Excellent story so far. I really like it! Please update soon!!Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing! While I don't have another chapter written as of yet, I'm definitely planning to, and I'm planning on re-formatting the story very soon. :)
Thanks again! Report Review
I really enjoyed seeing both sides of the confession, Ron was really in character, I thought you did a really good job of Rose and Al being there for her :)
I really like the flash backs Scorpius experiances in relation to his father and all that. I thought you did a really good job of describing what they would have gone through. And it's interesting because you touch on quite a debate, and you can't help but feel sad/bad for the Malfoy family. Good job :)
Good job! This is really interesting so keep up the excellent work!
Thanks so much for competing in my challenge, it means a lot to me and I am so glad it gave me the opportunity to read your stories.
xxAuthor's Response: Thank you for another great review! I'm sorry it took me a while to respond.
I'm glad that you liked both parts of the confession--I was a bit unsure about switching POVs so much, and I'm considering dividing their parts into two chapters.
Wow, you felt pity for the Malfoys? Yay! Putting in the flashbacks was just a spur-of-the-moment thing I thought of while writing the chapter, so I'm gald that you thought it worked.
Thank you for making the challenge and for the great reviews!
--propertyoftheHBP Report Review
Wow, you certainly shift perspectives, don't you? It's nice to have the whole picture, but it isn't entirely necessary. I think that I would prefer if it were either third person omniscient, Al's perspective, or Scorpius's. All three is much too overwhelming. At least, in my honest opinion.
I understand why you did it, but I think that perhaps you should just focus on the Potters or Malfoys. Eventually, maybe Draco could have had a run-in with Ron or Rose or even Albus, and had expressed his opinions.
I do think the reactions of both Rose's and Scorpius' parents were realistic. I do think Ron and Draco would take it worse than Hermione or Astoria. However, I do think that Astoria would be more understanding. Though, we know nothing of her, so she may have reacted the way you had her react. In my mind, she would be a bit more maternal.
Having her the way you portrayed her, though, it makes sense why she would fit into the cookie cutter Malfoy family.
I'm starting to like Albus a bit more, but I don't really understand why he wants to be so against his family. Sure, Ron's a git, sometimes, but I never thought Harry was that bad. A bit annoying, but not horrid.
Ah well, that's life, I guess. We'll never fully understand everyone's motives, but they'll have them regardless.
As far as spelling and grammar go, I didn't pick up on any snafu's. So good job there!
This seems like a highly original and interesting plot. It will be interesting to see where you take this.
Good luck! It will be intriguing to see how this story develops.
LindersAuthor's Response: I think how I'm going to handle this is to either scrap Scorpius's section completely and just use it as character background information for me or to use it as a flashback later on.
Oh, I'm glad that you liked the reactions! When writing the chapter, it's something I struggled with. I'm trying to relate Astoria more to the pureblooded families than to an overly loving and caring mother--there'll probably be more development on her part later on, but for right now I think that she's just in shock and going along with Draco.
Al's just really resentful at how he feels he's been pressured. HE thinks that Harry's been horrid, but has never been bothered to say anything. Because Al has never voiced his unhappiness, Harry hasn't seen a need to change his attitude. It's a rather ugly circle, isn't it?
As always, it's good to hear that there are no ugly typos. :)
Thank you for the great reviews on this! I'll hopefully begin totally redoing it before the queue closure. Report Review
Hmm, I have to be honest I didn't like the shift in narrators from third person to first. It seemed rather. . .abrupt and odd. No offense. Though, it is interesting to see Albus's perspective on things.
I laughed, brushing it off. “Nope, I’m fine. Great, actually. I’ve just been…thinking recently.” Really recently, I thought to myself.
She smiled, “That’s nice to hear, I knew you had a brain in there somewhere.” - That line made me laugh. It definitely sounds like Ron and Hermione arguing. I think that's what amused me or something Ginny would say to Harry. So thanks for the laugh.
I'm going to be honest. This chapter seemed to drag on. I know that you couldn't just jump from the train to the diplomas, but it just seemed to go on and on for no plausible plot reason.
As far as the characterizations go, I was impressed. I really liked Ron's reaction to Rose. It seems Canon. My only concern is that everyone seems to have forgotten Hugo. Perhaps, he'll be remembered soon. ;) I'm sure Hugo wouldn't approve of Scorpius, either.
But maybe he's not as biased as Ron.
Albus is a little brat, though. I really don't like him. I think someone needs to punch him, but that's simply my opinion on him. Maybe he'll become more bearable.
As far as spelling and grammar go, again, I didn't find any errors. So kudos there!
Off I go to the next chapter.
LindersAuthor's Response: With the formatting change I'm going to make sometime soon, the perspective swith will hopefully seem much less abrupt. Then after that, we'll be staying with Al for at least ten more chapters, probably, give or take a few.
I'm glad you liked that line! There are always a couple in a chapter that I have fun writing, I'm glad that you noticed that one. :)
Like the last, it is a really long chapter. I'll probably split it up into two, and then take out some of the in-between material that was written to bridge the train ride and the Weasley's house.
Hugo, Hugo, Hugo. >.< When I wrote this, I was struggling with writing him for some reason. When I edit it, a lot more mentions/dialogue from him him will be thrown in for sure. And I think he's more on the side of his mother regarding Scorpius. :)
I highly doubt that Al will become more bearable. :D I'm quite glad that you dislike him, actually, because he's not going to turn out to be a lovable character. At least, I hope no readers will be loveydovey over him. ;) Report Review
All right, I have a criticism first. I do think that perhaps this should be split up a bit more. It seems like a lot to digest, especially for a prologue. I realize that a background is important, but I don't think it had to entail such a huge chunk of Albus's life. However, this is only my humble opinion. I prefer the 'show don't tell' option, which means you can slip in these details a bit more subtlety.
The characterizations, I thought, were spot on. I particularly liked the part where Lily asks Harry if she actually has to eat what Hagrid sent. I don't blame the girl. I wouldn't really want to eat them, either. He wasn't the best cook, as she pointed out.
I do like that your Albus is different from the other Albus's I've seen. He definitely wants to be a Gryffindor a bit too badly, but I wouldn't say that was something that wasn't canon. Especially after how he reacted on the Platform in the epilogue.
I also like Laria. She seems like she has great potential in becoming quite an interesting character. I can't wait to see more of her.
