Please update its so interesting MA Report Review
OMg im a muslim to and I didnt see anything about muslims either :( i love this please update Report Review
Oh my gosh. I love it. :) 10/10 for the epic unique story. Report Review
Hello! Me again.
Well, let's get started: there are some issues at the beginning of this chapter and throughout it with sentence structure. You get bogged down in the sentence and forget words or skip over important details and then I have to reread things to understand where you're going. So maybe double-check about that. :] For instance, at the beginning, one of yoru missteps: you have a sentence that says something about Jill putting her "arms on her hips" instead of her hands on her hips. Just things like that. So...check it out. :]
Another thing: in one of your responses to my reviews, you said that Hiba and Jill were supposed to be Hufflepuffs, but here they're in Ravenclaw. So the letter where the prefect who left school was in Hufflepuff...she should have also been in Ravenclaw? :P I don't know which you want them to be in, just remember to be consistent.
The characters! Well, I love them to say the least. Neither Hiba nor Jill are Mary-Sues, which is awesome. They're good characters and their emotions are described quite well. I think you're doing a great job.
The plot seems pretty good too. It will be interesting to see where Hiba goes from here and how she ends up with Remus, despite her religion. And how she deals with being a prefect! Very good story idea. I think you've got something brilliantly original and I like that a lot.
Keep up the good work, and maybe throw in some more descriptions, and you'll be golden. Great job!
--Emily Report Review
Another good chapter! Though I do have more constructive criticism about this one than the last...let's get started, shall we?
Well, I like the characterization again. I love that there was sort of a double-standard with Hiba and Ali according to their mother. Hiba was reprimanded, but Ali was allowed to do what he wanted. That's very culturally accurate, even if you didn't mean for it to be.
Hiba was consistent again, as was her brother. I can totally relate to her on how annoying little siblings can be. The parents were good as well. Jill seems like a great foil to Hiba--hyper and dramatic instead of quiet and reserved. Good job. And it's very Remus-like to help someone in need. How sweet. :] Though it's a total cliche that he just has this obsession with the healing qualities of chocolate...
The premise of this story is a little bit farfetched. If someone DID leave Hogwarts, I don't think that Dumbledore would worry too much about replacing them as a prefect. And in the last chapter you said that the girl who left was a Hufflepuff, but Hiba is a Ravenclaw who is replacing her. Um...what? Wouldn't another Hufflepuff get the position?
Continuing: things seem pretty solid. Hiba knows that people notice her headscarf, though I never knew that Hogwarts was so prejudiced! Most people wouldn't really care...but I guess this WAS set in Marauders-Era, maybe it was more dramatic then.
Overall, another good chapter. I'll read the third ASAP! Good job!
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Hey, thanks for the review again!
I'm glad you liked the characterization again, and the fact that you find Jill as a foil to Hiba in someways, it was intended that they would be different, but at the same time have some similarities.
As for Dumbledore, yes you are right that Dumbledore wouldn't be 'that' worried about replacing a prefect, but he wasn't worried about that. He was just remembering that he wanted Hiba to do that position so he might "change" her a bit and give her more confidence. But I would have to check that part again in case I made him seem too worried, thanks for letting me know! As for the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw thing, yes I have noticed my mistake! I will be editing that soon hopefully, Hiba is supposed to be a Hufflepuff, and so is Jill.
As for people noticing her head-scarf, it is something new for them, because it's the first time they've seen a student in Hogwarts wearing one before, so they all kind of notice it (but as I said in one of the chapters I think, only the new and younger students stare, the older students kind of got over it).
All in all, thanks for the review and feedback! Report Review
Hullo there! This is DarkRose from the forums, here with your reviews. :D
Well, let's start off with chapter one! And we'll begin with your author's note at the beginning. I usually have absolutely no reason to comment on these, but I thought you might want to know that you say that what is in bold will be in Arabic, but you really mean what's in italics. In case someone would get confused by that. :]
Moving on: I like the characterization of everyone. It's a good dichotomy that you have with Hiba's mother being uptight and her father being relaxed. I like that a lot. We'll see if it continues.
