I loved this too! I really like that you chose to put some history behind their love/hate relationship.
The introduction was brilliant- I really love how you phrased that.
I think you have a real gift for playing with the reader's reactions- it was so hard to see both of their points of view, and how they were both pining after each other and yet, I had to sit there and watch as they fell apart! I think that the characterization of both Lily and James was really good. The way she was going to confess her feelings seemed very Lily, and the situation she was in - believing she was the only one who really understood James was easy to sympathize with.
The ending was very sad, but again well written - it tied up really well. Oh! My only comfort is that canon will re-unite them in the end! Still, as painful as it is to see Lily and James all confused and messed up, it was still a joy to read :)
Merry Christmas and thanks for posting!Author's Response: Merry Christmas to you too! Your review has mightily cheered me up about this most long-running WIP (I will finish it, honest!)
I really wanted to do something a little different for this story - so often Lily is portrayed as simply hating him, and then suddenly realising she loves him. Personally, I don't get that - those kind of emotions, ones strong enough to make you marry only a year or so later - take time. This fitted that, hopefully!
As ever, I do enjoy the messy and sad relationship issues, and what's a story without conflict! So thanks for encouraging me with this review, as you've made me see the better aspects I can keep working with, now I have a lovely ten-day break to do it in! Report Review
erm. wouldnt the slytherin prefects say something about the voldy part? =P you sorta left them out.Author's Response: You mean at the end? The idea was that they weren't in that particular horseless carriage at all - just the prefects mentioned were. Still, as this wasn't obvious (darn me and my assuming my readers can mind read) I'll definitely have a look at a mini-edit to make this clearer. Thanks so much for pointing this out, as I've probably confused a number of readers with it!
Thanks for taking the time to read and review! Report Review
"James, seriously, what part of 'back off' is confusing you?"
That got me laughing out loud.
The sorting hat's song was quite good. Its Devilishly hard to write a good rhyme and I thought you handled it quite well. this was my favorite part:
"That wherever my choice places you
You were placed in Hogwarts first"
Similar to the speech the hat gave during sorting at the start of the second war. It was very appropirate.
The prank was great. I liked that a lot. Now the exhange James and Lily had (and great adding Charlus as his middle name) both got me laughing and smiling. Surely she'll realize how hard he's trying and get with the program soon? Well here's hoping.
EldyAuthor's Response: Lily, get with the program? You are epically misjudging both her stubbornness and his inability to not muck it up. I'll be lucky to have them together before they take their NEWTS!
Glad you liked the sorting hat's song. It felt necessary to write one, but I was worried it was a bit... blah. Rhyming's never been an issue (always loved poetry as a kid), but being meaningful simultaneously is tricky. So, glad it didn't ruin it for you.
If you liked the Marauder's interaction in this, feel free to check out my non-canon Marauder's fic - Memories of Tomorrow (nudge nudge, wink wink). More sarcasm to be found, because that's how I roll.
Thanks so much for the awesome encouragement. Really will try to actually update this over the bank holiday weekend. Report Review
Excellent flourishes here, from Lily becoming less nerdy and more "girly" to the Longbottoms being friends of the core group. And Bella! Ugh, nice touch adding her in as a prefect, no less.
Oh, and i think you did just fine putting Sirius' move-in with the Potters here - i think the timing is fine. And James is reining himself in - at Remus suggestion. Good flourish that. Better, tho, is Lily lamenting the loss of James' attention.
Your writing is tight and gramatical (I think you might want to replace wander with wonder tho). Otherwise, I'm pulled into this tale.
Like the flourishes concerning the war too!Author's Response: Yeah, all the changes in Lily, and in James reaction, are needed for the plot, but I'm glad they seemed to fit - i.e. were flourishes rather than eyesores!
I figured that Bella is world class at duelling, and hence was probably pretty magically talented at school. The stretch from that to prefect didn't seem too extreme, and as this story is going to be pretty war heavy, she was too good a character to pass up on!