To be honest, I don't like Rose or Scorpius. At least, not yet. What we've seen of them made me wrinkle my nose. Rose irritates me. She's too much like her mum (and I've always hated Hermione.)
As far as spelling and grammar go, I didn't see any noticeable errors. So, kudos there. I appreciate stories that have that polished look.
LindersAuthor's Response: Again, thanks for the wonderfully lengthy reviews, and I'm sorry I haven't been able to respond quicker--I want to be able to get all the points, and I've been rather busy lately. :)
After reading these reviews, and others left, I think I've come to a decision on how I'm continuing--or rather, reformatting--the story. I have to check the site rules on reposting a little further, but if I can, every flashback here will be posted as a single chapter, making "Part One" of the story, Al's Hogwarts years. I'll add more flashbacks so it seems more like we're really witnessing his Hogwarts years instead of being thrown an onslaught of information.
I'm glad that you liked the characterizations, and Lily as well. She's one of my favorites to write, so far. :) Al is very different, and that will be shown even more as the story progresses. I'm glad that you like Laria, I was afraid that she might come off as the beginnings of a Sue in this chapter. Rose and Scorpius are going to be some of the main characters, so they'll be developed a lot more as the story goes on--but Rose is intended to be like her mother, so I guess I've succeeded there? :D
I like this chapter better than the first I think, it is better worded and seems to flow better. So good job on that!
I like that we are getting to know Laria better, it really gives your story more depth by developing the OCs.
I like how Al decides he is going to live life for himself, this really brings round what you were demonstrating in the first chapter, you did a really good job making connections and developing your story.
I really liked the whole part about OWLS, about him having to give up on the courses he really enjoyed. You have really written a different type of Albus then which I am really enjoying.
Arthur Weasley is really well done, and I like the scene with all the family members together, oh how I love family gatherings haha.
Ohh what a cliffie haha! I will review the next couple chapters tomorrow but right now I am going to sleep! Well done so far!
-MirandaAuthor's Response: I like this chapter better, too. I'm not sure why, but I think maybe it's a bit more clear than the last.
I'm so relieved that you think Laria's getting more developed! One of my worst fears is that she turns out to be a Mary-Sue. I'm also glad that you think Al's character is developing as well.
Family gatherings; they are crazy, huh? I had a lot of fun writing this one.
Take your time with the next chapter, and thanks for another great review! Report Review
Once again, I'm back!
Another interesting chapter to read!
I like Ron's reaction, it's very to canon.
This chapter is divided into four different views...
I think the 3rd section in this chapter is a bit confusing...
Exactly who is talking? Her parents?
Example: "No, I can't. I can’t believe HE said that to HER face, and I can't believe she had the nerve to announce it during dinner like that."
I hope you get what I mean by that sentence above is confusing. If her father said that, why did Ron say I can't believe HE said that to HER face... shouldn't it be.. I can't believe SHE said that to MY face?
I hope that made sense, because it was a very confusing bit.
Anyway, great chapter, good luck with your writing!Author's Response: Oh, I'm glad that you liked Ron's reaction; I had a bit of trouble writing that.
The chapter is actually divided into only two views; it goes from Al to Scorpius, to Al, to Scorpius. The sentence you're talking about was Harry speaking; Al is eavesdropping on a conversation between his parents. I'm looking back at it right now, and I can see how that's confusing. I'll go back and throw in a mention of who's speaking to clear it up.
Thank you again for all the great reviews!
--propertyoftheHBP Report Review
Woah I loved this chapter even more than the first one (:
It was more interesting and unexpected.
I have nothing bad to say about this!
I think your characterisations are spot on. Al does sound like a guy, but then again, I'm a girl too so I don't know if guys would say what he does say ;) I think you've written it very good though!
Woah! End of chapter cliffhanger much? I so want to read about Ron's reactions! and everyone elses!
Another fantastic chapter (:Author's Response: I'm glad you liked this one! I'm thrilled that you have no crit for it. ;) Report Review
I'm from the forum, here to review!
Firstly, I'd like to apologise for my extreme delay in reviewing your story!
Second, I thought this was a very well written chapter!
The plot is very basic, but it's still interesting enough to make me want to read it.
I don't think this is really a prologue, its just more like a beginning chapter. A prologue usually is a hint to what's coming next, if you get what I mean. The length of this is okay, but ideally prologues should be shorter than chapters. and 8000+ words is a lot for one chapter. Usually people have around 1000 - 5000 words for a chapter. However, it's okay here.
I think your characters are definitely spot on and to canon. I like how you've developed Albus and Rose!
I loved your Albus Dumbledore Song/Poem that Peeves sang - very original!
And to answer your question, I found this definitely, to be believable.
I found no spelling/grammar mistakes so well done!
Great first chapter (:Author's Response: Thanks for the review, and I didn't mind the delay. :)
The plot is going to get much, much more complicated later on. I see what you're saying about it not being a prologue -- then again, I like to see it as an introduction to the story, and overview of Al's Hogwarts years, as the story starts right when he's leaving Hogwarts. I'm glad that the length didn't bother you too much, and I am working on cutting it down a bit.
You like the song! Yay, that was my favorite part of writing this, and you're the first person to comment on it.
Thanks again! Report Review
I'm so proud of Al for deciding to be himself. :D
There is just one place where I thought it was a bit redundant (very picky of me):
I shook my head no. "She's not joking, Uncle Ron."
I don't really think the "no" is necessary there. By shaking his head, Al has already implied that he's saying no. And then he says "she's not joking" which adds in another "no." Too many "no's" for me to handle! (;
I love this phrase! xD
"...making this whole scene look like something out of a clichéd, forbidden-romance novel. Which, if you wrote it all down on paper, I suppose that it would be."
I get it, I get it!! ^_^
Great job! I'm glad I decided to review this story.
~foundriapenguinAuthor's Response: Oh, you're absolutely right about the redundant no's. I'll go back and fix that ASAP!
Haha! I loved writing that line. ;D
I'm glad that you're glad you reviewed this story!! (Confusing much, lol.) I absolutely loved them, and I thank you. I'll be sure to rerequest once I get another chapter up!
--propertyoftheHBP Report Review
So dramatic at the end! (;
The plot is chugging along well. I don't think Laria is that much of a Mary-Sue..she kind of reminds me of Luna. (:
You do an excellent job of displaying Al's change of mind! I'm very impressed ^_^
~foundriapenguinAuthor's Response: Hmm...I like that comparison you made of Laria to Luna...I actually kind of imagine her voice to be like Evanna Lynch's. (I'm also trying to make her a blend of a lot of female characters from HP, so parallelling her to Luna is awesome.)
