Reading Reviews for Mars is Bright Tonight
  
8 Reviews Found

Review #1, by datbenik513 Interlude With Ludes

23rd March 2010:
A lazy, nonchalant chapter. It's just a few students visiting Hogsmeade, nothing else, right?

But, what makes it REALLY interesting is to see how the whole school - save those slimy snakes - are conspiring, uniting themselves against a common enemy. You've hidden the REAL events masterfully behind the facade of casual dating, drinking tea, buying sweets. Nonetheless, the resistance is very much present, alive and kicking.

Do we get to see some REAL dating between Hayley and Ernie? No, don't tell me, just post the next chapter soon! :D

Entertaining reading, somewhat casual and light at this point, leaving me craving for more.

Author's Response: This chapter is definitely a filler. I hate putting them in, but sometimes, they are necessary. Hopefully most writers would agree with me instead of just saying I'm obviously not a talented enough writer...teehee!

It's going to go through some serious editing when I finish editing the first three. I'm sad to say I'm just not satisfied with it. But I try not to be too hard on myself, after all, it was a first draft.

One of my favorite things, actually probably my favorite by far, in Order of the Phoenix is the students uniting to fight evil in Dumbledore's Army. It gives me goosebumps whenever I think about it! I'm such a sap! :) So making sure I really bring back that feel of us vs. them//good vs. evil is SUPER important to me. I think that element is probably the only redeeming thing about this chapter...

To be honest, although I have some ideas up my sleeve about Ernie/Hayley, I think this whole "date" thing may be changed in the edit. I did it simply because I like them together, but it really doesn't add to the story. There are way better ways for them to get together (if they do). It is very unsettling to me that they felt the need to fake a date just as a cover up. It seems a bit paranoid. I mean, they are both Hufflepuffs, and to be honest I have a hard time believing that anyone would be suspiscious of them spending the day together in Hogsmeade. I need there to be a feeling of danger and secrecy and the need to be extremely careful, but I think I did it the wrong way. We'll see. :)

And never fear, more is on its way!

--Marissa


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Review #2, by datbenik513 Ain't No Rest For the Wicked

23rd March 2010:
Way to start the year, Ginny, with a Carrow detention. Stupid cow, can't shut your mouth even if your life depends on it, can you? Nah, I foresee this will turn into a 'Ginny Weasley's sixth year' story. Which is not bad, on the contrary. We know nothing of what happened to her during Deadly Horrible ... oops ... I mean Deathly Hallows...

When I read this story of yours, I always have the feeling of someone lurking around out there. You bring in that tiny element of suspense nicely to keep the reader aware. Good job!

Author's Response: Hmm. I'm not sure how I feel about it being a "Ginny's 6th year" story. Admittedly, I completely set myself up for it, seeing as she is starting to become a main character, but I hope she's less present to the reader than Hayley. I do need her a lot, though, since she becomes a leader in Dumbledore's Army now that the trio is off chasing horocruxes. So I'm a little torn on her presence, but hopefully I will have her enough to keep a familiar and (mostly) well-liked character for the reader, but not enough to where the story is on her and not Hayley. I'll definitely have to keep that in mind with Neville and Luna as well.

As always, I really appreciate your feedback. You're an angel! xoxo


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Review #3, by datbenik513 Soft Shock

23rd March 2010:
A few remarks first.
Your spacing needs to be fixed as for some readers it can be quite distracting.
First paragraph: 'in case owls where intercepted' should be 'were'. Just a typo.

Indeed, the new school year couldn't possibly have started worse. You managed to cram in quite a few interesting details in order not keep the reader bored! In medias res, on with the fun!

You clearly own Hufflepuff. Apart from a few names like Ernie, Hannah and Susan, they were underused in the books; way to bring them back and give them a bigger role!

All in all, a nice chapter full of some truly Hitchcockian suspense!

Author's Response: Sigh. The spacing issue. I have had some serious problems with spacing in this story. For some reason, I paste it with the appropriate spacing, then it tells me I need more spacing, so I fix it, then I get it rejected because there's too much spacing, but it won't even accept it for review unless I put 32480934 spaces in between paragraphs, and on and on. I am so frustrated with this, so I completely understand how annoying it is to try and read. Thanks for sticking with it! I'm in the process of editing, so when I submit the changes, hopefully it will be worked out.

I can't believe I put "where" instead of "were". I'm an English major for goodness sake, and typos like that are my number one pet peeve. I'm so embarrassed. Thanks for pointing it out! :)

So glad to hear you're not bored. It's a little tough, because I want to remind the reader of what we already know about Hogwarts during DH, without basically re-writing the whole book! So I'm pleased that I added enough stuff to make it a little fresher.

I completely agree with how underused most of the Puffs are. I am a very proud Hufflepuff myself, and so my biggest complaint about the series in general was the lack of Hufflepuffs! Although I will admit it makes it a bit more fun to write about characters that were underdeveloped in the books, because I can pretty much do almost anything with them. :)

Thanks for another fantastic review!