I wandered into the wander/wonder mistake? I wonder why! Thanks for the heads up - will change when I next edit, which is likely to be pretty soon.
Thanks for all the support on this piece - really encourages me to actually get in gear and WRITE it! Report Review
Ella, this is great. I so HATE tortured love stories like this; that is, I hate how addictive they are and this one is VERY addictive. I can tell that already.
So tragic that she overheard that conversation. And I've a sneaking suspicion that it wasn't exactly a "date the nerd" game Sirius and James were playing. Ugh!
That said, this had me laughing out loud: "Well, that went well"
I loved the opening and how you brought it back around and sewed it up with the ending: "Lily Evans always had and always would hate James Potter; everyone knew that, even him."
I'm favoriting this
EldyAuthor's Response: Glad you liked that line - it's the kind of dry humour that cracks me up, but I'm never sure if it works for anyone else!
Yeah, they definitely weren't playing date the nerd. They were playing "ask out the girl you have a massive crush on, but everyone will think you're pathetic for being rejected by" - a much scarier game. Just needed a good reason for them to be perfect for each other and yet never together, and thus the epic misunderstanding seemed apt.
Ah, yes - the opening and closing lines were the first ones written. Then I just added the minor detail of a plot. Glad you liked it.
Really hope you aren't favouriting it, because I have to admit, I'm not the most regular updater. After all the love during the review fest, I will be continuing it (it almost got changed to "abandoned") but not too quickly. Bad Ella.
Anyways, thanks for the epic review! Report Review
Bahahah. love the prank! Typical Marauders :) Great story so far! I'm really excited to see where you go with it and how you get them together! I'm excited for the next chapter!
musicloverAuthor's Response: Ummm, yeah, I've started work on that! *bites lip anxiously*. I really must get back to this story - all the recent reviews have reminded me why I loved it in the first place!
Thanks for the support, will try to write more soon. Report Review
This is really good!! I love their curiousness (word?) about the war. It really fits in with this story and works well. I didn't even noticed the Sirius year thing it all flowed so well :)
musicloverAuthor's Response: Aww, glad to hear it! I really think that the war needs to be an important part of any seventh year marauders fic - how could it not be, given what we know happens soon after. The Sirius thing seemed fine when I wrote it, but then when I fact checked, I realised it might be out. The devil's in the details!
Thanks for reviewing - made my day! Report Review
I like it!! I don't think i've seen anything like it before which is saying something due to all the J/L fics out there. I really like the idea of Lily liking James, its super unique!
musicloverAuthor's Response: Aww, thanks! I always used to sit there and think "how do you go from hating someone and looking down on them, to being married?" And then I thought, how about if she never really hated him at all? This entire novel/la is the result!
Thanks for the support! Report Review
Remus is of course, the logical and reasonable one, and it seems that James is actually following his advice. I love the Marauders' pranks, and the cover-up where Remus tried to talk about Transfiguration when Professor McGonagall is standing right behind them. Even Lily is picking up on the fact that James is trying to act more mature, and it's sweet that she's losing sleep over it.
-ronhermione4evrAuthor's Response: Aww, I'm glad you liked it. I'm finding it hard to make these characters canon, without being cliched, and so I'm glad you're liking them so far. Better get on with writing some more, I guess!
Thanks for the encouragement! Report Review
Ah, I love the drama with the Marauders. They so remind me of how their kids turn out to be, and it's nice to see your take on how they associated with each other. Remus's joke was nice "She's waxing and waning", since Lily of course doesn't know about his "furry little problem" yet.
-ronhermione4evrAuthor's Response: Yay! That's two people who like my waxing and waning joke - it's sad how much that amused me.
Thanks for taking the time to read and review this - given how long it's been since the last update, I had begun to give up on it, but all the Gryffie love has really encouraged me to give it another go! Report Review
Aw. That's just sad that Lily had just high hopes, and they all were crushed when she heard about the bet between James and Sirius. You have to admit, though, she's tough. I don't think I would've been able to stand up to the boy I loved and tell him that I would never go out with him. Great chapter!