And I'm totally psyched to see that you're impressed by Al. :D
Thanks again! Report Review
Hello! This is Foundriapenguin from the forums:)
I think this was a great look into Albus's mind. Though maybe the memories were a bit heavy on my head, they did give good background on the story. And this is a prologue!(:
Great grammar usage in this chapter! I'm so happy! :] Now I'm off to the next one!
Excellent job! 10/10.
~foundriapenguinAuthor's Response: Thanks for the awesome review!
Oh, goody, I'm glad you didn't think the prologue was too bad, memory/length-wise. They ARE an important background, and they'll come into heavy play later on.
10/10? *does crazy happy dance* Report Review
After reading your question about chapter length over on the forums, I decided to come see for myself. I haven't read the other two chapters posted so far, so I don't have a complete idea of where you're heading. Just so you understand where I'm coming from, I'll tell you where I understand the prologue to stand: You appear to be summarizing Al's life and setting up a Rose/Scorpius ship, as well as Albus's feelings about being in Gryffindor, his family, etc. I assume the "real" story starts in the next chapter and from now on, you won't be covering such large chunks of time at once.
For a prologue, this is quite long. It seems odd to have a very long prologue followed up by chapters half the length. I do feel that there are logical breaks in this chapter (possibly after the Sorting or before the Scorpius/Rosie revelation at the end). However, I also see why you do not want to make this two different chapters, since the story is not going to continue in this vein, based on my understanding.
I think you could make some cuts without having a detrimental affect. First off, the school song. It is a tradition, I suppose, but I think especially in a long chapter, most readers will likely skim it as I did, because it's not something new and original like the Sorting Hat song. You could just mention them singing the school song without including the text. I believe even JKR included the school song's text only in the first book.
Furthermore, some of the conversation becomes a bit repetitive. For example, Al and Rosie's conversation at the top. That conversation could be made shorter without losing its essence. Ok, I just went to look at it again, and perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps it only feels repetitive in retrospect because we hear much of the same thing about what the houses are like throughout the chapter. In general, I'd just look for themes or ideas you repeat in the chapter but that don't need to be repeated. Your readers should have a decent grasp on what the houses stand for, so going into detail more than once probably isn't necessary.
I'll admit I'm a bit puzzled as to why you're including all this information here. Let me see if I've picked out the important things you wanted to get across: Al being in Gryffindor. Al talking to Snape's portrait. Al's nickname and feeling he has to live up to it. Al's career ambitions. The Scorose ship.
I assume you had a list of things you wanted to convey in this chapter, and while I obviously don't catch everything in what I read, if there's something glaring I didn't get, maybe that needs to be made clearer, as there are probably other people who also failed to notice it. And if I listed something that wasn't very important, perhaps you've placed undue emphasis on it without meaning to.
What I'm getting at is this: What NEEDS to be in this chapter? Seeing as it's so long, some of the less-important things could be cut out. For example, there are several references to raiding the kitchens, but is this important to the plot in the long term? Maybe it is, but if not, it could be cut out.
Another thing to consider is including some of this information later in the story. To keep on with the same example about raiding the kitchens, perhaps later on you could have a couple of characters talking and they mention how they used to sneak into the kitchens every chance they got.
Your chapter two summary and chapter title indicate that Albus will be finishing his seventh year in the next chapter. Maybe one thing to consider is to expand on the careers thing and Al finding out about Scorpius and Rosie, to give a more complete seventh-year picture
The Sorting, Al's first conversation with Snape's portrait, and his encounter with Peeves seem like worthy events to include, but the last especially could be told in present time. For example, a character calls Albus by his nickname, and he mentally groans that he's never been able to shake the name Peeves gave him. The Sorting experience: maybe he could witness the Sorting during his seventh year and think back to his own Sorting? Or maybe some of the earlier experiences could be combined a bit more? I don't know. (Sorry to sound so vague here. Just brainstorming, vaguely.)
I understand you are trying to include an authentic Hogwarts experience for Al, and obviously his school years will influence him later. You indicated on the forums that you are foreshadowing here. However, the prologue does seem oddly extended. I don't have a problem with the length itself, although it does seem extraordinarly long for a prologue. I personally find the mish-mash of events and time jumping to be more bothersome.
The advantage to showing all those events, though, is that you've already demonstrated some character growth in Al. Al is an interesting character here. I was interested in what he had to say (though the events in this chapter alone could be made into a longer story). Showing him in these different situations has allowed you to give the reader a good idea of what kind of person Al is. It's great as introduction.
To conclude, I have mixed feelings about this chapter. You show your main character to advantage. On the other hand, this seems like a very drawn-out prologue, and I am uncertain how well it will mesh with the remainder of the story--if it will seem oddly tacked on. I understand your trouble about deciding what to cut out, though, because even if you take out the school song and condense other things, this will still be a lengthy chapter--and many of the events are interconnected. It's not a random conglomeration, even if it appears so at first glance. I suggest looking at this chapter again . . . not just trying to use fewer words, but actually trying to restructure it to ensure important information isn't lost in unnecessary clutter.Author's Response: Oh my goodness, I can't thank you enough for this review!
Absolutely, this chapter is likely going to be the longest, and the others won't be skipping around in time like this at all. Like you said, it's a summary of Al's time at Hogwarts. I think, were I to split it into two, I probably would do so after his first year, and before the career meeting.
Now that you mention it, I think I'll go and cut the lyrics of the school song. I think I read somewhere that Dumbledore only called for the song to be sung when times were going well -- which was obviously only during the beginning of PS. That'll have some significance in later chapters, so I definitely have to keep a mention of the song. As well, I think I could cut the career meeting. It's not utterly vital, and it was an afterthought, but I do like it. It gives more of an insight into Al, and will likely be referenced to once or twice later.
And you've pretty much got the major aspects of the chapter. The only other thing -- this isn't an event, though -- is how much Al wants to please his family, to make them proud. That part is pushed more in the next chapter, though. Oh, and I'll definitely mention some of the minor things here in passing later on. I'll think about combining the memories -- that thought actually never occured to me.
For a prologue, it is long. I mean, I see 800 word prologues more often than 8000 word ones. I'm not sure if it even is one, though technically, it is. The story doesn't start until chapter 1.
