I really love everything about this story!
I cant wait for the next chapter!Author's Response: Oh I am so glad! Thank you so so much for the review!!
xx Report Review
This story is amazing!!! I really hope you are going to add new chapters at some point. Especially because you give a glimpse of what becomes of Charlie and Ada in Bedpost and Broomsticks and that makes me even more curious.Author's Response: Oh wow, you have no idea how much this review made my day :) actually try week! I'm so thrilled you enjoyed it so far! I'm hoping to get to it soon but life is crazy and I really want to edit it up and such so hopefully it will be soon!
xx Report Review
This story is AMAZING! I read Bedposts and Broomsticks and, since you're such an brilliant writer, decided to check out your other stories. I love your characterisation of Ron and Harry, as well as Charlie :D
WHEN is the new chapter going to be up??Author's Response: Aww, this means a lot. I am so glad you liked Bedposts and Broomsticks this much to check out my other stories :) You are far too sweet. Thank you so much for the review!
The next chapter will be a while :( I'm sorry, I am currently super busy with school and I am focusing on updating BB and I Love Lucy but please continue to check because who knows when I will be struck with inspiration!
Thanks again! Report Review
This story is fantastic and the characters are incredible.
Please update! I must know more.
Thanks, k, bye.Author's Response: Aww thank you so much for such a sweet review, I am so thrilled you are enjoying it so far!! Report Review
so im reviewing again becuase this story doesn have enough reviews! what is wrong with people
this story is brillant I love the characterisation of charlie its awesome! exactly what he would be like!!Author's Response: That really is so sweet of you :) I am so thrilled you like it, and honestly it's people like you that I write for no matter the number of reviews. Thank you so so so so so so much for all your support! Report Review
Fascinating story! Hoping Harry isn't being a jerk - I want so badly for him not to make a snap judgement about Ada based on her family! But I love Ada as a main character. She's not one of the good guys, per say, and she's got a lot of conflict (and interest) in her background. Can't wait to see how this turns out!Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! This story is like my baby, and the lack of response is a little disheartening, and then you come and say all these nice things it really makes me smile! I am so thrilled you like Ada, I really look forward to developing her character even more along with the story line! Thank you so much for the review! Report Review
Interesting story! I like Ada as an OC, and your characterizations of the canon characters. I hope Harry doesn't misjudge her, though! Looking forward to the next chapter :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! Hopefully I will be able to update soon! I am so thrilled you like Ada!
xx Report Review
Here I am with your requested review.
First let me say this started off rather well. I love how Ada helped her father with his case. As the chapter continued I found the description lacking.
I really loved her interactions with Charlie. I do love me some Charlie! I agree with her though, he does appear to be a bit of a womanizer. Though, I still love him. I would have liked to see her run into him again while at Diagon Alley with Camille - that would have been fantastic!
I have a few nitpicky things I'd like to address: I sat in a stiff backed maroon armchair, a pencil securing my tight bun and a pen in my hand. --- a pen? I think a quill would be better given by the sounds of things, Ada is a pureblood. I highly doubt purebloods would keep muggle things such as pens around.
Harry Potter will use 'You know who's' name This is pretty simple 'You-Know-Who' rather than how you have it.
she got exactly what she wanted/ Also, pretty self explanatory, / should be a ?.
Overall what little we see of a plot is interesting and I think can be developed into something really amazing (depending on where you plan to go with it). Good job!Author's Response: Thank you so much for getting back to me so quickly! I am glad you like it that means a lot to me :)
The nitpicky things are wonderful because I really don't notice them most of the time, so thank you for that. I will for sure correct those next time I add a chapter or edit it.