Hiba herself is quite consistent which I like. I can't decide how I feel about her yet, but she seems far out of Mary-Sue land, especially with the very unique and interesting fact that she's a Muslim. Intriguing. :] The one thing I might comment on concerning her religion: is it okay for her to use curse words? Like...there's nothing that religiously prevents that, right? I don't know, I'm just asking you. :]
REALLY cool making Hassan Mostafa her cousin. CANON CANON CANON! :D I love when authors work things like that in. Super cool.
We'll see how the rest of the story goes, but right now things seem to be progressing smoothly and interestingly. I like how this chapter went and I'll read the next one ASAP!
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Hello there!
Haha, yes I've noticed that, I will be editing it soon enough!
I'm glad you like the characterization of everyone! As for the curse-words, I think it's alright for them to use "some" words but not all like the bigger curse words that I can't mention here. But I don't think using curse words is a big sin for them (but however they can't constantly use them, especially, as I said before, the bigger and foul curse words), if that made any sense. :P
Thanks! I love how you noticed Hassan Mostafa is canon. :D
Thanks for the review! Report Review
This story makes me feel at home! *cuddles* I am also Muslim, so I really understand this! Finally, someone who writes about Muslims, not caring about what people say to them!!! Author's Response: Hey! Aww I'm glad it makes you feel at home! *cuddles back* Yes, I wanted to something different, and thus chose the main character as a Muslim. :)
Thanks for the review! Report Review
Wow, I love the cultural bit you've added to this! Really creative work, and I like the title of the story as well (:Author's Response: Hey, I'm glad you like the cultural bit and the title, it was my intention to have some culture in this story and make it a bit different. Thanks for the review! :) Report Review
It’s so funny that she was disgusted by the fact Jill thought her brother as gorgeous and Dumbledore is so sweet but he’s always sweet to everyody and to characters who are abit different. So is this going to be a Remus/OC well tough luck with that I’m sure it’s gonna be difficult but maybe possible seeing she’s from a different culture, different religion. Her brother is on the same school I’m sure he will tell her parents who are not going to be extremely happy. He’s a werewolf most people don’t view werewolfs as normal you know. And she seems very insecure nect to the fact she’s from a different house. Goo luck! I’m curious how you are going to handle this.Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for the review! Yep, I have a lot in store for this story, just been busy lately. Things may seem impossible thus far, indeed, and it migt take a long time before something big to happen. But I won't say anything further on that point. :) xxx Report Review
Wasn’t Hiba a hufflepuff instead of a ravenclaw? You said the weird Ravenclaw girl or something like that. The fact that Lupin has a chocolate bar is so typical him and the fact he seemed scared to her I’m sure it’s because of the werewolf thing instead of her Maybe he’s afraid that she will judge him if she find out. Jill is such a great and sweet friend a true hufflepuff, very loyal. Are they Hufflepuff’s or Ravenclaws actually? Her dad was so sweet and it was so sweet an so typical he was worried abou the fact her brother would get in trouble ( detentions) Her mom seems sweet but a bit stern. Report Review
Wow why haven’t I seen this before? How could I not have seen thsis before. I applaud you for making such a story * bows*. Seeing as a muslim ( who doesn’t wear a hijab but does want to wear one eventually) I love the fact you write about something like this. Also the family connections seems so familiar even though I’m not an arab I’ve seen it before. Your story is one of the most creative and orignal story on this site. Are you an muslim or arab yourself ( my best friend is an arab you see but she’s a christian)) or are you just familiar with the culture?
I love your banner btw and the name I’ve never heard of it before actually. And there was also some mistake were instead of his hair you said is hair or something similiar. Up to the next chapter! Report Review
Sorry for being late! First of all: I LOVE Remus/OC stories. Wooo! Also, I think at the very beginning when you said Arabic was in “bold” you meant to say “italic.” :)
Characterisation: I felt like the letter from Dumbledore was a bit off... It seemed a little to informal and not quite like him (he may have been informal with Harry, but I always got the impression that he was rather business-like with other students). Maybe just change a sentence or two. Like, instead of “very sorry for informing you this late,” say “We are sorry for any inconvenience this late notice might have caused.” :shrugs: Just a thought! In the other scene though, he was perfect.
I really like Hiba though, I'm not gonna lie. It's so rare to see OCs of different nationalities and race. There's so much you can do with this! :D The dialogue is strong and the other characters seem very solid and realistic. Oh and the interactions between her and her brother crack me up. :P Very sibling-esque.