And I'm glad that you think Al's character is made clear here -- that was really one of the biggest points of having this chapter.
Again, thank you so much for taking the time to read the chapter and write this wonderful review out -- I appreciate it so much, and you've given me a lot to think on.
Hullo there Property! Sorry about the writer's block. Been having a bit of that with my main fic as well. Kind of broke through it the other day but got sidetracked . . . so we'll see what happens when I go back and try to write it again.
Anyways, onto the review yeah? Reading through I have only one or two little issues with an otherwise grandly written chapter and story (I'm going to try something off the wall with constructive criticism and the good bits here).
A little thing that's striking me, and it's probably only me, but I figure 'hey why not mention it' is the fact that, while you switch between Scorpius and Albus within the chapter, I feel as though there is really no change in character. It could be Scorpius Potter and Albus Malfoy (what a loony world that'd be) if I didn't know better. And perhaps that is something you are going for, as these two are obviously going to become friends in the near future. It's not a huge deal, but you know, why not discuss it?
And, on the topic of interchangeable characters, can we scamper on over to Scorps (I'm copyrighting that nickname, by the way. Though I fear not too many people'd use it . . .) and Ally's (that one too) parents. Harry and Draco might be interchangeable as well. I do think you explain things rather well throughout the story, as well as the fact that you obviously have extensive backgrounds drawn up for each character, which is a phenomenal feat, as you well know, I have trouble buying into the Potter and Weasley mindsets. They have turned into the Malfoys. ANNND! While I'm not buying it now, that's not to say you haven't tried to do that yourself. I mean, if it's not meant to be there [insert foot in mouth Jackson], but if the Potter lapse into appearances and etiquette is driving the story (and it obviously is, as Albus is completely destroyed by what his parents are) then I applaud you all the more!
It's an interesting concept, regardless of the direction it comes from. THE Harry Potter, the savior of the Wizarding World, the bridger of gaps (along with tag-along Ginny) falling back into the old ways. Rose had NO right to say who she was dating at dinner. How stuck up and waspish can you get? That's something I'd definitely buy from Draco, though Harry and Ginny I don't see the story having earned it.
Which is the same reaction (not exactly, as Albus is apart of the story) that ol' Al had as well. He was stunned and floored, so obviously I believe you know what you're doing (that doesn't make me like it anymore. You're messing with my favorite HP character here! I know . . . real original . . .) but anyways I believe you know what you're doing with it all, which is awesome.
You ask in your review requests about believability . . . I've covered that (almost:), since besides the two things I've mentioned it's grand. The wrong idea from parents concerning Rose and all that, it's a testament to the quality of this story. Angsty to be sure, but that's never a bad thing, and I know you have a goal you're driving to, so that sets everything off in a good light, trust me.
You also talk about characterization (about preestablished characters especially) well, that's all good. Draco made me laugh (and I did, I can't help it) when he said 'this conversation is over.' I was left sitting like Scorpius was left standing. A lot in a very short amount of time. And awkwardly spoken as well. It was obvious Draco felt uncomfortable saying those things, and was 'hurt' as Astoria and Scorpius put it. Perhaps he's having trouble dealing with the world around him. He can't be hired because of the mistakes. He has a father rooted in the past and a son forcing he way into the future. He's teetering on the edge, leaning toward the realm his father dominated.
Draco's characterization and motivation have always been interesting, even in Canon. (not that this isn't canon-compliant, but you know what I mean) And this story is no different.
So, all in all, do I actually like your story (because, for me, that's all that really matters when I get a review --- do you like my story? And then after that you can tell me what I need to work on and what worked)? Hmm. Yeah. I like this story. It's not a resounding, smiley filled YES! But it's an honest answer, at least. I like this story. I'm bummed Harry and Ginny are gits, and I worry about Albus and things, but that's only because of the well written story you've got here.
It's good, of course, and thanks for requesting on the next chapter! I do look forward to seeing where this goes,
JacksonAuthor's Response: Thanks for the lovely lengthy review!
That's really interesting what you say about Al and Scorpius being very similar in character. While I hoped that Scorpius' inter-head dialogue would sound more refined and proper that Al's, I actually was going for a couple of similarities.
Hmm. The real question here is, are the Potters and Weasleys becoming tradition/appearance/attitude obsessed? You know, the fact that you saw that almost has me bouncing off the wall in utter glee. This has been similar to some feedback I've received from others, and I love it.
Take a look at it this way:
You (meaning the general reader) like Al. You hate his parents. Just like him. We're seeing everything so far (except for the scenes with Scorpius and his parents) through Al's eyes, what he sees. Al didn't hear the beginning or end of the conversation his parents had that night. He only interpreted it one way, and didn't open his ears to other ways he could have taken it. His parents don't know that anything's bothering him -- he's never given them a reason to see that they are. So, naturally, they'll remain supportive of what he appears he wants to do. It's a vicious circle, don't you think?
Like you mentioned, I've got an idea of where I'm going with all of this. And I'm so pleased that it's coming off the way that it's supposed to.
And I love, love what you wrote about Draco balancing between his father and son. It's absolutely correct.
You have a right to be worried about Al. ;)
Thanks again for the awesome review! I'm hoping to get the next up soon, but ATM I'm working on making the first chapter (the sort-of prologue) less intimidating.
I'll be sure to rerequest once I've got the fourth chapter up! Report Review
Here's your last review!
Again, no glaring spelling errors, which is always nice. :)
WHOA! Ron had a serious fit over Rose and Scorpius dating. I suppose I can understand; he does tend to overreact, and Rose is his only daughter. The other characters reactions seemed canon as well. Harry and Ginny love Rose, but Ron is their old friend, and there is some bad blood between their families and the Malfoys. (aw, who am I kidding? they hated each other in school lol)
I think that the changing POV was confusing, but I don't think you can change it. I did, however, like seeing things through Scorpius’ eyes.
Astoria... Were you nervous at all about writing her? I'm only asking because she doesn't really have an obvious personality. Either she's a really reserved person, or you didn't go too deep into her character. She obviously loves her son and husband, but that's pretty much all I could distinguish. I really hope I'm not insulting you. Please don't take it as an insult, it's just my opinion. It's hard to write characters we know almost nothing about.
WOW. Draco was very angry too, but he, of course, kept his temper under control. So cold, Draco, so cold.
