I can see why you'd think that this story handles controversial topics; I'd really hate to be in Rose's shoes right now, I can tell you that for sure.
I know that you expect Rose to annoy people, but she honestly doesn't bother me. I think the main reason for this is because we both have a lot in common. As much as I hate to admit it I can sometimes behave a little pompous when it comes to certain subjects. I think it's good that Rose has her fair share of flaws, it's a nice break from the 'perfect' smokescreen she likes to present people with. I've come to realise that she can be quite selfish at times too; I think that the man's wife was perfectly with her right to make that decision - she had her husband's best interests at heart and it was her and not Rose who would have known what her husband wanted. I know Rose is only thinking of her patient, but it really isn't her decision to make. I really hope for her sake that she doesn't give him the antidote, it would be a very foolish action to make.
I like the more serious approach you took to the tone of this chapter; I think it suited Rose's personality much better, and I also like the fact that you accentuated it with a light touch here and there when you kept switching from the hospital to her own personal life.
Louis seemed himself a lot more in this chapter, and by that I mean he was more open and I could understand his character better. I like the dynamics of his and Rose's relationship, but I have to admit if he'd blown smoke in my face I'd have hit the roof (I can't stand the stuff!)
Yay, first original character and I love how you've constructed him. I have a feeling he's going to develop into 'the guy we hate' when Scorpius comes into the chapter later on, but for now I really like him; he just seems like an easy going guy who cares a lot for Rose. Ha, the bedroom scene, yes, I'd say that was believable. There is one niggling thing though that I feel I need to get out there into the open. It's the fact that she took her bra off before she said 'lets have sex'. It just seems an odd thing to do, why would she take of her bra if she wasn't going to have sex? Would there be any need for words by that point?
Other than the suggestion I made above, I can find no critisism for this chapter, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I could feel the story moving on more during this chapter and your writing was flawless as always. Like I've said before, this story shows some true potential and I honestly wish you the best of luck with it. I will be rather busy these next few weeks so I may not notice any updates that you make. Please poke me when you do update though, I'd really like to know what happens next in this story.
Katie(JaneTwilight)Author's Response: Hey, thanks for another review!
And the topics will only get more controversial ... I think I may actually end up offending a lot of people.
Oh good, the selfish vibe came through here! I much prefer this chaper to the opening one. There was a fair space between when I wrote chapter 1, and when I wrote this one (as there usually is), so I think it may have improved since before.
I'm very pleased you like the serious tone - I'm much more comfortable writing humour (even if it's not particularly funny), and I felt REALLY out of depth here.
Louis and Rose is ... it's interesting. The further you go in this, the more "interesting" you'll find their relationship. And I don't mean anything yuck, just, I think I've started developing an interesting dynamic that you don't see too often. And yeah, cigarettes = blurgh.
Hmm, actually, I don't think people will hate Tim. I think they'll like him more than Rose! And sorry to say, but Scorpius won't be making a grand appearance for a while. The story is primarily about Rose, not her relationships. As for the bra thing, I just figured it was possible to, er, remove that article of clothing before engaging in, um, adult stuff, because I read that in melian's "How To Tame a Marauder". I don't know, I haven't got a clue about this kind of stuff, so you can see why I was really worried about it sounding stupid.
Thankyou so, so, sooo much again. People rarely comment on the actual writing, so it means a lot. As for updates ... I'll have to ask my Maths and Physics textbooks if I can have a break :P Report Review
Hi there. I'd like to apologise for taking so long to get this review to you, my life has been so busy recently that I've completely forgot about my reviewing responsibilities. Anyway, let's talk about Rose, she's much more interesting!
After reading your areas of concern, I was careful to pay close attention to Rose's character, and I have to say; I've never seen her portrayed in this way before. It's not her dialogue, but more her general attitude and the way that she directs her thoughts that strikes me as quite different. I'm so used to Rose being portrayed as this fiery, hot-tempered kind of girl with cynical or sarcastic aspects. She behaves a lot more like her mother in this story; reasonable but rather plain. Don't get me wrong, it's perfectly ordinary that she would behave that way; it just took me quite by surprise, that's all. She didn't come across as a Mary-Sue, I can assure you of that, but she just seemed to be lacking something that I can't quite put my finger on. Actually - no, it was the other characters. Usually when there's a character like Rose in a story, there are usually characters who have more bubbly/outrageous personalities that can redeem what the main character lacks. Take James for example, he's the perfect type of character that Rose could bounce off. I think if he was included a little more in this chapter you'd be able to achieve a better effect. It just struck me as too...quiet? I'd have overlooked that fact if this chapter was meant to have a bit of angst or fear in it, but the storyline at the moment seems to be quite neutral, so perhaps you could use James more in this chapter to brighten things up a bit.