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Review #4, by datbenik513 World Spins Madly On

23rd March 2010:
OC are very dangerous. It'd either hit or miss, depending how much time the writer takes for them and how much he/she loves this character. Your Hayley seems - at first glance - a 'hit'. You haven't overdone her descriptions, which is not bad, although left me with some unanswered questions about her.

Loved the setting. Those conversations she'd overheard, then the departure of her mother ... it created a creepy, tense atmosphere.

An extra kudos for your nicely flowing sentences. Although not overdone, you write in an impeccable, rich language.

Author's Response: Well I am very pleased that (at least at first) you see Hayley as a 'hit'. She's really very special to me because she came to me fully formed in a dream. I literally woke up and immediately knew everything there is to know about her and her life. Although it is a lot of fun to consciously create characters, I feel like Hayley is a bit more "real", just because it feels like I know her. She really is someone I would be friends with, mostly because she is different from me in most parts of her personality, interests, and (obviously) background, but we have many of the same beliefs and values. I think she is a very good and loyal friend. And I know what you mean about her descriptions. I hate when the first chapter of any story is basically just telling you what someone looks and acts like. It's so much more fun to learn it for yourself by having the author SHOW the reader! I'm trying to make sure that the reader has a good mental image of Hayley, but not necessarily complete. By the end of the story, hopefully the reader will know her at least half as well as I do!

And I'm glad you liked the departure of her mother. I knew immediately that she had to go away. It makes it so much more personal for Hayley. She's not really a "fight just for the sake of fighting" kind of girl, so her mother and friends being in danger and the uncertainty of their futures are absolutely necessary for Hayley to really become much more involved in the war. (After all, she is a Puff, and so when it comes to her loved ones in danger, she'll do anything to protect them!)

I am especially glad that you like my language. I want it to be sophisticated yet accessible to most everyone, much like JK herself!

And lastly, thank you so much for the extremely helpful and constructive review. I am so happy that you read my story and seem to like it so far! :)


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Review #5, by Gemm Soft Shock

15th November 2009:
I really like this story! It's coming along nicely! But where's Seamus? He most likely would have been with Neville on the train since Dean wasn't there.

Author's Response: You are so right! I didn't even think about him on the train. Thank you so much for pointing this out! I have made a note so I can correct it when I revise. :)
Thanks for reading and reviewing! Chapter 3 is awaiting validation so check back soon!


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Review #6, by Happy_Hexer World Spins Madly On

12th November 2009:
Hey it's Happy_Hexer from the forums.

Hayley is alreay quite developed but their is still potential for her to develop further throughout the story, which is definately the sign of a good OC.

I couldn't find any problems with spelling, punctuation or grammar but that is not my speciality.

Careful with spacing having four spare lines between each line is a bit too much.

Other than that it's all great. Can't wait to see how this will progress.

8/10

Author's Response: Thank you for reading and reviewing! I'm glad you like Hayley's development. She came to me fully formed in a dream, so she's pretty easy for me to write.
I know what you mean about the spacing. I tried to submit it with only one space between chapters, and it said I needed more, but I think it automatically corrected it so when I put more in it just went spacing crazy. I submitted chapter 3 for validation and I believe the spacing is better.
I appreciate the feedback! :)


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Review #7, by mascarableeds World Spins Madly On

10th November 2009:
I thought I'd take a break from writing my own novel to come and see what yours was like, and I'm really glad that I did! This looks like being a really interesting story- I love the idea of a story set in Hogwarts during DH! It's really well written, your grammar was perfect (I think) and Hayley has lots of potential to develop into a great character as the story goes on. I also love the title- very intriguing.

The only thing that I picked up on that could be improved was the way that you sometimes jumped over large periods of time, for example:
"“Everything is going to be alright,” Jane cooed to her daughter. “I’ll be back before you know it.”
Later, after Hayley had showered and changed into her sleeping clothes, her mind turned to her best friend at school, Amy Peters."
It just seemed a bit sudden to me.

But anyway, I really enjoyed the chapter and I'm looking forward to the next one. Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Aw thank you for reading and reviewing Mommy! I'm so glad you came by to see what I've been working on. I have such a supportive Mum. :)
And I really appreciate the constructive criticism. I agree that the part you pointed out is a very abrupt change, and I have made a note to write a smoother transition in future drafts. I already have a bunch of other notes on this chapter, as well. It will definetly be different in December! But I'm so glad you feel that I have a good start. It's means so much that you read and reviewed!! Thank you again!
xoxo Marissa


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Review #8, by Bigsisto3 World Spins Madly On

10th November 2009:
-applauds* Very well done! Here, have a cookie. :) And continue writing! You're good. You're characters are developed, Ms. Monroe is quite a person. . . and her mother leaving is a perfect lead-in for further chapters.

The Key

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the positive review! I'm glad you like Ms. Monroe...she blossomed from a dare I got on the forums, and I was considering dropping her in the final draft, but we'll see. And great cookie, by the way. :)

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