Flow: Great! Not too fast, not too slow. Awesome!
Plot: I don't really know enough about what's going to happen, but your extremely rare OC is enough to make what could be a cliché Marauder/OC story really interesting. Can't wait to see what you're gonna do with it!
Technical: Also fantastic! No major spacing, spelling, grammar, punctuation errors that I was able to pick out.
If you need more advice, just PM me and we can over it in more detail. :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for your help! I realise that I took an awful long time to respond, but I will certainly PM you if I need help! xxx Report Review
Wow this is an amazing story. I really enjoyed it, and I like the different perspective this is written from. Only one thing; I think I would have enjoyed it even more if you had made this a Next Gen story instead of a Marauders Era story :) I have to ask; are you Arab yourself since you know all these phrases ?
10/10 Emilie :)Author's Response: Thanks, Emilie! I'm glad you liked it! Hm, a Next Gen? I have to agree, but you see it would be easier to right this kind of story back in those days, then in 2020 or something - because by that time things would be really different, so it's easier to write it in an earlier era. I guess that's why I chose Marauders' era. :) But then again, I DID consider making it a Next Gen story in the beginning. Oh, and yes I am Arab. :)
Thanks for the review and rating! Report Review
Hullo there, LMW back with your request and I was excited to read more of this story.
I definitely think that you have a good amount of originality going on with the plot; I like Hibba a lot and I think she has a personality we all recognize as readers. That being said, I think that she is still a little flat. Her fear is clear, her passion and love of her culture is clear, her opinions of Maraduers and all are clear but I just wonder like why is she in Ravenclaw? Why is it okay with her religion to have magic and Allah be such a huge part of her life? How does she interact with people outside her comfort zone--outside of Jill and maybe Ernie?
With time, you can help build a character and plot but I think you are doing well to integrate her culture and Hogwarts; like I loved the blip about her oversleeping and not worrying about her hair. It is a clear way to get the reader to see, for example, why it would be a bonus to wear a Hijab.
Your plot is a bit boring in this chapter; I feel like Hiba's nervousness may have been a bit overextended but overall, it was all right. I'm more intrigued to see her in class maybe or how she deals with First Years looking at her. Your flow and pacing works, but I may add a bit more detail or action even though it is early. Such slow pace could deter readers.
Overall, I don't think it was a bad chapter--just more of a filler. Best of luck and I hope any CC helps. You really have a potentially awesome story on your hands.
LMWAuthor's Response: Thanks once again for the helpful review! :) Report Review
Nothing to mention here again.
I thought Hiba was in Hupplepuff! Why else would she replace the Hupplepuff prefect?
Anyway, that's not very important haha.
I think Dumbledore's character is written much better here than in the letter.
Well to be honest, there isn't a lot of actual plot happening yet. I suppose it's still a bit early. Hmm, so I'm not really sure whether I can make any comments here.Author's Response: Haha, no she isn't in Hufflepuff, she's in Ravenclaw. Yes, a Hufflepuff wasn't replaced with Amy Robins because Dumbledore found that none of the other Hufflepuff girls had enough responsibilty to be in such an important position, and if you read this part in this chapter, Dumbledore told her he wanted her to be a prefect before, but he knew she'd refuse.
Thanks, it was easier to write him when he's actually there than in a letter, for some reason. :/
Oh don't worry, things will get better soon, I assure you. After all, they had only just came back to Hogwarts. :) Report Review
Nothing wrong here! :)
'duck-like features.' haha this description amuses me to no end for some reason.
'They found us weird, me for my head-scarf and Jill for her inelegance.' this would include Lily right? I just can't see her character being so insensitive.
I like Lupin's characterization! He seems so adorable. :)
Again, I am just really worried that the entire story is more about the hijab than about Hiba herself! It seems to crop up in every other paragraph and I'm really just worried that it is going to swallow both her and the plot line! Like I said in my last review I want to see more of the story and her actualy character, because I really do find this to be an original idea! :)Author's Response: Hi again,
no Lily isn't included, she isn't in her House - I was referring to their other Ravenclaw dorm mates in that sentence.
Thanks, I love Lupin haha.