Just a suggestion: you might want to mention Ron's face getting red while he's yelling at Rose. That's just me, though. You really did do a good job with this, and there wasn't much to change.
Well, this is it for your reviews. My final score is an 8.5/10. You have a good grasp of characters' feelings and how they act and react. I wish you the best of luck in your writing!
-AKABARAAuthor's Response: 'Ello!
I'm glad you liked everyone's reactions -- I hoped that I could capture's Ron's craziness/overreacting correctly, and I'm glad you thought Draco was cold. He's really disappointed with his son right now. I wasn't exactly nervous about writing Astoria, but I wasn't quite sure how to go about it, either -- I'm not surprised that's the impression you got. (Don't worry, I'm not insulted. I'm glad you pointed it out.) She is reserved as of right now in the story, and Scorpius' announcement sort of threw her for a loop. I kind of wanted to parallel her to Narcissa; indifferent was the first impression I got reading her, so it was almost intentional with Astoria.
The POVs are indeed confusing. >.< I've been trying to think of ways to fix that lately, but I'm honestly drawing a blank. They needed to be together like that for this chapter, but this is definitely one of the only chapters that's going to be trading off POVs. Though I'll be switching them around, it'll be one person, one chapter from here on out.
Thanks for the suggestion about the facial expressions -- I might just go back and add some!
And thank you so much for taking the time to write out three amazing reviews! I'll be sure to rerequest once I get another chapter up. :) Report Review
Akabara here with your second review.
I didn't spot any obvious grammar mistakes, just so you know.
Now, on to your story. It flows very well now that the coagulation of flashbacks is over.
I'm sad that Al feels so angsty, but it is very realistic. He's realized that his whole life has been him trying to please everyone but himself. Lily consoling him and their close relationship was a nice touch. However, again with the Rose/Scorpius thing. Do they just snog all the time? Sorry, but I just can't seem to imagine that. I do, however, think that their decision to tell their parents was also very realistic; teenagers do that all the time. The Teddy/Victoire thing was good as well.
Other than the little Rose/Scorpius thing, you seem to be keeping very canon with your characters. However, why did Teddy ask for Rose and Al's permission to announce his engagement? Also, weren't all of the time-turners in the Ministry destroyed during one of Harry, Ron, and Hermione's visits? They could have made more, I suppose. Or Ron was just blubbering so much he didn't remember...lol. But like I was saying, everything seems to be in order with characters being canon.
Mr. Weasley was hilarious, giving them diplomas and calling them diplomats. Ah, good Weasley fun...
Laria and Al... They seem to be a little more than friends, but I might be seeing something that isn't there. Just a thought, though.
You mention in the end about Al's boy-ness, and I think yes, he did sound like a boy. I don't think that there was much you could do to make him sound like a girl...
Well, I don't think that there's really anything else to say for this chapter but well done. On to the next and final chapter I'll be reviewing.
-AKABARAAuthor's Response: I just wrote out a response, but it got deleted. >.<
Anyway, hi again!
I totally see what you mean about Rose and Scorpius snogging the way they did. I think I originally wrote it that way because I needed an excuse to get Al and Lily out of the compartment and onto the balcony. But now that you mention it, I don't like it either -- I'll go back and change it up somehow.
Teddy asked permission to announce the engagement because he didn't want to butt into Al's and Rose's graduation party. Any, yup, there are no more time-turners as of right now. Ron was being a blubbering idiot.
Laria and Al do have chemistry, don't they? *does mysterious crazy dance*
Again, thanks for the review! They've been super helpful so far. Report Review
Okay, Akabara here with your review.
First thing, I'll give you my overall impression, and then get to the things that you mentioned that you wanted me to focus on.
I think that this was a great first chapter, all though it is a bit long. I freaked a little when I saw that this was 8,000 something words. Perhaps you should try making this into two chapters? But that's just me.
Okay, there were two things that I found: You used though instead of thought when the Hat was asking Al about Slytherin. And also, when the Hat was talking to Al, you said 'You are very ambitious, a seem to have a strong drive to get things done.' I think you meant: ...and you seem to...
Only those two mistakes jumped out at me, and they were minor. Other than that, this was a very grammatically sound story.
Now, on to what you asked me to do:
Is this believable so far?: Yes, quite. I think that Al desperately wanting to be in Gryffindor despite his dad's reassurance is very plausible. He wants to be in the same house as James, his parents, and practically all the rest of his family. Also, I think that Dumbledore attempting to have Snape witness Al's Sorting was very well done, not to mention it had me laughing. I'm a Snape fan, so I also enjoyed Al's little chats with Snape. The canon characters are done believably, but there's one thing I wanted to mention. Rose and Scorpius. Maybe Rose shouldn't just randomly like Scorpius? I know that there's the whole 'love at first sight' thing, but I think it was a little unrealistic for Rose to automatically have a crush on Scorpius, especially after her father warned her about him. However, the school song was a wonderful touch that added realism to the story. The Sorting Hat's song was also well done. I think that's all I wanted to comment on for this part, but this is such a long chapter that I feel I'm missing something! Oh, well. Moving on.
Is the characterization (particularly of the characters with an already-established character, i.e. Harry, Draco) spot-on?: Again, yes. There wasn't any Draco in this chapter, but I think Harry was dead on. He's kind and understanding, as he was shown to be in the epilogue of DH. Rose seemed to be in order, what with her Hermoine-ness. Al was hard-working, showing that he was indeed Harry's son, and your other canon characters, such as Victoire, Teddy, and James, was good. Okay, I just wanted to say that I loved James' teasing. One of my favorite lines out of this chapter: "You know, Vicky, a cuddly-wuddly Teddy bear! What does he look like? Does he have TURQUOISE HAIR?" Did you mean that to rhyme? Because that just made it even more hilarious. And then there's Victoire's response, in a French accent, no less. Great job!
How do you think my female OC (Laria) is coming along?: Very well, I'd say. I might be biased, though. I absolutely adore characters that are somewhat canon but still OC's. I myself have a few such characters in my Next Gen. novel. Laria is very much a Hufflepuff, and a very good friend to Al. I quite like her. :]
Is there enough description - is the description random at times?: So far your description is good, and I don't think any of it is random. In fact you might want to add in a little description about how the characters look to help the reader visualize.
Now, I think that pretty much covers what you wanted. I'll be sure to add even more in your next review.
On to the next chapter!!