Another suggestion I'll make that could also help to solve that problem would be to make Ron a bit more like himself - he was the only one that I noticed wasn't fully in character. It's natural that even in the most sensitive conversations, he'll always say something awkward - something that would make you think 'Oh typical Ron' if you get what I mean. Even in the simplest of conversations Ron and Hermione nearly always find some tiny disagreement simply due to the fact that they have such contrasting personalities. Ron will be trying to approach Rose in one way, and Hermione in another. I'm not saying make them argue, just some small silly squabbling or eye-rolling to get the humor in there. I also think that it would help the dialogue to flow much better. I realize that this story is about to grow more serious, but I just thought that as this is the first chapter, perhaps you could keep things more light? The audience doesn't necessarily need to be prepared for anything darker/more angsty in the future, I think that you pretty much got that point across in the flashback and in the summary.
I really like the storyline never the less; it's simple but it shows some true potential. I like the fact that you haven't made Scorpius this stuck-up, popular, arrogant toe-rag. I like the way that he interacts with Rose. He's obviously quite envious of her, but too proud to accept her help - a trait I'm guessing he inherited from his father.
Your writing, for lack of a better word, is perfect. Your words flowed exceptionally well and I couldn't find any errors or mistakes. I wouldn't worry about your description; I think you provided the ideal amount. Just keep in mind the fact that the description has to balance with the dialogue; otherwise your reader will grow confused. Other than what I've mentioned above, the tone was excellent, definitely not melodramatic.
So to recapitulate; I really enjoyed reading this, honestly, you have a true gift when it comes to writing. I'd just concentrate on that Rose/Hermione/Ron conversation a bit more, and maybe include James more. I really think that this story has some true potential, and I'm very eager to see how Rose's story will unfold.
Katie (JaneTwilight)Author's Response: Hey, Katie! No worries, I completely understand.
I really will take your suggestions very seriously, as I am currently re-writing this chapter in particular. I've had a LOT of feedback about the Ron/Hermione/Rose scene, and once I went over it, get why everyone thinks it's dodgy. Because it really is.
Rose is meant to be rather like Hermione in one sense, so I'm thrilled you picked up on that! Although she's meant to be more selfish and self-centred, so I'm going to try work that in as well. And yeah, James and Rose should bounce off each other better.
Thankyou so much for your lovely compliments! It really means a lot, and guess what? I'm blushing :P Report Review
I like it. She just seems like a normal kid with brains, a lot more like Hermione than anything. I like her point of view, and James "being so stupid," had me in stitches!Author's Response: Hi, thanks for the review!
Ah, she seems normal now, but wait till the monster unleashes! Ok, that sounded a lot better in my head ... And James is stupid. But in an adorable way :) Report Review
Here for Review Tag :)
I definitely don't think Rose was Mary-Sueish, it didnt even cross my mind until you mentioned it in your author's note. I mean, she seems very aware of her own intelligence, and that's a flaw for sure. And she's too nice to Malfoy, probably not a very good trait to have seeing as he's pretty cold towards her. But the flashback at the start was very interesting, this looks like you've got a really good direction to go in.
great job :)Author's Response: Thanks for the review!
Oh really? Thank God. I was really worried how she might come across, because she's not meant to be a particularly lovely person.
And you liked the flashback? The more I think about it, the more I want to scrap it.
Thanks for the positive feedback! Report Review
I liked the beginning with Rose and Tim in the kitchen a lot, and especially Rose. I feel like everyone has that 'day' where you feel extra special.
Rose as Healer seemed a little pompous with the comment 'everyone liked Rose' I don't know if it was her inner thoughts or the narrative but someone not like Rose shouldn't be a super surprise. Though if she's a naturally nice person (hard to come these days ahha) then I would be surprised why someone would dislike me about knowing me.