About the Hijab, well that is sort of part of her, and it really is important to mention it, as she's the only one in Hogwarts wearing it, so she would feel out of place. It also is very important to her, and that's why I tend to mention at times. :) Report Review
Hello! Mintleaf with your review. :)
'I had is hair.' His hair?
Besides that little error and a few more itty bitty ones you're all on track!
The letter seems a little bizarre. It doesn't seem like Dumbledore would have written like that! But also, why would she have turned down the position?
I liked the 'Hassan Mostafa' reference, it was subtle but good!
To be honest, I was a little cautious when reading this. Religion isn't generally a topic that crops up in the world of hpff, and I was hoping it wouldn't be too... 'in your face' (for lack of a better phrase).
That being said, a couple of passages did make me just a touch uncomfortable, but hear me out about it!!! So, I really like all your characters and like everyone else has said it's a really original idea... but, I personally feel like you aired out some beliefs a little too much. I just don't want the religious aspect to outweight the story aspect. I mean, of course it is part of the character but at the moment it almost seems like that is ALL Hiba has to offer as a character. I hope she becomes more of a person whose religion is PART of herself but not ALL of it. (I hope you don't take offence to this, I really didn't mean it in that way!)
Anyway, I'll keep reading because I want to see where the plot actually goes! :)Author's Response: Hey,thanks for the review.
Yeah I guess I need to re-write Dumbledore's letter, when I re-read it wasn't very Dumbledore-like.
Hmm, yeah I understand about the religion thing, but I'm not really going to focus on the religion aspect in this story only. Her beliefs would be vital for the plot later on, and that's why I had to point out some of her beliefs. And I understand what you mean, but her religion sort of shapes her character, and that's why it's different for her than other characters, if you know what I mean. ^^ Report Review
I agree with the rest of the comments...upload more!!!
I literally squealed when I saw you uploaded a new chapter.
Anywho, I think this chapter is great and I have a feeling this is foreshadowing that Hiba will become more outgoing. ^^Author's Response: Hey again, thanks for the review!
I'm glad you liked it. Haha, don't worry, the next chapter is already written, and I'd be posting it soon. :)
OMG this is SO good!
Pleaase update ASAP!!! :DAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review!
I will be posting the next chapter soon! :) Report Review
i love this!
its so different, but intresting!, PLEASE UPDATE!
Author's Response: Hey, thanks for the review!
Dont worry, I've written the next chapter, I just have to post it up for validation! :) Report Review
Sorry this took longer then expected...real life :(
Anyway to your story.
I like your characters, I think they are all believable and written fairly well considering most are OCs. I thought the sibling rivalry at the beginning of chap1 was good.
I thought there was a good amount of detail, you have clearly researched and thought about this lots. In fact some of it I recognised from my religious education lessons and thought 'oh yeah, I remember that' :)
I loved your emotions on what it is like being her at Hogwarts, how people stare and how she feels about being under the Hijab - that was right, Hijab I don't remember THAT MUCH from R.E ;)
I liked Jill as a character and I also liked how you wrote Lupin at the end of this one. :D I was thinking 'Aww!'
Overall I liked it, it was written well, flow was good and I enjoyed what I read.
Well done :)
HannahAuthor's Response: Hello, Hannah! :) It's not a problem, I totally understand! I myself have taken a long time to even respond the my reviews. :)
Thanks for the review, I found it very helpful! :) xx Report Review
Hey, there! Toujours Padfoot from the forums here for your review.
I love that this is so new and original. I haven't seen many stories about Muslims on HPFF, and Hiba is a likable, refreshing character. I think you are handling the depiction very well. The characters are very much like anybody else, but they've got this exotic flavor I'm not used to, and it takes me away into your story. I can see everything around me, and hear everyone. I especially like Hiba's mother and the fact that she cooks manually instead of using magic, because God gave her two hands and she should not be lazy just because she was blessed with magic. I feel that she is a stern woman, but also very warm. And Hiba, it seems, is wonderfully awkward. I feel like I know her pretty well already, and not because you TOLD us, but because you SHOWED us. It was effortless characterization.