-AKABARAAuthor's Response: Thank you for the incredibly awesome review!!
It is long. :/ I was considering omitting a flashback or two, seeing the ways I could cut down, but I never thought of splitting it into two chapters. I'm definitely going to put some thought into that -- thanks for the suggestion!
Ugh, those typos. They'll be fixed when I edit this chapter.
Now that you point it out, I see what you're saying about Rose liking Scorpius right off the bat...though, when I was writing it, I saw it more as an "OMG-HE'S-SUCH-A-HOTTIE!!!" moment that eventually became something more, rather than love at first sight. I also wanted to begin to illustrate differences between her and her mother, as I doubt Hermione would react that way to a guy right off the bat. I'll be sure to look it over again, though.
I was freaking out about the school song when I realized that I was going to inevitably have to write the Sorting. I didn't want to skip over it, but it took me a while to figure one out. I'm so glad you liked it!
Oh! I didn't even realized James' little taunt rhymed until you just pointed it out! Hehe.
Aw, I'm glad you like Laria. I cringed at the thought of having to make an OC from scratch, so I improvised on canon. Glad you like it that way!
Thanks again for the great review!
Finally. Finally there exists a story about the Next Generation characters that is not terribly cliched. Thank you.
I have always thought that the Next Generation children would have felt pressure. No one has really brought it up. And I have always been surprised. Particularly the Potter children. They not only have a surname to live up to, but first and middle names as well. And it makes sense that one of them would feel very pressured. No one really writes about it. You are the first person to write about it. Well, the first I have read, anyway. And I absolutely love that you have gone there. Because it just makes so much sense that it has to be written.
This was lovely. It really was.
Your characters are well rounded. All of them, including the ones you had concerns over, are well written. Harry seems like Harry. Draco seems like Draco. I would be hesitant to say that Ron seems like Ron because I can't really imagine him crying when Rose graduated (I definitely see him as a very loving and overprotective father, but I think that was a bit much) and even Severus is Severus.
Albus himself is also so well characterised. I know who he is. I really do. And it isn't as though there are gaps in his character.
As is Rose. I know who she is.
It is rare that I find a story like this where I can just... read. Just read and forget about everything else. This does not have humour in it. It doesn't have a witty, sarcastic character as the main character. It is just a story. Nothing more. And, yet, I think I enjoyed it more than I do enjoy the usual cliched romance stories I simply adore with OCs as the main characters.
I don't think I'm truly conveying what I'm thinking into words here. Just know that I really thought this was very well written.
One thing, though. In chapter 1, you write: Albus Severus Potter could certainly get along without Slytherins - even though he was named after one.
If you examine it carefully, you will notice that the use of the phrase "even though" does not really make sense. You use that phrase when the part after is contradictory to the first. In this, you have Albus getting along well with the Slytherins and then you have the fact that he is named after one. The use of the phrase "even though" could perhaps be something you might consider revising?
You mentioned that you thought the description might be random at times. I certaintly did not find that. It has just enough that makes it a very enjoyable read. Keep up with whatever it is you're doing because you are doing it right.
I am extremely interested to know where this goes next. The story, it seems, has just begun and I can't wait to see what really does happen. The summary is so mysterious and almost dark and I think that this story just has so much potential.
Loved it. Loved it, loved it, loved it.
Joop :]Author's Response: Oh my goodness, this review absolutely made my day!!
I'm glad that you agree that the Potter kids would have felt pressure -- like you said, how could they not? Even though their parents mean the best, they're not perfect. But they're not intentionally causing it, either.
Now that you mention Ron crying seems a bit much, I'll go back and look over that part again for sure. I see your point -- maybe I'll have him patting Hermione on the back soothingly and almost exasperatedly. :)
You're getting what you mean into words perfectly. This review totally gave me a push to get more of a start onto the next chapter.
I think I see what you mean with the 'even though' phrase. Do you mean changing it to something like 'regardless'? I'll definitely do that.
The story has absolutely just begun. It's only an introduction now, and setting up exactly why everyone does what they do later on. Like I said above, this review totally gave me a push to keep moving on with the next chapter, which, unfortunately, I can't do right now as it's 10:00 AM and I shouldn't even be on the computer. ;)
Again, thanks so much! Report Review
Hey there! (:
This is innocent, from the forums, with your review. I'm going to try and comment on all three chapters so, bear with me, this might be a bit long as I have a bunch of stuff to say!
To start off, I absolutely loved your summary! It did a fantastic job of drawing me in, though I had to look up what 'the asp' was *hides head in shame* Though it's not the sort of thing that I usually read, I really did enjoy your story; I think it has a lot of potential. I thought it was very believable and your characterization of Albus was very, very good. Especially in the first chapter, when you started writing in first person, you really got us into his head and I totally sympathized with his worries and the feelings he was having.
I will say that I enjoyed the second two chapters better than the prologue. I thought the prologue was very long - especially for a prologue, or even a chapter in general - and I will admit that I did find myself skipping over a few paragraphs that I found uninteresting, just because there was a bit too much boring description. I feel like prologues, in general, should be shorter, introduction type things - I think that there's a lot of stuff you could've left out in the prologue and it still would've been understandable. It was a bit complicated, and somewhat hard for me to follow, as you skipped from year to year and I'm not sure if every scene in there is relevant to the story [at least, so far, but then I'm probably wrong because I'm sure it all ties in somehow (:]. I would say the prologue should be more of a glimpse sort of thing versus just a bunch of random scenes from various years all pushed together, as that's what I felt like it was sort of like.
I did, however, enjoy the elements of humor you added into there - James, especially, I thought was very funny. As far as the first chapter goes, as I said before, I liked it a lot more than the prologue. :D I think the first person really helped and also the fact that it was a lot shorter than the prologue. Keep in mind that if a chapter is too long and not interesting enough, a reader may get bored and decide not to read it, no matter how intriguing the summary is - long chapters can actually be sort of intimidating. Okay, okay. I'm done rambling on about the prologue length now. So, in the first chapter, you did a really good job of characterizing Albus and I find your story, so far, to be mostly believable.
As far as keeping canon characters in character - meaning that they're like how they are in the books - I feel like Harry and Snape weren't very in-character. While I get Albus wanting to be independent and not follow his family's wishes, I feel like your portrayal of Harry wasn't very good; from what we know about Harry from the books, he seems like he would be much more accepting of Albus and whatever house he is in. Also, Snape seemed a bit different from what I remember him being like in the books; by all means, he was funny, and he was, I thought, more in-character than Harry was, but there were moments where I felt he wasn't as Snape-ish as he should've been if that makes any sense.
