
Hey! I'm here with your review :)
Oh my God! I was not expecting that! That was brilliantly, shockingly written. :)
There was definitely a dark tone to the story from the start. I particularly liked: 'I stay strong, I face my faults head-on with my sword of invincibility.' It's a strong powerful line that fits in well with the rest of the story. There seems to be a lot of cruel honesty in this story, if that makes sense, from Lysander.
You gave subtle clues throughout the story as to who the other person was and I also thought that was cleverly written.
Well done on this one-shot. I didn't find any spelling/grammar mistakes either.
-Sophia xAuthor's Response: Hi! Thank you for stopping by!
I myself did not expect that outcome when I wrote it, but things just sort of...happened xD Several reviewers have said that they don't like that line, but I'm glad you liked it.
Thank you so much for your review! I really appreciate it!
Shelby Report Review
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