Thank you so much for all the kind words and the help, I really appreciate it! Report Review
BRILLANT BRILLANT BRILLANT!! My fav charlie story by far!!! please please update soon!!!Author's Response: I will try! Your review made me smile, I am so pleased you are enjoying it! Report Review
I love this story charlie is really underappreciated in fanfics! i dont understand why i think his the most fascinating! i noticed that you havent had huge amounts of reviews which i find strange as it is really well written but then again searching for charlie stories is hard as there is no specific filter for it! so maybe thats why!Author's Response: Thank you so much! I really appreciate the review, and I am so thrilled you like it :)
It means a lot to have the feed back! Report Review
I think this story is really great. its not too corny and not too fluffy really enjoying it!! keep goingAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I am so thrilled you like it! It means a lot to me! Report Review
I'm addicted to this story, I can't wait to read the next chapters! It is so extraordinary to write about Charlie. (I have never seen the story about him) I love the way you described him :)
I'm sorry, my english is not very good...Author's Response: Oh no worries about your english, this review is lovely. I am so pleased you are enjoying it! The next story will be up soon! Thank you so much! Report Review
Hi, BB here from the forums with a review :)
The concept for this story is great. I'd love to get a hold of your kind of plot bunnies because this offers so much potenial. I can't say that I read many Charlie fics -- though he's such a fun character, I don't know why not --but I think it's interesting pairing him with an OC. I would caution you though about character authenticy where your OC is concerned. I know she's supposed to be a bookish 26 year old who works for her father, doesn't get out much and has grown up in a conservative household, but honestly she really just reads as a nervous teenage who works for her father. While I do like that she tries so hard to please him, and I think you're doing a good job with putting her outside her comfort zone, make sure that she reads the age she's supposed to be. I'm 25 myself, and so I can honestly tell you that this woman doesn't at all read like a woman. She lacks the maturity -- probably because you yourself is not a 26 year old, ignore me if you are -- and that is so blatantly obvious that it distracts from the story.
Another detail that distracts from the story (and really you don't want that because this is definitely an interesting story) are the mistakes you're making with punctuation. A lot of them are where you have dialogue, and you're missing commas or periods, or your capitalization is off with your dialogue tags -- the he said/she said bits right after or before a spoken piece of dialogue. A good beta can help you clean these little mistakes up, which would allow your reader to really focus fully on the story.
I hope this review was helpful. Good luck with the writing!
BBAuthor's Response: It really was helpful, thank you so much!
No, you were right in your assumption, I am nineteen, and I enjoy writing Addiah but I can really understand that she comes across as well, a little immature. I will definitely try to change that.
I am terrible with punctuation and grammar and I do have a beta but obviously we are both missing a lot. I will for sure go over it. Thanks so much for all your help, I will definitely take into account everything you said.
Thanks again! Report Review
... So. I think I've found a new favorite story. xD
There were a few grammar issues in this chapter, but nothing too major (or, at least, nothing that I didn't mention something like in the first chapter).I'm not going to mention grammar things, just because I'd just be repeating myself, basically. (: I hope you don't mind.
Ada is one of my favorite OC's I've ever read on here. I'm not just being nice, either; she's really funny, strong-willed, and realistic. (: I adore her voice, she's absolutely amazing. (:
This line in particular stuck out:
"If he was thinking that a mixture of empty compliments and alcohol was going to make me sleep with him, he was sadly mistaken."
xD It's so true of guys at bars (not that I've ever been, but, you know), and I love her casual-yet-not tone she's got going on. (:
I like the 'proper' way she talks. She doesn't really use contractions, and that really makes it seem like she was brought up Pureblood. I like that, good job. (:
"Merlin, he spends one summer in Paris and thinks he is French already."
I love that line as well. (:
Actually, can I just quote the entire story, please? XD I love it. (:
"Bible" should be capitalized. I'm not really religious (by any means), but I know that's something that might offend someone. :/
Aw, Ada totally loves Charlie. (: Even when she was saying she hated him, she's totally in love. (: But who wouldn't be? I mean, it's Charlie Weasley. ;D
I like Camille, too. (: I loved her "Carlos... or is it Timothy?", showing she knew what Ada was playing at. (: Great job on all of your characters, by the way. I don't know if I mentioned that in my last review, but I really think you're doing a spot-on job with all of them.
I think this chapter was the first time I've read a first-person account of someone being 'starstruck' by Harry, and I think you did a brilliant job. Even though she hates him, she can respect he's wise and such, and I like that.