In terms of your third chapter, I really liked the scenes between Rose and her parents and Scorpius and his. I think you did a really good job of accurately portraying the prejudices that still exist between the Malfoys and Weasleys. The only thing that bugged me about this chapter was that you kept switching POV's between Scorpius and Albus. I would advise you not to do this unless it is completely vital to the story, as it can just be confusing because there's so much going on for the reader to take in. And if you are going to be switching POV's more in the story, I would suggest maybe switching every chapter, versus switching multiple times in a chapter.
Overall, though, your story was good and believable and most of your characterization, at least of the next gen characters - Albus, Rose, Scorpius, James, etc. - was very good. I noticed a few grammar errors, but I don't think they detracted from the story too much - there were just a few spots where you forgot to capitalize something that should've been capitalized, had an unnessceray comma (or were missing one), and, I think, just a couple of small, virtually unnoticeable typos. Overall, though, very intriguing, I think the plot is coming along well, as it doesn't seem like you're rushing into anything yet. Good job and keep writing! I'm expecting to see great things from this story in the future!
*whew* That was probably one of the longest reviews I've ever written! 7/10
~ EmmaAuthor's Response: Wow! Thanks for the awesomely long review!
Oh, I'm so glad you liked the summary. I originally had a different one for a good two months, before I realized that it didn't really catch eyes. And 'the asp' is our very own A.S.P. as I'm sure you've figured out. ;)
The prologue was long. :/ The thing is, every one of those scenes (except maybe one, but I still felt it necessary to add.) is absolutely vital to later chapters. I debated whether or not to actually call it a prologue, because those are usually kind of short, but then again, it IS a prologue -- the story doesn't start until Chap. 1. Hmm. Anyway, enough of my ramblings. ;)
Is Harry that unaccepting of Al's house? Remember, we're seeing it from Al's POV. I'll be blunt here: Al has a warped-out mind. Yuppitty-yup-yup. Now, I'll definitely go back and see how I wrote him, but it actually was my intention to make Harry look that way through Al's eyes, as it's what Al sees. We'll be seeing some chapters from Harry's, and others', POVs in the future.
Like I said above, I'll definitely be switching POVs a lot in the story. The next chapter will be all in Laria's. I did find it a little important for Al and Scorpius to be going back and forth like that, because my portrayal of their characters and the situations they're in is going to be very similar in the beginning, and I wanted their scenarios here to sort of be a little mirror of each other's, but I'll certainly take what you said into mind.
Yeah, there are some grammar issues going on. xP. I'll be making some edits soon, so I'll for sure go over it all again.
One of the longest reviews you've written? That was definitely one of the longest reviews I've received! I loved it! Thanks so much, and I loved your feedback! Report Review
Hi, here with your second review!
I really enjoyed this chapter. As the story gets going I can definitely see the plot line developing. I really like how this chapter is from Albus' POV. His character has a lot of depth and when he was explaining how he wanted to live his life for him I really felt sorry for him, for all the pressure that everyone was putting on him without noticing.
I like his relationship with Lily as well. They seem to have a really nice brother-sister bond that you don't see often in NextGen fics. And good on Al for approving Rose & Scorpius. Brilliant way to end the chapter. I just wish I could see Ron's face when she said that :P
Ron instantly began hyperventilating, saying, "You’re not engaged, are you? Pregnant? Married?" - haha, that is just soo in character.
I don't really have much crit for this chapter, it was a great improvement from the last one! I hope you found my reviews helpful.
- ElisaAuthor's Response: You have no idea how happy I am that you think that Al has depth and his relationship with Lily is nice. Those were some of my favorite parts of this chapter.
xD You think that line from Ron is in character? I was afraid it might be a bit too much, but I liked it too much to leave out.
I definitely found your reviews helpful! I'll be sure to rerequest soon. :) Report Review
Hi, I'm here with your review!
It was a good opening chapter, you explained each scene really well and as readers we understand the background of the story perfectly. Ilike how you've focused on certain parts of his life instead of going year by year. You picked out a few years and explained important decisions he had to make etc.
To improve I would try and make your description more interesting so that it really drags your reader into your story. Especially as it's a very long chapter you want the reader to actually read it all and not skip through paragraphs and some scenes which could have really important information for later chapters in the story.
I liked the humour you used, but I think sometimes you went a bit overboard with capitals - but that's just a personal opinion, it doesn't really effect the story so much.
"I'M HARRY POTTER'S KID, TOO, YOU KNOW!!!" This last one was very obviously from James, Al's older brother who was now in his second year - and Gryffindor. - made me laugh :P
"I did not mean it in a positive way, Dumbledore." - haha, that's just SO snape like.
Grammar and spelling was really good. I only spotted one mistake:
"Ever though of Slytherin, though?" -the first though should be thought.
Overall great effort, I should be done with the next chapter soon! 7/10!
- ElisaAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review!
I'm always iffy about where to place description -- I'll definitely go back and see where I can add some more.
I think the reason that I put the capitals is because I wanted to show them yelling across the Hall -- but I'll go look back and see if it's a bit much.
Ugh, typos. I'll be sure to fix it once I make a big edit of the chapter. (Which I've been meaning to do for a while -- I really do need to get to it.)
Thanks again for the review -- can't wait to see the next!!
--propertyoftheHBP Report Review
You know what I see? You know? A big, dumb, tragic hero in him. That dork! Fool! Ergg. Everything he said to Lily I wanted to smack him (much like I did very often to Harry in Rowling's books) upside the head! Then tell him he's stupid.
Anyways, sorry about that. It's just . . . that lax of communication (maybe lapse, or lack, I'm leaning toward 'lack') is exactly what LEADS to tragedy. If he'd outrightly talked to his parents or if Lily really tried to convince him otherwise than he would understand! It was his fear and pride that are screwing him up. That tragic flaw, which was to please his parents, has done a 180 but has become no less fatal. Oh no . . .
Uhm, but criticism? Hmmm. About Victorie and Teddy. So they were dating in Albus's first year right? They dated for seven years before becoming engaged? That's way too long, as a personal opinion, but I understand, I suppose. And I agree with Elderwand --- Ron should be Uncle Ron . . . it feels weird seeing Al call him Ron, and even though he doesn't really respect the man . . . 'Uncle's' due.