My only CC is that in the very last paragraph, you used 'Mum' instead of Mama. I think that since you used 'Mama' for the rest of the chapter, you should keep it that way for consistency. But really, that's my own opinion. I don't know if Muslim families in England use both terms. If they do, then by all means, disregard this. Really, though, I thought this was a fantastic start. A definite kick from the norm. It has a certain spice to it that captures my interest.
Well done. :)
Toujours PadfootAuthor's Response: Thanks you so much for the review! It was very helpful, and I'm glad you liked it! I'll be sure to ask for future requests from you! :)
~13/03/11 Report Review
This was an interesting second chapter to read. I thought you did a pretty solid job of establishing good relations in this chapter.
The beginning was solid with the early morning start before heading to King's Station and all of its teasings between the siblings. I also liked that their mom tends to pick on Hiba more. I think that that is very believable especially with the Arab culture.
Her Baba is very sweet and endearing especially to read about in his concern for his children. Ali better not get more detentions; though, at 15, I doubt that it will not happen.
Your flow worked well for this story and I think you introduced Jill and Remus into the story before well. I loved that you had Remus giving the chocolate to her; it was very PoA but I did love it.
I also thought that Jill was a believable best friend for Hiba (Hibs) to have! I am glad that you made her seem very typical girl though. All the accusations and theories that she spewed out were fun to read about.
Overall, I thought you did a good job with this chapter. You got a little wordy in some areas but I didn't spot any typos in this chapter.
LMWAuthor's Response: Again, thank you so much for this amazingly wonderful review! Very helpful again! :)
And I'm telling you now that watch out for my future requests, because I'll be stalking you for more!! :P
Thanks! :) Report Review
Hullo there, LMW from the forums with your requested reviews.
First off, I will be among the others to applaude you for taking some creative initative to start what appears to be an original story. I can't be sure that this is the only story with Arabic characters; it may be the only one with Arabic main characters though.
I think your flow works for majority of the chapter; at times, it seems to get caught up with lengthy sentences and declarative sentences. You tend to have variety but it comes in choppy blocks of either type. For future chapters, I would reccomend maybe trying to fuse the two types.
I also like that you do some Arabic and English for the sake of the readers so they can be able to understand what is going on. And its good that you point it out.
I think that Hiba and Ali seem like typical siblings even in spite of cultural differences. It helps to unifty the human experience which I think is a good thing to bring up especially with the magical world the way it is.
According to my Baba, I had is hair.-- his hair.
Just as I was aiming my book at her, the door flew open and there stood my brother, with a cheeky grin playing on his slips.-- his lips
Those were two typos that I idefnitifed. There were a few other instances of lack of a comma where there should be one and maybe some length-y sentences. Overall, the grammar was not bad and did not really detract from the story.
I think you have a good start on your hands.
LMWAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! You're review was very helpful, and I'm glad you think that this story is original - as it was my intention to start up something fresh and new. :)
Again thank you so much for the review! Report Review
Wow, this is the most original fanfiction I've ever had the pleasure of reading! I'm not even exaggerating. I was intrigued when I saw the banner--the picture of the girl wearing a hidjab. I'm Arabic, so I was really excited to see this! I'm not actually moslim, but I do recognize almost everything you've plugged in.
I'm super excited about this, I really truly am.
I actually live in America, and though the country has its flaws, I thank God that my family immigrated here from Syria. I don't know if I'd be able to live the way they do. I'm too much of a free spirit, ya know? Not to mention the fact that my family's christian.
ANYWAY. My point is, even though I'm not a moslim in the middle east, I *am* Arabic and I really like how you've incorporated the culture into your story. I think the best part about all of this is that you've correctly described and explained many facets of being Arabic. Aside from a few spelling and mechanical errors here and there, this is fantastic. It's fantastic anyway.
I'm babbling, aren't I?
You're amazing, and this story is amazing. Thank you so much for writing and sharing it! Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much for your kind words, honestly! :) You're making me blush! haha
And I totally agree, the Arabic culture does have a big influence on religion, and I know for a fact that they are two different things.
And no you're not babbling!! Honestly I'm thrilled you liked this! You're amazing! :D I'm also happy that you're excited for this story, I have many, many ideas in store for it, that even I'm getting excited! xD
And thank you so much for taking the time to review, I hope I can hear from you again in the coming chapters! :)
~13/03/11 Report Review
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