-ronhermione4evrAuthor's Response: Aw, thanks! Not sure if she's tough or just proud, but it's exactly what I would do if I thought someone was making fun of me, and thus not the person I thought he was.
Yeah, this prologue is kinda sad, but then that's how their love story does start, and we all know the ending will be much happier!
Thanks for reviewing this! Report Review
Last chapter posted so far. Must say that the entire thing has managed to impress me quite a bit. I really like it. It's fun and humorous but it has a lot of other aspects involved as well, such as the impending war and the tension between Lily and James.
Your writing is basically amazing. It flows brilliantly throughout the entire story. It all just seems to come naturally and effortlessly (of course, as a fellow author, I know it's anything but without effort! haha). You're doing a fantastic job with this, though. And I seriously commend you for taking such an original idea and writing it as well as you do(:Author's Response: Wow. From you, that's high praise indeed, as your stories always flow perfectly, and manage the whole deep and fun thing too!
Really amazed with the response this particular story has gotten in the last week, and am now feeling like I should actually get on to writing the rest of it - unfortunately, I do have about twenty more chapters to go, as, like you mentioned, this is supposed to cover the war and well as the love.
Still, after all the positive reactions to it, I better get my writing hat back on! Thanks again, even if you have now taken back the lead! Report Review
Another lovely chapter. I want to say again how much I appreciate and love that this is such an original and fresh take on Lily and James. It's a lot of fun to read(:
Lily's character is fantastic. Frankly, I get tired of her when she's characterized to freak out over anything and everything that James says one minute and then jump him in a fit of passion the next. So thankyou, thankyou, thankyou for being different and entertaining me with said difference.Author's Response: Thank you thank you thank you for thinking it IS different - as I said before, the point of this story was to try and write a believable account of this couple, because canon leaves us with an interesting quandary in my opinion. As it's been a while since I got stuck into this, it was really helpful to have you pointing out that aspect, so that I don't go off on a tangent when I come back to it.
Thanks again for reviewing - really feeling the Gryffie love this morning! Report Review
Hey Cappie! You caught up to me in reviews and I am here to give you your well earned five reviews.
I don't read a whole lot of Lily/James, but this really caught my eye. And when I started reading, I realized how different and unique this is. The reason I don't read a lot of Lily/James in the first place is because most of them involve Lily needlessly and unreasonably despising James and becoming an utter monster every time he comes near her. This is, obviously, much different from that. It's refreshingly unique. I really enjoyed it, especially for that reason.
I think that the plot you have set up in this first chapter has excellent potential and I'm excited to see where you take it(:Author's Response: Hee hee - I really will do anything for reviews, huh?
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I'm glad you liked my premise; I've always had an issue with Lily's irrational dislike of James too, and that's part of what this story was all about addressing.
Of course, I can't promise that she won't revert to type a bit in the later chapters, but I see you've reviewed them too - better go check out what you thought!
Thanks for reviewing this - what a lovely thing to wake up to! Report Review
OOH I can't wait for the next chapter!!! This was wonderful! (did you write the Sorting Hat's song yourself? It's really good! I could never do that!) This story is really amusing. Keep up the great work!Author's Response: Aw, thanks! Yes, I did write the sorting song - I've always liked writing rhymes, so that was my favourite bit to do. Glad you're still finding it funny, and will try to get back to this story soon! Report Review
Your artistic liscense is fine! This chapters great, just like the one before it! The dialogue serves the dual purpose of being entertaining AND moving the story along nicely. Great job!Author's Response: Aw, thanks! I've had mixed comments about this, but I really wanted it to be canon compliant, at least at the time I wrote it. Given that my other WIP is a Hermione time-travel fic, I've clearly gotten over that phase!