It was nice to see the contrast on the second work day with Rose, like nothing is perfect. I like Louis a lot ahah My type of guy (which you could prob guess)
great chapter :)
beccaAuthor's Response: hey Becca!
Oh, yeah, I think I should go make that a bit clearer - Rose is a bit of a pompous prat, but she keeps her pompous side mostly hidden, so everyone thinks she's really lovely and sweet. The other Healer doens't like her because she's jealous, and she can see Rose's arrogance. Rose is essentially that girl you hate because she's so darn perfect, and then she rubs it in your face as well.
I love Louis too! He's actually loosely based on Andrew VanWyngarden from MGMT - very relaxed and easygoing, and a bit of a rocker. Actually, I love Louis so much, I'm writing a songfic dedicated to him. Yes, I have a semi-crush on a character I inevnted. I am teh world's biggest dork.
thanks again Becca! Report Review
Hey, clearcutdiamond here from the forums with the continuation of your requested reviews!
I like the more serious tone that this chapter took. I didn't expect Rose to have a boyfriend - let alone be engaged. I'm curious as to how Scorpius fits in. I think the bedroom scene was believable, you didn't go too much into detail, so that was good. But, I didn't pick up on any symbolism, though.
I like the storyline so far. But, I can already see how her job is going to strain her new engagement. I'm curious about what happened to Mr Rice.
I love friendship between Louis and Rose. And the way you write Louis. Their easy-going conversation lightened up the sad mood of the chapter, which was good because I think a balance is needed in stories.
Anyways, great chapter and thankyou for requesting!
AmandaAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review!
Yes, this cahpter was a lot more serious, which was bizzare for me, because I write humour mostly. Yeah, Rose does have a boyfriend - well, fiance now. Scorpius will fit in about Chapter 4 I think ... Unfortunately, he's not half as cool as you Scorpius. (btw, can I marry him? If Rose really doesn't want him?)
Maybe my symbolsim wans't really symbolism, and just me imagining there was ... or i've just been studying English far too much.
Mr Rice ... I'll not comment on that.
Yeah, I did feel a need for balance. I felt depressed writing this, so I felt much better writing their dialogue. Plus I kind of love him too! (yes, I love characters. Even some which I've invented. I'm sad, I know it)
And no, thankyou for reviewing! Report Review
Hey, clearcutdiamond here from the forums with your requested review!
I thought your characterization of Rose was well done. During the flashback, she seemed like typical perfect school girl. I'm interested to see how her character changes in the story because your summary talks about her falling into a downward spiral. And because you said that she was everything Scorpius loved and wanted to be - past tense. I'm interested to see what he thinks about her now or in the future.
Your opening after the flashback was also good. Everyone writes the Weasleys a different way, and I like the way you write them. It's classic James II to be hexing his cousins. But, I very much like your idea of having Dom and Louis twins. I also like how Rose is close with Louis as opposed to how she's normally close with Albus in stories.
I thought the dialogue in the Ron/Hermione/Rose scene was a bit awkward. But, you write them in canon, which is good.
I don't think Rose is like a Mary-Sue. I don't think we know enough about her yet to label the way you write her character. But, the good thing about her character is that she's never been written by JKR, so you can write her any way you want. I like that you describe her physical appearance so that readers get an idea of how she looks.
All in all, I like it a lot so far. It was nice to read a story with no grammatical errors. And the plot of your story seems to be getting interesting.
AmandaAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review!
I am SO stoked the characterisation was conveyed the way I wanted it to be. And yes, the "was" is intentional. very intentional.