And now, a fangirlish moment:
YES! They're together! The kiss was so adorable and sweet, and it made me smile like the childish schoolgirl I am inside. :D
And lastly, I have a random question... How do you pronounce her name? o.o It's just been bugging me, which is why I keep calling her Ada. xD
Great job. (: I like this. Feel free to re-request. (:
-JasmineAuthor's Response: Sooo this review may have just made my night, you are just wonderful :)
Leaving out the grammar is fine, I think I am going to print out the entire story and go over it by hand..maybe even get my Mom, who is a grammar and spelling queen to go over it. :"
I am actually gushing over this, I am so so so so pleased you like Addiah (oh yes, you pronounce it "ah-Di-ah".. I think haha, I am terrible with phonetics haha it's funny because before I started this story I mentioned her in Bedposts and Broomsticks, one of my other fics, and I only named her Ada..I figured I had to give a longer name so I just typed Ada into a baby name site and Addiah is what it came up with haha. I liked the name thought it suited a pureblood princess...and it turns out, randomly with no planning what so ever on my part Addiah means noble, hardworking and ornamental! Coincedinces! I love them haha!) Ahhh, actually I am like gushing, this warm feeling is in me haha you are too nice.
I am glad you like that line, I thought it perfectly described her and Samuel's relationship..Addiah has a certain destain for the the world she grew up in. And it is true, I have been to bars and the amount of guys that have come up to me or my friends with a drink and a "You're hot." is ridiculous..boys are certainly clueless sometimes.
I am glad you think she has a proper speech..this is really what I was aiming for haha, and I in no way talk like that so it was a bit of a stretch.
Ah, really I am so excited and giddy haha, you are simply amazing and much to generous with your praise..I might get a big head haha.
Thanks for the tip, I really would rather not offend anyone :)
I am glad you like Camille, I think she is funny and I love having her voice in it. And oh wow that's a huge comment...I know that grammar and everything is really important for a story but characters are the most important, so you saying that really makes me feel great about the story.
I am so pleased you liked the part with Harry. :)
Haha and yes they are 'together', I will probably take up your offer on re-requesting because in the third chapter things are a little different haha.
i can not put into words how wonderful this review made me feel, so thank you so so so so much for taking the time to leave it!
p.s how what a long response! Sorry for my blathering!
I love this story!
Charlie and Ada are hilarious. This story is definitely under appreciated, but I'm sure it will take off.
You're a really good story teller and I can't wait to read more :)Author's Response: Oh thank you that is so nice for you to say, I was a little concerned by the lack of response so I really appreciate the review! Thank you so much! :)
Hey, there. (: It's Miss Lily Potter from the forums, here with your requested review.
I like this start. It's an interesting story, and your characters are already fairly distinct. I can tell who Ada is, who Camile is, and who her father is. I have a few notes, though, that I think will make the story stronger as a whole. Please, don't take offense if I sound rude; I promise, I'm not trying to. And if you don't agree with what I say, feel free to not take my advice. (:
First, I have a few specific grammar things:
"Though my father is getting on in his years; Ainsley Mackenzie is still an intimidating man."
There should be a comma, not a semicolon, because "Though my father is getting on in his years," is not a full sentence.
"Firewhiskey" is one word, and "Ministry" (as in of Magic) should be capitalized. (:
Where you have the speaker saying “….The Second War”, there should be a comma before the quotation mark. After every time, actually. There were a few times where you just cut it off without any punctuation, and it threw off my reading a bit.
" I shuffled through my organized and detailed notes until I found the article in question; I quietly cleared my throat and did what my father asked,"
Since you have what she reads as a new paragraph, there should be a period at the end of this. Either that, or have her dialogue continue the same paragraph.
Your grammar was all right, but there were kind of a lot of little errors, like the ones above. I'd recommend getting a beta; it would just make for an easier read, and you'd probably get more readers that way. There were a lot of run-ons and fragments that could have been fixed with either less commas, or a comma where a period was, etc. I'd just advise a beta, until you get a better hold on it.
Your dialogue was a bit unrealistic. I don't know what it was, but it seemed a bit stilted and when I tried reading it out loud to myself (because that's what I do), it didn't seem to flow that great. I think reading it out loud would probably help it a lot, just think and wonder "Is this how a real person would talk?".
The beginning confused me, but I'm not sure what about it did. o.o At the beginning of the story, I wasn't that interested, but when she started talking to Charlie, my interest was really peaked. (: I liked how it showed her character, that was a good example of showing instead of telling.
I like the Dad character. He seems like the "My way or the highway!" type, which reminds me a lot of Sirius' mom. Obviously, he's to a lesser degree (at least, he seems to be), but the same "I am right. Creatures are beneath me." mentality seems to be there.
I loved some of the ways you described things. xD Like when Ada said Charlie was part of the Weasley "clan", it let some of her characterization show through.
You described her eyes as "jade" twice. I'm not even sure why I noticed that, but it stuck out at me.