Always nervous about dialogue, and was particularly unsure about it here, so it means a lot that you picked that to praise - thanks! Report Review
It's so cute when he's trying not to cry! I "AWW"ed out loud! (I think it's you I stole that from) And Sirius is hilarious, as is Remus. Off to read the next chappie now!!!Author's Response: Probably - I awww a lot, though in my defence only when a story is awesome. Yes, I just out cheesed myself.
Thanks for R&R-ing, and I'm glad you found my boys funny - let's face it, that's why we love them! Report Review
Please update soon! This seems likes it's going to turn into a classic Lily/James and I always loves those! And aww, Lily won an argument with James. He reallly is maturing! I can't wait until they finally become friends! And it's nice to see that you didn't forget about Lily's relationship with Severus and even more original to see that her friends don't hate him!
Great job! :DAuthor's Response: Update soon? Darn, I really am going to have to, aren't I? On the plus side, all the new reviews (which have appeared for no particular reason, I'm sure) should help get the creative juices flowing. That is, once I've reviewed a story or two myself... Report Review
Hey! Back again. :)
I liked this chapter too. James seems to have matured. I wonder what it was that Remus talked to him about! I was only going to point out two things, but you pointed out on of them in your authors note already. :P The other thing was that I'm just a bit afraid that you're going to change Lily too much. Low cut shirts, too much make-up, not as much into studies? I think the opposite of those things are part of what makes her, her! You know?
Still, don't get me wrong, I'm greatly enjoying this story! I want to see more of Sirius' personality now! And of course, more James! And oh, PLEASE don't let Lily go out with Amos. :
Keep at it! :DAuthor's Response: Aww, she hasn't really changed... she's just trying to fit in. Trust me, she'll be the Lily you know and love soon enough... that is, if I ever get my backside in gear for long enough to write the next few chapters!
Lily and Amos... well, you'll just have to see! Report Review
Hello there, fellow Gryffie! :D
Aww, this was so cute! It's soo different to read a Lily/James where 1.) Lily not only has a reason to hate James but also 2.) Lily used to have a crush on James! I think it's the second one that makes me like this story so much! I love this story so far. It has great flow and I'm just itching to know what's going to happen in their seventh year!
This was a very nice first chapter. Onwards!!Author's Response: Yay! Glad you liked the idea. To me, it's always seemed strange that someone could legitimately dislike someone for six years, and then marry them two years later. So I thought, hey, what if there was more to it? What if there was a reason Lily kept saying no? And voila... this story was the result!
Hope the next part doesn't disappoint! Report Review
And another great chapter by CapellaBlack! This time I have nothing to be picky about. The transitions between points of view are smooth as can be and your characters are themselves in a very unique, yet canon-esque way!
Post a new chapter soon or I'll perish from curiosity as to what will happen next! Will Potter go back to being the regular git he was or will Remus' words influence his behavior? Ahh, the drama!!!
Hugsies and cookies for you!
~AdrielneAuthor's Response: Nothing? Maybe Henry needs those cookies! Well, I'm utterly chuffed that you liked it so much, although am now feeling guilty, as I haven't even done a full plan for the next chapter yet. Still, clearly this will need to be returned to, as the overall plan is done, and it now apparently has readers! So pleased you liked it, and thanks so much for picking to review it. Speak soon! Report Review
This chapter is even better than the last and it's a smoother read, too! I'm more attached to the characters and I like how you made Sirius fly over to the Potters' instead of taking the Knight Bus, like I've seen in most fics.
It pulled me in and made me want to read more. There is more dialogue, so the descriptions aren't as long and you don't have any formatting issues here. Good job!
~ AdrielneAuthor's Response: Wow - I think even perfectionist Ella could read this without feeling bad, and from you that's saying something, as you only give praise when it's deserved. Yippee - am suddenly feeling like I might not completely abandon this fic! Thanks for the gryffie love! Report Review
The first paragraph of this chapter made me immediately fall in love with it. But I can't go all lovey-dovey over your story, can I now? ;) So here's the cruel critique!