Yeah, I did want my next-genners (don't think that's a word) to be a bit different. Btw, I really liek you Next-genners ... in case you hadn't picked up on that :P
Yeah, I just can't get that scene right for some reason. It does feel weird reading over that, but I'm having a lot of trouble re-writing it.
thanks again for the really lovely review! Report Review
I didn't pick up on the symbolism! It was a "swimmin" chapter. Not much of a cliffy considering I know what happens, but thats ok. Still good. Hmm... although i think that rose shouldn't 'ave done it, and i'll save the rest of my opinions on what will happen for my next review
:DAuthor's Response: oh darn. I was hoping there woudl be a bit of a cliffy. i failed :(
but yeah, Rose is a twit. You're not really supposed to liek her. Report Review
Well it's quite good so far, but just for the record, you can't have a boy and girl who are identical twins. I know that cause i remember asking Mr. Re in Science. You were there. Gosh. Anyhoo, it's good so far, and that's really all i have to sayAuthor's Response: thanks for anotehr review! trying to catch up tome ? :P
yeah, I know you can't have a boy/girl identical twins - dom and louis are both guys, since Dominique is adrogynous. Report Review
I personally think that she'll choose to use the antidote. Just found this story and I enjoy it. It is an original story. In any case, I can't wait to see how her and Tim interact now and I'm incredibly excited for Scorpius to enter the story. I really hop that the next update comes soon because I don't know how long I'll be able to wait.Author's Response: thanks for the review!
maybe you're right, maybe not :P I'm really relieved you're finding it original, because there are so many Scoroses out there. Update will hopefully come soonish. Report Review
Good start to this one, I'm excited to see where you'll take this. I'm intrigued so far!Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Excellent to see you are intrigued Report Review
i like it diffrent from the other stories i've read before can't wait for the next chapter xxxAuthor's Response: thanks for the review! glad you found it different - it's meant to be Report Review
Hey there! Rocket here with the review you requested.
I don't have any constructive crit, really. Grammar and spelling were both fine, but I read this rather quickly.
It's a next-gen, so yay! Haha, I love next-gens. I liked how you had James hex Rose, that's just really fun to me.
I liked the fact that Louis and Dom are twins.
The only thing I noticed was the characterization of Ron and Hermione. They seemed too. . . sweet and 'mummy and daddy' like. I don't know, I've never imagined them being parents like that.
The other characters are believable in the sense that they seem real, but since we don't really have anyone to base them off of (unless you count their parents) there's no OOCness there.
Anyway, sorry for the short review, but there wasn't really much to say!
Feel free to re-request when the queue isn't full.
SaraAuthor's Response: thanks so much for the review!
I love next gen too!
and thankyou for commenting on the ron/hermione thing. i wasn't sure about it, but i coudln't write it any other way, because i wanted like a foreshadowing scene, and i just coudln't get their dialogue down and it was really bothering me. so i will go back and fix that later.
and this review was short?! oh god, i most certainly will re-request later!
thanks so much again! Report Review
poor poor scorpius :(Author's Response: haha, yeah, poor scorpius. I'll try to change that in future. thanks for the review! Report Review
i really think this story could be really good the only thing i really have to say is that Dom and Louis can't be identical if one's a boy and ones a girl that's fraternal twinsAuthor's Response: thanks for the review!
I said Dom and Louis are identical because they are. Dominique is an adrogynous name, so I figured, why not be different and make Dom a guy. I actually got the idea from "I am Man, Hear Me Roar" by RonsGirlFriday. Report Review
your malfoy pulled at my heart strings i felt sad for him looking forward to more chaptersAuthor's Response: thanks for the review! Your reaction to Scorpius is exactly what I was trying to get, so yay! Updates will be fairly slow, unfortunately. But I hope you will stick with this. Report Review
A very good beginning of a story I'll eagerly await updates on. Everyone seems to be in character so far. I do wish I liked your Rose better, though. So far she seems a little bit full of herself. And the way you have her justifying the bullying of Scorpius? If he's been humiliated his entire time at Hogwarts, as she hints he has, is it any wonder he's a bit snarky at "Miss Perfect"?
My sympathies are with him. Will this be a theme in this story, down the road?Author's Response: thanks so much for the review! I was really nervous about this story, because it will get a little confronting at times and present views and characterisations that don't agree with everyone.
But you have totally got the characters (thank god!). Rose is a little full of herself. Your sympathies are supposed to be with Scorpius, although later on you might think he's a bit stupid (well so far, i think he is a bit of in idiot). So yeah, you're not supposed to be particularly fond of Rose, but there will be times later on where you feel for her. But she is the kind of character you love to hate (i hope so, at least).
So thankyou again for reviewing. I do hope you'll stick with this story even though Rose is a ... well, i think you know what i mean. Report Review
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