Well hello there!! A while back you requested a review in my review thread for this story. Sorry it had taken me this long, but here I am :)
Soo…where to begin.
“Or perhaps egomaniacal boy-meets over-achiever-girl.” Hahaha best line!!!
Wow okay so the heartache is definitely there…but there has to be more. James doesn’t really seem in canon here and I know that at the beginning of the story that you said this disregarded Voldemort, but even then he would still be himself right? Let me explain, James in this fic is not sad enough. Lily is gone and she I never coming back, a fact which should tear him apart. Make his heart bleed out onto the page. He’s too…quiet if that makes sense. Not verbally of course, but mentally he should be an utter and complete mess. Haha but maybe I am reading too much into this. :)
I did really like the list of flashbacks. They gave us a lot more of Lily and showed the reader how much he cared (while still be himself). The flashbacks are leaning more towards canon James.
Okay so I have to get canon out of my head but I can’t!! Sorry.
But this is very well written, don’t get me wrong. There are a few typos but a beta or even you looking over it could spot those and fix them. I really like the dialogue that you write. Most of the time it’s the other way around and I like people’s discriptions, but I like your dialogue more because it’s…real I guess is the right word. It is almost written with the ease with which a person speaks, while still being grammatically correct.
OMFDP (oh my frozen dairy products): “And then to the both of them, reality was just a ripple in the ocean.” that is the best ending line of a story ever!! Holy mother of god, talk about ending well :)
Hope you enjoy this :)
PPAuthor's Response: hey there :)
I'm sorry I haven't responded for such a long time. I just haven't got around to it (I'm sure you know how that goes!!)
but thank you a million times over for such a great review!
okay. so I think I know what you mean with the whole James not seeming canon thing. you're right- he's not broken enough. I can definately fix that. thanks for pointing it out!
I see what you mean as well with the typos. those can get fixed, too :)
I'm glad you enjoyed it! I was really debating about what to do with that last line- I'm so happy it made an impression on you!
thanks again so much for the review!
see you around!
~EBP Report Review
OMG i don't know what to say it was beautiful ! keep writing and keep people like me reading ;D !!!Author's Response: thank you! I'm so glad you liked it :)
I hope you'll keep reading,
~EnnaBellaPotter Report Review
Hello, WeasleyTwins here to review! I'm on Spring Break and, as usual, I have nothing to do, so here I am.
Before I begin the review, I have a few things that I would like to point out that I believe will benefit you in the long run. In your summary, you have an author's note that goes something like, "I have disregarded JKR's world, meaning there is no Voldemort, Harry was not born, and Lily and James did not die at 21." Cut this out, delete it out of the summary and put it in an author's note at the beginning of your chapter. Why, you might ask me? I know that seems unappealing, but it will work to your advantage. A summary needs to be powerful, quick and most importantly, eye-catching. You don't need to tell readers that you have ignored everything in J.K. Rowling's world until they click on the chapter to read it. Why, you might ask again? Because once a reader has clicked upon a chapter to read it, they are going to read it anyways, regardless of what you have done to the original world - this is what the summary is for. In essence, you don't even need that author's note at all. You are a writer and as long as you credit JKR and say that the HP universe is not yours, you may spin it, twirl and twist it however you want to fit your own needs.
Okay, now to the review. I do not want to hurt your feelings in any way, but I believe that honesty is the best policy and thus, I am here. The basic plotline is one that I have seen many times before: death and how those left behind cope with it. Death is a daily occurance and we that are left upon this earth must recognize that life cannot continue until we grieve and reach a certain amount of peace. Now, this goes hand-in-hand with originality. Just because I have seen this type of story many times does mean that I have read YOUR story. And, in fact, I haven't. I have a great respect for JKR and the world which she created, but I also have a great respect for you. I love that you completely disregarded her plotline to suit your needs. You started the piece of strong. The description was real; nature's grievance fit perfectly with James's emotional state. Sirius's small part in this one-shot kept it grounded to reality, so that we know James isn't floating along, an unhappy being. Afterall, life does go on.
Now, as to organization, I didn't really approve of how you illustrated the examples with the "10. Love like there's no tomorrow." Yet, as a fellow writer, I understand that it is difficult to find a way to organize them in such a way that complements the story. Until you receive more suggestions on that, I would leave it as is.
One last thing before I wrap up my review. You really started off the piece strong, and I'm not trying to rewrite your story, but I feel that having James walk off the pier into a fog with a tear rolling down his face would really bring the story around completely instead of leaving it hanging. Once again, I'm not trying to rewrite your story, but you start the piece off in the present with James looking back to memories and just feel that you would do better to end in some sort of fashion as you began. Just a suggestion, if you agree with me or would like help, just PM me on the forums - I am glad to help in any way that I can!
Overall, I truly enjoyed the piece. I believe that you have great potential and the depth of this one-shot is just...beautiful. Also, I love that the little memories don't show much into what was going on at the time, yet they are of great importance to James. For what reason, we don't really know and sometimes, we didn't understand. In my opinion, if a reader has enough sense, they will see a profound meaning within this story.
Shelby.Author's Response: Shelby,
First of all, an apology for taking so long to reply is in order :) I'm sorry!
Second of all, thank you! You're advice is extraordinary. Unfortunately, I don't have enough time now to reply to every single point you had, but overall you have NO idea how helpful this review is and will be in the future. I agree with most everything you said, and like I said before, I just really needed an honest opinoin on this oneshot. And that's exactly what I got! So thank you for opening my eyes :)
In the future, I'll always have this advice in mind and hopefully I'll be able to apply it to TTITYTM really soon!
So, thank you again!
And I'm glad you at least liked it a little lol :p
~Emma Report Review
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