It's a general rule in fiction to spell out numbers under 100, but you definitely don't have to --- like Platform 9 and 3/4 is Platform Nine and Three-Quarters. But that one's kind of an aesthetic criticism on my part and not really important.
I laughed out loud with Ron's reaction to Rose's standing, I can't lie to you. It was priceless. And what a hanger too! I don't know how I expect Ron to react. Because that's important. Gotta be canon (but I think no matter how you spin it you could definitely argue the point if anyone disagrees with you).
And that reminds me! You wanted comments on the believability of established characters, right? Hmm. Well, so long as Al is WRONG in his assumption of his parents (that they seriously act the way he said, about the whole he has to do this, and he can't do that, and he had to be Gryffindor), then you are totally spot on. They're supporting him at what he does well --- and because he said he wanted to be an Auror they would focus on his Outstanding in the important subject. They are fueling his resentment without even realizing it. Which is absolutely incredible (on your part!) to read. Because it makes perfect sense. Harry and Ginny would want to be supporting parents, and Lily understands that for what it is, but Al, confused, sees it as something totally different.
I love it.
Grammatically it's clean, by the way. At least I didn't pick out any mess ups. And, about 'Al being a boy' thing, it's actually pretty easy to portray opposite sexes. I mean, you did wonderful with all boys. They're basically just the same as girls, but react the things differently (smiling instead of squealing, as you showed up) and . . . well, yeah. I mean, they do have subtle differences, but you definitely don't portray Al like a girl.
So no worries there, okay?
Quick side note, I totally loved the line about Merlin's third wife. Not only because it's funny to think of Merlin as a lady's man, but also because of the image I got; Merlin looks like Dumbledore, right? So I saw him, with two girls in bathing suits on either arm wearing sunglasses and winking. Very weird image, but quite a funny thought.
I think that's all I can think to comment on. It's wonderful. No worries there. Again, dating for seven years (maybe explain them to be on and off) weirded me out, but that's about it.
Thank you very much for requesting me!
JacksonAuthor's Response: Another review! Yay!
A tragic hero? Hmm. He a pretty big idiot on the train with Lily, wasn't he? *smiles wickedly*
I can see that you've got the character of Al understood pretty well, from what you wrote in your second paragraph. :)
Oh, you're right about Teddy and Victoire. *smacks head* How did I miss that? You know what? I just had an idea -- I'll leave it the way it is, and work in a mini plot line as to why they waited so long. Now you've got me thinking. :D
Since you're the second person to mention it, I'll go back and have Al refer to Ron as 'Uncle'.
Is Al wrong about his parents? Hmm. Well, I can assure you that his parents aren't all he's made them out to be, but they aren't perfect, either. There'll be some chapters in Harry's and Ginny's POVs eventually.
OK, you've gone and put that image with Merlin and the ladies into my mind, too! xD I love Merlin euphemisims.
Thanks for the wonderful, long review!
All righty. I read this yesterday but got sidetracked and did not review. Like I should've. That's my bad (sorry!)
But anyways! Let's get to it! Constructive criticism first! Because it's something I just learned, and am proud that I now know all the rules, because they're all stupid anyway (yes, the rules) for grammar in dialogue. I'll give you a perfect example of what I'm talking about [Rose smiled, "I accept."] That should be a period there.
I know, groundbreaking stuff for criticism. But I just figured in case that wasn't a typo and, like me, you were a little fuzzy on the rules you'd want that pointed out.
Anyways, that's by no means problematic for the story on a whole. Oh! One last suggestion would be to use the Horizontal Rule (that line) instead of an asterisk for time changes. More (BLAM!) in your face than a simple asterisk (I missed that the time had changed once and was totally lost, but I picked it up again quickly).
And to answer your question, of course I enjoyed it. Before offering reviews I'd only read Post-Hogwarts stuff, but authors like you are opening my eyes to the many different time periods and characters! I LOVE that you included Al talking with Snape. I can just feel that'll come back to be important sometime. I like Al as a person. Bit of a . . . real character, isn't he? Got flaws! Poignant flaws, actually, and I like that. A good guy with familial issues.
I like Laria. Definitely a weird name, but I do hope that comes back around. It did seem like Al felt something for her the first time he saw her.
And I do like the flashes. (the many different tidbits from his years at Hogwarts) Because I know everything will be important, I really do look forward to reading about how they all tie in. This story is mysterious, but not in the normal way. Basically it's got me wondering how everything will play in; how will this turn out? How will that affect him? Or her? Or them! It's looking to be a fun, probably serious, story.
So, once again, did I enjoy it? For just a prologue? For 8000+ words? Of course I did. It was superbly written! How could I not?
Anyways, thanks for requesting!
JacksonAuthor's Response: Thanks for the awesome review!!
Ah, those darned typos. xD I'm generally good with grammar, thanks for pointing that out.
I did think about using the horizontal rule for time passing...but I wanted to use it only for between memories. I had been thinking about changing it recently, so now that you've mentioned it, I definitely will.
Oh my goodness -- you're the third person to mention Al's conversation with Snape! Yay!! I'm pretty sure there's going to be another one (or something similar) within the next five chapters or so.
I like the name Laria, too. (uh...obviously.) The next chapter is going to be devoted to her homecoming -- mainly because I want to develop her before she starts fitting into a Mary Sue-esque little box.
Thanks again for the great review!
This was a great chapter to say the least. I loved how it went from Albus' point of view to Scorpius' point of view. This was a very tense chapter and you got the emotion in this chapter perfectly. I love how you portray both Albus and Scorpius in this chapter. Your story just flows so smoothly. You really just have everything going for you here. I really can't wait to see what you make of this story and will definatly be checking for the next update! :DAuthor's Response: *squees wildly* Thank you so much, again!
It'll be going back and forth from a lot of POVs, so I'm glad you liked what it did with them here.
Ooh, I'm sooo happy you think that it was tense and that I captured the emotion! It's just what I was aiming for. :)
Thanks again! :DD
--propertyoftheHBP Report Review
Wow. Really interesting. I loved this chapter. Theres so much info to gain from this chapter, yet everything is layed out. Everything in this chapter was just charming. I adore the ending! It was a great ending. :) Keep up this awesome job! :DAuthor's Response: Thanks for another review!! I'm very glad you liked it. Report Review
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