There were a few times in here where you had Ada telling us what she was like, rather than showing us, which clashed with what she did 'show' us. She says she's prejudiced, just like her father, but then she turns around and feels bad for her House-Elf. I personally like the second 'her' better, because I feel it gives her redeeming qualities that she doesn't have otherwise, but that's just me. Also, she says she's just like her father, but she doesn't want to get together with Samuel? Again, I'm reminded of the Black family, Sirius in particular.
Haha. Is this one of those (lovely) stories that has Ada going from hating Charlie to loving him? XD You can tell I'm a Dramione shipper... (only in fanfiction, I promise.)
One last 'show, don't tell' remark: You said Charlie was "an obvious supporter of liberal ideas". Why? Because he was a Weasley or because he was in the Leaky Cauldron?
This is a good idea. Your characterization is strong, and while your plot hasn't really gotten going yet, I can tell it's going to be a good one. (: Again, I'm so sorry if I offended you. I really did enjoy the chapter. (:
Off for chapter two! :D
-JasmineAuthor's Response: I take no offence believe me, I can take constructive criticsm haha, and I did ask for you help so I appreciate anything you give me :)
Thanks for pointing out the grammar and punctuation mistakes, I am really terrible with things like that...on that note..I do have a beta...which makes things..awkward? Regardless I will try and make sure I take more time going over and editing myself.
I loved getting all the examples for grammar as it really helped me to understand what you are talking about, if you have time would you be able to do that with my next chapter for the dialogue? I thought it went well but I would love to see what you had in mind.
With the beginning I can understand, I was really trying to set the stage but I will go back to it and see if I can rearrange it a little to make it more interesting?
I don't think I said she was like her father or predjudice? Maybe I did? And yes I kind of see her like Sirius just not as rebellius. To me her character has know nothing else, and as a person she is fair and kind but she lives with a father a man completely against new and liberal ideas. I feel like she is repressed as a person, And she really wants to please her father.
This is one of those stories haha, not so much pure hate..but more an irritation to love. I am not much of a Dramione shipper but I really enjoy James/Lily stories where there is banter and such.
Thanks so much for all the comments it really gave me ideas to improve the story which is why I asked for help. So thank you again, and hopefully you enjoy the second chapter more! Thanks so much!
-Miranda Report Review
Another great chapter. Charlie is so bad hehe
I'm really excited to hear about the trial. I love court drama =]Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing every chapter so far, it really makes my day like..ten times brighter haha. I am glad you like Charlie, I adore him in his brash bad boy ways haha.
Thanks again! Report Review
This is great :) Looking forward to the case on werewolf rights.Author's Response: Hey thank you so much for reviewing! It will get to that by chapter four! Thanks again! Report Review
I love fight scenes haha
I really enjoyed this chapter though I do think things have gone a little fast. Ah well, the story still rocks! =]Author's Response: Thank you!! And thanks for the constructive thoughts, I will definitely keep that in mind for the future!
Thanks again! Report Review
I always enjoy reading stories that feature secondary characters. It's a breath of fresh air =]
I'm really liking this so far. Your Charlie is so different than anything I've seen before but it works. I like him a lot hehe
Addiah is great; I hope she starts speaking her own mind. It's sad to see someone being held back from their true feelings.Author's Response: Oh this made me smile! Thanks so much for such a nice review! I had this plot bunny in my head and I could not get rid of it, so I am so happy you are enjoying it!
I love your story!!
Are you updating any soon??
hehe just checking out
Never read something similar...
LWAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I was a little worried for this story and it is so nice to hear some good feed back, I am almost done chapter three but it still pretty rough! Thanks again, hopefully an update will be up soon time! Report Review
Interesting take on the potter universe- namely the use of the 1st person-different. Thank you. Keep writingAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the feed back! I am so thrilled you are enjoying it! Thanks for the review! Report Review
i really like this couple and the way you subtly introduce the other canon characters. i cant wait to read more.Author's Response: Thank you so much! :) I am so excited you like it!!
I was really nervous about introducing this story! Report Review
I never thought I would say this, but you have made me fall in love with Charlie Weasley! He is just so charming and yum! I am really interested in how this story is going to play out and I can't wait to see how the whole werewolf thing plays in!
11/10Author's Response: Wow! Thank you so much! First review! Look for a new update it should come up soon!
Thanks again! Report Review
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