Firstly, there is no unusual plot twist in this chapter. There's few things beyond that first paragraph that would convince me to read this story over any other.
Secondly, the descriptive paragraphs are way too long and they appear to be quadruple-spaced. You could break them into two or three smaller paragraphs each, making them more interesting and less of a bother to read.
Thirdly, you could add some more humor to this. The first paragraph is a promise of a humorous chapter and the rest lowers the standard a bit.
But it was still a great read and it's the "Ella is such a wonderful writer, she should show it off more by making her stories absolutely perfect!!!" side of me that's omplaining ;)
Hugs full of Gryffie love and support,
~ AdrielneAuthor's Response: OK, give me a moment to put perfectionist Ella in the corner, cause she doesn't deal with criticism well...
Thanks for the review, as given how little I'm feeling this story, it really does need some work doing on it to make it draw me back in. I'll definitely have a look at the lack of humour, and see if I can use this as a means of breaking up the descriptive areas. As for plot twists, I'm not sure I want to change the story itself, but I could certainly try and give it a rework in order to make what I am saying seem less obvious from the start - get a little misdirection going.
Anyways, thanks for reading, and giving me something to think about! Report Review
I just wanted to tell you that you are a REALLY good writer. I also really love your story Just Malfoy. Have you considered, like, really writing? Real stuff? Not that writing HPFF is bad, it's GOOD it keeps me entertained but you could really do good i think. Write stuff for people who aren't cool enough to love Harry Potter! Sure they're not like us but they're people too and they deserve to bask in your glory as well. So yeah. I just wanted to let you know that you're REALLY good. Keep being so cool.Author's Response: Wow, so you are my new favourite person! I would love to write 'real' stuff, but I don't think I've got what it takes...yet. However, while people like you keep encouraging me, I'll keep loving to write on here, and hopefully that'll help me work out the parts that need improving.
Thanks so much for your kind words, and for reading my stuff in the first place! Report Review
Back again! (:
Okay, I'm going to warn you now. When I really get into reviewing a story, I can sometimes get a little abrasive. :P But I'm not trying to bash you or your story, and I can assure you that everything that I say or suggest is constructive.
Now, I can see where you're getting your concerns.
First off: the flow, grammar, and vocabulary of this chapter was just as good as the first. I really don't think the technical stuff is going to be a problem with you.
Secondly: Your character development is coming along nicely. This is only the second chapter and I already have a decent idea of Lily, James, and Sirius. Making sure the readers understand your characters is very important.
Third thing: Before you go any further into this story, you need to plan it out. Either in your head, or on paper- you just need to do it. You cannot enjoy writing a story if you don't know where it's headed; it just turns into a scary, confusing, frustrating mess.
I believe that if you map it all out in your head, and really think about what you want from this story- it will be a lot more fun to write. Also, I love the concept of Lily having a crush on James, it's very original.
Another recommendation would be that you make this a short story instead of dragging it out for ages. Maybe 10-15 chapters? If you have an idea of how long it's going to be, that also helps get the creative juices going.
I really hope I helped! I would love it if you'd re-request on my forum topic after you get the ball rolling again. Please let me know if my rambling aided you in your writing at all. xD I honestly enjoyed reading your story so far, it has a lot of potential.
JesiAuthor's Response: This has been very helpful indeed! I definitely need to go back to the story plan for this before doing anything else. See, when I started it, it was supposed to be novel length, and I think that's where a lot of my disinterest is coming from. Perhaps going back and simplifying the plot down to novella length (i.e. 10-15 chapters) would help me get over this block, and thus make me happier to write it.
I also need to sit down and get to know these characters again - in my hurry to get my other story finished, I kinda forgot about them, but this review has reminded me of all the thought that went into planning them out. Maybe spending some time trying to get back into their heads generally, rather than immediately ploughing on with the plot, would help recapture my muse.
Anyways, now I'm rambling! Thanks very much for all the insightful advice and encouraging comments - I'll definitely re-request once I get this back on track! Report Review
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